Enlightenment for Nitwits: The Complete Guide to 2012 & Beyond!

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9781885469120: Enlightenment for Nitwits: The Complete Guide to 2012 & Beyond!
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This is perhaps the first metaphysical/self-help humor collection, designed to appeal to Oprah and Dave Barry fans as well as those with more esoteric interests. In a style reminiscent of comedian Steven Wright, it s full of wry one-liners along with longer, hilariously mind-bending pieces on a wide range of subjects, including:

  • Announcement from the Mayan Calendar Committee
  • My Toilet Runneth Over,
  • A Lesson in Impatience
  • Breatharians & Sun Gazers
  • Bed Death & Beyond Outsourcing & UFOs
  • This Just in from God:
  • It's Not Easy Being An Old Soul
  • The Tao Travel Agency
  • Politics & Naked Shopping
  • Lipstick on Pig Splotches
  • Poetry Slammed
  • Potty Training Your Inner Child
  • Self-Confidence for Total Losers
  • Do-It-Yourself Near-Death Experiences
And more!

It features an Afterword by God: Let There Be Light Already!

Each of its forty-five short chapters is introduced with a funny blurb and photograph. This is a book you will keep handy to savor whenever you need an infusion of joy.

COVER BLURBS

Now you can achieve enlightenment without doing absolutely any work on yourself whatsoever!

"Funniest book in the last two billion years! Frankly, I enjoyed it more than the Bible."
--GOD, Creator of the Universe

The Keys to Life are yours for the price of a cheap paperback!

Many seekers have trod the difficult path to enlightenment, giving up everything and going through hell--Not only is a trip to the Himalayas expensive, but you have to hike through yak poo to remote villages with no Wi-Fi.

Now you can reach the highest states of consciousness possible to humanity without missing a single text message. And even Walmart couldn't beat the price if it hired all the sadhus in India to toil in sweatshops for ten cents an hour to bring you the secrets of the Universe. This book is everything you need to ascend into the stratosphere of spiritual mastery!

More Acclaim for Enlightenment for Nitwits:

"Heck of a job, Hoodie! Of course, I didn't need this book because I was already enlightened, but I'm sure it will help a lot of other people. Keep up the good work!"
--GEORGE W. BUSH, former owner, Texas Rangers

"Thousands of candles can be lit from this single book. But read it first."
--THE BUDDHA, inventor of enlightenment

"Wickedly funny. Something to offend everyone!"
--SATAN, Prince of Darkness and leading cable news producer

"We are not amused. However, Prince Harry laughed his arse off."
--Her Royal Majesty QUEEN ELIZABETH II

MORE TESTIMONIALS

"I love Enlightenment for Nitwits! It is the funniest book I have read in several decades. If laughter leads to enlightenment, it will certainly do it. Nothing--thank God--is sacred in this delightful spoof on life in general."
--C. Norman Shealy, M.D., author of Life Beyond 100

"Enlightenment for Nitwits made me see God. I never would have guessed She wears so much makeup."
--Jeffrey Briar, California

"That filthy homosexual Zionist infidel swine Shepherd Hoodwin caused me to laugh so hard it almost made me want to forsake being a servant of Allah and become a comedian. May Allah punish him when he dies by greeting him with seventy-two voluptuous virgins. It would serve him right."
--Ayman al-Zawahri, leading terrorist

"Thanks to this book, I made a 360 degree turn in my life. ... It has it all: brilliant punctuation, scintillating paragraph breaks, & ampersands to die for."
--Stan Grindstaff, editor

"Draino for the Soul."
--Joe the Plumber

"Every star in rehab wants a copy. Hotter than the iPad Mini combined!"
--London Hilton, celebrity/hotel

"I would have peed in my pants if I had been wearing any."
--Meredith Bernhardt, Massachusetts

"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.

About the Author:

Shepherd Hoodwin has been channeling the Michael entity since 1986. He also does intuitive readings, mediumship, past-life regression, healing, counseling, and channeling coaching. He has conducted workshops on the Michael teachings throughout the United States. He is also the author ofJourney of Your Soul: A Channel Explores the Michael Teachings (North Atlantic Books, 2013), Meditations for Self-Discovery: Guided Journeys for Communicating with Your Inner Self, and Loving from Your Soul: Creating Powerful Relationships. Upcoming titles include Opening to Healing Energy, Growing Through Joy, and Being in the World. Shepherd is a graduate of the University of Oregon in Music. He lives in Laguna Niguel, California.

Review:

Enlightenment for Nitwits is the funniest book I have read in several decades. Without quoting the book, it is difficult to recognize its utter simplicity: "If you're not in absolute bliss by the end of it, you might want to increase your meds." "If you're reading this before the invention of the printing press, be advised it is forbidden to interfere with the course of human history." Everything, from his grandmother's urine and feces samples, beautifully gift wrapped and left on the train, to blowing it by having a thirty second negative thought, is the name of the game. Nothing is sacred. "Sometimes you have to spend another $3 at Walmart to get class and elegance." You can defend to the death your right to shop naked or you can buy the book and enjoy 223 pages of delightful spoofs.
--C. Norman Shealy, M.D., Ph.D., author of Life Beyond 100

"About this title" may belong to another edition of this title.

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Book Description Summer Joy, United States, 2011. Paperback. Condition: New. Language: English . Brand New Book. This is perhaps the first metaphysical/self-help humor collection, designed to appeal to Oprah and Dave Barry fans as well as those with more esoteric interests. In a style reminiscent of comedian Steven Wright, its full of wry one-liners along with longer, hilariously mind-bending pieces on a wide range of subjects, tied together by the idea of clueless humans trying to find enlightenment. With its fall release, it will be a great holiday gift for anyone who loves to laugh. Its perfectly timed to take advantage of worldwide anticipation of 2012, the legendary end of the Mayan calendar, which is a recurring theme in the book. Seller Inventory # NLF9781885469120

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Book Description Summer Joy, United States, 2011. Paperback. Condition: New. Language: English . Brand New Book. This is perhaps the first metaphysical/self-help humor collection, designed to appeal to Oprah and Dave Barry fans as well as those with more esoteric interests. In a style reminiscent of comedian Steven Wright, its full of wry one-liners along with longer, hilariously mind-bending pieces on a wide range of subjects, tied together by the idea of clueless humans trying to find enlightenment. With its fall release, it will be a great holiday gift for anyone who loves to laugh. Its perfectly timed to take advantage of worldwide anticipation of 2012, the legendary end of the Mayan calendar, which is a recurring theme in the book. Seller Inventory # NLF9781885469120

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