69 for 1

Recently returned from the dead, Alan Coren finds that the world has changed little in his absence: children still turn to Winston Churchill to save them from school dinners; Clark Gable snuggles—as ever—against the bristly chest of his lover Errol Flynn (despite having been captured on video by the entire British delegation of a Hong Kong sales conference); and hysterectomies continue to be performed by enthusiastic poulterers. As for Coren himself, despite bearing the distinguished rank of full colonel in the Confederate Air Force, he remains plagued by recurring nightmares that his membership of the P.G. Wodehouse Society has been poached by a Polish imposter in spats. England’s best-loved humorist finds time to explain why Cannon & Ball have relaunched themselves as Pride & Prejudice; to work out that if J.K. Rowling had put all her Harry Potter income on Archer’s Folly in the 3.15 at Haydock Park she would be richer than Bill Gates; and to reveal exactly why he took Princess Michael of Kent to see the smuttiest statue in London.