Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

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9780062102225: Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

Kelly Oxford, the famed internet personality—named one of Rolling Stone’s Funniest People on Twitter and creator of the viral #notokay for women to share their stories of sexual assaultturns her laser-like wit to anxiety, parenthood (or "the sheer insanity of being in charge of the safety and livelihood of three people besides myself"), popular culture, and more in this razor-sharp essay collection.

The Edmonton native and bestselling author of Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar has won legions of fans with her comedic skill, down-to-earth voice, and bull’s-eye observations on the absurdity of modern life, in the way that has made Chelsea Handler, David Sedaris, Dave Barry, Patton Oswalt, and Rick Mercer so enormously popular. For example:

"Congratulations America, I finally get a green card & now I may have to move back to Canada. Trump in the final two for President. Surreal."

"Dear Parents of pre-teen boys, Tell them they’ll get ED by 18 if they watch Internet porn then buy them some porno mags. Thank You, Women"

"I’m not going to have a coffee this morning with the intent of blaming all my screw-ups on the missed coffee."

"1 good piece of news today: 7yo told me there is a secret war going on between muffins and cupcakes & I haven’t stopped thinking about it."

Dishing about her kids, moving from Alberta to Los Angeles (and what she really thinks about life in LA), her marriage, and how she copes (or not) with anxiety and depression, When You Find Out the World Is Against You is Kelly at her honest and most disarmingly funny best. Filled with biting, wise, and laugh-out-loud insights, this vastly entertaining collection of vignettes will make you think as much as it will make you laugh.

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From the Back Cover:

Kelly Oxford is . . .

A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds

Not the queen of the world

An underage schnitzel-house dishwasher

The kid who stood up to a bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rush

A born salesman

Capable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20

That girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one time

Totally an expert on strep throat

Incapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her boyfriend

A writer

A certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes

"Not fat enough to be super snuggly." Bea, age four

Not above using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket

"Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that." Roger Ebert

Sad that David Copperfield doesn't own a falcon

A terrible liar

"

About the Author:

 Kelly Oxford, born in Edmonton, Canada, currently lives in Los Angeles with her three children. She is the author of the New York Times bestseller Everything is Perfect When You’re a Liar. You can find her avoiding her book and screen writing on Twitter and Instagram (@kellyoxford). She likes poodles and PBS.

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Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States, 2013. Hardback. Book Condition: New. New.. 231 x 152 mm. Language: English . Brand New Book. Well, she s bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog Eject and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly s voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don t have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone s crotch I say, Sorry, she s one of those cancer-smelling dogs. Had my son s hearing tested because he s always yelling. Turns out he s just an asshole. She s a total psycho. Completely. But I mean, I still like her. Me too, she s sweet. -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # AA89780062102225

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Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States, 2013. Hardback. Book Condition: New. New.. 231 x 152 mm. Language: English . Brand New Book. Well, she s bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog Eject and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly s voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don t have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone s crotch I say, Sorry, she s one of those cancer-smelling dogs. Had my son s hearing tested because he s always yelling. Turns out he s just an asshole. She s a total psycho. Completely. But I mean, I still like her. Me too, she s sweet. -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # AA89780062102225

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