About the Author
The Betches were born knowing exactly what they want and how to get it.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies... Introduction
Oh hey weirdo who reads dating books. Just coming home from that guy’s apartment, the guy you swore you were going to have “the talk” with two years ago? Watching Orange Is the New Black for the third consecutive Saturday night? Consistently looking at engagement rings on Pinterest even though you haven’t had a steady boyfriend in a while? You’ve come to the right place, Katherine Heigl. While most dating books are for newly divorced housewives with no marketable skills and girls who eat their feelings, this one is different. We’re not going to give you step-by-step instructions on how to successfully date and marry the man of your dreams or even give you anecdotal evidence of that one girl who gained forty pounds and her boyfriend still loved her anyway. (The only way that won’t matter is if he’s also fat and/or works for her rich father and has an eye on the corner office.) We’re here to tell you all those “road maps to finding The One” are bullshit, and the only way to master the art of not dying alone is realizing that dying alone is no big deal when you’re going into the white light alongside the greatest person you know: You.
Most dating books will make you feel like a hopeless nicegirl, her lifeless body destined to be found among her twenty-seven cats while Taylor Swift’s “oldies but goodies” play on repeat. This book will betch slap you to reality, help you get your shit together, and remind you that the old Tay was lame as fuck.
Forgot What a Nicegirl Is?
“The nicegirl plays by the rules without ever questioning them. She’s dull, lacks depth, allows people to walk all over her yet brings nothing to the table herself. If she disappeared, you wouldn’t even notice. She’s the girl who rarely colors outside the lines of her life, and even then only in baby pink. She’s the kind of girl who uses a real bookmark. In other words, she’s boring as fuck.”
Contrary to popular belief, you’re not born knowing how to date and you have a lot of shit to learn. Plus, we’re not here to sugarcoat dating advice. Adding sugar to anything is going to seriously limit your dating prospects. So break out the Splenda, throw your cats out the window, and get in, loser; we’re going to fix your fucked-up love life.
But first, one of life’s major questions (besides the most obvious: “Is butter a carb?”): Why even be in a relationship in the first place?
“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”
The answer to this question seems to be obvious (duh, how else are you going to fulfill your dreams of having an envy-inducing wedding, popping out gorgeous kids with ironic first names, and packing cute little gluten- and dairy-free lunches?) but it turns out it’s more complicated than it initially appears. Why even have a boyfriend? Unless you’re like extremely religious—in which case you’re already offended by much of this book—you don’t need to date to have sex. You don’t need to date to have kids (hello, in vitro). And you definitely don’t have to date to be reminded how amazing and beautiful you are. That’s what your grandma is for.
Being in a relationship isn’t always fun anyway. All of a sudden you have someone who wants to know where you are, what you’re doing, and to whom you’re sending Snapchats all the fucking time. It’s like, why are you so obsessed with me? If you’re with the right person, however, it can be super fun, and from a purely selfish standpoint at the very least you’ll learn a lot about yourself with each new relationship you fuck up. You’ll get to discover interesting new things about yourself like that you can be really bitchy when you’re hungry and that you could never handle dating a guy with just a green Amex. He might as well pay with food stamps.
But finding that person isn’t easy . . . and if it is easy, then you’re probably in that relationship for the wrong reasons. If you’re lonely, get a friend. If you want attention, go on The Bachelor. If you want to have sex, walk outside.
The only reason you should be in a relationship is because your boyfriend/fiancé/husband/lover adds something awesome to your life, not because he completes it. You’re a betch, you have the privilege of your own company. You’re a hot commodity and your time and, more important, your affection are valuable, so why would you let just anyone in? I mean, would Beyoncé date Kevin Federline? Exactly.
Ask yourself: Is he the Jay Z to your Beyoncé?
If no: Dump him
If yes: Keep him
If maybe: What kind of car does he drive?
“There’s nothing worse than the girl who has never been single.”
It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who sucks. While having a boyfriend has its perks, so does being single. For instance, you can go out whenever you want. You can make out with whomever you want. And if it’s been a long winter, you don’t even have to shave your vag. Win, win, win.
“Better alone than badly accompanied.”
—Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
One is not better than the other. It’s about where you are in your life and what’s best for you in the moment. If you think that a relationship is the key to your happiness you’re as delusional as Karen.
Who the Fuck Is Karen?
Karen is our extremely delusional friend. She doesn’t live in reality. She constantly thinks guys are into her who are clearly not. She’s terrible at reading signals, and her mom is the only person who believes that Karen has a boyfriend. Really, Karen’s “boyfriend” is the guy she fucked three times who finally asked for her number. Don’t be a Karen.
WHY SHOULD YOU LISTEN TO US?
If you’re a smart betch, you’ve already read our first book and learned how to win at basically everything. You learned the pitfalls of being too nice, what friends are socially acceptable to chill with, and to never ever admit that you don’t know shit about wine. But what about dating? Yes, we covered that, too, but a lot has changed. We’ve grown up and the rules are different. Suddenly, it’s sort of okay to online date, and the thought of being kind and caring to a guy is starting to not disgust you.
The simple truth is that dating in college and dating when you’re in the state of mind to fuck around is a very different ball game than dating in the real world. There comes a point in every young betch’s life when she gets bored of her thrice-weekly clubbing excursions and shambling to work hungover every Thursday. She realizes that she might have to entertain the idea of settling down into a long-term relationship, if only because everything else seems boring as fuck and she’s already been to Ibiza three times. If you haven’t hit that point yet, you will eventually. Even Paris Hilton doesn’t want to be known as “that old bitch in the club” forever. No one likes a washed-up party girl, so eventually you’re going to need to learn how to master the art of a long-term, committed relationship.
“Much of my high-jinks have been drug-related. When you’re under 30, whatever, but once you’re past 40 it’s just ugly.”
Unlike our grandparents, who actually needed to be married in order to leave their parents’ houses, the modern betch can have an entire fulfilling life alone and with her besties. We don’t need to accept the first man who offers us a four-karat ring, because we have options. We can be anything we want to be. This often means we settle down later in the game.
“When are you getting married? Dating anyone lately? How’s that boy you were talking to last year, you know, the one whose parents were lawyers? He was nice,” your parents and grandparents might ask you to death. But don’t listen to them. All your grandma is concerned about is being alive for your wedding and all your mom is doing is comparing you to her own situation. She was married by twenty-five, and your grandma has only ever slept with one man. They had different pressures then, and that’s why they’re applying the same pressure to you. Don’t get mad at them, just be like Yah dating a few guys! Have a date tonight actually. Will let you know how it goes! Then hang up and resume your Thursday night binge of Scandal and weed.
For our parents’ and grandparents’ generation, the name of the game was dependence. Getting out of the house, finding a husband to take care of you, popping out six kids. It was like passing the torch from your parents to your partner as the person who became responsible for you. But now it’s all about independence for women . . . which is fucking amazing, but admittedly sometimes stressful because of that extreme pressure you may receive from your family who know nothing, Jon Snow.
Okay, so I’ll just like, settle down when I’m bored and I feel like it, you think, stupidly. False. Most people suck at relationships and if you’re a real betch, you’re probably one of them. Our independent lifestyles full of Chanel bags, bottomless brunches, and yacht weeks are amazing, but they often leave us ill prepared for the world of real-life dating. Catch-22: It’s precisely because we have so much fun on our own that dating can be so hard.
A time comes in a betch’s life when she’s gone to her one-thousandth single-girls night out and sort of feels tired of it all. The long pregames, the cocaine hangovers, sex with the guy whom she would never actually date once she got to know him—it becomes a drag. At this point she might say, Hey, I’ve been single for enough time. I think I’m ready to find the perfect boyfriend who I can marry someday! Oh yay I’m excited. Thinking you can magically enter the perfect relationship as soon as you’ve decided it’s time is simply wrong. Most betches are quick to admit that they’re bad at things like snowboarding or making their beds, but when it comes to relationships everyone is under the delusional impression that they can figure it out the first time they try. Do you think your spin instructor mastered her tap back the first time she stepped on the bike? No. Exactly.
So how will this new adult relationship differ from your college routine of balancing three back-burner bros and a shady asshole bro more seamlessly than your homework assignments? Sadly, it’s going to involve some actual effort on your part and some important realizations. Dating and sex after college when you’re looking for somebody who has the potential for marriage involve actual self-reflection and sacrifice. Vom, we know, but like, it’s true.
We’re here to teach you how to remain a powerful, confident, independent betch while finding love. We’ll give you the secrets to staying hot and desired through every stage of your relationship, making sure your sex life doesn’t go to shit, and giving you the keys to let go of the awful guys you’ve entertained in the past to make room for the pro of your dreams. We’ve mastered the art of dating with the help of asshole bros, extra-nice guys, awkward situations, and too many vodka sodas, and we think we’re going to make it out alive. So now it’s time to pass on our divine truths to you.
You write us hundreds of thousands of “Dear Betch” letters looking for the keys to coming out on top while getting the most out of your “relationships” and lucky for you we’ve compiled this plethora of dating knowledge into a nonpathetic guide. You’re welcome.
While reading this book, remember the cardinal rule of betchdom: Don’t take yourself or anyone around you that seriously. There are some real truth gems in here but read this book however the fuck you want. Don’t be a trying-too-hard loser and highlight this shit or give it to your dud nicegirl friend to outline and summarize. Dating, much like this book, is supposed to be fun and light so have a laugh, bask in our awesomeness, and don’t you dare pick up any other dating book but this one. No one wants to date the girl whose bookshelf is lined with The Rules and Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.
Sure you’re going to fuck up our advice. A lot. We’ve fucked it up, too. A lot. That’s why we’re so smart. We’ve been around the block and learned the hard way. And honestly, we’re still learning. It’s important to remember through all your shitty dates, vicious fights, and nasty breakups that at the end of the day, whoever locks you down is fucking incredibly lucky and all the shit you’ve been through to find him will be worth it. There is no one out there like you and you are amazing, so even if you have days/weeks/months where you’re feeling discouraged or lonely (gross) make like Dory from that movie where she has Alzheimer’s and just keep swimming.
It’s Me, the Head Pro. ’Sup?
Hi there. If you’ve looked to the Betches for dating advice prior to the year 0 BIHANTAOL (that’s Before I Had a Nice Time and Other Lies, obviously), then we know each other. Not like, biblically, though I guess anything is possible. I mean that I’m the Head Pro, the Betches’ resident guy expert for all what the fuck does this text even mean? issues, and chances are if you’ve sought advice, your e-mail has come through my in-box. I give betches advice. Solicited advice, unlike that guy Corey in your hall freshman year, who—news flash—was just trying to fuck you.
As you read this book, you’ll see me pop in and out with my perspective on common dating shit. How soon is too soon to make a reservation for two (or more, if you like to party) at the Bone Zone Cafe? What are some dealbreakers that will cause your love interest to throw himself from the nearest tall building, resigning you to a life of loneliness and puppy Instagrams?
We can do this, together, you and I.
HAVING A BOYFRIEND FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING A BOYFRIEND
Just don’t do it. A lot of (sad) girls go to bed at night fantasizing how nice it would be to finally become the girlfriend of the guy she’s been pining over since her sophomore year of college. But what these girls need to realize is that just because he is their crush, just because they lie there thinking oh my god he’s so cute I’m definitely in love, he is only that. A fucking crush. This guy is an illusion, a hologram of your perfect boyfriend with the face and body of the guy you think would look good with you in couples pics on Instagram. You’re not in love. You definitely don’t know this bro well enough to “love him,” and if you ever got together you would probably realize that he sucks.
Dreaming about having a boyfriend is pathetic because it assumes that you need a guy to make you happy. By no means are we advocating that you should stay single forever. We just mean that a man should complement you, not complete you. Once you realize that you don’t need a boyfriend to make your life amazing, only then might you actually find a boyfriend.
“He’ll come when you’re not looking/least expect it,” says everyone you ever spoke to about the hardships of being single whom you subsequently wanted to shoot in the eye. But the root of your anger for said people is because deep down you know it’s true. Don’t be thirsty for a boyfriend. Don’t be the girl who wants to leave a perfectly fun pregame because you don’t want to date any of the guys there. Don’t be so transparently desperate. Everyone will smell the desperation and walk the other way. Including your friends.
The moment you realize that you don’t need to be completed is the moment when you are open to finding someone with whom you can share your green juices, summer weekends, and HBO Sunday nights,...
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