The Elephant in the Church: What You Don't See Can Kill Your Ministry - Softcover

Stevenson-Moessner, Jeanne; Dell, Mary Lynn

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1426753217 ISBN 13: 9781426753213

Publisher: Abingdon Press, 2013

Synopsis

A church can be a dangerous place. The perils may be so obvious, they become “elephants” standing in the fellowship hall, lurking in the sanctuary, ready to spring into the pastor’s study, and tromp out of the choir room. The word “elephant” stands for an obvious truth or issue that is ignored or unnamed―a blind spot. Yet we allow elephants to occupy a large amount of space in the minds and hearts of those that tiptoe around them. Discussing common blind-spots of congregations and church leaders, the authors provide examples and illustrations for how to stop these "elephants" from ruining a ministry.

About this title

About the Authors

Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner, Dr.Theol., is a Fellow in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors and Professor of Pastoral Care at Perkins School of Theology in Dallas, Texas. She is ordained in the PCUSA.

Mary Lynn Dell, MD, DMin, is Director of Psychosomatic Medicine, Professor of Clinical Psychiatry and Pediatrics, Nationwide Children's Medical Center and the Ohio State University, Columbus, Ohio; Dr. Dell is ordained clergy in the Episcopal Church USA.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE CHURCH

What You Don't See Can Kill Your Ministry

By Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner, Mary Lynn Dell

Abingdon Press

Copyright © 2013 Abingdon Press
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4267-5321-3

Contents

Acknowledgments............................................................
ix
Preface....................................................................
xiii
1. Elephants...............................................................
1
2. A Herd of Elephants.....................................................
15
3. Stampede (or, "You Have Destroyed Our Sweet Little Church").............
33
4. The Elephant That Crushes Your Spirit: Depression.......................
45
5. Wild Elephants That Trample and Crush: A.k.a. "Dealing with Problematic 
Parishioners"..............................................................
77
6. And the Elephant in the Room Is ... the Preacher!.......................
99
Notes......................................................................
117

CHAPTER 1

Elephants

When asked to write this book, I remembered my firstpersonal encounter with a live elephant. I was in second gradeand asked to sit atop a husky elephant at the Memphis Zoo.While exciting and scary for me, this was also a photo opportunityfor members of the Republican Party. A Memphisnewspaper, The Commercial Appeal, ran a picture of my hangingon to the pachyderm with grave intensity. The elephantdid not feel like what I had imagined. Its skin was oily, almosttender, and its hide was prickly, like the stubble of a beard.I was fascinated with the sheer size and height of this commandingcreature. How could anyone overlook seeing thatelephant!

Yet, in twenty-five years of teaching in theological institutions,I know it is common to overlook an elephant in theroom. By this I do not mean an animal like the one I rode insecond grade. I mean an IMMENSE issue or COLOSSAL conflictthat is avoided, ignored, or overlooked. I mean a concern thatis huge or elephantine. An "elephant in the room" is "metaphoricallyevocative of any object or matter of which everyoneis definitely aware and yet no one is willing to publicly acknowledge."It is to ignore, conceal, deny, hide, or avoid theobvious.

The topic of "elephants" or unnamed issues in the churchdid not initially evoke within me a positive response. However,when I considered the amount of damage an unrestrainedelephant could unleash in a church, I had to reconsider. Ifprovoked or unattended, an elephant can crush things ofvalue and soil our gathering places. Our finely trained seminarianscan be endangered in their ministries by collusions andconspiracies to deny or to conceal elephants in the churches.It is for reasons of their safety that I agreed to co-write thisbook. Interestingly, when I mentioned this writing project toa roomful of theological students at Perkins School of Theology,each student came forth with numerous examples ofhidden dangers in ministry. Most of these students are alreadyserving in churches. They have experienced firsthand the dysfunctionalecclesiastical spaces where blindfolds are worn andwhere blind spots are standard. These students know that ahealthy pastor is an endangered species. The drop-out rateand the burn-out rate among ministers has been of concern toall denominations. It is of vital concern to me. Ministers areat great risk for compassion fatigue, an overextension of themselvesin their life of service and in their acts of mercy. Often,ministers are expected to do too much and are like lifeguardsat a community pool: "Lifeguards take regular breaks, changetheir viewing stations repeatedly during shifts, and take manyother steps to maintain their vigilance, but vigilance, besidesbeing subject to its own limitations, cannot eliminate inattentionalblindness [emphasis mine]. The lifeguards simply cannotsee everything, but the illusion of attention makes us believethey will." A minister cannot see or foresee everything. Inattentionto elephants in the room often results in a tramplingof the minister underfoot—by accident or by design. Althoughbush and forest elephants are considered endangered species,that is not the focus of this book. Rather, the focus is on thoseserving Christ and the church and their imperiled longevity.

The Rat and the Elephant(Adapted from Aesop's Fables)

There was once a rat who sauntered down the road. Suddenly,his vision was blocked by the sight of a lumbering elephantand his entourage. This coterie of admirers includedthe "royal family" and attendants, a favorite cat and dog, aparrot, and a monkey. Behind these came a group of followers.They blocked the rat's progress. "What fools you are to bedevoted to an elephant," the rat blubbered. "Is it his size orbulk that impresses you? That weight will frighten some littleboys and girls! I can frighten people, too. I have two eyes, twoears, and four legs like that elephant whom you adore! Thatelephant has no right to monopolize the highway!" The rat'sloud protest drew the attention of the cat. She eyed the rat fora moment, then jumped to the ground, and swiftly showedthe rat that he was no elephant.

Many of us have entered an institution where the "presence"of a revered predecessor looms heavily in the halls, theoffice, the sanctuary, the fellowship hall. The legacy is largerthan life and is comparable to the elephant and his entouragein this fable. The predecessor is like a "heavyweight" inthe ring of service: the sermons were the most substantial; thebedside manner was life changing; the theology was solid; thebuilding renovations are massive. The successes are frequentlyrecounted with pride. In some denominations, previous pastorsare allowed to visit the former congregation/parish. Inothers, revisiting is discouraged if not prohibited. In this lattercase, nevertheless, the "living legend" can still impose his orher presence on the incoming pastor or priest or rabbi.

Rachel knew she was in trouble. She was fifty-two, in asecond career, well trained in a prominent theological institution,and totally unprepared for the "apparition" in her firstfull-time appointment. Now, Rachel had been an outstandingstudent, earning a preaching award at graduation. Her firstcareer was in communications; she was an able speaker. Shewas biblically grounded, theologically astute, and trained inconflict resolution. She was an A student in all her pastoralcare courses. However, theological education did not prepareher for the imposing presence of her predecessor, Rev.Wayne Bright, now in early retirement in an assisted livingfacility near Crossroads United Methodist (UMC), a small-townchurch. Rev. Bright had suffered a massive heart attackand currently resided with his devoted wife in Shady GroveRetirement Village. Some longtime parishioners, speakingwith a reverent lilt in their voices, were convinced that dearRev. Bright had so loved their church, that it almost killedhim!

Unless it was a new member or a new family, Rev. Brightwas always requested for weddings, funerals, and baptisms ofgrandchildren. Rachel assisted, of course, but the longtimecongregants wanted dear Rev. Bright. He and Mrs. Brightattended church almost every Sunday, and the congregationclustered around them at the coffee hour. It also followed thatbefore surgeries and after accidents, the established memberswanted the prayers of Rev. Bright. Rachel felt that the road toher ministry was blocked by Rev. Bright's imposing entourageand admirers. He was like the elephant in Aesop's fable. Rachelknew that to challenge this dotage on Rev. Bright wouldresult in a counterattack, as the cat pounced on the rat.

She was not Rev. Bright. She knew her greatest gift was inpreaching. The content and application of her sermons werewell received. Even so, she overheard criticisms of her delivery:she left the pulpit and "wandered" around the chancel. Rachelused a narrative style that was unfamiliar, given Rev. Bright'sthree-point, deductive sermons. If her strength in preachingwas not appreciated, what chance did she have to succeed withthe elephantine specter of Rev. Bright that lumbered aroundthe church?

Rachel began to research the history of this local UMCchurch. Fortunately, as in most churches, there was a residenthistorian. There were church records in the library, but theoral history proved equally significant. The church had suffereda great tragedy in Rev. Bright's time of leadership; Brighthad been reappointed to this congregation by the bishop afterthe accident. The youth of the church were on a mission tripto Mexico and were staying with a UMC congregation nearthe U.S./Mexican border. The young people were staying inthe church gym when one teenager swung from the basketballgoal. The heavy upright goal toppled and fell onto the chestof the teenager. He died later that night in the hospital. Thisincident became a permanent scar in the life of this church.The youth group disbanded. The entire congregation was envelopedin a profound grief. Rev. Bright saw them through therawest stages of pain. He suffered alongside as a good pastorwould. He was part of their recovery and of a past they shared.

Rachel decided to enter this past. She essentially repositionedherself to be "at the head of the procession." The newfamily center was soon to be five years old. Rachel initiateda potluck supper in honor of the building's anniversary withRev. and Mrs. Bright as special guests. The resident historianof Crossroads UMC was invited to give a history of thebuilding of the center. This included mention of the tragicaccident, which resulted in the memorial gifting of fundsand programs for this new building. Working with the eldersand the Brights, Rachel proposed a summer camp for localyouth and enlisted the aid of the leaders in her parish. Thecamp would be named in memory of their "lost son." In thisway, Rachel stepped into the prolonged parade of grief inthat church and pointed in a new direction. If we refer toAesop's fable, the rat now leads the caravan of elephant, attendants,and admirers in a new and healthier direction. Asa postscript, when Rachel was eventually appointed by thebishop to another church, Crossroads UMC lamented the lossof Rachel so greatly that they have elevated her to the positionof a saint!

The Lion, Jupiter, and the Elephant(Adapted from Aesop's Fables)

Elephants from the past come in so many guises. In Rachel'sstory, it was a revered predecessor. The congregationused two psychological processes to elevate this minister: idealizationand idolization. Idealization is the exclusive selectionof positive attributes and affirming memories; these attributesand memories are the only lens through which a person orsituation is viewed. Idolization is the exaltation of a person,issue, or party to the point of worship.

Elephants from the pastor's past can also roam the roomsof the church. For example, a brutal divorce, an extramaritalaffair, or a suspicion of inappropriate sexual activity canresult in silence and denial. In his book The Elephant in theRoom: Silence and Denial in Everyday Life, sociologist EviatarZerubavel describes the role of the closemouthed bystanders,who by their very silence enable the denial. Meta-denial isthe denial of the denial. This can happen to the individual,to the congregation, or to a group within the congregation.Silence then becomes a source of fear. When an elephant issurrounded by expressed or suppressed fear, even the tiniestgnat can undo it.

In Aesop's The Lion, Jupiter, and the Elephant, the lion iscomplaining to the god Jupiter that he, the stout lion, is frightenedby the crowing of a cock. Although the lion is handsome,strong, and powerful, he is bothered by this one fear. Jupiter isnot sympathetic and recounts all the marvelous attributes thathe had given the lion. Shortly thereafter, the lion encountersan elephant. The elephant is constantly shaking his head andears. His ears move with a tremor. Just at that moment, thelion spots a gnat on the head of the elephant. The elephantconfesses: "Do you see that tiny gnat? If it enters my ear, myfate is sealed, and I shall die!" The lion reflects on this predicamentand concludes, "If such a huge beast is terrified of a gnat,I'll stop complaining. I am better off than the elephant!"

Flute

Denial of an elephant in the church and silence surroundingit can create a precarious situation. Pastor Richard Leifkerwas appointed to a church that had a history of unhealthy interpersonalboundaries. The church had never dealt with previousinnuendos of impropriety and inappropriate behavior.Pastor Leifker was still in theological training when he askedfor help with the following situation:

A three-year-old girl named Tammy goes to preschool ina Methodist church. Tammy is an only child. Preschool isWednesdays and Fridays from 8:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. At 9:30on Wednesdays, the children go to a 30-minute chapel time.They wear a blue uniform shirt on their chapel days. PastorRichard is not leading the children in chapel on this particularchapel day. He arrives at church just after the service.

After chapel on this particular day, the children go into thelarge room across from the pastor's office, where "Ernie themusic man" has brought in musical instruments of everykind for the children to play. Tammy secures the flute toplay because she has one at home and knows how to "play"it. Evidently, she goes over near the pastor's door to playso he will hear it. The church is filled with the "music" ofdrums, horns, guitars, etc.

On Friday, Tammy's mother decides to have Tammy wearthe blue uniform shirt to preschool. The child objects to theshirt. She says she does not want to go to chapel. (Note: theshirt and chapel are associated with one another.) Mothergets another shirt.

Between Friday and Monday, Tammy and her mother talk.Tammy's mother hears her say, "Pastor hurt me with thered flute." Tammy's mother does not question any further,but she goes to the school on Tuesday. (Note: school isclosed on Monday.) She talks to the director of the preschool.Again, the mother says she believes the child toldher, "The pastor hurt me with the red flute." Pastor Richardis notified. A meeting is called.

At this point, Pastor Richard confided in me this chain ofevents. As open communication took place and as eventswere reconstructed, it was clear that Tammy had said, "Thepastor heard me with the red flute." Pastor Richard continuedto maintain clear and firm boundaries as he hadalways done. In this case and in all churches, knowledge ofthe past history of the congregation is vital, lest a "gnat" ofgossip or misunderstanding seal the fate of the church orthe minister.

All Creatures, Great and Small

An elephant is one of the greater, or larger, creatures thatGod has made. An elephant is not an evil animal. In fact,many of us were raised on children's stories featuring kind andtalented elephants. One popular narrative features Dumbo,who is ridiculed from birth because he has such large andfloppy ears. In the circus, his mother tries to protect him frombullying and teasing, but she is soon separated from him. Onefriend, Timothy, remains faithful to little Dumbo. They accidentallydrink champagne one evening, become inebriated,and wake up in a tree. It is discovered that Dumbo has flownthem there! When Dumbo's aerial arts are discovered by thecircus owners, he becomes the star attraction. Kind Dumboforgives all his former tormentors and is reunited with hismother. What child cannot identify with the need for protectionand acceptance?

In 1931, Jean de Brunhoff introduced a winsome and orphanedbaby elephant named Babar in The Story of Babar.After Babar ran away from the hunter who killed his mother,he came upon a town. Babar showed courage in maneuveringhis way through town and skill in adapting to clothes,friendships, and language. Eventually, Babar left the city to returnto the forest, where he was elected king of the elephants.Subsequent adventures of Babar were written by de Brunhoffand his son, Laurent, but were always illustrated with Babarin a bright green suit and a bowler hat, accoutrements thatbrought a smile to young readers.

Elephants come in many shapes and sizes, but whetherweighing seven tons (African elephant) or six tons (Asianelephant), they are the largest of the living land mammals.They are feared and revered. They have been used in warfare;Hannibal used them to defeat the Romans in 219 BC on thebanks of the Trebia River. They have been used in entertainment,particularly as circus performers and beasts of burden.In 1882, P. T. Barnum bought an elephant named Jumbofrom the London Zoo; Jumbo was a famous attraction untilhis untimely death. He was mourned worldwide.

An elephant is a complicated creature. Sara Gruen's Waterfor Elephants develops this intricate makeup in the characterof Rosie, an elephant in the Benzini Brothers Circus. Rosie isintelligent, resilient, and capable of devotion. She suffers froma violent owner/trainer. When the violence is turned on herrider, Rosie kills the owner in defense.

Elephants in the church are not physical or fictional animalsbut rather larger-than-life issues that loom in our midst. Theycan be as varied and as complex as the fictional (Dumbo) andactual (Jumbo). Elephants can be innocuous; they can be entertaining;they can be deadly. In the church, they can be usedin warfare. The purpose of this book is to demonstrate how toidentify elephants in the church and to lead them out of thesacred space. To do this, you will become an "elephant rider,"one who can sensitively and appropriately maneuver the elephantineissues that threaten to trample the life of the church.

Elephant Rider

My daughter reminded me of the second time I rode anelephant. This second time did not provoke fear in me, andI had temporarily forgotten it. It was in 1997, in Platteville,Wisconsin, when Disney on Parade came to the small town.Each year, one small town was chosen as the site for the extravaganza.Our two children were in kindergarten and thirdgrade, so my husband and I took them to Platteville. Therewas a parade down the main street with lots of Disney characters,floats, and music. What my daughter seems to rememberbest is the ride on the elephant after the parade.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from THE ELEPHANT IN THE CHURCH by Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner, Mary Lynn Dell. Copyright © 2013 Abingdon Press. Excerpted by permission of Abingdon Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Edition details

• Publisher: Abingdon Press
• Publication date: 2013
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1426753217
• ISBN 13: 9781426753213
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 142