The Tea Party Guide to Being a Real American: Arming Yourself against Godless Liberals, Dirty Socialists, and Sexy Ideas

Roland Boyle

Published by Sourcebooks, 2011
ISBN 10: 1402262698 / ISBN 13: 9781402262692
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Synopsis: "America is good. Everything else is bad."  So begins the first chapter of the greatest book ever on the second-greatest Tea Party ever: your Tea Party.  Or, if you're a godless wussy liberal dirty poopy socialist, their Tea Party.  Either way--with us or against us--The Tea Party Guide to Being a Real American is for you.  America is in hot water, and this book is going to teabag the whole damn country.
 
This book has the answers. Answers to questions like Why did Jesus write the Constitution? and What's the most patriotic sexual position? Well, it doesn't quite answer that second one, but the HOT, SCREAMING SEX CHAPTER does offer a few variations from the Tea Party Kama Sutra, and some great pickup lines to use at rallies that might make such a right-wing hookup possible.
 
You'll also learn where the real Tea Partiers are partyin', which guns to amass for your weapons cache, and how to cram more church into this godforsaken secularist state. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll get strapped and hit the streets, ready for the End Times.
 
In short, this is the book you've been waiting for--so what are you waiting for?  Be a Real American.  Order this book, or the terrorists win.  By terrorists, we mean enemies of the Constitution both foreign and domestic.  And by foreign and domestic, we mean Barack Hussein Obama and Nancy Satan Pelosi. Seriously.  It's a very funny book, and it's arriving just in time for the 2012 election cycle.  Order now, before the Democrapocalypse ruins everything!

From the Author: Dear Founding Fathers,
I'm sorry.  We really messed up.  You guys worked so hard, pledging your sacred honor and all that to the cause of freedom.  You fought, thought, wrote, argued, compromised, designed, foresaw, sacrificed, hung in there, stuck to it until you'd done what you came together to do.  You found common ground and dug into it to build a strong foundation for America.  All this, you managed while wearing periwigs and painful shoes, as the teeth rotted in your wisdom-filled heads.  And what did we do?  Instead of using our best tools and materials and workers to complete the structure, we turned the deed over oligarchs and plutocrats and big corporations.  We sat around and watched TV and read the purple section of USA Today while USA Yesterday disappeared in a cloud of exhaust and a flurry of Facebook status updates.  We were distracted by every shiny object and new gadget and ad gimmick and gewgaw that paraded past our stupefied faces.  We got fat and lazy and slow.  In short, we sucked.
We still suck.  But as least we have this book, which can save us all, if only by reminding us that it's funny to suck as totally as we do.  We must laugh, or we'd all just go jump off a bridge.  Knowing us, we'd screw that up, too.
Sorry.
-Roland Boyleaka The Tea Bastard
PS:  I wrote the book in Kansas, but also in English.  My deadline was way before a lot of recent events took place.  Herman Cain and Rick Perry were months from jumping into the presidential race.  The Occupy Wall Street protests had yet to hit the streets.  And Glenn Beck's new TV network was just a gleam in his teary eye.  It was a simpler, more innocent time.  I've tried to add some additional stuff for the Kindle version, but my publisher said, "Stop writing and start promoting."
By the way, the page count is not 272.  I don't know where that number came from.  It's 258, including an index that I tried to make as funny as an index can be.

I've now done several radio interviews to promote The Tea Party Guide, and one question everyone has is, "What's with all the sex in the book?"  I don't know.  I was raised by ministers in a small, conservative town where, if you so much as breathed a word about sex, they'd bleach your lungs.  Apparently I have some issues.  It's not a book to leave sitting around for the kids to pick up and peruse.  They'll be scarred for life.
But aren't we all?  Aren't we all just trying to heal ourselves?  And isn't laughter reputed to be, medicinally speaking, the best thing for that?  Laughter, and maybe some sex? OK then.

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Title: The Tea Party Guide to Being a Real American...
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Publication Date: 2011
Book Condition: Good
Edition: Original.

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