The Sensuous Dirty Old Man by Isaac Asimov is a sort of spoof guide to becoming lecherous. The book is long out of print but you can still find copies, below is a little snippet but you can read further here.
It is wildly inappropriate but I do have to agree with the blog I found this on that it is also “wickedly funny.”
Becoming a Sensuous Dirty Old Man
Let us image that you are a dirty old man but are dedicated to keeping it a secret because you are a bank vice-president and are interested in exuding an odor of sanctity so that no will notice, until it is too late, that you are preparing to abscond.
Now a lovely girl walks past you with a dress whose neckline is generously loose and under which there is clearly and obviously no bra. What do you do?
What you do is roll your eyes briefly in their sockets with the eyelashes lowered so that no one will see what you are doing. The result? You don’t see anything at all, except perhaps for one flash of quiver that is far more upsetting than sating.
And what is the girl’s reaction? She sees that flicker of eye even if no one else does (since she’s watching for it) and despises you as a rotten little coward. You see that look of contempt in her eyes (for it goes through you like an icepick) and your self-esteem is shattered. Indeed, there is a very good chance that the girl will instantly realize that a man who would look at her with so miserably sidelong a glance is a man who would abscond with every cent of the bank’s property and she will inform on you at once.
But suppose you are not only a dirty old man, but are proud of if, too, and suppose the same girl walks by in the same condition. Now it is possible to be joyous and open. You can emit a melodious whistle or a snort of pleasure. You can stare openly. You can walk over for a closer view. You can address the girl in a friendly fashion.
And how does the girl react? Why she is pleased that she has created such an obvious stir in a gentleman of such substantial and prosperous appearance. She realizes that you agree with her own opinion of herself and this can’t help but impress her with the excellence of your taste.
Seeing in you a person whom she can respect, she will think, “What a nice, gentlemanly old man,” and will smile at you. From that to a friendly word or two is but a step, and from that to a pat on the cheek or some slight pressure on the arm is but another.
Your own self-esteem will shoot up and if you are the vice-president of a bank, you will be so buoyed up by all this that you will go right to your office and put back all the money. This is only one example of many I can cite in which being an open and honest dirty old man is an enormous aid to public morality.
