Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage

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9780312262389: Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage

Lying-For Better or Worse

Everybody lies. Friends lie to friends. Children lie to their parents. Politicians lie to constituents. And, inevitably, husbands and wives lie to each other.

Lies between lovers can be highly electric; they have tremendous potential to both nurture and destroy a relationship. It is easy to underestimate the power that lies-even seemingly harmless lies-can wield in your marriage. Tell Me No Lies explores the complexity of honesty versus deception in marriage.

Tell Me No Lies offers a riveting account of the lies we tell our partners (and ourselves) in marriage. Some people lie because they lack the nerve to tell their partners what they feel, while others are so terrified of hearing the truth that they encourage their mates to lie to them, thus falling into "Lie Invitee" behavior. This book examines the four marital stages-The Honeymoon, Emerging Differences, Freedom, and Together as Two-and how deception interferes with development in each of the stages. For example, couples in the Honeymoon stage are often under the illusion that they are perfectly content and have everything in common.

This book also illustrates how each of these stages can go awry, leading to more dangerous lies such as those in: The Dark Side of the Honeymoon, when couples refuse to acknowledge any problems; the Stalemate, when couples fight and brutalize each other with exaggerated truths; and Freedom Unhinged, when independence outweighs togetherness and marital anarchy ensues.

Offering a new way of thinking about truth and deception, this book will help you understand the dynamics of your marriage in the context of the marital stages. If you can identify your marital stage, you can overcome the barriers to honesty and move on to a happier and more fulfilling marriage!

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About the Author:

Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson are internationally recognized experts on couples therapy and cofounders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. They maintain an active lecture and workshop schedule for couples and professionals, and they have appeared on a variety of radio talk shows. Bader served as President of the International Transactional Analysis Association; Pearson is a Consulting Associate Professor at Stanford University. They are also the authors of In Quest of the Mythical Mate, which received the Clark Vincent Award for its outstanding contribution to the field of marital therapy from The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. They live in Menlo Park and have three daughters.

Judith D. Schwartz is a widely published writer with a specialty in psychology. The author of The Mother Puzzle, she lives in Bennington, Vermont with her husband, Tony Eprile, and their son, Brendan.

From Publishers Weekly:

After 15 years "studying marital communication" as coordinators of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, Calif., Bader and Pearson (a married couple themselves) share the secrets to uncovering, understanding and recovering from lies between husbands and wives. Based on the presumption that "everybody lies," this highly detailed manual explains why lying happens, how it harms relationships (and those who lie) and what the underlying motivations may be. With many examples from their practice and their own marriage, Bader and Pearson guide readers through the deceptive traps common to what they cast as each of the four stages of relationships: Honeymoon, Emerging Differences, Freedom to Explore and Together as Two. Examining the "dark side" of each stage, the authors show how "lies in a marriage cause wanton destruction." In the idyllic honeymoon phase, slight imperfections can provoke secret resentments, while differences between partners can later cause a "seething stalemate" if not balanced honestly and respectfully. Freedom to grow can slip into an "anything goes" mode, involving rebellious drinking or money dealings, or sexual infidelity. Even seemingly innocuous lies, intended to spare feelings and maintain equilibrium in a marriage, can backfire or become obsolete over time. At the book's end, Bader and Pearson provide a nine-step process for revealing a difficult truth. The rest of their self-help manual may be better used in conjunction with professional counseling, as it can be dauntingly complex. At least one chapter, addressing the "Lie Invitee," may push readers too far, leaving them feeling blamed for another's deception. Perhaps Bader and Pearson can guide clients through these difficult events in person, but their advice on the printed page may not offer enough help for couples in trouble. (Aug.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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