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I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults - Softcover

 
9780345407528: I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults
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Why does talk in families so often go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots? In this illuminating book, Deborah Tannen, the linguist and and bestselling author of You Just Don't Understand and many other books, reveals why talking to family members is so often painful and problematic even when we're all adults.

Searching for signs of acceptance and belonging, we find signs of disapproval and rejection. Why do the seeds of family love so often yield a harvest of criticism and judgment? In I Only Say This Because I Love You, Tannen shows how important it is, in family talk, to learn to separate word meanings, or messages, from heart meanings, or metamessages —unstated but powerful meanings that come from the history of our relationships and the way things are said.

Presenting real conversations from people's lives, Tannen reveals what is actually going on in family talk, including how family conversations must balance the longing for connection with the desire for control, as we struggle to be close without giving up our freedom.

This eye-opening book explains why grown women so often feel criticized by their mothers; and why mothers feel they can't open their mouths around their grown daughters; why growing up male or female, or as an older or younger sibling, results in different experiences of family that persist throughout our lives; and much, much more. By helping us to understand and redefine family talk, Tannen provides the tools to improve relationships with family members of every age.

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Review:
"Everything we say to each other echoes with meanings left over from our past experience--both our history talking to the person before us at this moment and our history talking to others," says Deborah Tannen, one of the world's most famous linguists. We react not only to the message, but to the "metamessage": our interpretation of the unstated meaning, based on tone, relationship, and our past associations. Add in the connections and control issues among family members, and it's no wonder families have so much trouble understanding each other!

I Only Say This Because I Love You is aimed mostly at adult family interactions. Professor Deborah Tannen, the popular author of You Just Don't Understand, uses anecdotes filled with dialogues to illustrate why we hear criticism when the other person meant to convey caring, how family members create alignments with secrets and broken confidences, the dynamics of arguments, the power of apologies, gender patterns in family talk, and communication with teens. You're bound to recognize your family members--and yourself!--in Tannen's examples.

You won't find quick, easy answers for improving communication in your family, but you will discover another dimension of understanding what's really going on. Now if you could just get your mother to read the book! --Joan Price

From the Back Cover:
Why do grown women feel constantly criticized by their mothers, while mothers feel that around their grown daughters they can't open their mouths? Why do we feel like kids again when we visit our parents, and leave family reunions feeling left out or subtly put down? Whether it's teens or full-grown children, older adult parents, sisters and brothers, or in-laws, talking to family members can yield both comfort and pain. In this eye-opening new book, bestselling author Deborah Tannen turns her attention to how talk in families works--or fails--to create, complicate, and improve our most intimate relationships.

As Tannen shows, the first step in decoding family talk is to separate word meanings, or messages, from what she calls "heart meanings," or metamessages--unstated but powerful meanings we glean not only from words spoken but also from tone of voice, phrasing, or family history. Using real conversations, she shows how innocent (or not-so-innocent) remarks can lead to hurt feelings, and how small arguments can escalate into fights and even family feuds. Uncovering hidden meanings, opening lines of communication to teens, dealing with family secrets--it's all here, presented in Tannen's clear and entertaining trademark style.

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9780679456018: I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives

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