Gratitude and Trust: Six Affirmations That Will Change Your Life - Softcover

Williams, Paul; Jackson, Tracey

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0147517966 ISBN 13: 9780147517968

Publisher: Plume, 2015

Synopsis

Paul Williams is an alcoholic.

Tracey Jackson is not.

But together, these two close friends have written Gratitude and Trust, a book designed to apply the principles of the recovery movement to the countless people who are not addicts but nevertheless need effective help with their difficulties and pain.
Williams, the award-winning songwriter, actor, and performer, has embraced a traditional alcoholism recovery plan for more than two decades of sobriety. Jackson, a well-known TV and film writer—and veteran of many years of traditional therapy—has never been a drunk or a drug abuser, but she realized that many of the tenets of Williams’s program could apply to her. In Gratitude and Trust, Williams and Jackson ask: What happens to those who struggle with vexing problems yet are not full-blown addicts? Are there any lessons to be learned from the foundational and time-tested principles of the recovery movement?

Whether you’re tethered to your phone or you turn to food for comfort; whether you’re a perfectionist and can’t let things go or are too afraid to fail to even try; whether you can find intimacy only on the Internet or you’ve been involved in a string of nasty relationships—the first step toward feeling better about yourself and your life is the realization that you are what’s standing in your way. Williams and Jackson have designed a new, positive program, based on a half-dozen new affirmations, that can help conquer your vices, address personal dysfunction, and start to brighten the darkest moods. Gratitude and Trust is an essential, inspirational, and uplifting guide to identifying and changing maladaptive behaviors in order to uncover your most productive, healthiest self.

About this title

About the Author:

Paul Williams is an Oscar, Grammy, and Golden Globe winning Hall of Fame songwriter ("Rainbow Connection," "Evergreen," and "We've Only Just Begun") and President of the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (ASCAP). He is a major public force in the recovery movement, a graduate of UCLA's Drug and Alcohol Counseling Certification Program and has served as a member of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence Board of Directors. He was a founding board member and counselor for the Musicians Assistance Program (MAP), now the treatment wing of MusiCares. He has been a passionate public advocate for the recovery movement for the past twenty-four years.

Tracey Jackson wrote the films Confessions of a Shopaholic, The Guru and The Other End of the Line among others. She has also written twelve TV pilots, and created the series BABES for Fox TV. Tracey wrote, directed, and starred in the controversial documentary Lucky Ducks, which can presently be seen on Amazon, Journeyman Docs and pay for view. Her first book, Between a Rock and Hot Place: Why Fifty is Not the New Thirty, came out in 2011 and was optioned for a TV movie by Lifetime. Tracey blogs three times a week on traceyjacksononline.com.  She has blogged for Huffpo, WOWOWOW, Society for Drug Free America, Tiny Buddha and various other sites.  She runs Gratitudeandtrust.com with Paul Williams.
 

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.:

***This excerpt is from an advance uncorrected proof***

Copyright © 2014 Paul Williams and Tracey Jackson 

1.
Shopping List of

Bad Behavior
Somewhere in Here You

Will Recognize Someone

You Know: YOU

Yesterday I was clever

So I wanted to change the world.

 

Today I am wise

So I am changing myself.

—Rumi

 

Your Path

1. “I’VE GOT A PROBLEM.”

Say it loud. Say it clearly. Close the door if you don’t want anyone to hear you. Admitting you have a problem is the first stop on the high-functioning express: If you don’t own it, you can’t fix it. So before you do anything else, make this declaration, be it on paper, in front of the mirror, or as a mantra you repeat to yourself.
2. IDENTIFY YOUR PROBLEM.

Before you can begin to change your behavior, you must know what it is you’re changing. We’ve isolated many common problems in this chapter; one or several may be yours.
3. HOW IS YOUR BEHAVIOR AFFECTING YOUR LIFE?

How do we know when our maladaptive behaviors have crossed the line? We often don’t. And we usually have a well-worn list of excuses for how they haven’t. We’ve included a questionnaire in this chapter that will tell you if your “issues” have grown to unacceptable proportions. If you’re reading this, we’re guessing they have.
4. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THE TIME FOR CHANGE IS NOW. The time has come to commit to a better way of living. “Soon” is not a time. “After Thanksgiving” is not a time. “After I’ve finished my exams” is not a time. Now is a time. Look at your watch. Write down what time it is. Write down the date. This is the moment your new life has begun.
We are all human, thus we all make mistakes. Many of us make the same mistakes over and over and over again. In fact, we seldom make new ones because bad habits are just the repetition of mistakes, be they conscious or unconscious. Addiction enters our lives when we let the momentary pleasure or pain avoidance of those habits hijack our critical thinking and affect our behavior in ways that are either life threatening or life limiting. “Addiction,” “bad habits,” “poor life choices”—call them what you will: They all fall under the heading of “Lack of Impulse Control.”

Do you talk about something you never get around to doing? Do you make grandiose, life-changing plans you never end up realizing? Do you find yourself saying, “This is my last [fill in the blank]”: My last cheeseburger. My last affair with a married man. My last charge on my already overused credit cards. My last lie to Mom, Dad, myself. The last time I do not do what I promise myself I will.  “Tomorrow I start over.” “New leaf.” “Never again.” “One more time and that’s it.” Are you a member of the “I’ll start tomorrow” club but tomorrow never comes? Are you easily derailed by the opinion of others? Does your own fear-based thinking hold you back? Does the idea of staying where you are, no matter how uncomfortable, make you feel safer than moving toward something that might actually make you happy? Are you ignoring any signs of danger ahead?

The advantage (if you can call it that) that addicts have is that they have their identifiable addictions. Whether you are an alcoholic, a drug addict, a compulsive gambler, or an uncontrollable overeater, you know what you are fighting. But if you are a woman who makes poor love choices, a serial philanderer, someone who sabotages friendships in the workplace by gossiping, someone whose go-to emotion is fear, or someone whose neediness drives people away, there is a good chance you have remained blissfully unaware of your addiction until significant damage has been done. The saddest wake-up call of all is the news that your actions have brought damaging turbulence into your daily life and more often than not the lives of others. Most likely, none of you are lacking for concerned friends or family members who are more than willing to act as human billboards reminding you of where you fall short. You screw up, the wife points out why, you turn to her with a look of intense gratitude and say, “Thank God you were there, Cindy. I never noticed. THAT won’t happen again!” Meanwhile, back in real life, we know that seldom happens. More often than not, the repeated complaints of partners, lovers, and friends only drive us deeper into our cave of “Honor thy cravings; screw the rest of the world.” Addiction is a powerful foe.

· · ·

So it may be an unwelcome revelation, but awakening to the fact that the fly in the ointment is you is the beginning of change. The truth is at your door, and with it, the possibility of a new beginning.

PAUL

In the world of recovery, “First things first” has become something of a holy commandment. There’s a reason such statements become bumper stickers. They’re necessary elements to a proper beginning.

Addiction is in fact a primary disease, meaning it is not a symptom of another disorder. It must be dealt with before any of life’s other challenges can be met. Whatever your personal disorder or dysfunction may be, if you are beginning your own path of recovery, the same sense of priorities will serve you best. Deal with your problem. There’s no time like the present.

So what does it take to get us to walk away from stagnant, chronic, destructive behavior? A “Doesn’t work now; never really did” pattern that has become a habit?
If you’re not doing a single thing but reading this chapter, then you’re already taking a positive step. That’s because change begins with the will to change, and finding the will to change is a major triumph. Drug addicts become sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sometimes that’s enough: the reality of change or die. For the non–life-threatening but life-limiting conditions, the stakes may be smaller but the rewards of change are large. Just the commitment to change, followed by those first attempts at a more constructive behavior, can be comforting. You’ll be energized by the thought of a new and better life, one that is free of the daily “Oh, no! Not again!” moments after vowing to fix things “this time.” So that said, let’s get started.

TRACEY

In society, we are encouraged to hide our problems and cover up our shame. In the world of recovery, people are applauded for owning their failures.

Identify Your Problem
If one gathered together twenty-five random people and made them all stand up and talk about the problems in their lives, every one of them would have made a bad love choice, sabotaged an opportunity, hurt someone while defending their own position, or worried about not being able to control their weight, their temper, their lust for the girl or boy next door. We all have a laundry list of things we have done or continue to do that we are ashamed of and would like to change.

But before you can change anything, especially something that is most likely harbored in your subconscious, you have to be able to identify it. Let’s start at the top:

The Seven Deadly Sins

Wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony may look like eternal damnation to a Catholic priest, but for some of us they’re just a nice way to spend the weekend. I’ll have lust and gluttony to start, with a side of greed!

While you may not feel your behavior can be described in such singularly biblical terms, chances are good that if you take some of your, shall we say, “issues” and break them down, most likely they will contain elements of this iconic group.

Let’s start with wrath. Someone nabs your parking spot and the first thing out of your mouth is a remark about the other person’s maternal parent, followed by a sexual slur? Road rage? Short-tempered with the kids? Boss always pissing you off? Actually, these days everything pisses you off. If that sounds about right, you might have anger issues. Sure, sometimes these feelings can be legitimate, but they still make you a card-carrying member of the Seven Deadly Sin Society. Is “I’ll do it later” the first thing that comes out of your mouth when a task is presented to you? Is a job half done as acceptable to you as a job well done? Is your house a mess? Your checkbook unbalanced? Your résumé not up-to-date? Sounds likesloth. If for you there is any truth to the claim that the average male thinks about sex once a minute, lust is the runaway lead in your Issues to Be Dealt With Department. Same goes for if you’re a woman. Lust is one of society’s biggest problems. From porn addiction to serial philandering to sexting—thanks to modern technology, what once might have been a weekly romp in the Motel 6 has taken on colossal daily devotion. But lust comes in many forms, especially when it comes to our stuff, like your neighbor’s car or swimming pool. But we guess we’ll be moving on to envy with that one, which is really just the marriage of lust andgreed. Obsessing over your coworker’s iPad mini? That’s envy. Over your coworker’s fiancé? Well, that’s lust, envy, and greed all rolled up into one. Supersize me one more time—give me a G for gluttony!

You get the idea.
What Exactly Is Your Problem?

Don’t even try and say you don’t have one. We all do. You need to give your problem a label. We use labels for a reason: to let us know what’s what. Without labels we would pour tomato soup on our cereal instead of milk, and pour Drano into the washing machine.

To help you find the right label, let’s have a look at the granddaddy of shopping lists of bad behavior: “The Seven Deadly Sins.”
How Is Your Problem Affecting
Your Life?

Everyone feels these things from time to time. And they are by no means entirely bad or destructive. It’s when they start to interfere with your life in a disruptive manner that they must be dealt with.

How do we know when our maladaptive behaviors have crossed the line from the occasional guest appearance to starring in and ruining the show?
For alcoholics and drug addicts there is a simple twelve-question test developed by Dr. Robert Siegler that is used to separate the social or problem drinker from the alcoholic. While some of the questions are directly related to alcohol abuse, there are several questions that might help you assess the extent of your own dysfunction.
1. Do you lose time from work due to your behavior?

2. Is your love life suffering due to your behavior?

3. Is your behavior making your home life unhappy?

4. Is your behavior affecting your reputation?

5. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your behavior?

6. Do you turn to disreputable companions and an inferior environment due to your behavior?

7. Does your behavior make you careless of your family’s welfare?

8. Has your ambition decreased as a result of your behavior?

9. Does your behavior cause you to have difficulty sleeping?

10. Are you less efficient because of your behavior?

11. Is your behavior jeopardizing your job or business?

12. Do you use your behavior to escape from worries or troubles?

And we will take the liberty of adding one important question to the mix:

13. Is your behavior affecting your health in an adverse or dangerous way?

Now, if you are living with your madness at a manageable level and would like to keep rolling along in that fashion, you don’t need to change a thing. But if you’re fed up with your revolving-door anger at life’s unfair turns, it’s time to look down the barrel of your discontent, own your broken promises, give up your often tried but not so true excuses, and begin to change.

PAUL

One day in my thirteenth year my father missed a turn and drove into an empty cornfield. An angry farmer ran up to the car, looked in the backseat, and upon seeing two frightened children screamed, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’re drunk! You’re going to kill yourself and those kids someday!” He was absolutely right, and I suspect my father knew it. Four months later he was dead. He died alone when he drove that car directly into the abutment of a bridge.

Thirty-five years later I was doing the same thing: driving loaded with my two beautiful children in the backseat of my car. Why do bright, well-educated, and civilized men and women ignore such dark truths and continue on paths of self-destruction?

 

At this point you may be saying, “Hey, wait a minute, I’m not a drug addict. I keep my booze to a minimum. I would never drive drunk. I make everyone wear a seat belt. I pay the rent on time. Keep gas in the car. Walk through the mall looking and acting like everyone else. I’m a version of fine.” Then one might ask why you picked up this book. Something must be gnawing on the wires of your psyche. Something must feel out of place in your world.

There is a lot of information in the promise of this book: Recovery is not just for addicts. You might not have a drug habit, but addiction comes in many forms. It’s what takes your mind off of the real issues. It’s what keeps you focused on something else instead of the underlying problems. The guy you are stuck on who never follows through—it’s easy to get mad at him, be on and off with him, rage at him or cry over him. But if you look at your life, was there anyone else who behaved in the same way? Maybe Dad? Are you addicted to the patterns of push-me/pull-you? Is your understanding of interaction with the opposite sex all about confrontation and disappointment? Is the controlling dynamic of your relationships anger, rejection, and conflict? Do things not feel right unless they present wrong?

Addiction doesn’t necessarily imply there are substances involved. Addiction to feelings is a powerful force. Addiction to feeling inadequate, addiction to feeling superior, addiction to feeling like you are always letting people down, addiction to feeling like you will never be the person you want to be, addiction to your excuses for why things don’t work out. “If I lost twenty pounds, my life would be better. I would have a better job, a better love life, a better apartment. People might like me more.” “So,” one could ask, “if you really feel that way, what is keeping you from just cutting back on what you consume and getting out there and moving around? Or are you so addicted to the temporary comfort that food provides that it becomes more important than the guilt and remorse about overconsumption it leaves behind?”

Also, never underestimate the power of habit. Habits keep us tethered to something even if that something is not good for us—even if that something is in fact keeping us from what we really want. The reliability of a connection so powerful and long-standing somehow feels safe in a twisted way.

One of the big barriers to repairing our problems is that we are terrified of what our life will look and feel like without this “thing” we have become so used to. The thing can be booze, it can be heroin, it can be sugar and fried food, it can be constantly having something to complain about, it can be anything we glom on to that...

About this edition

• Publisher: Plume
• Publication date: 2015
• ISBN 10: 0147517966
• ISBN 13: 9780147517968
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 304