James Bond: License To Quote: The Quotable Double-0 Seven

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9781907338106: James Bond: License To Quote: The Quotable Double-0 Seven



1500 humorous quotations about Commander Sir James Bond

This volume uniquely focuses on humorous comments made about 007 rather than direct quotes from the Bond films or books.

Bond's life & legend, books & movies, enemies & lovers, cars & gadgets all come in for close inspection. 007 is as much a sitting target for defecation by the sardonic snipers in the press as an object of deification by the eulogistic empathists populating the fansites.

"Frankly I wish he'd just get back to the days when Bond head-butted Curt Jürgens in the face, blew up Donald Pleasence's volcano and went to bed with Barbara Bach."
Jeremy Clarkson in The Sunday Times

"James Bond is just Jeremy Clarkson with a better haircut and worse jokes."
Giles Coren in The Times

"Bond has no sense of humour, telling only one joke in all 14 books (in Goldfinger (1959) - and it isn't very funny)."
Anthony Horowitz in The Daily Telegraph

"Everyone in Bond is named after somebody Ian Fleming knew. Pussy Galore was probably his cleaning lady."
Sinclair Mackay, The Man with the Golden Touch

"I have friends who talk about the pleasures of the Bond fantasy. But what that really boils down to is a bald bad guy, a bird in a bikini and loud bangs in a foreign country."
Cosmo Landesman in The Times

"Indiana Jones, Arnie, Derek Flint et al owe a major debt to Bond, James Bond. Or perhaps Broccoli, Cubby Broccoli."
Michael Cooper on Alternative007.co.uk


"A brand new book for the James Bond fan is on store shelves ... Available now is James Bond: Licence To Quote: The Quotable Double-0 Seven, compiled and edited by Colin M. Jarman, containing more than 1,500 quotes about the world's most famous British spy ... Licence To Quote is the first quotations book solely dedicated to the ever-expanding universe that surrounds James Bond."
Devin Zydel on CommanderBond.net

"Blue Eyed Books has collected 1500 hilarious and provocative quotable quotes on all things 007 ... Quotes are sorted by actor, film, the books, Bond's world, etc. A great read, one of the more entertaining Bond phenomenon books of the past ten years."
Matt Sherman on The James Bond List

"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.

From the Author:

with sample quotations from the book


1a. Book Bond or Film Bond? (007 In Print or On Screen)
"James Bond lives on, for he has outgrown the books, and even the movies can scarcely contain him."
Michael Dirda in The Chronicle Review (2008)

1b. Reboot, Revamp, Rebond (007's Recurring Regeneration)
"In Casino Royale, Daniel Craig came out of the sea in his tight trunks and Bond was reborn. Some might even say reBourne."
The London Paper (2006)

1c. Bond Age(d) (007 in his 'Twilight Years')
"Given that he was already a thirtysomething when he sprang to life, our least secret secret agent ought by now to be hobbling around on a Zimmer frame (with built-in Martini shaker)."
Christopher Bray in The New Statesman (2005)

1d. Bond, James Bond!
(Variations on 007's Oft-Imitated Introduction)
"The name's Bond, James Bond ... It's timeless, the quotable equivalent of a Savile Row suit."
The Sunday Herald (2006)

1e. Blunt, James Blunt? 
(Variations on Ian Fleming's Iconic Description of 007 ...)
"I wanted to show a hero without any characteristics, who was simply the blunt instrument in the hands of the government."
Ian Fleming in The New York Times (1954)

1f. Shaken & Stirred
(Variations on 007s Chosen Cocktail)
"The franchise, which is now 40 years old, has come to mean something more than the sum of its highly inconsistent parts. For one thing, the series is safe as milk that's been neither shaken nor stirred."
Stephanie Zacharek on Salon.com (2002)

1g. To Be James Bond
(Variations on Raymond Mortimer's book review of OHMSS)
"James Bond is what every man would like to be, and what every woman would like between her sheets. But only in their daydreams."
Raymond Mortimer in The Sunday Times (1963)

1h. Spy Another Day (007 in the Real World of Espionage)
"In Goldeneye, 'M' gave Bond the mother of all dressings down, calling him a sexist, misogynistic dinosaur; a relic of the Cold War and questioning his boyish charm. So that's how they do performance reviews in M.I.6."
Garry Maddox in The Sydney Morning Herald (2008)

1i. The Bond Identity (007 compared to other Screen Action Heroes)
"Before Superman, Batman or Indiana Jones, there was Bond, the bespoke superhero, blowing up stuff and nonchalantly risking life and limb for God and country."
Hal Hinson in The Washington Post (1995)

1j. Parallel Universal Exports (Other Screen Action Films reviewed in terms of 007)
"The Transporter has a James Bond feel to it. Or rather, what a Bond film would be like if a sophisticated, ex-British special forces commando went into petty crime instead of spying."
James Plath on DVDTown.com (2002)


2a. Bond Gadgets & Guns
"I'm into gadgets. I've always been fascinated by James Bond's gadgets. He had these brilliant little gadgets and the guy who gave them to him 'Q', must have been some kind of psychic. He always gave him exactly what he bloody well wanted."
Eddie Izzard

2b. Bond Transport
"Bond's stupendous, gadget-infested silver Aston Martin DB5, the car that spurred a thousand Corgi purchases."
Derek Adams in Time Out magazine

2c. Bond Intake: Food, Drink & Smokes
"Bond was the first well-known bachelor on the American scene who was not a drifter or a degenerate and did not eat out of cans."
Barbara Ehrenreich

2d. Bond Fashion
"It is hard to overestimate the effect James Bond had on post-war readers and audiences. Here was the first English hero who didn't own a sensible jumper."
Christopher Fowler in The Independent on Sunday (2006)

2e. Bond Sex
"I once read that Bond's tie (endlessly adjusted) is a penis substitute. It isn't; there is no substitute for a Bond penis.
Jeanette Winterson in The Guardian (2002)

2f. Bond Mots (007s Gags, Quips, Puns & One-Liners)
"Bond is little more than a chalk outline surrounding some timeworn quirks and a quiverful of smartass quips."
John Patterson in The Guardian (2001)

2g. Licence To Bond (Variations on 007s Licence to Kill)
"Bond, in short, is a highly perfumed fashion icon, with a licence to smell lovely."
Ben Macintyre, For Your Eyes Only (2008)


3a. Ian Fleming
"Ian Fleming keeps you riveted. His narrative pulls with the smooth power of Bond's Thunderbird."
The Sunday Telegraph (1962)

3b. Ian Fleming on Bond
"I'm not in the Shakespeare stakes. My books are straight pillow-book fantasies of the bang-bang kiss-kiss variety."
Ian Fleming

3c. The Bond Novels

"The 1950s was the era of Ian Fleming's James Bond stories, a species of cloak-and-dagger and espionage. Averaging about fifteen clichés per page, they were scarcely readable then and became less so as the years went by."
John A. Cuddon, A Dictionary of Literary Terms (1977)

3d. Non-Fleming Novels & Authors
"Getting Sebastian Faulks to write a Bond book is like asking Polly Toynbee to write the next Die Hard film."
Jeremy Clarkson in The Times (2008)


4a. Bond Movies
 "Liveand Let Die doesn't just embrace lameness, it gropes and French kisses lameness with vodka breath and then vomits in lameness's bed."
David Campbell

4b. Premium Bonds (007's Leading Men)
"George Lazenby wasn't Sean Connery. He wasn't even Neil Connery."
The Rough Guide to James Bond

4c. M.I.6. Head Office
"There's 'M', Bond's boss, who's become so maternal in her dealings with him that you half expect her to slip a lollipop in with his next travel itinerary."
Kurt Loder on MTV.com (2008)

4d. Bond Girls
"The books are extravagant - their parade of barely clad heroines so absurdly named they sound like lingerie brands: Solitaire, Tiffany Case, Honeychile Rider, Kissy Suzuki."
Charles McGrath in The New York Times (2008)

4e. Bond Villains
"The least likely Blofeld in Bond history ... A tall figure with a beard, Max von Sydow's Blofeld looked as if he had stumbled out of rehearsals for some stage version of Ibsen's A Dolls House."
Geoffrey Macnab in The Independent (2008)

4f. Other Bond Characters
"The one unalloyed treat in Golden Gun is Hervé Villechaize as Scaramanga's diminutive butler-cum-attack dog Nick Nack."
Adam Lee Davies in Time Out magazine (2008)

4g. Behind The Camera
"That hallowed piece of montage - the title sequence - in which the viewer is shot by Bond while unwisely attempting to hide in a spiral sea shell."
Adam Mars-Jones in The Independent (1995)

4h. Bond Music
"Dum didi dum dum dum der der; dum didi dum dum dum DER-DER, der-der-der. Thirty years after my first James Bond movie, that signature tune can still send a shiver up my spine."
Jackie Ashley in The New Statesman (1999)

4i. The Title Is Not Enough (Alternative 007 film titles)
"Goldeneye opted to use Ian Fleming's address, which suggests a novel way forward. Future Bonds could use the name of his school (Durnford), or his waist measurement, or his favourite breed of dog. It could be worse. It could be Quantum Of Solace."
Xan Brooks in The Guardian (2008)


Dr. Gregory House [Hugh Laurie]: "He's here."
Dr. James Wilson [Robert Sean Leonard]: "Who's here? The one you're pretending is your father? ... Good pick, he looks like Sean Connery. So back, when you were devising this fantasy, did you tell your father. 'Dad, I refuse to recognise your existence because I have chosen James Bond as my dad.' "
House: "I used different words."
on House M.D.: Birthmarks (2008)
over 4000 quotations about the world's favourite secret agent. (added by author)

From the Inside Flap:

James Bond: License To Quote: The Quotable Double-0 Seven ... contains over 1500 quotations about James Bond and his world, though not actually from Bond himself in the films or the books. It was compiled and written by Colin M Jarman. You can learn more about the book by checking out its website or thru Twitter.

James Bond hasn't been this much fun since Roger Moore hung up his eyebrows and ditched the safari suit for a clown outfit.

James Bond: License To Quote is chock-full of humor and laughs. There are so many fun quotations most of which I had never seen before. Where did they get them all from? Is there a James Bond Quote Bank the size of Fort Knox that stores all these gems?

Here are a couple of the 1500 ... so hard to choose which to share:

"James Bond is little different from comic book characters. 007's Aston-Martin is simply a Batmobile suitable for valet parking."

"Revenge is a dish best served with bullets, high explosives and giant rolling flameballs. In Quantum Of Solace, James Bond orders the revenge buffet, deluxe."

Totally brilliant. Read it and weep - with tears of joy. Even Oddjob would take his hat off - in deference - to the guys at Blue Eyed Books. Mission accomplished.


A great idea! Why has no one done it before? Funny quotes about all the main areas of James Bond and some surprising obscure themes like the Real James Bond and 007 compared to other fictional spies like Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer. Plus a very wide catchment of sources from Jerry Seinfeld to Gregory House MD. All in all a great book with hours of fun and interest. 007 out of 007!

Brilliant title (can hear Connery saying it now 'Bond, James Bond - License to Quote') and a brilliant book covering the fun things said about Bond (films and books, girls and cars). Not seen a Bond book like it! A definite must for Bond fans like me.

I could write more but the best way to describe the book is to give a few examples of the quotations (found on the Amazon book page).

"James Bond was a suave intellectual who could slice through life's difficulties with the ruthless efficiency of Oddjob's hat." William Grimes, New York Times (1991)

"I wish he'd get back to the days when Bond head-butted Curt Jurgens in the face, blew up Donald Pleasence's volcano and went to bed with Barbara Bach."  Jeremy Clarkson, Sunday Times (2009)

The only minor drawback is the lack of an index at the back but the book is well laid out with lots of clear chapters so an index is not really missed. Overall, it is a book that I shall read over and over and have already recommended it to friends and other Bond fans.


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