Still Standing: Addicts Talk about Living Sober (Addiction Recovery, Al-Anon Self-Help Book) - Softcover

Sinster, Bucky

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1573244767 ISBN 13: 9781573244763

Publisher: Conari Press, 2011

Synopsis

Stories That Heal You and the Hard Times That Don't Kill You

Bucky Sinister a recovered alcoholic and veteran of the punk rock and spoken word scene, brings the stories from the trenches about how to get sober, stay sober, and live sober.

Beyond the 12-step guide. Still Standing brings you the stories from the misfits, freaks, and weirdos that have come to recovery from a variety of backgrounds including tattoo artists, bartenders, musicians, and flight attendants to help answer the What Now? Question of living sober. Using a mixture of poetic reflection, autobiography and philosophy, Bucky Sinister turns this beyond the 12-step guide into a manual that helps unpack the mind when it’s overly packed.

Stories heal. Bucky Sinister knows all too well the power that words contain. Sober since February 19th, 2002, he’s traveled near and far to bring tales from the trenches about the ups and downs to truly living sober.

If you enjoyed books like Codependent No More, Drop the Rock, or High Achiever, you’ll love Still Standing.

About this title

About the Author

Bucky Sinister, is a spoken word artist who performs at comedy clubs and theaters, primarily on the West Coast, but also around the country. He has published nine chapbooks and three full English collections of poetry, the most recent being All Blacked Out & Nowhere to Go. His first full English CD, What Happens in Narnia, Stays in Narnia was released in 2007.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

STILL STANDING

ADDICTS TALK ABOUT LIVING SOBER

By BUCKY SINISTER

Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

Copyright © 2011 Bucky Sinister
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-57324-476-3

Contents

INTRODUCTION From Get Up to Still Standing
CHAPTER 1 Getting Sober Versus Living Sober
CHAPTER 2 More Habits Than a Convent
CHAPTER 3 Act Like Nothing's Wrong
CHAPTER 4 Hitting Walls
CHAPTER 5 Situational Habits
CHAPTER 6 As Long As You Have It All Figured Out
CHAPTER 7 The Great Not Me: Atheism, Higher Powers, and Prayer
CHAPTER 8 Not My Business
CHAPTER 9 Coffee, Cigarettes, Porn, Gambling, and Food
CHAPTER 10 How Addicts Can Be of Service to Normies
WHO HELPS THE SELF-HELPER?
GLOSSARY

CHAPTER 1

GETTING SOBER VERSUS LIVING SOBER

Anyone can get sober. If you have the money or the right insurance, you can goto some really nice detox and rehab facilities. They'll get you sober. They'llclean you out. You'll probably even enjoy it. One of the only consistentcomplaints I hear from people in such programs is about having to get up earlyevery day. People of all types have this problem: the early rising. Gettingsober is not the hard part. Living sober is what's difficult. Getting througheach day, getting through the rough moments, the hard patches, the trying times,that's what's hard. We hear and say in the meetings to "practice theseprinciples in all our affairs," but what does that mean really?

Living sober is against instinct. We've learned to live drunk, high, and wasted.The way you act in a crack house is not the way you act at the DMV. The way youreact to a rude asshole in a bar is not the way you react to a rude asshole atwork. What we've learned in order to protect ourselves, our possessions, and ourstash is not helpful to the rest of our lives; actually, acting in these wayswill ruin our lives. I don't think it's the big things in life that are going totake me out. It's the little things that make me feel like I'm losing my mind.I've been through deaths and breakups and job losses sober. Love, death, andmoney trouble are the big three dramas in our lives. Those things are so obviousto drink over that I never would. It's such an ordinary excuse.

Steps and Anti-Steps

When the big ones happen, that's when I get super into the program stuff. I callpeople. I have special themed meetings with my sponsor. I go to new meetings. Igo to meetings more often. I work the Tenth Step rigorously. I divide all partsof life into two camps based on the Serenity Prayer. When the big things happen,that's when I'm at my best program-wise, which is why I don't think I'll everrelapse over one of those.

It's like having a really sharp knife. You never cut yourself with it, becauseevery time you pick it up, you're super careful with it. You respect the dangerof the situation. However, with a dull knife, you cut tomatoes while holdingthem in your hand, you peel apples while watching television. That's when youcut off a finger.

Love, death, and money trouble are the big three dramas in our lives. Thosethings are so obvious to drink over that I never would. It's such an ordinaryexcuse.

The tiny traumas are what we should look out for. It's the little things thatget in the way of my life. Things like missing the bus, a coworker sending me asnotty email, or a friend flaking out on me can put me in a bad mindset. A carsplashes gutter water on me. My shoelace comes untied in the subway stationbathroom and drags through the floor, soaking up the pee of strangers fromaround the world. The smelly guy sits next to me on the train, then cracks opena can of malt liquor. Nothing huge in the big picture, but in the moment, thoseare some fucked up situations.

I can easily slip into the mindset that the world is out to get me. Bad thingshappen to me and no one else. I can feel the world plotting against me. Peopleare trying to get over on me. This mindset can affect how I treat everysituation and person I see thereafter. This mindset usually reasons and thinkslike I did when I was on a self-righteously indignant bender. It's the drunk methat a lot of people refer to as stinkin' thinkin'. Getting stuck in thisheadspace is what eventually takes a lot of people out. This is the hard one toshake.

We have to do more than stop drinking; we have to learn how to live sober.

This, in and of itself, is not sober behavior. Acting like a drunk is a good wayto start being one again. Take the alcohol out of a drunk asshole and all youhave left is an asshole. We have to do more than stop drinking; we have to learnhow to live sober. The steps help us with this.

But sometimes we take steps backwards: anti-steps. We return to our defects ofcharacter, we gain resentments, we exert our will in the wrong situations, weembrace our insanity, we become unmanageable, and then we go out.

We have to do more than just put down drugs and alcohol. We have to put down thewhole lifestyle. It's an interwoven life, and it doesn't work right without eachpiece in place.

What Now?

There's a What Now? phase with recovery and sobriety. At first, what to do isreally simple: go to meetings, work with others, do the steps. But somethinghappens once life balances out, and the waters become calm. Once you've workedthe steps, you've had a number of commitments, and you've helped other peoplethrough the steps, then what? It's a weird phase in which I've seen a lot ofpeople relapse.

We're creatures of habit. There was some comfort in doing the same things everyday or maybe every hour. It's a routine that we were in love with. Every hour isaccounted for. We're busy finding the means to get our vice, getting it, usingit, coming down or recovering from it, and repeating the process.

It's a routine that we were in love with ... we're busy finding the means to getour vice, getting it, using it, coming down or recovering from it, and repeatingthe process.

In this mindset, the bigger questions of life are all answered. The practicingaddict doesn't have to think about what the purpose of life is, about the worthof the moment, or the long term consequences of his actions. But take away theimmediate answer of drink or use, and the recovering addict is faced with theexistential questions faced by the rest of humanity.

What now? What should I do with my life? Have I wasted my entire life? Is it toolate to start over? How am I going to live outside the biodome world of rehab,meetings, and 12-Step coffee?

The Fuck-Its

The Fuck-Its are what you have when you feel like giving up everything,especially your sobriety, over something you're going through. "Fuck it!" iswhat you will say before you do something really stupid.

Recovery is too hard. Fuck it.

Not drinking is boring. Fuck it.

The fourth step is unreal. Fuck it.

What I've found with the Fuck-Its, is that they seem to come, not when somehorrible event happens, but rather during a series of tiny ones that add up to areal hassle. It starts with missing the bus, and then breaking a shoelace, andthen getting splashed by a car too close to the curb; then a random guy flashesyou some attitude, and a vending machine eats your money. That's when, over thebuck-fifty I put in the machine and got nothing back, I feel like drinkingwhiskey and killing people with an ax.

While the big ones (deaths, breakups, and money trouble) have been really hardon me at times, they are such obvious things to go out over that I don't reallyconsider it. I immediately take action, go to meetings, and call my sponsor andfriends, so I don't really see those as much of a relapse risk.

Those little things in life though, really fuck with my sense of control. Theybring up feelings of "the world is fucking with me" or "there really is a God,and He's pissed at me for not believing in Him." These thoughts are a sand trap.I'll get sucked in if I set foot in it. This is why the Fuck-Its scare me muchmore than life's big traumas.

AMY DRESNER

I met Amy Dresner in the mid-'90s on the spoken word scene. I ran an open mikein town, a notoriously debaucherous gathering where many people met their drugconnections. People came for the pot or the speed or the heroin and they stayedfor the poetry. Every summer, freaks of all types showed up in San Francisco,and many of them ended up at my event. Amy was one of those people.

Amy came from a good family in Beverly Hills. Most people think that the lifeshe came from guarantees a good life, but for some of us, the end result isinevitable. Addiction is no respecter of social status. Amy was no exception.

Within a few months, Amy was indulging in drugs and hanging out with the otheraddicts. It doesn't take us long to find our kind in the world. In less than ayear, Amy was back in southern California. There were various attempts atquitting and rehab before she finally gave up quitting on her own and decided on12-Step recovery.

Since then, Amy has put her life back together. She is married to a good man andhas repaired her family relationships. She's also pursuing her dreams of being astandup comedian.

The comedy world is second only to rock music for its reputation as a narcoticplayground. Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor, the three mencommonly thought of as the best comedians ever, all had substance abuseproblems. Bruce died directly of his usage, and Richard Pryor did serious damageto himself while high, including setting himself on fire. The stories of SamKinison's drug use are legendary. Mitch Hedberg died as his career climbed inproportion with his drug use. Relative to these figures, the alcoholic seemstame by comparison.

Headliners of comedy clubs usually drink for free in the club. They don't alwaysget paid that well, and they're often in town with little else to do, but theclubs are always serving alcohol. Booze softens the travel, the jet lag, and therough nights in little towns. It's one of the few jobs where it's not unusual todrink during work hours. So how does Amy handle the comedy gig sober? How doesshe keep from relapsing while surrounded by free drinks? How about dealing withthe competition, rejection, and personal politics that go along with it?

"Comedy is what I wanted to do my whole life," Amy told me. From a young age,watching Richard Pryor standup shows on HBO, Amy wanted to tell stories and makepeople laugh. But she never tried it until she was clean and sober.

Amy explains, "I was terrified. Also, drug addiction was my full time job. The[12-Step] program taught me how to show up and not let fear run my life."

She made sure she had a solid foundation in her sobriety before getting into theclubs.

"I didn't do standup at all until I had a year sober. And I'm totally out to theindustry. I tell everyone on stage first thing that this is who I am. However,most people in the comedy clubs are there not only to laugh but to get fuckedup. I try not to be preachy about it.

"Alcoholics have three gears: fuck you, poor me, and where's mine," Amy says.

This applies directly to the comedy world. Behind the scenes of standup is anemotional catfight of jealousy, bitterness, and envy. There's a certain amountof entitlement and self importance that a person has to have just to get up onstage, and the ones who stick with it are often rife with such personalityattributes, so much so that it works against them.

Amy continues, "I'm sensitive, like all alkies. I cry. When I have a bad set, Icall other comics. There are a lot of sober comics."

Amy counts her relationship with her higher power as the foundation of hercareer. "Comedy is a gift that's bestowed on me. I say 'God, be funny through meand I'll get out of the way.'

"When I get the Fuck-Its, I really think about the consequences of using. I'mmarried; it would fuck that up. I have epilepsy; I'll have a seizure if I dospeed again. I just know it's not going to work. I think back to the last timesI used. It always ends with me in the psych ward or the hospital. If I stillfeel like I have the Fuck-Its, I wait it out. I go to a meeting. I share, and itpasses.

"I think back to that first year. I don't want to go through that again. It wasthe hardest thing I've ever done," Amy concludes.

Most of the successful comics I've met have been really nice people, but on theway to the top, there are a lot of bad attitudes, personality problems, andcharacter defects. There are a lot of people who feel they were passed over forsome superficial reason such as looks, age, or ethnicity, and resent the otherswho made it instead. There's unhealthy competitiveness that leads to bitternessand jealousy. There's self-pity for not having the money, time, or physicallooks that the comic perceives he needs to make it.

I'm not sure where these comics are picking up the dry drunk behavior, but theyhave it. Some of them may have alcoholic parents, but it does remind me of thephrase "seem to have been born this way." It's really creepy to watch these guysact like drunks without having a drink. But while there's plenty of negativebehavior around, Amy focuses on the other sober comics and comics with positiveattitudes.

CHAPTER 2

MORE HABITS THAN A CONVENT

I was standing in line with a fellow 12 Stepper in a supermarket. This homelessguy gets arrested for shoplifting a bottle of vodka in his pants. Being alkies,we're fixated on the detail that it was Royal Gate vodka, the cheapest swillthey carried in the store. Being alkies with a few years sober, we considerourselves armchair psychologists.

"Look at that guy," my friend said to me. "Poor guy's esteem is so low hedoesn't think he deserves to steal anything better."

"Nah, I don't think so," I countered. "He's been drinking that swill for so longhe has some kind of emotional loyalty to it. He actually wants that more thananything else."

"Hey, man," my friend yelled out to the guy being searched by a security guard."Out of all the liquor in the store, why did you steal the Royal Gate?"

The guy looks at us like we're nuts. "Because it was on sale."

Okay, that's nothing more than a joke, and you're free to tell it like ithappened to you. But the reality is that we were one of the two addicts: the onewho does whatever's cheapest and most available, or the one who does the samestuff every time.

I loved the consistency of alcohol. It's in the same place during the same hoursfor the same price every day. A pint bottle is the same size every time you getone. It's never cut with something else. There's always more when you run out.

I hated when the drugs ran out, trying to get more. It is fun when it shows upin front of you, when someone you know has an eightball of coke or a bag ofpills or whatever, but trying to find more when that runs out was maddening tome. It would cost different prices; it would be of varying strength; I couldn'ttake it. I couldn't even enjoy the good stuff because I would retroactivelyresent every time I'd gotten lesser quality stuff in the past.

I loved the consistency of alcohol. It's in the same place during the same hoursfor the same price every day. There's always more when you run out.

I liked doing the same thing every day, even when it wasn't fun. It was thesame, and there was something comforting about that to me. After a chaoticchildhood, it was nice to feel like I had control of the world, even if thatworld was a fifth of whiskey and watching TV.

We love the routines of acquiring, using, and recovering. It answers so manyquestions in our lives. There are three things to do, and we can do them overand over.

Ten Things Every Recovering Addict Should Have

We're creatures of habit. Even the word habit is commonly used in conjunctionwith drug use. Drug habits. Habitual users. But it's beyond using. It's habitualliving.

We have habits that are associated with our drug and alcohol use. They're notall so easy to see as the habits that are directly related. There are lifechoices we make that are made because they help us live the addict's lifestyle.We may think they're not related, but they are.

As I look around my writing space right now, all I see is clutter. This issomething I've tried to overcome several times in sobriety, but I've had betterluck quitting smoking than becoming a tidy and organized person. Mind you, whenI was out, this problem was much worse. But it's still not where it needs to befor a man of forty.

I've fixed a few things along the way, things that didn't seem like much at thetime, but once I made the change, I felt like I had cheated myself for years. Sohopefully the clutter problem gets whacked into shape when I take the plunge andbuy some real grownup furniture.

After a chaotic childhood, it was nice to feel like I had control of the world,even if that world was a fifth of whiskey and watching TV.

I have problems with certain habits and undoubtedly you have problems of yourown. Here are habits you should get, habits you should break, and habits ofnormal people that will amaze and astound you.

Socks and Underwear

There's some weird thing that happens with addicts and their undies. It's onething to not wash your jeans or your jacket; it's another thing to not wash yoursocks. We get used to being in utter filth. When you're fixing with puddle wateror flat Faygo, having worn the same underwear for a few days is a nonissue.

But it's still gross. Not as gross as many of the other things that accompanyaddiction. Not as gross as abscesses. Not as tragic as meth mouth. Not nearly asunsanitary as the trash cans of vomit around the room or crapping in a bucket inthe corner of the squat.

But you're not a junkie anymore. And even though you've made progress and you'remuch cleaner than you were, you still have a way to go.

I've known junkies who had trench foot, a foot disease common with the soldiersin the trenches of World War I. It was known as jungle rot in the Viet Nam War.The medical name for this is immersion foot. It happens if you never take yourboots off for weeks. Prolonged exposure of the feet to damp, cold conditions cancause it. It can lead to gangrene.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from STILL STANDING by BUCKY SINISTER. Copyright © 2011 Bucky Sinister. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: Conari Press
• Publication date: 2011
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1573244767
• ISBN 13: 9781573244763
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 151