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Nightlight: A Twilight Parody

nightlight-harvard-lampoonJuvenile? Maybe, but I couldn’t help snickering at this parody of Twilight written by the Harvard Lampoon. I wouldn’t pay $13.95 for the whole thing, but if I cared more about Twilight…maybe.

Having read the first book* in the Twilight series, I can confirm that the writing is ripe for ridicule; I found myself wanting to create a drinking game in which I did a shot of whiskey every time Edward emitted a throaty chuckle, or said something to Bella in a husky voice, or Edward’s eyes were described as butterscotch, amber, topaz, golden (WE GET IT, THEY’RE YELLOWISH), or every time Bella bit her lip.

Anyway, here’s the excerpt:

********************

It was then that I saw him. He was sitting at a table all by himself, not even eating. He had an entire tray of baked potatoes in front of him and still, he did not touch a single one. How could a human have his pick of baked potatoes and resist them all? Even odder, he hadn’t noticed me, Belle Goose, future Academy Award winner.

A computer sat before him on the table. He stared intently at the screen, narrowing his eyes into slits and concentrating those slits on the screen as if the only thing that mattered to him was physically dominating that screen. He was muscular, like a man who could pin you up against the wall as easily as a poster, yet lean, like a man who would rather cradle you in his arms. He had reddish, blonde-brown hair that was groomed heterosexually. He looked older than the other boys in the room—maybe not as old as God or my father, but certainly a viable replacement. Imagine if you took every woman’s idea of a hot guy and averaged it out into one man. This was that man.

“What is that?” I asked, knowing that whatever it was it wasn’t avian.

“That’s Edwart Mullen,” Lucy said.

Edwart. I had never met a boy named Edwart before. Actually, I had never met any human named Edwart before. It was a funny sounding name. Much funnier than Edward.

As we sat there, gazing at him for what seemed like hours but couldn’t have been more than the entire lunch period, his eyes suddenly flicked toward me, slithering over my face and boring into my heart like fangs. Then in a flash they went back to glowering at that screen.

“He moved here two years ago from Alaska,” she said.

So not only was he pale like me, but he was also an outsider from a state that begins with an “A.” I felt a surge of empathy. I had never felt a connection like this before.

“That boy’s not worth your time,” she said wrongly. “Edwart doesn’t date.”

I smirked inwardly and snorted outwardly. So, I would be his first girlfriend.

********************

*and by that I mean all four, in fairly rapid succession

Posted by on October 8, 2009.

Categories: AbeBooks, bestsellers, books, fantasy, humor

140 Responses

  1. I love nightlight it is so funny but still has to do with twilight. I like twilight but i LOVE mocking things so this book is perfect for me. I also love the cover and how Belle’s parents are complete morons who act like two-year-olds. hehe I love this book

    by Alexis on Mar 27, 2010 at 1:13 pm

  2. Woow. I liked Twilight at first. I was a silly little sixth grader. But, then soon came to realize how much it really wreaked. After writing a parody of it myself and being too lazy to continue it, I’m glad there’s someone else out there can expose the book as being as ridiculous as it really is! I must get it!!! C:

    by Ali on Mar 31, 2010 at 1:42 pm

  3. i love this book, my sister let me borrow it and its awsome!!! =]

    by kristol on Apr 5, 2010 at 7:38 pm

  4. just started reading this book and i love it

    by katelyne on Apr 7, 2010 at 10:08 am

  5. i really want to buy this book

    by hids on Apr 9, 2010 at 12:44 am

  6. Twilight is awesome… UGH! HaTerS!

    by bella on Apr 9, 2010 at 2:36 pm

  7. I Hate Twilight but I love this book so much!!! I really like making fun of things i absolutely hate but the rest of the world loves this is the perfect book for me and other sarcastic people alike…

    by Cara on Apr 12, 2010 at 1:54 am

  8. @bella,
    If you don’t like it, why go on the site? TWILIGHT HATERS NEED A PLACE TO GO TOO!!! I’ve even seen twitards commenting on twilightsucks.com! That is proof that twitards are NOT harmless, they are looking to pick a fight!

    by Me on Apr 16, 2010 at 11:12 pm

  9. I also haven’t read Nightlight yet but I think it’s an awesome book. I am a huge fan of twilight, but come on you guys, have a sense of humor. And besides, it’s just a book, there’s no need to get too worked up about it.

    For those who are judging the Nightlight without reading it yet, well at least try it first. there’s no harm in trying. When you’ve read it, and you think it’s stupid, then we will respect your opinion. :D

    Have fun reading!!!!!

    by Cristine on Apr 30, 2010 at 2:52 am

  10. I have not yet read this book but i do feel that Twilight maybe be a WHOLE lot better, but that’s my so far opinon. Im not a Twilight super crazed fan, but i do respect the book, the words, and the romance story. But before i call thsi book stupid i will read it before i decide anything.

    by Brianna on May 1, 2010 at 9:19 am

  11. That was so funny but weird at the same time, I mean Edwart Mullen, hilarious! Thanks I can’t wait to see more.

    by Michelle on May 3, 2010 at 8:19 am

  12. OMG Twilight sucked unless you are an underread teeny-bopper (which is the target audience) Thank God for this book it makes my day!!

    by Lisa on May 4, 2010 at 3:00 pm

  13. i love this book

    by autumn on May 26, 2010 at 4:36 pm

  14. i hate twilight so when i saw this book online and read a couple chapters, i knew i had to get it. so thank you so much for this book!

    by Rofl on May 26, 2010 at 9:07 pm

  15. i luv twilight but i hav 2 get this book i no it wil rock

    by keva on Jun 15, 2010 at 8:00 pm

  16. Should have been edwardian mullet :) haven’t read this book yet, but it seems AWESOME!!!

    by leilani on Jun 17, 2010 at 3:01 am

  17. omg soo funny! I will defnitely get this book!! I am a HUGE twilight fan and i think this is hysterical!!!

    by hardy har har on Jun 17, 2010 at 9:55 am

  18. We absolutely ADORED Nightlight!it is the best thing in like this world and beyond! it made us LAWL soooo hard!! XD This was the perfect parody, for it still remained within the setting of Twilight . The humor was perfect for teens of our age . I believe it is a must read for anyone in need of a laugh (:
    if you dont like nightlight then there is something very very wrong with you!!!!
    Love Indi and Chelseeea <3
    Firm lovers of NIGHTLIGHT. :DD

    by ChelsAndIndi on Jun 20, 2010 at 8:18 pm

  19. dude i like twilight but this is hillarious

    by kizzimi on Jul 20, 2010 at 8:33 am

  20. haha, this is hilarious! I really like Twilight, to a point, but props to this!!

    by Caroline on Jul 20, 2010 at 12:13 pm

  21. i so love the twilight books, but i want to read this parody also. i want to see how the author brought about humor to a romance novel

    by Janaya on Jul 22, 2010 at 9:57 pm

  22. twilight the original is pretty ok to me but im ALWAYS up for a good parody. and when reading the back covers of Twilight and Nightlight back to back i died laffing. Cand wait to read the parody!

    by Radiah on Jul 31, 2010 at 10:14 pm

  23. i like the twilight books. they aren’t THAT bad (excpet for new moon and jacob’s section in breaking dawn… but that is because i find jacob to be a petulent child who should have walked away with his tail between his legs as soon as bella brang edward home, and not because of the writing). i like parodies, props for the very awesome front cover; it is very clever and well thought out! but this was just agonising for me to read, i didn’t really understand it. to me it was just a bit to warped from the original books.
    i’m not trying to offend, just say what i think.
    x

    by lanna on Aug 6, 2010 at 4:33 am

  24. I love the twilight series. It has been my favorite for a while, but then looking past the excellent writing of the book I keep thinking that the vampires are a little…Odd. THe more I think about the story the more I realize that I just want to make fun of the characters. I read this little part of Nightlight and I believe that anyone who likes Twilight but thinks it gets a little silly after a while should read this book. Nightlight seems pretty awesome in a ridiculous way.

    by Anna H. on Aug 24, 2010 at 8:56 am

  25. Obviously, clearly i love it
    RVEAL
    i love how it has the word nyash in it
    hahahahahahahah lolololololololol

    by Kaylie And Chelsea on Aug 25, 2010 at 7:46 pm

  26. i know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover so i think i may give it a try and twihaters dont be blowing off the twilovers i mean we all have our own opinions i think you guys should respect that. also a fan of twilight but i think everything should get a chance so like i said ill try it.:)

    by joslin on Aug 26, 2010 at 3:10 pm

  27. iHavee this book and its freakenn awsomee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! iHate twilight but iLove this book.! :DD

    by Marianna Tuchelle's Cuzz.[: on Nov 8, 2010 at 9:20 pm

  28. Pretty funny, but yeah, wouldn’t spend 13 dollars on it. I’d rather get the real thing and laugh myself to sleep with THAT.

    What I want to see/read is a parody of Twilight the way it SHOULD have been done. With an awesome plot, three-dimensional characters, side stories, and maybe it would also be well-written. Or at least written better than the original Twilight series.

    by Kate on Nov 15, 2010 at 11:29 am

  29. I really like the Twlight series… But I have a sense of humor and thought that Nightlight was very funny… Just becuase you like the series doesnt mean its not funny when someone makes fun of it… The movie vampires sucks was a little stupid but funny at the same time… I mean come on Jacob turning into a Chihuahua was pretty dang funny!!!! =) I just think everyone getting worked up about this is a little uncalled for…

    by Jennifer on Nov 20, 2010 at 11:57 pm

  30. If you played that drinking game with all those requirements mentioned, you’d be dead of alcohol poisoning by about page 3 – LOL!

    by Kell on Dec 9, 2010 at 3:32 am

  31. haha Twilight is awesome but Nightlight is awesome AND makes you laugh! :P

    by Veronica on Feb 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm

  32. I LOVE this book can’t stop laughing

    by Halo on Apr 6, 2011 at 12:42 pm

  33. this book is very fun i just bought hte whole book

    by keshawn jones on Apr 12, 2011 at 6:00 am

  34. the bella person is wrong i love twilight so much i read the series 7 times then i found this book i have to admit little offensive at first but its really really funny i totally recommend this book

    by jennifer on May 2, 2011 at 2:22 pm

  35. hahaha I love it! Now i dont have to waste my time making fun of twilight all on my own!:)

    by vanessa on May 20, 2011 at 6:05 pm

  36. wer do i get to read this book?????

    by bhavya on Jun 24, 2011 at 4:10 am

  37. well let me tell u that a matter of fact im a really big fan of twilight!!!
    to be honest im even in a twilight club…
    but i have to be honest this is sorta funny, all though be carefull theres a lot of fans that could get upset with ths book.
    well just a comment
    bye X }

    by minnie on Jul 15, 2011 at 10:08 am

  38. I love twilight like LOVE but it’s still Funny with a capital F I am a huge fan of twilight and usually hate any parody’s but lol that was a good book What will the second one be called

    by Twifan on Aug 21, 2011 at 8:31 pm

  39. I love twilight but I can’t stop laughing at this it’s hilarious I read it out of curiostity but I’m defo gonna read the whole thing now

    by Rosie on Feb 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

  40. i love it! soooooooooo funny :)

    by anna on Jun 19, 2012 at 6:14 pm

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