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The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest: 2012 Winners

Each year, the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest challenges writers to craft the stinkiest, most appallingly god-awful opening sentence they can imagine. The contest is named for Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose novel Paul Clifford is the origin of the famous line “It was a dark and stormy night.”

This year’s winner was Cathy Bryant from Manchester, England, who submitted the exceptionally vomitous:

“As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.”

Other remarkably cringeworthy submissions included:

“As an ornithologist, George was fascinated by the fact that urine and feces mix in birds’ rectums to form a unified, homogeneous slurry that is expelled through defecation, although eying Greta’s face, and sensing the reaction of the congregation, he immediately realized he should have used a different analogy to describe their relationship in his wedding vows.” (by David Pepper of Hermosa Beach, California)

“The blood seeped out of the body like bad peach juice from a peach that had been left on one side so long the bottom became rotten while it still looked fine on the top but had started to attract fruit flies, and this had the same effect, but with regular flies, that is not say there weren’t some fruit flies around because, after all, this was Miami.” (by Howard Eugene Whitright of Seal Beach, California)

You can see all the 2012 Bulwer-Lytton winners here.

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