Something About Nothing is a collection of outrageous letters that use up so much space but make so little sense. Innocent people only doing their jobs are handed letters written by Adam Palmer that ask absurd questions, make irrelevant remarks and give worthless compliments. “Your food is so good that I sometimes wonder if I am eating the food or if the food is eating me.” “When I arrive, could you have seven of those huge balloons ready for me? The ones that are almost twenty feet across. Not the ones that are twenty feet; the ones that are almost twenty feet. It makes a tremendous difference to the lemurs.” Yet, these letters somehow remain sane enough to elicit responses, which are just as enjoyable and humorous. Something About Nothing is filled with letters that say something but will leave you with nothing.
Adam Palmer has lived in Wisconsin his entire life and now attends the University of Wisconsin - La Crosse. He is majoring in Economics and Englsih.
Dear Culver's, I have a group of ducks, forty-seven total, that have a birthday coming up, and I would like to schedule a birthday party for them at Culver's. Could I make a reservation for May 20? My ducks, all forty-seven, enjoy frozen custard so much that it is almost scary, but they seem to like Culver's frozen custard the most, which is not scary. Because of that, I have decided that taking them to Culver's for a frozen custard party would be a lot of fun. I would like to hold the party from 9 A.M. to 5 P.M. During that time, the ducks and I will eat frozen custard over and over. Around 3 P.M., I will set up a piñata filled with frozen custard for the ducks to break open. I have found that my ducks are unable to swing anything at the piñata, so they are going to repeatedly fly at the piñata until it breaks open. Is flying permitted in your restaurant? If not, the ducks will instead, attempt to jump and kick at the piñata. At 5 P.M., the ducks and I will pay for the frozen custard, thank you for letting us have our party, and then leave. At this point, the ducks do not know about the party and I would like to keep the party a surprise, so please do not address your reply to them. Address it to me. Thank you.
Adam Palmer Reply: Dear Adam, Thank you for your inquiry regarding a birthday party for your forty-seven ducks. How fortunate they are to have such a caring owner, who thinks so much of them that he would treat them to Culver's Frozen Custard. I see two problems with having the birthday party here at the Onalaska Culver's. First of all, our restaurant doesn't open until 10:30 am. Secondly, for health code reasons, no animals are allowed in the restaurant. If you would like to gather out on our patio, you would be welcome. We could even possibly arrange to bring custard to a nearby park with a pond so that your ducks could have entertainment there. We realize that "keeping your ducks in a row" is not easy, so if there is anything else that we can do to help, please contact us.