First There Was Forever - Softcover

Romano, Juliana

3.58

1,158 ratings by Goodreads

Softcover

ISBN 10: 014751391X ISBN 13: 9780147513915

Publisher: Speak, 2016

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* "Fans of Sarah Dessen and Jenny Han won’t want to miss this sensitive exploration of romantic and platonic relationships in flux."

Lima and Hailey have always been best friends: Lima shy and sensitive, Hailey funny and free-spirited. But Hailey abandons Lima to party with the popular kids and pursue Nate, her disinterested crush. As their friendship falters, Lima and Nate begin spending more time together. And before Lima knows what she’s feeling, she and Nate do something irreversible. Something that would hurt Hailey....if she knew it happened.

Lima thinks she’s saving her friendship by lying, but she’s only buying time. As the secrets stack up, Lima is forced to make a choice: between her best friend forever, and the boy who wasn’t meant to be hers.

*Publishers Weekly, starred review

"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.

About the Author:

Juliana Romano grew up in Santa Monica, California. She is a working artist and writer. First There Was Forever is her debut book.

Visit her online at www.julianaromano.com and follow her on Twitter @julianafromano

chapter

one

Hailey and I were sitting on the beach behind my house in Malibu, on the smooth, damp sand by the edge of the water. The Pacific Ocean stretched out before us. Tiny, razor-sharp shards of light sparkled across its surface like glitter. A wave nipped at our bare feet and Hailey squealed.

“Tell me everything,” I said.

“I told you already,” she replied, squinting out toward the horizon. A gauzy sheet of clouds hung across the sky, diffusing the late summer sun. “He was really cute and it was fine. It was whatever. I’m just glad it’s over with.”

Hailey, my best friend in the world, had lost her virginity the day before to a guy she met at a barbecue while she was visiting her dad in San Diego. She called from the bathroom immediately after it happened to tell me. But now her story was strangely empty, colorless. Usually, Hailey was an amazing storyteller.

“So, you’re not going to see him again, like, ever?” I pressed. “San Diego isn’t that far from LA. You guys could meet up.”

“It wasn’t like that,” she said. “And besides, I only want Nate. I don’t care about anyone else.”

Hailey had been in love with Nate Reed since the fifth grade. She wasn’t discouraged by the fact that he had never liked her back.

“Don’t look so serious.” Hailey laughed and flicked a loose chunk of sand in my direction. “Anyway, do you think I look different? Will Nate be able to tell?”

“Yes?” I said it like a question, just in case it wasn’t the right answer. I was accustomed to knowing exactly what Hailey was thinking, but there was something slippery and hard to read about her right then.

“Skyler says guys like it when you’ve had sex,” she said, digging her toes into the sand. “So maybe it’ll help.”

“You told Skyler already? When?” I asked.

“I saw her this morning,” Hailey said. “We got manicures.” Then, she lay back in the sand and closed her eyes.

I stared out at the ocean and tried to imagine that I could actually see the curve of the earth a thousand miles away. In a few days, tenth grade would start and summer would be officially over. It had been perfect. Peaceful, long, and lazy. All I did was hang out with Hailey, work on my garden, listen to music, and cook elaborate meals for me and Mom and Dad. The three of us ate on the back deck with the waxy beach air wrapping itself around us like blankets almost every single night. Once school started, everything would change. I wouldn’t have time to go to the farmers’ market and pick out strange fruits to turn into pie fillings or jams. I wouldn’t be able to lie in bed with Hailey all day, having old movie marathons and eating candy.

I turned to Hailey. In the sunless, natural light, I could see every detail of her skin—even the grayish layer of concealer she had smeared under her hazel eyes and the goose bumps that rose up on her thighs like Braille. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t a virgin anymore. Even if she didn’t think it was a big deal, I did.

Hailey’s eyes snapped open as if she could sense me staring at her.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

“I just . . .” I began. “I just still can’t believe you had sex.”

Hailey looked away before she spoke. “I’m telling you. It’s not what you think.”

I waited for her to continue, but instead she sat up and brushed the sand off her forearms.

A slightly denser cloud moved in front of the sun, and the world seemed to grow a shade darker. The tail end of another icy wave sliced at our feet and we both flinched.

“It’s freezing out here,” Hailey said. “I’m so over the beach. Can we go inside and pick at your mom’s weird health food?”

� � �

Inside, Mom made us almond milk smoothies, and we curled up on the big white couch to drink them. The first floor of our house was one open sprawling space with the kitchen, the living area, and the dining area all flowing together. The back wall was made entirely of sliding glass doors that opened onto the beach, so salty air was always blowing in. Even our closets smelled like the ocean. Our furniture was mostly white and minimal, but Mom scattered Mexican blankets and painted pots from Africa around the room for color. Mom and Dad used to travel a lot and collect things before I was born. That’s actually how I got my name: Lima. Lima is the city in Peru where my dad proposed.

“‘Trust your instincts this week, Cancer,’” Hailey read aloud from the LA Times horoscope section. “‘When it comes to a big decision, your intuition will guide you. Be willing to take a financial risk, but discuss your options first with a trusted few.’” Hailey rolled her eyes. “This is so not helpful.”

Mom perched on the arm of the couch. With her long blond hair swept into a ponytail, and wearing jeans and a T-shirt, she almost looked like a high school student.

“How’s your mom, Hail?” she asked.

“Crazy,” Hailey deadpanned. “Her new thing is she smokes in the bathroom and then lights all this incense to cover it up. I’m, like, ‘Mom, all the Nag Champa in the world isn’t going to disguise the smell of cigarettes in a room with no windows.’”

Mom frowned. She was always protective of Hailey. When we were in fourth grade and Hailey’s parents were getting divorced, she actually lived with us for three weeks. One night, she and Mom slept together in the guest room because Hailey’s nightmares had gotten so bad. I confessed to Mom later that I had been jealous, but she explained to me that sometimes when you have a lot of something, like love, you have to share.

“Anyway, these horoscopes are bullshit,” Hailey continued. “Sorry for cursing, Laura. I’ll put a penny in the swear-word jar.”

Mom laughed. We didn’t actually have a swear-word jar but somehow Hailey always knew what to say to lighten the mood.

Hailey sunk deeper into the couch and flipped to a new page of the newspaper.

It bothered me that she was acting like having sex was no big deal. I had barely ever made out with someone, so it’s not like I could relate to her experience, but I still wanted to know what it had been like. I wanted her to share more, to include me in everything she was feeling. Instead, it was the opposite. All afternoon, she had seemed like she was only half there.

I gazed outside at the flat white sky. The afternoon tide was coming in. A big wave crashed on the beach, and the foam gnashed at the sand like teeth.

chapter

two

On the first day of school, I went straight to the vending machine after second period to meet Hailey at our spot. She wasn’t there, so I leaned against the cool plastic shell of the machine and waited.

“Excuse us,” a ninth-grade girl said. She and her friend both had crisp back-to-school haircuts and fresh tans. They talked quickly while they shoved quarters down the throat of the machine. After they got their Diet Cokes, they left behind the smell of sunscreen and flowery shampoo.

Emily Friedlander spotted me from across the patio and waved. I waved back. Emily lived down the beach from me in Malibu, and we’d known each other forever without ever really being friends. All Emily cared about was surfing.

“What do you have next?” Emily asked after we’d exchanged an awkward hug. Her blond hair glowed like a fluorescent light. It looked almost white next to her ruddy, sun-stained skin.

“Honors Chemistry,” I said. “With Patty.”

“Really? Me too!” Emily said. “I’m freaking out. It’s going to be so hard. I’m so glad I know someone in the class. Maybe we can even study together.”

“Yeah,” I agreed absently.

The crowded patio had begun to thin out as people made their way to class.

“Should we go?” Emily asked. “I’m not even sure where the classroom is.”

I checked my phone to see if Hailey had texted, but my screen was blank.

“Yeah,” I said. “Let’s go.”

� � �

Honors Chemistry was in a big, bright room on the top floor of the science building. It must have been the highest point on campus because the view out the enormous glass windows was amazing. Sitting at a desk in the front row, I could see all the way past the ramshackle industrial buildings outside to the San Fernando Mountain range that divided the city from the valley. The ridge of the mountains cut a jagged line along the horizon, and the sky above them was a vivid, glossy blue.

“What is the second kind of scientific experiment?” Patty asked.

A senior in the front row raised his hand.

“Yuri?” Patty said.

Patty had memorized all of our names during roll. She was one of those teachers who you could tell was a good teacher right away because she had an even, patient way of talking.

“Exploratory,” Yuri said.

“Right. So, the candle wax lab tomorrow, will that be testing a specific hypothesis, or an exploratory investigation?”

I knew the answer but I didn’t raise my hand.

“Lima?” Patty asked, as if she had heard my thoughts.

“Testing a hypothesis,” I said.

“Which will be?” she continued.

“That the wick, not the wax, is the primary fuel for a burning candle,” I answered. Even though I knew the answer was right, I felt my face get hot.

Science had always been my favorite subject. I liked how everything promised to make sense. There were rules. In labs, I marveled at the way a written formula could match the reality of an experiment so neatly. Not very different from baking something from a recipe.

Patty turned her back to us and started writing on the board. She had white hair, cut within an inch of her skull. It wasn’t styled like a pixie cut, or some fashion statement. It was just plain, short hair, like a little boy would have. Everything about Patty was practical and comfortable. She wore a fleece jacket, khaki shorts, and hiking sneakers.

Most of the teachers at our school, Rustic Canyon Day, dressed like Patty: outdoorsy and casual. Rustic was founded in the seventies by a bunch of hippies in the Santa Monica Canyon. The elementary and middle schools were still run out of the original location, but the high school moved to a set of converted factories in West LA when I was a kid.

Patty ran over by ten minutes, cutting into lunch. When we got out, I texted Hailey and she wrote back that she’d left campus. She said she’d be at the smoking tree after school.

� � �

By the time I arrived at the tree, Hailey and Skyler were already sharing a giant drink from the gas station across the street. They had been becoming friends ever since they had easy-math together the year before, but Skyler and I had zero in common. Now they were wearing identical heart-shaped sunglasses. Their faces were pointed in my direction and, because I couldn’t see their eyes behind their lenses, they possessed a blind, animal-like quality, like deer.

“Hey, Li,” Hailey said.

“Cute shoes,” said Skyler. I looked down at my dirty red Converse and wondered if she was being serious or not. She and Hailey were both wearing wedge sandals and short, colorful dresses, while I was in beat-up jeans and a gray T-shirt. I nervously touched my hair, checking to see if the knot-bun I’d tied it in that morning was still in place.

“I haven’t seen you all day,” I said. “How were your classes?”

Skyler yanked the drink out of Hailey’s hand.

“Classes were whatever,” Hailey said. “But guess what? We went out to lunch with Ryan and Nate today. It was awesome. I think Nate got literally hotter over the summer.”

Skyler wrinkled her nose and inspected the waxy straw of their drink. “Hailey, you’re so nasty, you chewed up the tip. That’s so gross. I don’t want to put this in my mouth.”

“You’ve put plenty of dirtier shit in your mouth, Sky,” Hailey replied.

Skyler cackled.

“Anyway,” I said awkwardly. “My classes were whatever, too. Chemistry is gonna be so hard.”

Hailey nodded.

“Do you want to come over later?” I continued. “My mom and I got these zucchini flowers at the farmers’ market yesterday. We’re gonna stuff them with cheese and fry them for dinner. They’re gonna be amazing.”

“I don’t know,” she said vaguely. “Maybe.”

She glanced at Skyler, who had taken the lid off of the soda and was drinking straight from the cup.

“I’ll call you, okay?” Hailey said to me.

� � �

Mom, Dad, and I ate on the back porch that night and afterward I went up to my room to do homework. It was seven o’clock and Hailey still hadn’t called. I stared out my bedroom window. The setting sun hovered over the ocean, a melting crimson bulb.

My computer beeped. It was a chat request from Emily, seeing if I had done the chemistry reading yet. I wrote back and told her I was about to start. I checked my phone one last time to make sure I hadn’t missed any texts from Hailey, and then I plopped on my bed and opened the textbook to page 35. I ran my hands firmly down the center to flatten the pages, pressing hard until I heard the soft crack of its cardboard spine.

chapter

three

“Lima, oh my God, I miss you,” Hailey said, throwing her arms around me. We were halfway through the second week of school and this was the first day Hailey had showed up at our meeting spot.

“I’ve been here at break every day,” I said. “Where have you been?”

The year was off to a bad start. Hailey was impossible to pin down at school, and my time at home was being devoured by hours of nightly homework. I’d been so busy I had neglected to take care of my garden, and last night I discovered that my strawberry plants had wilted and died. I’d tended to those plants all summer, watering them and pruning them and watching them transform from a packet of seeds to perfect living organisms. There is an indescribable joy that comes from seeing a plant you have grown yourself produce actual edible fruit. Each strawberry, even if it was small and lopsided and soft, had felt like a miracle.

“I know it’s totally my fault that we haven’t seen each other lately,” Hailey confessed. “It’s just that now that we have off-campus privileges, I leave at, like, every single break.”

“Just ’cause we’re allowed to go off campus doesn’t mean you have to go,” I said softly. As the words came out, I could hear how lame I sounded.

“You’re right. I’ll probably get sick of it soon. But it just feels exciting. And Nate is usually there. And you know me: when it comes to Nate, I have no self-control. Actually, when it comes to anything, I have no self-control.”

We both laughed, and I felt comforted by Hailey’s honesty. She wasn’t avoiding me. She was just chasing something else.

“Come out to lunch with me and Skyler today,” she said. “You might like her more than you think.”

� � �

It turned out “going out to lunch” with Skyler and Hailey meant getting iced coffees and driving in circles around the neighborhood. I was starving. I couldn’t believe we weren’t actually going to get food.

“Slow down,” Hailey yelled as Skyler swung a sharp turn and the car fishtailed. “I’m gonna mess up my makeup!”

Hailey was sitting shotgun and using the flip-down mirror to smudge cover-up onto the circles under her eyes.

“Don’t put so much on. It look...

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