Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager: 7 Steps to Reestablish Authority and Reclaim Love - Softcover

Sells, Scott P.

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0312303017 ISBN 13: 9780312303013

Publisher: Griffin, 2002

Synopsis

Every teenager rebels against authority at some point--talks back, breaks curfew, or disobeys. But literally millions of teens take their rebellion to a point where it disrupts their families and endangers their own futures or even their lives. If one of these teens is yours, you've probably lived through years of conflicting advice and pat solutions that don't last. Finally, this breakthrough guide from a master therapist will show you the seven steps to positive, permanent change for you and your teenager:

1. Learn the real reasons for teen misbehavior.
2. Make an ironclad contract to stop that behavior.
3. Troubleshoot future problems.
4. End button-pushing.
5. Stop the "seven aces" -- from disrespect to threats of violence.
6. Mobilize outside help.
7. Reclaim lost love within the family.

Clear, compassionate, and packed with real-life solutions to real-life problems, Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager gives parents the tools they need to turn their families' lives around for good.

About this title

About the Author

Scott P. Sells, Ph.D. is an Associate Professor of Social Work at Savannah State University and the executive director of the Savannah Family Institute in Georgia. Over the past fourteen years, Dr. Sells has personally treated more than three hundred difficult children and has served as a consultant for the Department of Juvenile Justice. In addition, he has spent the past three years conducting seminars in which he has spoken to over four thousand professional counselors and parents about the material found in his book Treating the Tough Adolescent: A Family-Based, Step-by-Step Guide. Dr. Sells has recently launched a three-week parenting education program, "Parenting the Out-of-Control Teenager," for parents and their teenagers, and he is currently in the process of developing parent support groups and counselor certification training throughout the country.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager
Step 1UNDERSTANDING WHY YOUR TEEN IS OUT OF CONTROLParents ask me all the time: "Why does my teenager act this way?" It's an important question: Like an auto mechanic who needs to first figure out why your car makes those funny noises, you also need to first understand why your teenager misbehaves before you can solve the problem.The confusing part is that there are so many experts with so many different theories. You have probably already read other parenting books and tried the suggestions of other experts; they may have sounded good at the time but haven't helped in the long run. You may be so burnt out that you are asking yourself, "Why should I believe that Dr. Sells's book will be any more useful than all those other 'experts'?" Good question.Please read my top seven reasons for why your teen misbehaves, and then ask yourself one question: Do these reasons make sense and speak to my heart? If they do, please keep reading and try my suggestions. If not, I hope you will read on anyway with an open mind andconsult other parenting books as well. If what you are doing right now is not working, what do you have to lose by trying something different?TOP 7 REASONS FOR TEEN MISBEHAVIORReason #1: Unclear RulesOne of the biggest reasons your teen may be out of control is that you don't have a clear, written contract with him or her. Your rules and consequences are verbal, open to interpretation, or made up as you go along. For example, you may declare a rule of "no disrespect" but fail to specify what your teen does or says that is considered disrespectful. Your teen, who is not only literal-minded but very concrete, now has the perfect loophole and can argue, "You never said that swearing was disrespectful." (I call this "literal disease.") As Nick's story illustrates, your teen can quickly turn into a shark who smells blood in the water."But you never said mumbling to myself was disrespectful."Fifteen-year-old Nick understood all too well the power of literal disease. One day Nick's mother told him that the new rule was "no disrespect. Nick liked the fact that his mom never wrote anything down on paper. Sometimes she forgot about the rule or asked:"Nick, now what did we agree to? All of this meant one thing: so many loopholes that he could drive a Mack truck through them.Nick's theory was put to the test the next day. Nick started to roll his eyes and talk under his breath after his mom asked him to take out the trash while he was watching TV. Here is the conversation that followed: 
MOTHER: Nick. that was disrespectful. Now turn off the TV and go to your room! (Mom identifies "rolling of the eyes" and "talking under his breath" as disrespectful behavior.) 
NICK: Mom, you never said that mumbling to myself was disrespectful. I'm not going to my room. (Nick suddenly comes down with a case of literal disease and points out the loopholes like an expert lawyer.) 
MOTHER: (Mom starts to get angry and lose control.) You knew what I meant! Don't play dumb with me. Now get your butt up those stairs and into your room. (Mom now is busy spending her valuable time and energy trying to explain and justify her actions. This could have been avoided if the rule was clearly defined ahead of time.) 
NICK: I'm not going to my room. You never told me that was being disrespectful. I'll take out the garbage but I'm going back to watch my TV show. (Nick senses that he has his mother on the ropes. Her buttons are pushed, she is losing control of her emotions, and she is wavering in her stance.) 
MOTHER (Exhausted and defeated): Well. as long as you take out the garbage. I guess I will let it go this time. But from now on. if you roll your eyes or mumble under your breath, you are grounded. (Mom just wants the argument to end. Besides. Nick is taking the garbage out.) 
NICK: Sure, Mom. whatever ... . (Nick has won and feels more powerful than ever. The next time he is asked to do something, he will launch into the same tirade. It worked once so it will work again. Besides, unclear rules are always optional anyway, right?)Step 2 will show you how to make sure your rules are crystal clear, with no loopholes.Reason #2: Not Keeping Up with Your Teen's ThinkingOut-of-control teens can defeat you and make you back down through a special gift called enhanced social perception. Just like Tonya in the next example, your teen can run through as many different scenarios in their mind as necessary to find a loophole in your rule or consequence."I'm Two Steps Ahead"When fifteen-year-old Tonya received her punishment of "no phone use" for swearing at her mom. she went to her room to find a loophole. After diagramming out several different plans on a sheet of paper, she finally decided on the best one. Tonya told her friends that she would call them at 1:00 A.M. when everyone in the house would be sleeping. She instructed her friends on how to use a pillow to muffle the sound when the phone rang. Her plan worked beautifully. Tonya had no reason to stop swearing. Thinking two steps ahead of her mom, Tonya had found a loophole in the no-phone-use consequence.In Step 3 on troubleshooting, beginning on page 67, you will find an expanded discussion on this topic. You will learn to create a backup plan for every what-if situation you may encounter with your teenager. For examples. "What will you do if you sell your teen's CD collection at a pawn shop as a punishment and your son countermoves by trying to sell your stuff?" If you don't ask and answer such questions ahead of time, your teen will be more than happy to do this job for you later.Reason #3: Button-PushingAnother major factor in teen misbehavior is "button-pushing." If your teen doesn't want to do something you ask, he or she often will start pushing your "hot buttons" to make you angry or frustrated. For some of you, these hot buttons are swearing or rolling the eyes. For others, it is statements like "I hate you," "You're not my real father," or "I don't have to listen to you." Your teenager has an uncanny ability to know exactly what your buttons are and how to push them.Teens know that if they succeed in pushing your buttons, your judgment will be clouded. And there is a better than average chance that you will back down or fail to follow through on a consistent basis. This is often why your consequences don't work. The consequence itself isn't the problem: It's the way you're unable to deliver that consequence calmly and firmly because your teen pushes yourbuttons, or you push your teen's buttons through lectures, criticisms, or attacks on his or her character."I was suddenly no older than my son."At the beginning of the argument, I was forty-five years old, but after only five minutes of constant bickering, I felt that I was thirty years old. As we continued to argue, my age continued to drop. Before long, I felt like I was suddenly my son's age [sixteen years old] and that we were two kids in the sandbox scrapping for power and control.--A frustrated parentWhen you are the same age as your teen in button-pushing years, it is difficult to play the role of parent. No matter how good your consequences look on paper, you won't be able to enforce them successfully. Step 4 on Button Pushing, beginning on page 85, will detail exactly how button-pushing works with you and your teen--and what to do about it.Reason #4: Teenager Drunk with PowerWhen your teenager is able to control the mood of your household and your life through extreme behavior, he or she takes on the power of an adult without being developmentally ready. At ages twelve through eighteen, your teen's time and energy should go toward being a kid, going to school, playing sports, dating, getting a job, and preparing to leave home. Instead, your out-of-control teen uses thatsame energy to figure out how to stay in control of your household and get one over on you or other adults.The real tragedy in all this is that these kids don't have a childhood. What's ironic is that part of each teenager does not want all this power. Subconsciously, every teen wants structure and discipline.The danger is that a teen who stays drunk with power for too long gets addicted to the feelings. Such teens can't rationally see how much better their lives would be if they were no longer in charge. This is why your lectures and negotiations don't work. Sometimes you have to take the power away forcibly before your teen can recognize that life can be happier without it. Your child will test you every step of the way: You will have passed the test when your teen stops having behavior problems for longer periods of time and looks more at peace.In Step 5, Stopping Your Teenager's Seven Aces, beginning on page 115, you will be given a menu of nontraditional and creative consequences to stop a teen who is drunk with power. These consequences should be attempted only after you have laid down a solid foundation for success through Steps 1 to 4.Reason #5: The Pleasure PrincipleWhy do so many of us eat junk food, smoke, or never exercise, even though we know that doing so may eventually lead to obesity, lung cancer, or a heart attack? Because of what's called the "pleasure principle," living for the moment or for what gives us immediate gratification rather than thinking about our future.This is the same way your out-of-control teenager thinks nearly all of the time. He or she cannot see past tomorrow, let alone next week. Advances in technology often make the problem even worse. Today's teens have instant everything--instant food, instant messages, instant calls on their cell phones. Remember when we actually had to get up out of our chairs to change the television channel or wait for the mail? All of these small things exercised our "patience muscles." Many teens have come to expect instant gratification.This is why guilt trips, logical reasoning, and traditional punishments often fail. Your punishments or lectures are not strong enough to compete with the immediate pleasures that come with bad behavior. For example, the pleasure of staying out all night outweighs the punishment of a grounding they may receive the next day. The pleasure of smoking pot outweighs the lecture that you will give them if caught. In Step 2, Writing an Ironclad Contract, beginning on page 29, you will be given the top ten consequences you need to conquer the pleasure principle."I Do What I Want When I Want"Fifteen-year-old Darren skipped school more days than he attended. His father constantly lectured him about how he was throwing his life away and would end up flipping burgers at McDonald's for the rest of his life. These lectures went in one ear and out the other. Darren could care less about his future. He lived for the moment.When Darren's father tried to ground him for ditching school, the boy simply walked out of the house. When his father took the phone away, Darren would borrow a friend's cell phone or leave the house without permission to use a pay phone. When Darren's father asked him why he was doing these things, Darren said: "I may die tomorrow, right? Why should I go to school? I get to see my friends and do what I want when I want. I don't want to wait a whole weekend to get off grounding or wait until school is over to see my friends. Who cares what happens next week? I'll deal with that when it happens."Reason #6: Peer PowerToday's peer groups have a tremendous hold on your teen's heart, mind, and soul. If it is a positive peer group with good morals and values, your teen can thrive. But if the group has poor values and exhibits negative behavior, your teen is likely to get more and more out of control.Developmentally, the teen years are difficult for almost everyone. When teens' hormones kick in around the ages of eleven to thirteen, they get caught between childhood and adulthood. Part of your teen wants to be a child and find safety in your arms, while the other part wants to explore and experiment with being grown-up and having adult freedoms. This can be a very confusing and lonely time--a time that brings about an increased sensitivity to being accepted. Naturally, teens turn to their friends--those who look, think, and act the way they do--rather than to their parents for acceptance.This acceptance may come at a high price, however. To avoid getting "kicked out of the club," everyone must follow the club's rules, both spoken and unspoken. These rules might include shoplifting, piercing body parts, drinking, doing drugs, or dressing "goth"; often teens follow such rules rather than risk rejection. In Step 6, How to Mobilize Outside Helpers, beginning on page 252, you will be shown how to recruit your teen's friends to help your teen or stop them if they continue to be a destructive influence. In Step 7, Reclaiming Love, beginning on page 285, you will understand the direct connection between the softness between you and your teen and the amount of influence peers have on their heart."But He Tells Me That He Loves Me"Sixteen-year-old Alana did not get along with her parents. There was little, if any, warmth and nurturance. Alana met a twenty-one-year-old guy named Randy who gave her something her parents hadn't given her for a long time--hugs. He also listened to her and took her out. After about two weeks, Alana thought she was in love. Randy was so important to her that Alana managed to overlook it when he became possessive and made hergive up all her friends. She even made excuses for Randy when he started pulling her hair and punching her in the stomach if he had a tough day at work. It was OK. she told herself: "Randy still tells me that he loves me."These excuses continued until Alana got pregnant. Randy abandoned her, and Alana's parents forced her to move out of the house. Alana is now with another guy just like Randy, and it's all too easy to imagine the kind of life her child will have.Reason #7: Misuse of Outside ForcesThe misuse of outside forces is a final reason for your teen's misbehavior. In today's world, more and more of us are handing over our teenagers to outsiders like counselors, psychiatrists, hospitals, boot camps, or medication to "fix" them. What may initially look like the answer, however, can quickly become a double-edged sword. Even though your teen may change miraculously in a boot camp, detention center, group home, or counselor's office, often the same problems start up again soon after he or she returns home, comes off probation, or stops seeing the counselor. The reason is simple. Outside experts did all the work to turn your teen around, not you. Therefore, as Patricia's story illustrates, there is no reason for the teen to respect or obey you back home."The Honeymoon Is Over"Fourteen-year-old Patricia ran away all the time. Her mother was unable to stop her. Out of desperation, Patricia's mother sent her to a six-month residential program. After the first few days, Patricia was calling and begging to come home. The mother held firm and did not remove her.When Patricia finally returned home afte...

Edition details

• Publisher: Griffin
• Publication date: 2002
• ISBN 10: 0312303017
• ISBN 13: 9780312303013
• Binding: Paperback
• Language: English
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 368