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Watch Out Fifty Shades of Grey – Classic Literature Gets Eroticized

Soon to be renamed "Heaving Bosoms"?Oh Gods, kill me now.

According to the Time Magazine NewsFeed, who I can only pray are having some peculiarly-timed April Fool’s-style laugh at our expense, things are about to get a whole lot worse.

Publishers eager to cash in on the current craze of….”mommy porn”….*shudder* are reportedly planning to release steamier versions of some stories. Some classic stories. Some classic stories in literature that we all know and love oh god zombies were bad enough but is nothing sacred?! Sorry, sorry, I’m okay. Some of the titles to undergo the hideous sexy treatment are apparently Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, and Wuthering Heights.

A publisher called Total-E-Bound is releasing the titles, and while money is (clearly) money, they do acknowledge that this may not be a popular decision with everyone:

“We recognize it’s a bold move that may have a polarizing effect on readers but we’re keeping the works as close to the original classics as possible,” Total-E-Bound founder Claire Siemaszkiewicz told the Daily Mail.

erm…as close to the original classics as possible, you say? I’ll just let this comparison of excerpts from the original and the new version communicate my opinion on the subject.


“‘Jane, be still a few moments: you are over-excited: I will be still too.’ Mr. Rochester sat quiet, looking at me gently and seriously. Some time passed before he spoke; he at last said — ‘Come to my side, Jane, and let us explain and understand one another.’”

New Version:

“‘Jane, be still a few moments, you are over-excited. I will be still too.’ My master captured my wrists and secured them behind my back, imprisoning me and preventing my movements… He exerted the force of his will as effortlessly as he schooled my person, relentlessly and with an inexorable force, he commanded me against his body… No matter how I controlled my mind, my very flesh was weak.”

Yes. Right then. Am I alone in thinking it was perfectly sufficient and lovely to read Pride and Prejudice and concoct my own fantasies about Mr. Darcy? How lazy are we getting now?

Regrettably, these beloved classics are often the ones to fall victim to zombie and sexy shenanigans and such, since the copyright on them has expired, leaving them vulnerable to whatever grotesqueries we can think up next to inflict upon them. We do, of course, have the option to ignore the blasphemy entirely, reread the originals, and shake an embittered fist at the sky. But then, perhaps I’m just a fuddy-duddy.

Get off my lawn.

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