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Nightlight: A Twilight Parody


nightlight-harvard-lampoonJuvenile? Maybe, but I couldn’t help snickering at this parody of Twilight written by the Harvard Lampoon. I wouldn’t pay $13.95 for the whole thing, but if I cared more about Twilight…maybe.

Having read the first book* in the Twilight series, I can confirm that the writing is ripe for ridicule; I found myself wanting to create a drinking game in which I did a shot of whiskey every time Edward emitted a throaty chuckle, or said something to Bella in a husky voice, or Edward’s eyes were described as butterscotch, amber, topaz, golden (WE GET IT, THEY’RE YELLOWISH), or every time Bella bit her lip.

Anyway, here’s the excerpt:

********************

It was then that I saw him. He was sitting at a table all by himself, not even eating. He had an entire tray of baked potatoes in front of him and still, he did not touch a single one. How could a human have his pick of baked potatoes and resist them all? Even odder, he hadn’t noticed me, Belle Goose, future Academy Award winner.

A computer sat before him on the table. He stared intently at the screen, narrowing his eyes into slits and concentrating those slits on the screen as if the only thing that mattered to him was physically dominating that screen. He was muscular, like a man who could pin you up against the wall as easily as a poster, yet lean, like a man who would rather cradle you in his arms. He had reddish, blonde-brown hair that was groomed heterosexually. He looked older than the other boys in the room—maybe not as old as God or my father, but certainly a viable replacement. Imagine if you took every woman’s idea of a hot guy and averaged it out into one man. This was that man.

“What is that?” I asked, knowing that whatever it was it wasn’t avian.

“That’s Edwart Mullen,” Lucy said.

Edwart. I had never met a boy named Edwart before. Actually, I had never met any human named Edwart before. It was a funny sounding name. Much funnier than Edward.

As we sat there, gazing at him for what seemed like hours but couldn’t have been more than the entire lunch period, his eyes suddenly flicked toward me, slithering over my face and boring into my heart like fangs. Then in a flash they went back to glowering at that screen.

“He moved here two years ago from Alaska,” she said.

So not only was he pale like me, but he was also an outsider from a state that begins with an “A.” I felt a surge of empathy. I had never felt a connection like this before.

“That boy’s not worth your time,” she said wrongly. “Edwart doesn’t date.”

I smirked inwardly and snorted outwardly. So, I would be his first girlfriend.

********************

*and by that I mean all four, in fairly rapid succession

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Beth Carswell

About Beth Carswell

I've been reading, selling, researching, loving and writing about books with AbeBooks since 2000.

140 Responses to “Nightlight: A Twilight Parody”

  1. i did read the book and its alsume and funny he has screaming prouples in the book and i mean the big nerd edwart mullen

  2. hear this/belle faints in class so edwart faints to then gets up and careys her to the nursewho waz reading newmoon she puts her book down and says arent you edwart mullen you need to get your shot so then edwart goes out screaming and runs out hops on his car and plays games on his car while it waz raining than when he comes to her house she screams than he screams so belle ask why he waz screaming he said theres some green stuff on your face she says it helps my skin so edwart takes his shoe and rubes mud on his face if you reading this you have to read it its the funnest thing ever

  3. I think this book is stupid,
    i get it some people dont like twilight fine,
    And i get the nightlights funny yeah.
    But i think the author of this book is tottally pathetic! i mean WHO would go wayst so much time and shit just to write something that takes the piss out of TWILIGHT if they hate it so much????
    And i get alot of people like this book but the truth of the matter is there are ALOT more people that like twilight then people who dont!
    And even if Twilight is crap its made a hell of a lot more money IN 2 years than nightlight will EVER!!!!

  4. iloveHarryPotterhaha December 29, 2009 at 11:48 am

    ilovetwilight, you may be wrong. ALOT of people actually do not like Twilight. Twilight is a huge fad. I’m not saying you are just following a fad, I’m saying alot of people are. I respect your opinion.
    I found this nightlight book hilarious! All of my Twilight loving friends are lining up to read this. Why? Cause they have a sense of humor.
    And Harry Potter will make more money than Twilight. Always.
    Well….I’m done with my rambling!

  5. You Know, I love Twilight more than anything. But Come on guys, have a sense of humor. Don’t be offended – this is suppose to make you laugh. Don’t get all protective – its not like we own the book. if you dont like dont read. But, be nice to the author who wrote this. He’s Quite funny. I’m absolutly the most devoted fan you can get .. but, i ordered this book and it’s right beside my copies of twilight, new moon, eclipse, and breakiing dawn. Why? Because its funny! & smart!
    The triangle bit – GENIOUS!
    haha.
    don’t be mad .. its all in good fun.

  6. hey im a unicorn no actually im not i loved the book and why people r obessed w/ twilight is beyond my comphresion

    i wear helmets

  7. happy new year even though u guys are arguing over dis its a new year so plz dont get all worked up bout dis book coz it aint the end of the world jst enjoy the new year

  8. Robert Pattinson January 2, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Guys, Guys, Lets Be Simple About This.

  9. i have it and its hilarious

  10. Not a lot of things can make me laugh out loud but this book definitely did. And it’s so short so it was nice to read it in one sitting. I’ve got a line of friends just DYING to borrow it after i posted several quotes on my facebook page :P

  11. This is a reply to ‘ilovetwilight’, sooo your thinking of this book the same way people think of religon and adds. Your to commercial thinking, you think about the price and apparently you care about how many people like it or not, unfortunatly for you, I don’t care how much money it makes, who likes it or not. And TRUST me, you can take the piss out of Twilight and there will be plently left – and thats exempting the bs. All I care about is if I have a copy, the author made it cause they felt like it. You don’t have to get paid to do something your want to. :D

  12. this is a comment to “ilovetwilight” i am totally apalled by your use of language.this is supposed to be a friendly website . stop dwelling in the past the book was published so let it be.
    nice comment C.C.M

  13. now now

  14. HEY TAYLOR SORRY GUYS BUD YOU TOOK THE FIRST MOEVIE AND CHANGES IT BUT IF YOU CAN GET ME SOMETHING OF THE NEW BOOK THAT WOULD BE AWSOME GREAT WORK EVERY BODY FROM TWILIGHT IM A HUGE FAN LOVE YA MWA MWA

  15. So I’m thrilled I added your blog to my feed reader, otherwise I would have missed this post! Good post.

  16. Kristen Stewart January 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Wow, some of these books kind of make me think, people really hate my acting and they go to this extreme!

  17. rabbitsarecoolerthantwilight January 17, 2010 at 12:55 am

    well looky here. we got ourselves another a kristen impersonator.

  18. i have to get this book its seems like its going to be hilarious cant wait to read it…people shouldnt get offended by this book I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THE MOVIES THEY MADE A JOKE OUT OF THE ORIGINAL BOOK TOO (EVEN IF IT WASNT DONE ON PURPOSE) sssoooo why cant some one make a book thats making fun of the original?? i love stuff that makes me laugh thats why ill read this and i also just like enjoyable entertaining stuff thats why i read the original…simply just read what you like!

  19. ok really, this is for SAMANTHA….its not like they are actually the real actors LOL….
    Also “Ilovetwilight” ummm i know way more people who dislike twilight than people who like it. I think Bella is ridiculous….with her ranting and raving that she can’t live without a stupid vampire…

  20. _im.a.rabid.taco_ January 18, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    hahahahah i can twait to get this now!! i just got done ordering it… lol im not a huge fan of twilight, and now im so excited to get this book!! in one of my classes, we write to a person (on the school, same grade, just different hour) and we dont know who it is.. i was writing to them, and they said they hated twightlight… they said it made vampires gay, sparkling, faries, that are obbsessed with pale girls that look like fags… (at the end of the week, we get to write who we are… ) hahah, its ironic that now ive been dating him for about two months now, all because we both hate twilght… ahh, now i think we will b together even more now…. :)

  21. well, thank god. About time something like came about. I do however hope they don’t make an epic movie from this.

  22. i have seen Twilight, i thought it was an intense love story. i do very much like this book, i for one enjoy watching and reading humerus stories. And i do very much believe that all those twilight fans think is book is stupid, which is fine. As some fans would say “Why would any one write a book like that” putting up comments that says this movie stupid and dislike it so much why put up a comment. Its pretty much the same thing but in a sorter way. Some people think it wont sell as good as twilight…..which is probable true,because the population of teen girls and crazy mom fans, then people who would just rather see the movie and enjoy a funnier version, which dosen’t have such intense dialogue. One last thibg this book is genius

  23. Got the book yesterday, it is absolutly genius! I was so impressed hey! I too have never laughed out loud at a book, but this made me!

    I reccommend buying it!

    Oh by the way,
    Twilight sucks. Edward is not a real person. Either is Bella. Time to get out of your pathetic little fantasy and into the real world!! Ya might make some real friends, other then online ofcourse.

  24. out of every book, i would find this one the funniest.
    i like that fact that it takes the piss outta twilight.
    i have never nor will be a fan of twilight.
    but i have heard so many people, who were in die hard love with the book,
    turn around and say that its shit.
    this is seriously the best part of my day…saying “i told you so” to all those lil people.

    edward cullen is just some doochebag who likes to climb trees.

  25. I brought this book today and it is sooooo funny!! I was honestly laughing out loud! I actually like Belle and Edwart more then Bella and Edward! Give me awkward and geeky anyday, it would be much more interesting than smooth and stalker.

  26. I am so in love with twilight and I am so buying this book.

  27. It sounds funny, and I do like to hear funny things that piss Twilight super fans off…but seriously, I LOVE the Twilight saga, it’s an interesting twist on a generic love story. But I wouldn’t go so far as to diss this book just because I like Twilight. It sounds funny, and I’m going read it very soon. IT’S JUST A PARODY! There is no reason to get all out of whack about it.

  28. Oh, but I think saying that Twilight fans are stupid living in a fantasy world, you’re an idiot. Not only is everyone entitled to their own opinion, but I do have friends outside of Twilight, just because I like a book series you think is stupid does not mean I am stupid. I am allowed to think what I like. Freedom of Opinion!!!!

  29. i love twilight alot im like a freak about it but i would read this book and i dont have anything mean to say about it

  30. dont worry kirsten i like ur acting. twilight is awesome, but i like night light too.

  31. Hey Guys like wow!
    I Mean this is totally awesome mann!
    I havent read yet but is this there like an Emmet in there i mean that would be so FETCH mann like totally Awesome!!!
    Anyways Am Off to catch some Elk, getting a bit hungry here dudee
    Lmaooo, Pretty funny arnt i :)
    Yo so like check you guys laterrr
    Lots and lots of love
    Kellan
    (emmet)
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Love yaa

  32. Heyy i LOVE twilight! And i just think this is sooo cute i mean i wish i had the brains to create a story like this but im the beauty (extremly beautiful) not the brains but ohh well we cant have it all ;)
    I may be hot but im always free to have fun so yeah like give me a call sometime its 07954577280
    Love youu alll sexyyyy
    ‘xoxo

  33. A parody of Twilight? It seems almost too easy…

    To all the Twilight fans who hate this book: settle down, the last parody The Harvard Lampoon made was Bored of the Rings, and even fans of Lord of the Rings can appreciate the that book as funny.

  34. this looksd like a really funny book. me i personally read the twilight series and it isn’t all that graet so you can call me a “twilight hater” but you just got to look at it from another piont of view look up midnight sun it is form edwards piont of view

  35. to ilovetwilight, writing a parody doesn’t always mean the writer dislikes what they’re making fun of. it’s literature, understand that much and also it’s similar to those who make parodies of music videos. not all who make parodies hate the song. they just happened to be inspired.

    by the way, nighlight is a well written story, i think. i read the twilight series and loved the idea. personally, her writing isn’t that admirable but there are good points to her story. i appreciate both works equally because it takes a lot to write stories, and parodies are really hard to do.

  36. hey,
    whats so cool or uncool bout this book.Its not like ur goin to die
    TO “ilovetwilight” GET OVER URSELF ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD !!!!!!!! TO ‘Sexy B#$%H STOP USING THIS BLOG FOR HOOK UPS USE SOMETHING ELSE !!!!!

  37. hehe. my friend is making me read it but she says its reali funny!! xD cant wait!

  38. i luved the twilight series but this book looks even better! i luv parody books more than the origonals sometimes. well this is one of those times. edwart mullen and Belle Goose. lolz!

  39. Fangirl, Meet Logic February 26, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    @ilovetwilight – Firstly I know a New Zealand English teacher who would be about ready to strangle you for your use of the word ‘alot’, namely because it’s not actually a word. You don’t say alittle, and you don’t say apineapple so you don’t say alot. (It’s a lot. Two words.)

    Secondly, as for the whole ‘ WHO would go wayst so much time and shit just to write something that takes the piss out of TWILIGHT if they hate it so much????’ thing, I think the point is that they don’t like it and that’s why they’re willing to put the time into it. They want to make a point of how bad Twilight actually is. Also, they’re catering to a market, just like all the Twilight-wanna-be novels that have sprung up since it became popular.

    And now for my own comment in general – Nighlight is pretty good. Other antis will probably enjoy it.

  40. i read the back of the book and i was just laughing so much it made my eyes water. XD i was in target and my mom was like shhhh! but i couldn’t stop. XD XD XD XOXO
    Loves and hugs,
    CASSIE

  41. ihaveachocolatecookie March 2, 2010 at 1:13 am

    I just gave my boyfriend a copy of the book ‘Nightlight’. He’s a fan of Twilight, but he also has a strange sense of humour. I think if you’re a fan of books by Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchet, you’d be more likely to enjoy ‘Nightlilght’.

    p.s. I think he likes the present too.

  42. Wow! its really funny…Edward in a form of a nerd…
    Hope that they will make a movie of this, too.
    Like the Scary Movies…hahahah!

  43. i love this book it is so cool and is there a parody of new moon cuz in nightlight a lady was readin a book cALLED “full moon”

  44. Ummmm…….. Yeah i think nightlight is a good book judging it by all of these comments so yeah i wanna read it > OMG HAVE U SEEN THE ECLIPSE TRAILER its not even that great but still im lovin it

  45. wow…. i lved this book and im a HUGE twilight fan.. just b/c yuo love twilight that much doesnt mean yuo cant make fun of it.. and i thought this was a really funny book.. i just got it yesterday and i only have 2 chapters left… it was hilaroius…

  46. I have to say i havn’t read the book yet, but i am a HUGE twilight fan, and i cant WAIT to read this parody because it looks hilarious. Just because people like twilight doesnt mean they have to get all huffy over a parody. Have a sense of humor! =]

  47. jdshb cb ch chj March 21, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    this is very stupid…
    though it is funny,
    but its just like the Miley Cyrus hate? almost? kind of? yeah.
    If you don’t like Miley Cyrus, why take the time to watch
    videos, listen to her songs, and read her book?
    Same thing:
    If you don’t like twilight, why read the book, watch the movies, write down stuff that was in the story, then make it your own?
    Its pretty pathetic :)

  48. i loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvve twilight this is very mean but i still think its funny who ever wrote this probly hates twilight ps why edwart i think he is hot so not nice.

  49. dude i am a MAJOR twilight fan!!!! but this book was awesome!!! i loved it, it was ssoooooo funny!! whats weird is i yell at people for making fun of twilight

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