The Down and Dirty Dish on Revenge: Serving It Up Nice and Cold to That Lying, Cheating Bastard

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9780312379575: The Down and Dirty Dish on Revenge: Serving It Up Nice and Cold to That Lying, Cheating Bastard
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For those who have experienced heartbreak and are dreaming about the sheer satisfaction of sticking it to the person who stuck it to them, this fully loaded, juiced-up book on how people devise, execute, and relish passionate revenge is a must-have. Find answers to important questions like:

- What type of revenge would best suit your personality?
- Does karma really burn?
- The dishes are done. When is it time to move on?

Whether you're feeling juvenile or sinister, this laugh-out-loud joy of a book shows how to get in touch with your inner Revenger.

"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.

About the Author:

Eva Nagorski has written for NBC's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Las Vegas, and Deadline. She lives in New York City with her husband and daughter.

Excerpt. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.:

Chapter One

Readying for War

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?—William Shakespeare,

The Merchant of Venice

You think you’re being cheated on but your man isn’t fessing up to anything. Or you think your man is strategizing how to kick you to the curb. Or maybe you’ve just had the ugly truth thrown in your face out of the clear blue: You’ve been cheated on and then dumped. Or maybe you’ve been cheated on, dumped, and left with a nasty and volatile STD. And now that unbearable sensation (I’m talking about the heartache, not the clap) won’t go away. Maybe he told you it was over or maybe you told him he wasn’t going to cheat on you again because you were kicking him out. Whatever the reason, solution, or end result, being dumped or cheated on bites the proverbial big one. Anyone knows that without having to actually go through it. So how do you make sure to prepare yourself in case that’s about to happen to you?

Let’s rewind. Were you suspicious but didn’t really focus on obvious signs for fear of discovering the truth? Or did this all come out of left field because you were so gaga over the bastard and just blindly trusted him? If you could back up in time and acknowledge—and act on—your suspicions, you probably would have found yourself at the filing cabinet going through past credit-card charges or sifting through receipts like a madwoman because, well, you would have been a madwoman. This would have been the closest you would have come to a straitjacket, but for good reason. You would have had to make sure you were right. You would have had to put two and two together accurately before super-gluing his butt cheeks together.

So, are you now able to see the handwriting on the very wall you’re banging your head against? Are you wondering why you didn’t notice the neon signs he was shining while he was screwing your yoga class friend in the lotus position? And, looking back on it now, why in the hell was he going to swim at the YMCA wearing Drakkar Noir?

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you’ll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.—Ann Landers

Even the brightest of us don’t always see what’s going on right under our noses. It’s because of one glaring and gratuitously egotistical reason: We don’t want to. Our egos are so much more sensitive and delicate than our hearts. The thought of rejection, the fear of being alone, and the anxiety of having to get “out there” again and date are just too much to handle. You make “sensitivity concessions” with yourself for his sake and yours. You’ve already invested so many of these concessions in the relationship: You made peace with his farting, his smelly sock-balls, and his sexual insecurities long ago.

But most of our sensitivity concessions are fragile. Unlike the dead French president François Mitterrand’s wife, we have to apply a “handle with care” label when it comes to our own feelings. When President Mitterrand died, his wife attended the funeral stoically. Also in attendance were the dead president’s mistress and illegitimate daughter. Talk about leaving this world a “bitter” place. Zut alors!

There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.—Diana, Princess of Wales, on Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, in a BBC1 Panorama interview

The Cheat Is On

This chapter will shed some light on cheating because both those men who are about to dump you and those men who are cheating on you frequently exhibit similar behavior. Of course, the cheater often wants you back. The affair is usually a sideshow event that he knows should come to an end, and when it does, he may even feel a euphoric sensation that highlights his feelings for you and may cause him to be overly erotic or lovey-dovey around you in the immediate aftermath.

Love is a game in which one always cheats.—Honoré de Balzac

He may, of course, also try to blame it on the fact that studies have come out that it’s just part of his genetic makeup. A 2008 study by Swedish researchers at the Karolinska Institute found that there’s a gene, AVPR1A, which literally messes with a guy’s head—it affects a brain chemical. It’s a gene that’s very similar in humans and voles, and explains why certain types of voles are monogamous, and why others aren’t. Ditto for human men. If they have the gene (and supposedly 40 percent of men do), chances are they’ll end up cheating, or at least unable to commit. That’s one helluva excuse—imagine how many guys are running around to find some doctors to help them prove they’ve got just that!

In the long run, if he’s cheating on you, for whatever reason, things will either come to a sledgehammer of an ending or are going to be super crappy between you two for a long time. But if you’re willing to try to rectify things in order to salvage your relationship—which many people do, whether because they have kids together, a house together, or simply feelings they can’t erase—it’s not something you can always fix with Dr. Phil, couple’s pornography, or home cooking. Especially when you realize that when boys start playing in another backyard, they come home only wanting to see more of the neighborhood.

Maybe he’ll realize his mistake and not make the same one twice. Perhaps that’s wishful thinking; perhaps it’s possible. But in this book, we’re not giving him the benefit of the doubt. We’re going with the more realistic notion that he needs a little reminding of what it means to mess with you.

The Lying, Stinking, Cheating Populace

Thinking Ahead

Catherine Zeta-Jones is rumored to have an infidelity clause in her prenup with Michael Douglas stating that he has to pay her millions if he ever cheats.

The numbers on who is cheating are all over the place: some, many, fewer than expected, off the charts. These huge disparities may be due to people’s highly flexible definitions of “cheating” (is a blow job considered a sexual infraction?) or to the fact that many people don’t provide honest answers when asked about their sex lives. It’s not like an exit poll on Election Day. Some people just may not be ready to relinquish that information, no matter how confidential the questionnaire. As one New York Times article, “Love, Sex and the Changing Landscape of Infidelity,“ suggests, “Surveys conducted in person are likely to underestimate the real rate of adultery, because people are reluctant to admit such behavior not just to their spouses but to anyone.” So the facts on adultery have never been completely clear.

When cheated, wife or husband feels the same.—Euripides

Before 1988, national statistics were limited to fertility-related behavior and to sexual behavior in adolescence. According to Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey and director of the Center for the Study of Politics and Society at the National Opinion Research Center (NORC), “It really was only the advent of AIDS and the heightened public policy need to have good solid statistics on adult sexual behavior that led to the increased data collection on that topic.” Don’t blame the National Security Administration, but scientists have been able to do a bit more sex research than they could before and gain access to more truthful answers.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.—President Bill Clinton

Whatever the numbers, one thing is clear: People cheat. But according to the March 2006 NORC survey, “American Sexual Behavior,“ the “facts” on extramarital affairs are more hotly disputed than the findings on any other area of human behavior. This is the result of pop-psychology experts and magazines, which conduct their own “studies” on sexual behavior in the United States. “These studies typically find an extremely high level of extramarital activity. They also often claim that extramarital relations have become much more common over time. In actual fact, the data indicates much more stability than change,“ says Smith. “Three to four percent of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year, and fifteen to eighteen percent of ever-married people have had a sexual partner other than their spouse while married” (according to a 1994 journal article by Robert T. Michael, Edward O. Laumann, and John H. Gagnon). That means that if you’re in a room with ten people, one of them has put his hose in the wrong garden and another person is probably planting a seed.

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.—Rodney Dangerfield

However, one thing does appear to have changed: As Smith states, “There is some indication of a narrowing of the gap between men and women on the level of extramarital relationship.” With more women getting out of the house to go to work, and sexual taboos becoming a thing of the past (with the help of TV shows such as Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives), women are feeling more entitled to a little bit of their own fun. Or maybe they’ve always cheated just as much but were better at lying about it. According to private investigator Vinny Parco, owner of Intercontinental Investigations and star of the Court TV show Parco PI, another reason women cheat is “they’re bored.” As Parco explains: “Their husbands are not noticing them anymore or taking care of them. Or they caught their husband years ago cheating and now it’s their turn. It’s revenge.” Touché.

However, there have been studies that have shown at least women are much bett...

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