The Gaggle: How the Guys You Know Will Help You Find the Love You Want - Hardcover

Massa, Jessica

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 1451657528 ISBN 13: 9781451657524

Publisher: Simon & Schuster, 2012

Synopsis

The Gaggle captures the zeitgeist of today's “post-dating” world, where the rules for sex, dating, and relationships have completely changed. Instead of dating, women collect a “gaggle” of men who orbit around them, occupying both romantic and platonic roles, but ultimately revealing who and what they want.

Who cares if he’s just not that into you? You’ve got a gaggle.

It’s easy to feel like your love life is nonexistent. You know you’re great, so why haven’t you been on a classic dinner-and-a-movie date since . . . well, forever? Because as it turns out, you are now living in a post-dating world, where the old rules for sex and relationships no longer apply. Suddenly, everything and nothing is a date. But this means that you have much more going on in your love life than you realize.

Think about all the ambiguous interactions you have with guys: from a brainstorming session with a coworker, to a drink with an old friend, to a late night Skype session with an ex who’s still in your life. Once you open your eyes, you’ll see that you’re already exploring all sorts of connections with the men in your life via these non-dates. And who are all these guys you’re non-dating?

Say hello to your gaggle.

The gaggle is the group of guys in your life who play different roles, fulfill different needs, and help you figure out who you are, what you want, and what kind of relationship you ultimately desire. Though no two gaggles are alike, there are ten types of men a gaggle might include, such as the Ego Booster, the Hot Sex Prospect, and the Boyfriend Prospect. Romance, excitement, self-discovery, love . . . all this will be yours, once you stop stressing about dates, labels, and expectations and start thinking of each man you know and meet as a potential guy in your gaggle.

In this clever and groundbreaking debut, based on interviews with women and men across the country, Jessica Massa reveals the ways in which the potential for love is all around you. The Gaggle is the ultimate guide to figuring out what you want—and finding your match—in a world that has left traditional dating behind.

About this title

About the Author

Jessica Massa graduated magna cum laude from Harvard with a degree in psychology. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Elle, Variety, CNN.com, The Times of London, and Glamour.com, among others. She lives in Brooklyn.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

The Gaggle

R.I.P. DATING

I think that the times are changing where you MUST “go out.” I used to ask girls on dates. I would be like, let’s get alone, let’s talk. Not to get in your pants, ultimately, but to get to know each other.

But now I think that’s inappropriate. There are a bunch of girls who I would just love to cut to the chase with and go on a date, but I just don’t think it’s done anymore.

What’s done instead? Fucked if I know!

—Bryan, 30, carpenter, New Orleans

Remember all the conventional wisdom that we just went over? Great. Now forget it! It was written for women who lived in a romantic universe that no longer exists. All that “advice” doesn’t apply to you—or the guys who you’re supposed to be “dating”—anymore.

Of course, you may find yourself on a date every now and then. But what you need to understand is that dating, in the standard, explicit, traditional sense, is no longer the primary path to love. Flowers, chocolate, dinner and a movie, classy Italian restaurants, expectations, labels, timelines . . . these well-worn symbols of romance no longer signify our main opportunities to find love. Dates are now the exception, instead of the rule. They have become one very small piece of the huge, mystifying puzzle that we call “modern romance.”

Look at your calendar. Do you have a date scheduled anywhere on there? Has a guy recently said to you, “It was great to meet you. Can I please take you out for dinner on Saturday night?” If yes, then, great! Make the most of it. Enjoy the free meal, and while you’re at it, have fun exploring the connection that you and this guy might have. But just remember, please, don’t look at him too intensely, order the spaghetti, or talk a lot. That’s just unladylike.

But any upcoming dates that you may have on your calendar are likely to be outnumbered by other types of plans. Happy hours at work, parties, soccer games, networking coffees, reunions with old friends, ladies’ nights out, business trips, concerts, dinner gatherings, conferences, sporting events . . . you get the point. And you probably think of these plans as part of your social life, or professional life, or personal life—as opposed to “dates,” which are supposed to be the most important part of your love life.

And here we have a problem.

Let me make a comparison. These days, expecting to find love by going on dates is like expecting to get in shape by going to a really hardcore spin class . . . once every few weeks. Sure, spin class is a step in the right direction. Of course, it can only further your cause. But one spin class every other Thursday is not going to lead you to your fitness goal all by itself. You need to get the rest of your life together and adopt a healthier day-to-day perspective as well.

Also, let’s be honest: spin class kind of sucks. Even though it’s good for you, some part of you is going to be dreading it, even as you get on that stationary bike and pretend to crank up the dial to whatever difficulty level the instructor is yelling about.

Nowadays, it’s the same with dates. In this post-dating world, dates don’t happen very often. And even when they do, they’re not guaranteed to be all that fun—or lead you to love.

There has to be a better method than dating for women to cultivate amazing connections with guys and find love. People are falling in love every day all around us. Often with nary an old-fashioned date in sight. So how are they doing it? What has replaced the culture of traditional dating?

The mainstream media has recognized that some kind of transition is taking place, with everyone from The New York Times to The Wall Street Journal to Glamour calling out the chaotic shift in the romantic landscape and shaking their heads at those crazy young’uns and their crazy cell phones. Those kids and their booty calls! And delayed marriages! And cross-sex platonic friendships! And refusal to be realistic and accept that relationships are mostly work and sacrifice and, let’s face it, drudgery! Haven’t they seen the reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond?

The complaints, judgments, and unhelpful warnings about modern-day romance are unending. But what about clear insights from within our generation? Where is the tangible advice for how to make the absolute most out of it? All that has been nowhere to be found.

Until now. Because luckily, you picked up this book.

We need, and we deserve, a coherent explanation of this new post-dating landscape. And we require a useful set of tools, language, and tips to clarify the confusion and help us navigate the post-dating world.

Let’s start with non-dates.

Edition details

• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Publication date: 2012
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1451657528
• ISBN 13: 9781451657524
• Binding: Hardcover
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 288