He's Scared, She's Scared - Hardcover

Carter, Steven

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0385305125 ISBN 13: 9780385305129

Publisher: Delacorte Press, 1993

Synopsis

Available for the first time in paperback, this  follow-up to the phenomenally successful  Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of  commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly  satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors  Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men  and women are torn between the desire for intimacy  and the equally intense need for independence.  Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life  scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind  of wisdom gained by personal experience,  He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance  for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy  with our romantic partners.


From the Trade Paperback edition.

About this title

From the Inside Flap

r the first time in paperback, this  follow-up to the phenomenally successful  <i>Men Who Can't Love</i> tackles the issue of  commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly  satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors  Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men  and women are torn between the desire for intimacy  and the equally intense need for independence.  Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life  scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind  of wisdom gained by personal experience,  <i>He's Scared, She's Scared</i> offes guidance  for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy  with our romantic partners.<br><br><br><i>From the Trade Paperback edition.</i>

Reviews

Carter and Sokol ( Men Who Can't Love ) argue that fear of commitment affects women as well as men, and that both sexes crave the often conflicting conditions of intimacy and freedom. According to the authors, men tend to be more prone to "active" avoidance after winning over a lover. "Passive" avoidance, on the other hand, involves choosing someone who is unavailable--a woman falls for a gay man; a man becomes smitten with his married woman boss; or either sex subconsciously chooses as a love object a person who is an active avoider. Using case histories, the authors examine the reasons people avoid commitment and through quizzes encourage readers to determine their "commitmentphobic" patterns--narcissistic, claustrophobic, universal, or circumstantial--and explore feelings and fears. The authors give straightforward advice on how to detect commitmentphobia in others and how to move towards true intimacy. The authors' achievement is that they have gone beyond the obvious avoidance patterns to uncover the more subtle ways men and women sabotage love. First serial to New Woman; author tour.
Copyright 1993 Reed Business Information, Inc.

A heavy dose of pop advice and sympathetic handholding for those whose anxieties about commitment are messing up their love lives. Carter and Sokol (What Really Happens in Bed, 1989, etc.) explore why some men and women have trouble making a commitment, defined here as a ``promise to participate in a well-intentioned, monogamous, open-minded, responsible, and realistic relationship.'' The topic isn't a new one for the authors, who examined ``commitmentphobia'' in Men Who Can't Love (1987). But times have changed, they say, and now women, too, have their doubts and fears--hence this new look at the problem. Carter and Sokol first consider the two basic types of commitment conflict- -``active'' and ``passive,'' with men predominating in the active role. They demonstrate how these conflicts play out in relationships, with plenty of examples garnered from eight years' worth of interviews with people about their relationships. The authors then ask readers to take various quizzes to discover significant patterns of behavior in their relationships with the opposite sex and to determine what their commitment fears are; here, again, anecdotes about troubled couples provide ample illustrations. Finally, Carter and Sokol offer a guide for managing conflicts and changing relationships. Although they state that they're writers, not therapists, their advice derives from Carter's experience in leading support groups for those with commitment anxieties. Of some initial appeal to those who enjoy taking relationship quizzes--but unlikely to hold the interest of any but the truly--well, committed. (First serial to New Woman) -- Copyright ©1993, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

Ah, commitmentphobia again becomes the topic of conversation as relationship authors (What Smart Women Know, 1990) Carter and Sokol delve into the characteristics that make men and women say, "I'm scared, so go away." This time, they include both genders in their psychological archaeology; women, too, as explained in the introduction, can avoid coupling. Perhaps their most valuable contribution to the burgeoning self-help shelf is the probing of fears and fantasies, four real reasons why commitments won't happen: narcissistic (the perfectionist); claustrophobic (independent forever); universal (the dreamer); circumstantial (no more problems). All of this analysis is buttressed by instantly recognizable case histories; yet, not enough text--only the last chapter and an appendix--is devoted to corrections for the problem. Barbara Jacobs

From the authors of What Every Man Should Know About the "New Woman" ( LJ 6/1/84) comes this guide for those who are afraid of committed relationships. The authors are not therapists; their advice is based on insight gleaned from interviews rather than clinical experience or psychological research. Carter and Sokol spent eight years interviewing men and women about their relationships to find anxieties, issues, and behavioral patterns common to people who can't commit. Written in a nonjudgmental, nontechnical style, their book is divided into three sections: identifying fears that undermine commitment, facing them, and managing them. Examples and diagnostic and directive lists make this book easy to read. There is something here for every personality type, and even the committed will recognize some of their anxieties. For public libraries where self-help books are popular. Previewed in Prepub Alert, LJ 6/15/93.
- Carol R. Nelson, Ball State Univ. Lib., Muncie, Ind.
Copyright 1993 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Edition details

• Publisher: Delacorte Press
• Publication date: 1993
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0385305125
• ISBN 13: 9780385305129
• Binding: Hardcover
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 331