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Nightlight: A Twilight Parody

nightlight-harvard-lampoonJuvenile? Maybe, but I couldn’t help snickering at this parody of Twilight written by the Harvard Lampoon. I wouldn’t pay $13.95 for the whole thing, but if I cared more about Twilight…maybe.

Having read the first book* in the Twilight series, I can confirm that the writing is ripe for ridicule; I found myself wanting to create a drinking game in which I did a shot of whiskey every time Edward emitted a throaty chuckle, or said something to Bella in a husky voice, or Edward’s eyes were described as butterscotch, amber, topaz, golden (WE GET IT, THEY’RE YELLOWISH), or every time Bella bit her lip.

Anyway, here’s the excerpt:

********************

It was then that I saw him. He was sitting at a table all by himself, not even eating. He had an entire tray of baked potatoes in front of him and still, he did not touch a single one. How could a human have his pick of baked potatoes and resist them all? Even odder, he hadn’t noticed me, Belle Goose, future Academy Award winner.

A computer sat before him on the table. He stared intently at the screen, narrowing his eyes into slits and concentrating those slits on the screen as if the only thing that mattered to him was physically dominating that screen. He was muscular, like a man who could pin you up against the wall as easily as a poster, yet lean, like a man who would rather cradle you in his arms. He had reddish, blonde-brown hair that was groomed heterosexually. He looked older than the other boys in the room—maybe not as old as God or my father, but certainly a viable replacement. Imagine if you took every woman’s idea of a hot guy and averaged it out into one man. This was that man.

“What is that?” I asked, knowing that whatever it was it wasn’t avian.

“That’s Edwart Mullen,” Lucy said.

Edwart. I had never met a boy named Edwart before. Actually, I had never met any human named Edwart before. It was a funny sounding name. Much funnier than Edward.

As we sat there, gazing at him for what seemed like hours but couldn’t have been more than the entire lunch period, his eyes suddenly flicked toward me, slithering over my face and boring into my heart like fangs. Then in a flash they went back to glowering at that screen.

“He moved here two years ago from Alaska,” she said.

So not only was he pale like me, but he was also an outsider from a state that begins with an “A.” I felt a surge of empathy. I had never felt a connection like this before.

“That boy’s not worth your time,” she said wrongly. “Edwart doesn’t date.”

I smirked inwardly and snorted outwardly. So, I would be his first girlfriend.

********************

*and by that I mean all four, in fairly rapid succession

Posted by on October 8, 2009.

Categories: AbeBooks, bestsellers, books, fantasy, humor

140 Responses

  1. Hahahaha!!! I’m so buying this. I love Twilight and am a HUGE fan.

    I think some people won’t like this book because it is mocking Twilight. I find it funny though.

    Lol!

    by Miki on Oct 11, 2009 at 3:50 pm

  2. Thank god! A light shining like a beacon through the darkness that is the horde of rabid twilight fangirls!

    Ben (official twilight widower)

    by Ben on Oct 26, 2009 at 2:27 am

  3. Oh I DIE!!!! Twilight made me cringe and I can’t wait to devour this! :D

    by Sam on Nov 3, 2009 at 11:19 am

  4. Another excerpt for you rabid fans:

    “About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him–which I assumed was wildly out of his control–that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me. “

    by elizabethc on Nov 3, 2009 at 11:28 am

  5. *chortles* bella goose

    by zelda fitzgerald on Nov 3, 2009 at 1:46 pm

  6. haha! thats great edwart mullen, that just cracks me up. i am so buying this. its gonna be great!

    by morgan on Nov 4, 2009 at 1:07 pm

  7. I know! This is the book that unites the Twilight fans with the Twilight foes – it has something for everyone!

    by elizabethc on Nov 5, 2009 at 3:12 pm

  8. Lol. I’m like the only self-professed anti-Twilighter at my school, so this book is going to become my bible, literally.

    by phoeben on Nov 8, 2009 at 8:53 pm

  9. LOL, this is going to be the best book. I have rebelled against twilight for so long and have been waiting for something like this to totally come and rip it apart. I’m buying a copy tomorrow

    by Holly on Nov 12, 2009 at 7:47 am

  10. i absolutely LOVE Twilight and im obsessed but i still wanna get the book it looks really funny

    by Kenia on Nov 13, 2009 at 8:01 pm

  11. Woo, finally, the perfect rebuff to that dreadful, soppy series :D Oh, happy day, I shall buy it

    by YEAH on Nov 13, 2009 at 10:35 pm

  12. I got the book as soon as it arrived @ the B&N where I worked. I’m the kind of person who will only laugh (out loud) if something is truly, ridiculously funny. This book made me do just that. I love it, and I highly recommend this parody.

    by khmerchef on Nov 14, 2009 at 7:05 pm

  13. That’s great to know, thank you – you’re the first person I’ve heard from to have bought and read it. Have a particular favourite passage you’d care to share?

    by elizabethc on Nov 17, 2009 at 5:54 pm

  14. oh this makes me LOL.
    i must read it, i HATEEEE twilight, but i love the parodys. ahha

    by BRitty on Nov 24, 2009 at 4:50 am

  15. This book is HIIILARIOUS! I love how this book stays on basically the same story line but makes fun of everything! Edward, Edwart, Cullen, Mullen, this book is great!

    by Peeta on Nov 24, 2009 at 8:20 am

  16. Peeta – are you reading it already? I’m glad to hear you find it funny! A lot of both fans and detractors of Twilight have been very excited about it.

    by elizabethc on Nov 24, 2009 at 1:02 pm

  17. my idiot friend got this for me for christmas
    shes not an idiot for getting it cuz ill love it
    but now i know it exists and wanna read it now!

    by abby on Nov 25, 2009 at 9:28 pm

  18. Fans of Nightlight may also like this video, a parody of the New Moon movie. Check it out here:

    http://www.abebooks.com/blog/index.php/2009/11/26/twilight-saga-parodies-guinew-moon-a-new-moon-parody/

    by Kathleen on Nov 26, 2009 at 2:24 pm

  19. I’m a huge twilight fan. But i can take jokes. im goin to buy this now! it sounds freakin hilarious!

    by Taylor on Nov 28, 2009 at 3:06 pm

  20. ha i love this im sooo getting it i know i am i know what i want for christmas!!!! i
    <3 twilight

    by haley on Dec 2, 2009 at 9:20 am

  21. I wana read this book so badly I hate twilight but every one elce loves it I bet I’ll love this book?????????????

    by Zannygal on Dec 2, 2009 at 4:53 pm

  22. I MUST BUY THIS BOOK.

    by Shelby on Dec 4, 2009 at 3:02 am

  23. I’m the biggest twilight fan ever literally no one could love it more than me it is an impossibility! but this book sounds funny i’m deffinetly getting it.

    i might even lend it to some freinds (who hate twilight because i never stop talking about it!)

    by SammyBTE on Dec 5, 2009 at 2:17 pm

  24. I’m a big fan of the series… but as soon as I saw this book on the stands I wanted to own it!!!

    I read the back and it was hilarious!!!

    I am sooooo buying this book!!!!! hahahaha

    by daniella on Dec 6, 2009 at 12:28 am

  25. Lol! I LOVE Twilight, but I want to read this! It sounds HILARIOUS! I wonder what SMeyer thinks of it. It’s really well aimed because Twilight fans will want to read it and Twilight haters will want to read it!
    I’m soooooo getting this!!!!!!!

    by LOLa on Dec 6, 2009 at 3:50 am

  26. makes my life. can’t wait to read it. :)

    by Rochelle on Dec 8, 2009 at 7:27 am

  27. i am going to buy this book cause im a huge twilight fan!

    by DARZROX on Dec 8, 2009 at 6:37 pm

  28. I HAVE READ THE BOOK,
    AS I AM A TWILIGHT FAN I DIDNT ENJOY THIS BOOK, HOW IT WAS WRITTEN CONFUSED ME. DISAPOINTED THAT SOME OF THE CHARATERS ARE NOT INTRODUCED IN THE BOOK. FUNNY IN SOME ASPECTS, BUT OVERALL THE BOOK WAS OK.

    I STRONGLY RECOMEND THAT IF YOU ARE A BIG TWILIGHT FAN YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THE BOOK.

    by Mo0i on Dec 9, 2009 at 10:33 pm

  29. Omg, i saw this in Kmart, im buying it. Haha. Its Like, 16.00 Here In NZ, haha.

    by Brooke on Dec 11, 2009 at 5:51 pm

  30. i’m one of the biggest twilight fans in the world and i read this book at barnes and nobles today and i’m so asking for it for christmas. it was
    Ha-Larious!

    by isabella on Dec 11, 2009 at 7:41 pm

  31. I am the number one twi-hard and this book looks really funny. calm anti-twi’s, we like other things too. (not really!)

    by tiaira on Dec 12, 2009 at 10:36 am

  32. omg i Want this book so much lol saw it on whitcoulls mailer and it looked Great. can’t wait to tell my twitard friends. wooh

    by L on Dec 12, 2009 at 4:49 pm

  33. haha this sounds great, I just got her last name goose reading the comments!

    by Jess on Dec 12, 2009 at 9:19 pm

  34. OMG!!!!! my friend suggested that i look up a book called Nightlight
    so i did, I LOVE this book
    I personally hate twighlight with a passion!!
    it makes vampires look gay(no offence)!!!!!!!!!!
    unfortunatly i can not buy the book becuase my parents insist on getting me into twighlight, that and the fact that im one of few people in my school who are not currently obssesing over Jacob or Edward and would get either killed or jumped if i said i hate it!!!!
    every other day my history teacher makes us write personal history journal, and everyone of mine talks about how i wish to broadcast me killing anyone who took part in twighlight live on every TV channel known to man, forcing every twighlight fan to watch the violent murder of their beloved stars!!!
    VAMPIRES ARE NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY GO LUCKY, SPARKLING OR DATE MORTALS(UNLESS FOR ITS FOR THEIR BLOOD)!!!!!!
    if u liked this comment add me on facebook/myspace:
    facebook: Devils Rox
    myspace: Little
    or email me at abigailrush@live.com

    by hate twighlight with a passion on Dec 14, 2009 at 7:41 pm

  35. omg…………dis is so funi but i LOVE DA TWILIGHT SAGA….dis is ok….alot funier……specially da names……….wtf is edwart mulllen…………ru seriouse……..I GUESS ITS OK….NOT DAT GOOD

    by casandra on Dec 15, 2009 at 7:26 pm

  36. i luv it! im a fan of twilight but this is awesome! i will buy this book. my sister got terriably mad over this book. ha . i laughed so hard over it.

    by tori miracle on Dec 16, 2009 at 11:03 am

  37. I hate Twilight! And I have an army of Twilight haters @ my high school! It’s so awesome! I turned people who used to love twilight into Twilight Haters like me! It’s just go to show you all you anti-twis out there, anything is possible! Anyways, I can’t wait to read this book. I already read the first chapter and it is oh so funny. I know what I want for Christmas! And to everyone out there who is to scared to stand up and say Twilight sucks, loose that fear and tell the world. You may be surprised, I know I was…

    by TheUltimateTwilightHater on Dec 16, 2009 at 5:26 pm

  38. i love this book its so funny

    by ami on Dec 17, 2009 at 12:28 pm

  39. i heard about it and love the book already . I am getting it straight away. It looks awesome

    by Gleeky on Dec 18, 2009 at 1:55 pm

  40. i luv that everyone the anti’s ana luvers of twilight are already drooling over the book. It is great to see who luvs and not luvs this book. when i read the first two sentences i imediately new what i wanted NIGHTLIGHT !!!!!

    by Gleeky on Dec 18, 2009 at 2:01 pm

  41. Hahah yea i totally agree. This book sounds hilarious. I want to read it so bad!!!

    by Wooster on Dec 18, 2009 at 4:53 pm

  42. yea really funny dat everyone wants this book . I am really suprised about it .

    by Gleeky on Dec 19, 2009 at 1:22 pm

  43. okay sorry, but i hav to say this
    to all u twilight “haters” out there: if u actually read the books, their good. and i know sum of yall did so dnt get so defensiv. but seriously haf of yall just say u hate it to be against everyone else. just read the books. they r rllllllly good books. and the whole sparkling thing, ya a bit gayish some of yall say, but it puts a different aspect on things so its not just like the other vampire vs. werewolves type thing. so befor yall judge, read the books and stop being stupid. sorry if tht sounded rude but thts just my opinion. ~lizzy<3

    by lizzy on Dec 22, 2009 at 12:34 am

  44. I love how every Twilight fan I’ve ever met has crappy spelling and all of us Harry Potter fans are great at it. It makes me laugh every day.

    by ender on Dec 22, 2009 at 6:18 pm

  45. I am in LOVE with the Twilight saga but this is soooooo FUNNY!!!! i just had to read it!!!!Lol i have right next to Twilight,if you havent read Nightlight read it seriously!!!This is coming from a major twihard so read it seriously.

    by EmmettLover!!! on Dec 22, 2009 at 7:25 pm

  46. i soo wanna read this..I HATE TWILIGHT

    by Rachel Morrow on Dec 24, 2009 at 12:15 am

  47. Nightlight is an awesome stab in the back for all Twi***** fans. I’ve read the Twi***** saga, and in my completely honest opinion, it sucks. Its just a cheap copy off Harry Potter. Notice the guy with the last name “Black” who turns into a dog? Hmm. Harry Potter was made before Twilight, is more cleverly constructed and is the ultimate winner.

    Go HP.

    by Steph on Dec 25, 2009 at 4:25 pm

  48. i love this parody book on Twilight!! it’a hillarious!! and very very funny i was laughing so hard at it!!

    by zadfr21 on Dec 26, 2009 at 7:42 am

  49. Absolutley lurveee this! Twilight was horrible, and this is quite hilarious! Oh how I wish this had been made into a film rather then that horrible gunk Twilight. I do wish however that I could read this online versus buying it, oh well I think it will be worth the money. My mates will have a good laugh at this when I get back from my holiday with the fam after visiting Hamburger-a-go-go land (the US).
    Ciao,
    :)

    by :) on Dec 28, 2009 at 9:27 pm

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