Dr. Jane Greer How Could You Do This to Me?

ISBN 13: 9780385477857

How Could You Do This to Me?

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9780385477857: How Could You Do This to Me?

How did I let this happen?
Why didn't I see this coming?
Did everyone see it but me?
Am I too trusting?
I can't let this happen again!

At one time or another, we have all been betrayed by someone we trusted. We have all felt the sting of deceit, the shattering of confidence. When the people we count on betray our trust, the wound is deep and long-lasting.

But it doesn't have to be this way. How Could You Do This to Me? shows you that you don't have to be the victim of broken trust, betrayal, or lies. Quite simply, trust is an active, not a passive, process. You can take control of your life by learning how to change your attitudes and expectations of others--be they spouse, lover, colleague, family member, or friend. How Could You Do This to Me? tells you how to spot the warning signs that someone you trust may actually be untrustworthy.

You'll learn about the roots of trust, why you may be trusting too blindly, and why betrayers betray. You'll meet the people most likely to betray your trust: rivals, who want to be better than you; admirers who want to be just like you; and users who, thinking only of themselves, take away all you've worked for. You will also learn to recognize the personal risk factors that make you vulnerable to broken trust. Finally, you will learn how to deal effectively with the fallout of betrayal--how to curb the desire for revenge, when and how to confront those who have let you down, as well as when to forgive, if possible, and move on. Most importantly, this book teaches you how to trust yourself again.

Betrayal shatters our self-esteem and can make us feel unsafe emotionally, physically, and financially. How Could You Do This to Me? will show you:

How to recognize the many faces and telltale signs of betrayers.

What you might be doing to make it easier for others to take advantage of you.

How to decide when a relationship is worth rebuilding, and when it's not.

And--most importantly--how you can learn to trust yourself again.

With intelligence and compassion, Dr. Jane Greer and Margery Rosen use case histories and stories to illustrate the different situations in which you can be betrayed--by opportunistic work colleagues, unfaithful lovers, admirers, friends, or family. How Could You Do This to Me? explores the emotional chronology of betrayal, teaches you how to recognize and defend yourself against people likely to betray you, and helps you to have faith in yourself again.

"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.

About the Author:

Dr. Jane Greer is a nationally renowned marriage and family therapist, in private practice for more than twenty years. A former adjunct assistant professor at Adelphi University School of Social Work, Dr. Greer is also the coauthor of Adult Sibling Rivalry. Dr. Greer lectures across the country on marital, sexual, and family problems, as well as on women's and sibling issues. She is a frequent guest expert on numerous national TV programs and is often interviewed by publications such as USA Today, The New York Times, Ladies' Home Journal, and Redbook. Her practice is in Manhattan.

Margery D. Rosen is a veteran freelance writer and editor who specializes in relationship, family, and parenting issues. Her articles have won awards from the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association. She lives in New York City.

Excerpt. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.:

Time and again, people you love, respect, and count on--lovers, family, friends, or colleagues--behave in ways that wound you deeply, shake your faith in them and in yourself, and tear at the fabric of your relationships. It's not easy for anyone to live with betrayal, large or small. Though you may understand it intellectually, emotionally you are scalded by the broken trust.

Mention the word trust or betrayal, and most people think immediately of sexual infidelity. While an affair is certainly a devastating betrayal of trust, it is only one of the many types of betrayals I will deal with in this book. Some betrayals are deliberate; others, unplanned. They are triggered by words said and actions taken, as well as by those which remain unspoken and covert. A betrayer may openly deceive by taking obvious stabs at your character or status. He may tell you one thing but do something else, or pretend to care while neglecting your well-being and polluting your trust with omissions and lies. Or he may betray in a way that is subtle and hard to pinpoint, by tacitly agreeing to another's negative opinion of you, or simply by failing to be there for you when you fully anticipate that he will.

Betrayals are fueled by many forces, too--by jealousy, anger, and competition--but, surprisingly, the desire to hurt is not always one of them. Betrayers may actually wish to help you and then feel unjustly accused when you cast doubt on their credibility and motives. They may think they're being caring and protective, and that their behavior is vindicated by their admirable intentions. Do they do what they do intentionally or unwittingly? How do they live with themselves? More important, how do you live with them?

OUR CHEATIN' HEARTS

In my private practice, I often see people reeling from the pain of betrayal. Indeed, it's hard to ignore the trust gap that slices through nearly every corner of society. Be it government, industry, education, medicine, Hollywood, sports, or the media, people and institutions we thought we could trust often turn out to be riddled with dishonesty, deception, lying, waffling, quibbling, or some other sideways bending of the truth. Though cultural historians may note that untrustworthy personal and professional relationships have been with us since time immemorial, these days they do seem more pervasive and insidious than ever.

Pollsters report that most Americans believe there is less honesty today than there was even a decade ago. Certainly, television and radio talk shows confirm that perception, with daily tales of betrayal--vows and promises broken, expectations gone haywire, relationships allowed to wither. We watch and listen as victims say that they feel alone and abandoned--adrift without an emotional compass. We watch and listen--partly with fascination, partly with empathy--because, on some level, in some way, we have all experienced their anguish. And we wonder: In a nation of adulterers, liars, swindlers, and cheaters, is being happy, rather than honorable, the New American Dream? Is there anyone we can count on?

Even more disturbing is that many victims have no idea how to conquer their rage, regain their dignity, and move past the trauma of broken trust. Like a paper cut, betrayal of any kind is painful, but you may tell yourself it's only a small wound, one that hurts now but will soon heal."I'm probably making too big a deal out of this," you say, with a decided lack of conviction. And so you accept the betrayal and try hard not to let it bother you.

But it does bother you--a lot. After all, when you get cut over and over again in the same place, a small nick becomes an enduring wound that can leave a permanent scar.

THE LEGACY OF TRUST

Yet here's the paradox. Despite the dim view of what's happening in the outside world, most Americans still rank trust high on their list of virtues, invariably citing it as the most important quality they seek in a relationship--personal or professional. Indeed, to be able to trust fully is the single most important criterion for a lasting, deeply satisfying relationship. However, to trust is an active, not a passive, process. Trust can be lost, but it can also be regained.

This book is for anyone who has ever felt betrayed, abandoned, ignored, or let down by someone he trusted. No matter how badly a betrayal has wounded you, you can use what you learn here to achieve three important goals.

First, you'll be able to determine clearly what trust means to you. Once you do, you'll be better equipped to evaluate the character of the people you are dealing with--spouse or lover, family members, friends, colleagues. You'll be able to spot the warning signs that someone you trust may actually be untrustworthy, and you'll be able to anticipate emotional blackmail in all its guises.

Second, you'll be able to recognize the personal risk factors that leave you vulnerable to broken trust. Once you understand the emotional needs stemming from your past that propel you toward unstable relationships, you can shift your unrealistic expectations to more reasonable ones and protect yourself against future betrayals. Instead of feeling gullible and defenseless, you'll feel informed and powerful--capable of trusting your instincts once again.

And third, you'll learn how to manage the fallout from betrayal--when and how to confront someone who has broken your trust; when and how to let go of grudges; and when to forgive, if possible, and move on with your life. You'll shift from feeling hopeless and helpless to feeling purposeful and strong. Armed with newfound knowledge and practical, workable techniques, you can overcome the hurt, anger, and vengeful feelings that swamp you when trust is breached, and rebuild a shattered self-confidence that affects every area of your life.

Most important, rather than trusting everyone--or trusting no one you can begin to forge and maintain healthy, nurturing relationships on every level.

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Dr. Jane Greer
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