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“The Lord of the Rings”, by James Joyce, Ernest Hemingway, and more.

Some gems in here – what might The Lord of the Rings have been like if it were written not by J.R.R. Tolkien, but by…

Ernest Hemingway?

Frodo Baggins looked at the ring. The ring was round. It was a good ring. The hole at the heart of the ring was also round. The hole was clean and pure. The hole at the heart of the ring had an emptiness in it that made Frodo Baggins remember the big skies of the Shire when his father had taken him out and taught him to tear the heads off the small, furred things that walked there, even though he hated blood in those days and the stink of the blood was always part of the emptiness for him then and ever after.

Frodo Baggins could put the ring on his finger now. The stink of the blood and the hole and the emptiness could never leave him now. Frodo Baggins looked at the ash-heap slopes of Mordor and remembered the Cuban orc who had kept the ash on his cigar all the way to the end. The orc just drew on the cigar and smoked the cigar calmly and kept the ash in a long gray finger, a hard finger, right to the moment that the Rangers beat hit to death with clubs. He was mucho orco, the Cuban.

Frodo Baggins looked at the ring and the hole and smelled the sulfur smell that came from the vent in the mountain. There were scorched black bushes round the vent. The vent was like the cleft of the old whore at the Prancing Pony on the night that the Black Riders came. Frodo Baggins reached in his pouch and took out the flask of good grappa there and filled his mouth and swallowed the grappa. She was mucha puta, the old whore.

Frodo Baggins could spit again so he spat hard, once. He took the ring and threw it into the vent.

The earth moved.

…or by James Joyce?

Old man willow, whistling like a tea pot, shining like a star, oh so brilliant in the dreaming and smoke and by the river, Goldberry’s river, dancing like a vision, Bombadil, Bombadil, Bombadillo. Rock of ages, youg and ageless, naked before my eyes like Rivendell Rock, sweet and hard and trusting….

…or perhaps by Lewis Carroll?

Frodo peered at the wizard, who looked like nothing he’d ever seen before except in a nightmare after his elder sister’s birthday party.

“Come on”, he said, “No time to lose, we’ve got to go and lose Bilbo’s ring!”

“Lose it?”, said Frodo, “Why, I’ve only just found it.”

“Tut tut, no time to argue, we’ve got to go and lose it again.”

“But *can* we just lose something like that?” asked Frodo. “Without so much as a by-your-leave or how-de-do?” he added a little impertinently.

“Of course we can” said the strange wizard, “Why, I’ve frequently lost as many as six things before breakfast, rings included. I dare say you haven’t had much practice at losing things. We can do *much* better than that if we really try, you know,” he said, blowing several smoky rings of various colours into the room.

Frodo blinked, and wondered if his big sister had had *another* party the night before.

More on the original post at changingthetimes.net

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