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Todd's tired of me, I thought, sitting down on my bed and wrapping my arms around my tucked-up knees. I wracked my brain, thinking over the events of the past week or so. Had there been any other signs? Every day before school we'd met at my locker the way we always did. We'd hung out together at lunch and during study hall. We'd had a few study dates and we'd gone to the Dairi Burger and Guido's Pizza Palace--the usual spots--with our friends. We'd taken a bike ride in the hills and seen an old Bette Davis movie at the Plaza Theatre, and one night we'd gone parking up at Miller's Point. On the surface, it had been a pretty ordinary week.
But maybe that's the problem, I thought. Suddenly things appeared in a different--and very disturbing--light. Our relationship was in a rut. For example, take that night at Miller's Point, which was the big parking spot in Sweet Valley. Kissing had been fun, but we weren't exactly carried away by passion. I'd even caught Todd checking his watch at one point. As for our study dates, we'd actually studied during them!
My head was spinning--a whirlpool of misery threatened to pull me under. "Whoa, get a grip, Wakefield," I advised myself. One broken date, one crummy phone call--they didn't necessarily mean the end for me and Todd. Talk about overreacting!
But I couldn't shake the feeling that something was really wrong. It didn't help to tell myself to be reasonable. Emotions have a life of their own, and mine were in a tumult.
I stood up and walked across my room to look out the window. Outside, the last rays of the setting sun streaked the purple-blue sky with pink and amber. A breeze stirred the fronds of the palm trees in the yard. Only the lonely sound of a distant dog barking broke the still of the evening.
Suddenly I felt an almost overwhelming impulse to reach for my diary. I've been keeping a journal for years and I've filled almost a dozen cloth-covered volumes with reflections on my day-to-day life. Everything's in there: triumphs, disappointments, hopes, dreams, fears, secrets. I understand things better when I write about them--I always turn to my journal when I'm sad or lonely or confused.
This time, though, I didn't intend to write in my diary. I wanted to read it. Countless entries in the past were about my relationship with Todd. We'd had a lot of ups and downs in our time together. Maybe my diary would provide a clue for what was happening to us now. Maybe it would help me figure out what to do next. If nothing else, reading it could make me feel less alone.
I took a volume from my bookshelf, unlocking it with a tiny key I kept hidden in my sock drawer. Then I curled up on my bed, the comforter wrapped around my legs, and started to skim the pages through eyes clouded with tears.
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