Better Than Money Can Buy: The New Volunteers - Softcover

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0931029015 ISBN 13: 9780931029011

Publisher: Innersearch Pub, 1996

Synopsis

Is Humanity Good at Its Core? Is there real goodness in the world? Is altruism alive and well? A book on Human Service Alliance invites us to take a closer look at these and other questions. The book, "Better Than Money Can Buy: The NEW Volunteers," leaves little doubt and offers an antidote to the cynicism of our times. Human Service Alliance (HSA) volunteers have been described as "angels" and HSA has been called "the next best thing to heaven," yet it is the true story of a group of ordinary people who perform extraordinary, selfless deeds in daily service to others. Hundreds of volunteers at this unique Winston-Salem organization care for adults who are dying, children with developmental disabilities, and people who suffer from chronic pain. The organization and its efforts have been described as being similar to the work of Mother Teresa, with an American, nondenominational approach.

Human Service Alliance is attracting world-wide attention and its success serves as inspiration and a model for others seeking to start an all-volunteer service organization. People travel from all over the world at their own expense to serve 50-60 hours a week, receiving room and board but no stipend. Why do they do it? Can only a few special people be a part of this? What is the motivation?

Stories and commentaries in the book reveal magical transformations which happen among the servers and those served. Many find that they come to volunteer, and in that process discover a profound sense of purpose that gives their lives new meaning. This book is their story, and it can be yours; it is for anyone open to having their heart touched by inspiration, love, and goodwill.

All proceeds from the sale of this book go to support the services to the community offered by Human Service Alliance.

About this title

About the Author:

"Better Than Money Can Buy" reflects Human Service Alliance's "group work" approach. The book was originally created by three dozen veteran volunteers. They tape-recorded and then transcribed significant poignant stories and events in the of the organization, founded in 1986. The material was then compiled by two of the group members:

Joseph Kilpatrick has a law degree and is assistant director of the Z. Smith Reynolds Foundation, one of North Carolina's largest charitable organizations. He has published numerous articles on philanthropy, the nonprofit sector, and public policy.

Sanford Danziger, MD is a psychotherapist, and management consultant. He previously co-authored several books on his work in these areas, including: "The Power of Balance" (Partners in Performance, 1990), and "You Are Your Own Best Counselor" (Self-Mastery Systems, 1984). He is president of TRP Enterprises, a firm which offers training for businesses, schools, government agencies and individuals to help them become more productive, creative, and positive no matter what the circumstances.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.:

"Better Than Money Can Buy," Chapter 7: LETTING GO OF "VICTIM MENTALITY" In the course of doing cooperative service work, the volunteers have become aware of a pervasive mode of thinking that they have dubbed the "victim mentality." This chapter explores the nature of victim mentality, its effects on service, and the methods that can be used to minimize its negative influence. In the early days of Human Service Alliance, volunteers noticed that almost any time they had a negative attitude, it was the result of feeling victimized by another person or by some aspect of their life, work, or personal circumstances. The term "victim mentality" was coined to describe this state of mind. The volunteers quickly came to realize that victim mentality was a hindrance to the quality of their service and to their ability to work cooperatively.

Consequently, HSA started teaching new volunteers about "victim." Learning to recognize and release one's victim mentality is now incorporated into every aspect of HSA's organizational life. It is uncommon to find examples of serious victim behavior among the volunteers.

EXAMPLES OF LEAVING VICTIM MENTALITY AT THE DOOR Victim mentality is the flip side of a positive attitude. One negates the other. Each of us has times when we go into victim mode. If we can "catch ourselves in the act," we can become more keenly aware of what shape our victim mentality takes. This self-awareness can be a springboard for consciously shifting to a more productive and positive attitude.

One of the most important personal agenda items which HSA volunteers are encouraged to leave at the door is their victim mentality. Here are some examples:

When Wylie or Amy spoke harshly to caregivers, these volunteers could have felt-and acted-victimized. But they didn't.

When Robin thought that she-and her good idea for kitchen reform-was being ignored by the HSA meal supervisor, she could have stayed in the victim mode, but she didn't.

When Pamela's replacement person did not show up, she could have harshly blamed him or felt sorry for herself. She did neither.

Each person clearly saw that he or she had the choice to think and act like a victim or, instead, to select some type of positive attitude which would better serve the clients. Each was helped by his or her ability to recognize the impending victim state. Each could say, "Hey, I think I'm getting into 'victim.' I don't think I want to do that." Or, "Well, my mood sure feels like 'victim.' Isn't that interesting? Now I have a choice."

HOW TO RECOGNIZE VICTIM MENTALITY An important thing to learn about victim mentality is how to recognize when we are enmeshed in it. It is usually present in thoughts and feelings like these:

"What an awful situation!" "Just look what they've done to me." "Look what you made me do." "I'm the one who's doing all the work here." "I'm an eagle surrounded by turkeys." "I'll get back at them for what they've done to me."

The common theme in these phrases is the denial of responsibility for one's own situation and for how one reacts or responds to that situation. The underlying belief is that other people, or that external circumstances, are in control of how we think or feel, or even act.

At HSA, the serious topic of victim is often dealt with in a lighthearted manner. Volunteers have found humor to be a wonderful antidote to feelings of victim. In this spirit, the volunteers once participated in a group exercise. Each person was asked to voice his or her "favorite" victim statements. The exercise took a full two hours! And the laughter and amusement of everyone, as they recalled their own examples, surpassed the most lively audience at a "comedy hour" performance. Later, all the statements were combined into a single list. That list has become a powerful tool for helping people to become more aware of those times when they are lapsing into victim mentality. It is posted on the bulletin board at all times. It is also used in training programs which HSA conducts throughout the United States and abroad.

STATEMENTS WHICH INDICATE VICTIM MENTALITY Look what you made me do. You hurt my feelings. It's your/his/her/their/God's fault. Can you believe what she did to me? If you'd straighten up your act, we could get along. I didn't do a thing to her and look what she did to me. I'm sick and tired of . . . When you do that, it just drives me nuts. I can't help it, that's just the way I am. If only he wouldn't/weren't/didn't . . . Nothing I do makes any difference. If you really loved me, you would/wouldn't . . . It's all her fault. I'm always so busy doing for everybody else, I never have time for myself. I'm that way because of my terrible childhood. I don't love myself enough yet, and until I do . . . There you go again; you keep doing that to me. We always have to do what you want to do. I've told you a thousand times that I don't like that. He just doesn't care about me or he would not do that. I do all the giving around here and get nothing in return. I've been abused by people all my life. My boss doesn't appreciate me. My kids don't appreciate all I do for them. It's because of you that I have this headache. You just don't know the misery you have caused me. If it weren't for me, you'd be a nobody. You've hurt me for the last time. Why does this always happen to me? Why me? You make me so mad/frustrated/angry, etc. Everything happens to me.

"Better Than Money Can Buy," Chapter 7: LETTING GO OF "VICTIM MENTALITY" continued

A GENERALIZED "VICTIM STATEMENT" The essence of victim mentality is represented by the following statement: If things are going wrong, or badly, or not to my liking, then someone is to blame. It is necessary to identify the person(s), circumstance(s), or source(s) of why things are not as I think they should be. Blame must be determined, and it must be accepted by the wrongdoer. I must be vindicated. The bad things that happen to me are not opportunities for learning or growth.

WE HAVE A CHOICE Two HSA volunteers recall the experience of standing with a small group of people at a bus stop. The bus was late and it started to rain quite hard. One of the commuters lamented that he was going to miss a favorite TV show because the bus was late. Another remarked, "I'm starving. The bus driver must have it in for me." A third person began speaking critically of the bus company. The bus turned out to be 20 minutes late.

Suddenly the rain stopped. A brilliant rainbow appeared in the sky. One of the volunteers said, "It was beautiful-clear and vivid. If that bus had not been late, we would have missed the sight of that rainbow. It still gives me joy to think about it."

In this example, everyone was experiencing the same circumstances (the late bus and the thunderstorm). Most reacted with a negative or critical thought. They were in victim mentality. Two people responded by focusing on the positive aspects of their circumstances. Like the examples of other volunteers described above, they did not allow the thunderstorm-or some other circumstance-to rob them of a positive outlook.

At HSA, volunteers come to know we have a choice. We can react to life's daily occurrences in a victim-oriented way (as if we are powerless over our feelings and attitudes), or we can respond with a clear, detached, and even-tempered awareness of our power to shape how we view our circumstances. It is the latter, the path of awareness and response, that unleashes the full power of positive attitude.

RELEASING VICTIM MENTALITY IMPROVES THE QUALITY OF SERVICE What if members of an all-volunteer service group committed-as a group-to exercise their best efforts to release all forms of victim mentality? What effect might this have on those they serve? The original volunteers did choose to make such a commitment-individually and collectively. They developed the following statement to serve as a reminder of what it would take to maintain awareness of victim mentality:

I completely and wholly accept that everything that has ever happened to me, that is presently happening to me, and that will happen to me in the future, provides me with opportunities for learning and growth, and that no one else can be rightly blamed for any negativity, hurts, or abuses which my emotional nature experiences. I shall seek no exceptions to this belief, even when the apparent cause is not of my making.

LESSONS LEARNED Victim mentality is quite pervasive. To remove it, one must learn how to think, work, and live in a new way. It takes time, but it's worth it. Much has been learned about the power and inspiration inherent in the practice of non-victim behavior. Some examples are:

The conscious release of victim mentality is an ongoing process. It requires continual vigilance and self-awareness.

It is a goal that can be achieved. It is within the capacity of "ordinary people" to learn and practice this attitude, especially as a part of a group in which everyone is committed to this goal and supportive of each other's efforts.

The less victim mentality one exhibits, the more selfless his or her service will be.

Releasing victim mentality allows one's compassion, acceptance, and love to expand.

Releasing victim mentality is inspiring to others, and it often has a transforming effect on them, as well. Its practice is contagious.

Releasing victim mentality creates a positive environment, which shapes the culture of the entire organization. This positive environment is magnetic. It attracts like-minded people.

The release of victim mentality removes excuses. It acts as a defense against self-defeating or compromising rationalizations. Volunteers do not have a convenient way to "let themselves off the hook" from giving their best-whatever that may be.

It allows the organization to function in a way that is joyful and highly effective.

The ability of the HSA volunteers to let go of victim mentality carries over into the rest of their lives. Their overall "quality of life" is improved.

A KEY TO GROUP WORK At HSA, the principal unit of organization is the group. It is the group effort that really counts. As in any organization which requires close cooperation among individuals, there are frequent opportunities for people to feel victimized, e.g. when people start to think that they are working harder than anyone else, that their work is not being sufficiently appreciated, or that others are dominating the effort.

ON THE LIGHT SIDE During lunch hour, a group of construction workers sat down together and opened their lunch pails. When one man opened his, he moaned, "Oh, no. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again!" The next day when he opened his pail he again exclaimed, "Oh, no! Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again today!" On the following day he shouted with disgust, "Oh no! Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!"

At this point, one of his coworkers said, "Well, why don't you tell your wife to make you something else?"

"What do you mean?" the man replied. "I'm the one who makes my lunch!"

About this edition

• Publisher: Innersearch Pub
• Publication date: 1996
• ISBN 10: 0931029015
• ISBN 13: 9780931029011
• Binding: Paperback
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 163