The Interesting Monster

It's snowing, so Redd and I watch Looney Toons on the lounge TV. There's cable here but the T&A networks are going to waste. Ida has her fat backside permanently parked in the recliner and she gets her crochet strings in a knot if anything good comes on the tube.

Bugs natters away as he buffs Gossamer's nails. "My, I'll bet you lead interesting lives. Why, I said to my girlfriend just the other day, 'Gee, I'll bet monsters are interesting,' I said. The places you must go and the things you must see, my stars!"

"Nail technician, that might be an okay job," I suggest.

Redd raises an auburn eyebrow slightly, as if he's actually considering it. He's a big burly guy with a welding ticket but he isn't able to work these days. Nevertheless, he believes that what we have isn't an illness, but a gift. We're spiritual warriors, is how he puts it. He's a synaesthete, which means he can smell colour. On our gallery outing we saw a painting of a garbage can and Redd could smell what was hidden under the metal lid—fish scrapings from dinner plates, a paper diaper, sour milk. He communes with animals, too. One time we were walking past a field full of cows, and he goes up and stands at the fence until one of them asks what he wants. So he says in his death-metal voice, "I'm going to eat you." The cow couldn't tell if he was joking.

He also listens to people's thoughts. Sometimes he gets it wrong, though: people might be thinking red herrings to throw him off.

Yellow. Orange. Pink...pink...pink-purple...green.

"Who's that red guy supposed to be?" says Ida. "Where's his mouth?" as she squints through her Magoo glasses at Gossamer. She's making her millionth doily.

"Bugs Bunny," I say, on purpose. Gossamer is the giant hairy heart-shaped monster with sneakers. He only appears in the odd episode, yet people usually recognize him. Now Bugs is styling his coiffure.

"Hey, Ida, if that's a bikini you're knitting you better make it a whole lot bigger," I say.

Ida takes fits where she freezes. You can wave your hand before her eyes, remark on her moustache, pull a face or flash a moon but she won't break. She'll only snap out of it for Redd. He feels sorry for her. Sometimes I think the extra D stands for dumb. I know a bad actor when I see one.

I'm anticipating a fit right now, but instead she stares me down and says, "Whatever, Norman Normal."

Knows her cartoons better than I thought. Still, she doesn't know who the Interesting Monster is. Yellow. Orange yellow pink. Bluuuue! That last thought I think like I'm blowing a raspberry.

Redd stands up and makes fake claw hands over me. "Aargh," he goes, and I'm almost scared, but the grin in his eyes gives him away.