Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

3.38 avg rating
( 6,371 ratings by GoodReads )
 
9780062102225: Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

"The Funniest Memoir You'll Ever Read"* from one of the "Funniest People on Twitter"**

"Will make you love her even more than you probably already do. . . . Truly hilarious, with a wonderful sense of sarcasm, intelligence and a healthy dose of irony mixed in. . . . I couldn't put this book down-you won't be able to, either."-HelloGiggles.com

From her beginnings as a wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds, through her spirited adventures watching self-gratifying monkeys, throwing up on Chinese-food delivery men, and stalking Leonardo DiCaprio, here are the goofy highs and horrifying lows of life as Kelly Oxford.

"Terribly funny, and often on par with the work of essayists she herself admires, such as Jonathan Ames, Sloane Crosley and David Sedaris." -National Post

"One of the funniest voices ever to hit the Internet uses her trademark blend of biting wit and self-deprecation to find hilarity in everyday life."-NPR

"I read this. It isn't as good asThe Wizard of Oz." -Beatrix, age five, can't read

*The Frisky**Rolling Stone

"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.

From the Back Cover:

Kelly Oxford is . . .

A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds

Not the queen of the world

An underage schnitzel-house dishwasher

The kid who stood up to a bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rush

A born salesman

Capable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20

That girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one time

Totally an expert on strep throat

Incapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her boyfriend

A writer

A certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes

"Not fat enough to be super snuggly." —Bea, age four

Not above using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket

"Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that." —Roger Ebert

Sad that David Copperfield doesn't own a falcon

A terrible liar

About the Author:

Kelly Oxford, dubbed "the Queen of Twitter" by Details, started writing at five years old when she penciled "I had a baby" into her Hello Kitty diary, and she hasn't stopped since. She now writes words that companies like Warner Bros., CBS, and NBC have bought for film and television and magazines like GQ have published. You can read more of her words online in places like Twitter (@kellyoxford) and Tumblr (kellyoxford.tumblr.com). Born in Edmonton, Canada, she currently lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children, who all wish they weren't in this book.

"About this title" may belong to another edition of this title.

Top Search Results from the AbeBooks Marketplace

1.

Oxford, Kelly
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Quantity Available: 1
Seller
Castle Rock
(Pittsford, NY, U.S.A.)
Rating
[?]

Book Description Book Condition: Brand New. Book Condition: Brand New. Bookseller Inventory # 97800621022251.0

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 10.33
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: US$ 3.99
Within U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

2.

Oxford, Kelly
Published by HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States (2013)
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Hardcover Quantity Available: 10
Seller
The Book Depository US
(London, United Kingdom)
Rating
[?]

Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States, 2013. Hardback. Book Condition: New. New.. 231 x 152 mm. Language: English . Brand New Book. Well, she s bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog Eject and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly s voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don t have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone s crotch I say, Sorry, she s one of those cancer-smelling dogs. Had my son s hearing tested because he s always yelling. Turns out he s just an asshole. She s a total psycho. Completely. But I mean, I still like her. Me too, she s sweet. -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # AA89780062102225

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 14.64
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: FREE
From United Kingdom to U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

3.

Oxford, Kelly
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Quantity Available: > 20
Seller
BWB
(Valley Stream, NY, U.S.A.)
Rating
[?]

Book Description Book Condition: New. Depending on your location, this item may ship from the US or UK. Bookseller Inventory # 97800621022250000000

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 14.81
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: FREE
Within U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

4.

Oxford, Kelly
Published by HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States (2013)
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Hardcover Quantity Available: 10
Seller
The Book Depository
(London, United Kingdom)
Rating
[?]

Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc, United States, 2013. Hardback. Book Condition: New. New.. 231 x 152 mm. Language: English . Brand New Book. Well, she s bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog Eject and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly s voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don t have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone s crotch I say, Sorry, she s one of those cancer-smelling dogs. Had my son s hearing tested because he s always yelling. Turns out he s just an asshole. She s a total psycho. Completely. But I mean, I still like her. Me too, she s sweet. -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # AA89780062102225

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 15.13
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: FREE
From United Kingdom to U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

5.

Oxford, Kelly
Published by It Books (2013)
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Hardcover First Edition Quantity Available: 1
Seller
Reader's Corner, Inc.
(Raleigh, NC, U.S.A.)
Rating
[?]

Book Description It Books, 2013. Hard Cover. Book Condition: New. Dust Jacket Condition: New. First Edition First Printing. 8vo - over 7¾" - 9¾" tall. This is a new hardcover first edition, first printing copy in a new, mylar protected DJ, greenish spine. Bookseller Inventory # 061816

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 13.00
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: US$ 3.50
Within U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

6.

Oxford, Kelly
Published by It Books (2013)
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Hardcover Quantity Available: 1
Seller
Strand Book Store, ABAA
(New York, NY, U.S.A.)
Rating
[?]

Book Description It Books, 2013. Hardcover. Book Condition: New. Bookseller Inventory # 2253366

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 10.95
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: US$ 5.99
Within U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

7.

Oxford, Kelly
Published by It Books (2013)
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Hardcover Quantity Available: 1
Seller
Book Deals
(Lewiston, NY, U.S.A.)
Rating
[?]

Book Description It Books, 2013. Book Condition: New. Brand New, Unread Copy in Perfect Condition. A+ Customer Service! Summary: With biting wit and always-appreciated humorous self-deprecation, Oxfords tweets have garnered a huge following . Bookseller Inventory # ABE_book_new_0062102222

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 17.56
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: FREE
Within U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

8.

Oxford, Kelly
Published by It Books (2013)
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Hardcover Quantity Available: > 20
Seller
Paperbackshop-US
(Commerce, GA, U.S.A.)
Rating
[?]

Book Description It Books, 2013. HRD. Book Condition: New. New Book. Shipped from US within 10 to 14 business days. Established seller since 2000. Bookseller Inventory # VC-9780062102225

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 13.59
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: US$ 3.99
Within U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

9.

Oxford, Kelly
Published by Harper Collins Publishers
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Quantity Available: > 20
Seller
INDOO
(Avenel, NJ, U.S.A.)
Rating
[?]

Book Description Harper Collins Publishers. Book Condition: New. Brand New. Bookseller Inventory # 0062102222

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 14.39
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: US$ 3.50
Within U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

10.

Oxford, Kelly
Published by HarperCollins Publishers Inc
ISBN 10: 0062102222 ISBN 13: 9780062102225
New Hardcover Quantity Available: > 20
Seller
THE SAINT BOOKSTORE
(Southport, United Kingdom)
Rating
[?]

Book Description HarperCollins Publishers Inc. Hardback. Book Condition: new. BRAND NEW, Everything is Perfect When You're a Liar, Kelly Oxford, Well, she's bitingly funny, but everybody knows that. -Roger Ebert on Kelly Oxford. The beautiful - and hilarious - Kelly Oxford has been one of the most hysterical voices on the Internet since it was still a series of tubes. In 1997, she began sharing stories of her life as a young wife and mother on a Geocities page, then on an anonymous blog, then on a MySpace account; eventually she found her metier in the widely followed Tumblr blog "Eject" and in her raucous, often filthy, always hilarious Twitter feed, which has garnered more than 300,000 followers (adding 1,500 more each week), with frequent retweets from heavy-hitting fans such as Roger Ebert, Jessica Alba, Tony Hawk, Diablo Cody, Kevin Nealon, Susan Orlean, Ann Curry, Adam McKay, Mindy Kaling, and Jonathan Ames. There is no mistaking Kelly's voice: Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don't have? Ankles. Chicken fried steak is the true American story: A place where even a chicken can be a steak. When my dog smells someone's crotch I say, 'Sorry, she's one of those cancer-smelling dogs.' Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole. 'She's a total psycho.' 'Completely.' 'But I mean, I still like her.' 'Me too, she's sweet.' -two girls beside me, and everywhere, right now. Straight-talking and riotously funny, Kelly Oxford has garnered an incredible following through her trademark blend of biting wit, self-deprecation, and a knack for seeing the hilarity in the everyday. Now, Kelly has written a side-splitting book of essays that shine her blindingly sardonic light on life as she sees it. From childhood to motherhood, from the zany to the tearjerking, Kelly covers it all: from My Soldier Face: Or how I awkwardly broke into modeling by ignoring adults who thought I was weird; I Peed my Pants and Threw up on a Chinese Man: Tales of a gas station accident and getting drunk for the first time, in ten minutes flat; To Aid and Abet: Interning in a video store and how to handle a man in a wheelchair jerking off in the porno section; Finding Leo: Or how to stalk pre-Titanic Leonardo DiCaprio in L.A. on less than $200, but still end up driving a Mercedes; and An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine. Is Kelly the next David Sedaris? The next Chelsea Handler? The next Sloane Crosley? No - they were the last Kelly Oxford. Bookseller Inventory # B9780062102225

More Information About This Seller | Ask Bookseller a Question

Buy New
US$ 12.76
Convert Currency

Add to Basket

Shipping: US$ 7.33
From United Kingdom to U.S.A.
Destination, Rates & Speeds

There are more copies of this book

View all search results for this book