Turning the Tables: A Novel - Hardcover

Rudner, Rita

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0307339122 ISBN 13: 9780307339126

Publisher: Crown, 2006

Synopsis

What Happens in Vegas . . .

Rita Rudner’s offbeat and on-target humor has won her rave reviews, passionate fans, and a record-setting, headlining show on the Vegas strip. Now she unleashes her hilarious take on Sin City in this comic romp filled with gambling, strippers, double-crossing exes, swingers’ conventions, magicians, and everything else that’s supposed to stay in Vegas.

Our heroine is Allie Bowen, a small-town girl who took a gamble on the big city that’s finally beginning to pay off. At twenty-six, she has a plum job at Heaven, a wonderland of vice that is Las Vegas’s hottest casino and the most profitable hotel in the world. Enshrouded in man-made clouds, Heaven is the kind of place where the security guards hide their glocks beneath white robes and wings.

As vice president of public relations, Allie glides easily from bribing nosy news teams with Cher tickets to comping disgruntled guests with visits to all-you-can-eat buffets. To top it all off, Allie is dating the handsome and ambitious Christian Sacco, a successful casino executive with his eye on the president’s office. Christian may not be perfect, but he’s much more of a go-getter than Allie’s ex-husband, an out-of-work, nice guy/terrible magician named Barry Houdini.

Little does Allie know that Christian has a ruthless streak, and he has concocted a plot to rip off the casino. When the couple breaks up over a tiny argument (Christian thinks a threesome with his ex-girlfriend would be great; Allie disagrees), she unknowingly becomes the perfect fall girl for Christian’s scheme. Allie is about to learn that working at Heaven can really be hell.

Only in Vegas, baby.

About this title

About the Author

Rita Rudner is a celebrated and award-winning comedian, actress, and writer. She is the bestselling author of Naked Beneath My Clothes. She currently performs exclusively in Las Vegas. Visit her at RitaFunny.com.

Reviews

The good guys are good, the bad guys are bad and the Thai prostitutes might be men in comedienne Rudner's Vegas-based mystery romance. Allie Bowen is newly divorced and settling into her job as vice-president of marketing and public relations for Heaven, the Strip's newest and biggest casino that "is deliberately hidden... behind an obscuring cumulous mountain of man-made fog," when her life implodes. First, she gets dumped by her power-hungry boyfriend, Christian, "the third most important executive within the casino hierarchy," then he frames her for making fake casino chips. She's blackballed from casino work, and her ex-husband, Barry, also implicated, lands in jail. While Barry does his time, Allie launches First Impressions, an escort service specializing in celebrity "look-alike call girls," and travels in seedy circles in her quest to clear both their names. Rudner's satirical sense shines as she follows casino executives on a trip to Thailand to scout for the newest restaurant idea—drinking cobra blood—and tours Heaven's new Hello Goodbye project, where customers can have their birthing and dying needs met (one funeral package includes placing customers' ashes into golf balls with their picture emblazoned on them). An over-the-top sendup of an over-the-top city. (Sept.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Stand-up comic Rudner's second novel offers a lighthearted romp through the sleaze that is Las Vegas. Allie Bowen is just a small-town girl, but she seems to have settled in just fine as the marketing director of Heaven, the largest and most outlandish casino ever erected on the Vegas strip (complete with pearly gates and manmade clouds). Her ex-husband is a struggling magician, but her current boyfriend, Christian Sacco, is an on-the-rise casino exec; if she plays her cards right (pun intended), the two might just become the royal couple of Sin City. Allie's gold-plated world begins to tarnish, however, when she's framed for passing phony chips. Could Christian be behind her demise? Allie is hell-bent on finding out, and she enlists the help of some unlikely partners to do so. Like her stand-up work, Rudner's prose is crisp and clever, though the lack of truly sympathetic characters may disturb some readers. Still, recommend this one to readers who like Olivia Goldsmith or Susan Isaacs. Mary Frances Wilkens
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Six months earlier, before being accused of forgery by an officer of one of America's biggest companies, Allie Bowen lay blissfully in the arms of Christian Sacco, the man she had been with since her separation from her husband . . . and, truth be told, a little before that as well. The shrill ring of the phone woke them both.

"Stay asleep," Allie whispered. "It's probably for me."

Even though Christian Sacco was the third most important executive within the casino hierarchy, it was Allie's job as Heaven's vice president of marketing and public relations that was more likely to generate a middle-of-the-night phone call.

"Allie Bowen," she said sleepily.

"It's Falanucci. We've got a Code Yellow. NBC news is already here."

"I'll be there in ten minutes," she said, reaching for her pants.

"What is it? What's happened?" asked Christian, as Allie dressed hurriedly.

"There's been a Code Yellow."

"A Code Yellow? A jumper?"

"Uh-huh."

"It wasn't that bastard pianist in the cocktail lounge, was it?" asked Christian hopefully.

"I don't think so," said Allie, who smiled as she buttoned her blouse.

"Shame."

Allie bent down and gave Christian a soft kiss.

"See you at work, darling," she said.

Teasingly, from the Las Vegas Strip, a passerby can only vaguely discern the giant, blurry outline of Heaven's facade. The city's most impressive monument is deliberately hidden twenty-four hours a day behind an obscuring cumulous mountain of man-made fog.

The only way to see more clearly is to approach more closely. Every day tens of thousands make the decision to do just that by stepping onto the walkway that moves in only one direction. As the people-mover pierces the fog, first-time visitors invariably let out an audible gasp. Heads turn upward and mouths gape open in wonder. Visiting eyes follow the intricate, ornate carving of the front facade, full of trumpeting angels and Dale Chihuly-designed stained-glass windows, as it soars skyward.

Sammy Kirvin, Heaven's octogenarian primary stockholder, came up with the paradise theme himself. Ancient Rome, New York, England, Paris, and Egypt were already well represented on Las Vegas Boulevard. Sammy cursed the fact that all the good countries were gone. Holland had tulips and cumbersome shoes, but that was not enough on which to hang a multibillion-dollar hotel. Afghanistan had caves, which was tempting, but of questionable taste given the current state of geopolitics. Russia had been seriously considered. Sammy liked that one; if something went wrong, such as room service failing to show up, it could just be passed off as part of the theme. However, the more conservative members of his board had vetoed that suggestion.

Brainstorming session followed brainstorming session, until the night Sammy Kirvin experienced a thematic epiphany. In flowerier interviews, he liked to suggest that maybe God himself had chosen to imbue him with the idea. After all, God had always liked the desert. He'd set the Bible there.

Built over four years at a cost of three billion dollars, Heaven is quite simply and without reservation the most spectacular architectural achievement of the early twenty-first century. Stepping off the moving walkway, gawking visitors continue forward through St. Peter's Gates and into the interior where a team of St. Peters--actually, trained security guards with concealed Glocks beneath their wings--welcome each gambler with a flutter and a frisk.

Beyond the guards, the atrium ascends to a roof whose trompe l'oeil effect of absolute perspective makes it appear as though one is still outside and staring up into the cosmos. Wrapped around the circumference of the casino floor are 9,750 rooms, making Heaven the largest hotel in the world. It is also the most profitable.

Leaving her car in Heaven's executive parking lot, Allie bounded up the escalator directly into the lobby. The first thing she saw was the camera crew from the local NBC affiliate. Rikki Green, the ambitious reporter who caught the story, had cornered a blood-spattered hotel guest.

"What exactly did you see, Mr. Beechnut?" Rikki was purring, pointing her microphone toward Mr. Beechnut's unfortunately decorated face.

"I turned around just as the fat man exploded on the carpet."

"How did you feel?" Rikki pressed. "What were you thinking? Did you panic?"

"Panic? No, I didn't have time to panic. I just opened my mouth to scream and--"

Rikki interrupted, excitedly. "Did you swallow anything?"

"Oh my God, I don't know. I was covered in . . . whatever this is," he moaned, picking gelatinous bits from his jacket. "What if I swallowed something? What if my boy swallowed something?"

Rikki lowered her microphone down to little Augie Beechnut's mouth. "How old are you, dear?"

"Eight," the little boy replied.

"Can you tell me what you saw?"

"I saw his insides explode and everything," Augie enthused. "It completely rocked."

Allie was too far away to hear what was being said, but the triumphant look on Rikki Green's face was enough. At a dead run, Allie lunged at the microphone, pushing it to one side and positioning herself between the camera and the Beechnuts.

"Hello," she panted at the Beechnuts. "On behalf of everyone here at Heaven, I would like to extend our most sincere apologies. We're so sorry you had to witness this tragedy. If you'll just give me one minute, I'll help you get settled."

Though they looked rather stunned at the breathless intrusion, Mom, Dad, and Augie agreeably shuffled to one side. Allie turned to Rikki Green.

"Rikki," she said sweetly, "don't make a bad situation even worse. Think of that poor family and the family of the deceased."

"No can do, Allie. This is a big story," Rikki said. "Great visuals."

Allie swallowed hard. "Great visuals." This was not good.

"Please, Rikki," Allie cajoled. "I'll owe you big time. Christian has Cher coming into the arena at the end of the month. I'll get you front-row seats."

Rikki crooked an eyebrow. She knew the owner of her station was close friends with many members of Heaven's board of directors. One call to her employer and the story would in all probability be scotched anyway. At least this way she would get an up-close look at what was really going on with Cher's face.

"Fine," she said. "You owe me, Allie."

Allie hurried over to Jimmy Falanucci, the casino's director of security, who was busy coordinating the cleaning crew's operation.

"Where the hell are Richard and Frank?" she asked, referring to the president and vice president of Heaven respectively.

"On a plane coming back from some seminar bullshit in New York. Someone's trying to get hold of 'em."

"What do we know about the jumper?" Allie asked, eyeing the gruesome leftovers.

"Mr. Average from Ohio. We're helping the cops piece together his evening from the tapes. Started out betting ten bucks a hand and ended up a hundred thousand in the hole. Somehow got up to the top floor. Jumped. Burst."

"What about the family that got splattered?"

"The Beechnuts. From Illinois. Flew in tonight."

"OK, thanks, Jimmy," she said. Taking a deep breath, Allie made her way over to the Beechnuts.

"On behalf of everyone here at the casino," she said, using her most placating tone, "let me formally apologize for this unfortunate incident."

"Who are you?" asked a confused Mrs. Beechnut.

Allie proffered her card to each Beechnut. "Allie Bowen. I work here at Heaven. Let me begin by promising you that your entire visit to Heaven will be comped. I've had you upgraded to one of our luxury suites. If there's anything you need while you're here--absolutely anything--you just call me."

Placated by the promise of free shows and free food, the Beechnuts headed up to their room to shower off the remains of Mr. Average from Ohio. Some hours later Allie received a summons to Richard Summerford's office.

"You handled this incident very well, Allie," Summerford announced with a smile. "The Beechnuts have already signed a legal waiver exonerating us from any blame."

Allie blinked. Legal waiver? "Ummm," she said. "Great."

"I'm grateful, and I'll make sure the board knows what a good job you did. About time we had a few more women in upper management."

More women? thought Allie. How about just one?

"Thank you, Mr. Summerford," she said, then stood, smiled, and left, anxious to tell Christian about her success.

Magician Barry Houdini glanced at the watch his ex-wife had bought him for his thirtieth birthday from one of the jewelry stores in the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace. It said 1:45, but the watch had been running slow ever since he accidentally dropped it into a bowl of goldfish during a trick. Barry knew he should get it fixed, but it was easier to add a few extra minutes mentally, and Barry was an easygoing kind of guy. That was why his wife had fallen in love with him. It was also why she had left him.

Glancing again at ...

Edition details

• Publisher: Crown
• Publication date: 2006
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0307339122
• ISBN 13: 9780307339126
• Binding: Hardcover
• Number of pages: 224