I'm Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship - Softcover

Babits, Marty

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0757318339 ISBN 13: 9780757318337

Publisher: Hci, 2015

Synopsis

Chocolates are fine and flowers rarely disappoint, but for relationships on the rocks, nothing says, 'I love you' like the promise of renewal. In I'm Not a Mind Reader, Babits reveals that too often, even the smartest people have difficulty communicating, and we've learned over the years that love isn't enough to repair the normal wear and tear that occurs in relationships.

So, what can couples do when even love itself fails? Babits lays out a totally unique blueprint for renewal in The I'm Not a Mind Reader, explaining that every message from one partner to another can be considered in terms of three separate dimensions:

1. The surface level―this is the literal meaning of what partners say to one another
2. The emotional subtext of the message―its emotional undertone
3. The third dimension―evaluating the first two and comparing them with the goal of creating emotional safety within the dialogue

Armed with this formula, whatever needs to be better understood, resolved, expanded or modified in the relationship can be addressed and communication brings coherence and connection. The person who practices three-dimensional communication lives in full and vibrant color compared with seeing everything in black and white. This new method is vivid and textured; it promotes the capacity to negotiate differences, to clarify misunderstandings, to heal confusions, and to reinvigorate passion and trust.

About this title

About the Author

Marty Babits is the Co-Director of FACTS (Family and Couples Treatment Service), a division of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, one of the oldest and most respected training and treatment resources in Manhattan, chartered by the NYS Board of Regents. He teaches and supervises at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy and at Hunter School of Social Work and in the Hunter Graduate Program in Mental Health Counseling. As a therapist, he has worked with hundreds of families and couples over the past twenty-five years. His first book, The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couples Guide to Renewing Your Relationship (Prometheus, 2009) was well-reviewed, including a recommendation from Library Journal. He has also published numerous articles in professional journals and writes "Middle Ground," a blog on the Psychology Today website. Babits is in private practice in New York City.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Introduction

The first duty of love is to listen.
―Paul Tillich

Interested in Improving Communication?

If you are interested in improving communication in your relationship, I'm Not a Mind Reader is for you. Many couples cite poor communication as the biggest obstacle to feeling close. Most of them have a hard time envisioning how it can be improved.

They do not understand that communication between partners has an inherent structure.

They confuse the various dimensions of communication.

They argue in such a way that damages trust.

They allow resentment to shut down their dialogue.

They allow blame and self-righteousness to obscure possibilities for resolving issues effectively.

There is an antidote to this constellation of toxic communication problems: three-dimensional communication. I will teach you what it is and how to use it effectively. Like the majority of the couples I see in my office, if you need help fixing your communication process, this book will help you.

Communication Versus Dysfunctional Talk

The word communication is derived from the Latin word communicare, which means 'sharing.' When true to its roots, communication brings people together. Dysfunctional attempts to communicate do not achieve this end. Good communication, three-dimensional communication, creates emotional safety.

You may have questions about what emotional safety is, how it works, how it can be created, and how it is connected to each dimension of communication. Chapter Two, 'Emotional Safety,' answers these and many other questions. For now, the short answer is that good communication rests on maintaining a continuous awareness of opportunities for creating emotional safety.

Three-dimensional communication generates emotional safety. As a mindful practice, it will change the way you think about what communication itself is.

A Positive Mind-Set

A positive mind-set alone cannot guarantee improved understanding between you and your partner. If your mind-set is not positive, failure is guaranteed.

You may be wondering what constitutes a positive mind-set. As represented in the work of psychologist Dr. Carol Dweick and stated briefly, it is a learning mind-set; a mind-set that becomes energized by challenge. The opposite, what Dweick calls a fixed mind-set, retreats from challenge, avoids it.

Despite intelligence and competence at acquiring rote information, people with a fixed mind-set are ill-prepared to go beyond where they have been. Yet the life cycle invariably confronts all of us with new difficulties. Accordingly, we need a learning mind-set; it is not a developmental frill. It is a developmental necessity.

Three-Dimensional Communication

Every message from one partner to another can be considered in terms of three separate dimensions. The first is the surface level. This refers to the literal meaning of what partners say to each other. The second is the emotional subtext of the message, its emotional undertone or undercurrent. The third dimension involves evaluating the first two and comparing that combination with the goal of creating emotional safety within the dialogue.

With all three dimensions active and coordinated, communication provides a sense of direction for the dialogue because this question is addressed: Are you going toward or away from building emotional safety? This method strengthens your ability to appreciate the potential, in whatever situation you are in, for moving toward creating emotional safety.

The First Dimension

In a nutshell, difficulties that occur in the first dimension are simple misunderstandings. Incomplete messages and misheard or misspoken phrases: that is the stuff of first-dimension breakdowns in communication.

Part of what has to happen in an intimate long-term relationship is for partners to get to know themselves and each other better and better over time. Few relationships start out with a solid foundation of effective communication. Most of us have a lot of learning and growing to do before we are even close to being as loving and humane as we can be. The place where this learning can be accomplished? In your relationship.

Carole and Jim had arranged to meet on 96th Street. They frequently met on that large thoroughfare; however, neither had specified the corner they would be waiting on. They often met at the corner closest to the park, 96th and West End Avenue, which is where Jim waited expectantly. Carole recalled instantly when they had made the arrangement that the very last time they'd met on 96th Street, it was at 96th and Amsterdam. As a result, they did not find each other. Each felt self-righteous about having done the right thing, and each was convinced that the other had made a mistake. Although this situation sounds like a caricature of miscommunication, it is based on a real occurrence. It can also be read as a metaphor for how partners often fail to spell out information adequately for each other. And how, despite the incompleteness of their messages to each other, they often expect that their partner should have understood what had never been said. This is a miscommunication in the first dimension. The literal messages were inadequate to foster a secure understanding.

Jim: Can you meet me at 96th Street?

Carole: When?

Jim: Five thirty in the afternoon. Tomorrow.

Carole: Okay. See you then.

Neither intuited that the omitted detail would be important. They both believed they knew what the other meant.

The Second Dimension

As mentioned above, in the second dimension we focus on grasping aspects of the message that lie underneath the words, the subtext. Tone of voice, gesture―verbal, facial, postural (body language)―all of these affect the meaning that is embedded within the words themselves. The emotional subtext or undercurrent of the message makes up the second dimension.

For example, the phrase I'm glad you're here spoken with a loving tone can strengthen a feeling of connection. The same phrase delivered with a sarcastic tone or a roll of the eyes reverses the meaning. This creates distance. The tone of any message, heart of the second dimension, is critical to the meaning of the message conveyed.

Often the first and second dimensions appear to conflict with each other. This becomes the mixed message that we all are probably familiar with as a concept and, regrettably, as an experience. A mixed message is when the tone or implication of a statement contradicts the words. John says, 'I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get the job,' and smirks―a classic mixed message.

Last but Far from Least, the Third Dimension

The third dimension opens the door to possibilities for deepest connection. It gives a couple's communication richness and depth.

In the third dimension you monitor whether the communication process you are participating in brings you and your partner closer together or not. This dimension connects you to your reflective capacity. This third dimension lights up a circuit that includes your capacities to compare and contrast what you are thinking about the dialogue of the moment and your long-range goals and objectives for your relationship. It brings you into greater contact with the fullness of your cognitive, emotional, and decision-making abilities. In this sense the third dimension is your portal to mindfulness.

Not every pair establishes a third dimension in their process. Listen to a snippet of Kelly and Joe's conversation:

Kelly: Please don't purchase the new computer until a week after we've deposited our paychecks and paid the bills.

Joe: Don't you have anything better to do than police my spending habits?

Kelly: We spoke about this and agreed to hold off until we were in a better position, savings-wise, to make discretionary purchases.

 

©2015  Marty Babits. All rights reserved. Reprinted from I'm Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.

 

Edition details

• Publisher: Hci
• Publication date: 2015
• ISBN 10: 0757318339
• ISBN 13: 9780757318337
• Binding: Paperback
• Language: English
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 280