From Soup to Nuts : How to Badda Boom, Badda Bing and Find Your Inner Mobster - Hardcover

Macks, Jon

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0684869845 ISBN 13: 9780684869841

Publisher: Simon & Schuster, 1999

Synopsis

In an age when the most bizarre alternative lifestyles age are routinely accepted throughout American society, there is one group that is still shunned by the masses, forced to practice its way of life in hiding. Until now. For a visionary has broken the chains that have held his kinsmen down, a messiah has arisen to rescue his people and their rich dietary tradition. His name is Omnivorous. With From Soup to Nuts: The Cannibal Lover's Cookbook, Omnivorous does much more than provide his fans with some of the world's best-loved cannibal recipes; in his own words, the master provides "a joyous look at the entire cannibal lifestyle," the definitive guide to better eating the cannibal way. Here's what awaits inside: * Dozens of recipes for those who believe you truly are what you eat * An informative history of cannibalism through the ages, focusing on the great moments in cannibal history, from the Alferd Packer expedition to the Uruguay Rugby Team plane crash of 1972 and the invention of gourmet airline food * Helpful strategies for choosing the right cut of meat * Rules of thumb...and rules for other tasty body parts, too * Easy-to-follow, sumptuous recipes that will impress your friends and fellow cannibals * A bonus section for cannibals with special needs: animal-rights activists, kosher cannibals, and those on low-calorie diets * Cooking suggestions for the busy cannibal "soccer mom" * And answers to the most commonly asked cannibal questions, plus a list of the great cannibal movies, such as The Eyes of Laura Mars, My Left Foot, and The Man with the Golden Arm. With the world population at an all-time high, there has never been a better time to be a cannibal. And whether you're a longtime man-muncher or a novice with just a few close friends under your belt, Omnivorous is here to show you the key to a very happy and full life -- the cannibal life.

About this title

About the Author

Jon Macks is a writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He has also written for the Academy Awards with Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg, the Emmy Awards, the American Comedy Awards, and Comic Relief. His first book, Heaven Talks Back, a parody of the latest spiritualism books, is considered as influential as Vatican II by a few of Jon's friends and a vast majority of Satan worshipers.

Jon was inspired to write a book about the cannibal lifestyle by the realization that after he had insulted God and all organized religions in his first book, there was little left for him to offend. More important, Jon sincerely believes that cannibalism is a lot less damaging to children than seeing nude photos of Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the Internet.

When not riding horses and fishing in Wyoming, Jon, his wife, and their three children live in Los Angeles.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

A BRIEF HISTORY OF CANNIBALISM

Cannibalism, n.: the practice of those who eat their own kind.

Current slang for cannibalism: man munching; slurping the sapiens; doing the body-cavity search and snack; the full Dahmer; Tysonizing; the stalk, stab, and slurp; eating out; Donner dining.

Anthropologists believe that the first recorded act of cannibalism occurred in the South of France in approximately 9500 B.C. I have often thought that B.C. should stand for "before cannibalism," but at present, my suggestions to the calendar people have gone unanswered. A series of stick figure drawings in the Lascaux caves pictures a family of five, emaciated, staring at empty food bowls and afraid to leave their cave to hunt because of a sabertooth tiger lurking outside. The next series of drawings pictures a happy family of four, with full bellies, and in the corner, near the illustrator's symbol, are the bones of the smallest member of the cave family.

Since that moment some 11,500 years ago, which not only is the first recorded act of cannibalism but also marks the dawn of gourmet French dining, there have been many great cannibal moments. At the risk of showing off my vast knowledge of history, before setting the table, let us take a moment to study those who have come before us.

THE FIVE GREATEST MOMENTS IN CANNIBAL HISTORY

(as voted by a panel of cannibal chefs, historians, and fans)

1 THE URUGUAY RUGBY TEAM PLANE CRASH OF 1972

This not only became the inspiration for two movies, it introduced the concept of gourmet airline food.

2 THE DONNER PARTY, FEBRUARY 1847

America's first recorded acts of cannibalism. The Donner Party, stranded in the Sierra Nevadas, stayed alive by eating the flesh of the deceased. Despite claims by Clarence Birdseye, many consider this to also mark the invention of frozen food.

3 ALFERD PACKER

Just as Edison's lightbulb was the result of a mistake in the lab, just as the invention of the Post-it Note was the result of a chemist's failure to invent a supersticky glue, the discovery of Rocky Mountain oysters came about because of a colossal miscalculation by Alferd Packer. Rather than wait until July for a trek through the Rockies, Alferd accidentally or hungrily left Salt Lake City with five gold prospectors in February of 1874. Two months later, Alferd Packer arrived alone in Gunnison, Colorado, packing his five friends' cash, clothes, and thirty extra pounds.

A little-known fact: Alferd had tremors in his hands; thus, he is credited with being the inventor of Shake 'n Bake.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I find it fascinating that so many of the great moments in cannibal history involve snow. The Andes Mountains, the Sierras, the Rockies, the siege of Leningrad. I guess cold weather brings out the appetite in -- and for -- people.

4 RICHARD PARKER, JULY 25, 1884

If it were not for Richard Parker, cruise passengers would not have the twenty-four-hour gourmet dining they enjoy on the Princess, Norwegian, and Royal Caribbean lines. Richard was the English cabin boy from the SS Mignonette who became a five-course meal for three hungry cannibals adrift in a lifeboat for nineteen days in the South Atlantic.

Apparently, they had no qualms about eating him because they were English. Those bastards will even eat boiled mutton.

5 JEFFREY DAHMER

If Wolfgang Puck is considered the founder of California nouveau cuisine, then Jeffrey Dahmer deserves credit as the man who revitalized cannibal cooking. One of the many negative aspects of the sixties "Make love not war" anti-Vietnam philosophy was the backlash against killing and eating people. Vegetarianism was in, eating beef was out, and chowing down on human beef was even worse. To illustrate, think of what happened to the music group the Buoys. Do you remember their hit song "Timothy"? It was a great song based on the Richard Parker story, transferred to a coal mine, which described in loving detail the cannibalizing of Timothy. Just a beautiful song. But did the peace freaks in the music industry let the Buoys ever record another song? Have you seen them in concert? Do you even see them on a VHI Where Are They Now? special. I think not. They disappeared from view as if they had been eaten alive.

In short, if it were not for Jeffrey Dahmer and his wacky Wisconsin love life, cannibalism would never have reemerged in the American mainstream. Thank God those midwesterners love their beef.

THE FIVE WORST MOMENTS IN CANNIBAL HISTORY

1 JEFFREY DAHMER

Jeffrey makes this list, too. What kind of cook lets his meat develop freezer burn?

2 MIKE TYSON

I think Mike Tyson is crazy. Not for biting Evander Holyfield's ear. For spitting it out.

3 MARV ALBERT

Did Marv have the perfect chance to make a great meal out of that Virginia woman? Yesss! Did he do anything more than leave evidence on her back? Nooo! What, was he on a diet? To me, that is more embarrassing than the fact that a nice Jewish boy wears a pink dress, high heels and bad toupee.

4 DR. KEVORKIAN

The man has assisted in 130 suicides but all he does is take the bodies to a motel room and call the police. Doesn't he know there are starving people in Kosovo?

5 JOHN WAYNE GACY

The man kills thirty-three people and leaves them under the porch uneaten. What a clown!

A WORD ABOUT ANDREI CHIKATILO

Cannibal fans have been arguing over Andrei since his arrest in 1990. Is Andrei a cannibal or just a serial killer? As Bill James would say about baseball players, first let's look at the record, then look at what his peers said about him. He was responsible for fifty-two killings, and in almost every instance his victims' necks were bitten and sex organs were mutilated and munched on. But did he actually enjoy eating them? Did he take the time to prepare and present his food? Did he ever share his table with cannibal friends? In every case, the answer is no. He killed and ate out of anger, not out of the love of food. Moreover, those who knew him best, the people of the Ukraine, refer to him in every newspaper report as the "Shelter Belt Killer," not the "Shelter Belt Cannibal." In short, the man is no cannibal, he is just fond of giving fatal hickeys.

But this is not a history text, nor is it an anthropology treatise; it is a cookbook and a celebration of a joyous way of life. So rather than explore the cannibal cultures of the past and present with text, let us understand them the way God intended -- through their recipes. But before dismembering and dining, we must prepare.

Copyright © 1999 by Wild Bronco Productions, Inc.

About this edition

• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Publication date: 1999
• ISBN 10: 0684869845
• ISBN 13: 9780684869841
• Binding: Hardcover
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 144