Cracking the Love Code - Hardcover

O'Neal, Janet

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0767901673 ISBN 13: 9780767901673

Publisher: Broadway, 1998

Synopsis

Learn how to crack the love code and enjoy an honest, open, and fulfilling relationship with the right partner.

Following outdated "rules" or listening to relationship gurus who encourage flirting, tantalizing, and deceiving a partner won't help you find and keep real love.  So who can you turn to for the answers? Janet O'Neal-"The Love Coach"--has helped thousands of people find that special someone, and in Cracking the Love Code, she provides a step-by-step plan for creating a mutually satisfying, committed relationship.  Her realistic, up-to-date approach, comprising straightforward advice and eye-opening information, will benefit everyone, whether you want to walk down the aisle or simply stroll on a moonlit beach.

O'Neal knows there are no shortcuts on the road to a successful relationship.  To get there can be fun and exhilarating, as well as difficult and confusing.  To help you on the journey, she offers the "Six Cs," six principles that should be the foundation of a trusting, healthy relationship.  And because love is not a one-way street, O'Neal discusses not only how to find the best partner but how to be a good partner, beginning with:

CONCEIVING: What do you want from a partner? What do you have to offer? Setting short- and long-term goals for a relationship, whether or not you're already involved.
CONTENTMENT: The top seven needs of men and women; how to have yours satisfied; how to meet your partner's.
CONNECTING: Turn-ons and turn-offs on dates; spotting "critical flaws" in potential partners; practicing connection skills.
CHEMISTRY: The ten biggest sexual turn-ons and turn-offs for women and men; questions to address before physical intimacy; how to achieve and maintain a satisfying sex life.
CONVICTION: Knowing when and if a person is right for you and what to do if you're not sure.  Plus: Take the compatibility test and see how you score!
COMMITMENT: Resolving commitment fears; are you prepared to commit? Take the questionnaire and find out.

Complete with numerous exercises and quizzes to help you make the right choices at every stage, Cracking the Love Code will enlighten anyone ready for real love--it's a hopeful yet practical guide to creating the relationship of your dreams.

About this title

About the Author

Janet O'Neal founded Friend Connection, the most successful independent video dating service in the country.  For over ten years, she has worked one on one with thousands of clients.  A frequent guest on television and radio shows, O'Neal lives in Houston, Texas.

From the Inside Flap

crack the love code and enjoy an honest, open, and fulfilling relationship with the right partner.

Following outdated "rules" or listening to relationship gurus who encourage flirting, tantalizing, and deceiving a partner won't help you find and keep real love. So who can you turn to for the answers? Janet O'Neal-"The Love Coach"--has helped thousands of people find that special someone, and in Cracking the Love Code, she provides a step-by-step plan for creating a mutually satisfying, committed relationship. Her realistic, up-to-date approach, comprising straightforward advice and eye-opening information, will benefit everyone, whether you want to walk down the aisle or simply stroll on a moonlit beach.

O'Neal knows there are no shortcuts on the road to a successful relationship. To get there can be fun and exhilarating, as well as difficult and confusing. To help you on the journey, she offers the

Reviews

This book's strength is in its organization. O'Neal, who works under the unfortunate sobriquet of "The Love Coach," has taken familiar, basic information and presented it in a format that results in an enjoyable work. The author uses her experience as the founder and operator of a successful video dating service (The Friend Connection) to complement the philosophies of Napoleon Hill and others. Meant to be interactive, the book contains various exercises to help readers. O'Neal, however, suggests alternatives to writing in the book?a plus for libraries. Simply one of the best how-to books on dating and interpersonal relationships, this is recommended for all public libraries.?January Adams, Franklin Twp. P.L., Somerset, N.J.
Copyright 1997 Reed Business Information, Inc.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chemistry

Chemistry is the elusive quality that separates a romantic relationship from a platonic one.  It's the special attraction, the magical essence that makes us want to have sex with a particular person, to blend and be one with that person.  Because chemistry is such a powerful force, however, it has to be handled carefully.

Buck naked and scared silly?!?

If sex can be the glue that keeps even a bad relationship alive, it can also, ironically, be the death of a good relationship, if the timing isn't right.  For years movies and novels have given us variations of the "instant-fireworks" scenario, wherein two virtual strangers fall into bed together, have perfect sex, fall in love, and live happily ever after.  There's no denying this makes a good story, but, having heard hundreds of stories from real couples, I can give you a much more likely scenario:

Imagine that you're with someone who's really pretty wonderful.  There are no red flags popping up in your head, no signs that this person has critical flaws, no indication that sex with this individual would be a ghastly mistake.  Quite the contrary--you've been out together a couple of times, things are going well between you, and the chemistry has hit full force.  Everything seems quite natural.  Maybe this truly is the perfect person for you.  

So here you are, in bed together for the first time.

And suddenly you realize you are buck naked, staring straight into the eyes of somebody who is, for all practical purposes, a stranger.  There you are, absolutely exposed to someone you really don't know at all, on the verge of participating in the most intimate act two human beings can possibly do together.  So how do you feel?  Romantic?  Overwhelmed with passion?  

No, more than likely you're scared silly--or, at the very least, you're feeling more than a little awkward or self-conscious.  The bigger these negative feelings get, the less fun you're going to have.

If you're a woman, the effect can be an inability to achieve orgasm.  It's difficult enough to be nude in front of somebody you scarcely know, but having a climax means truly giving up control.  You can't do that if you're overwhelmed by feelings of doubt or fear or just plain awkwardness.  You can't abandon yourself to passion if you don't feel safe with your partner.  One result is that he may end up feeling inadequate.  This is a less than ideal element to inject into a new relationship.  

If you're a man, you may experience performance anxiety and difficulty in getting an erection, even though you're very attracted to the woman you're with.  If you're too embarrassed to discuss it with her, to explain that you're merely nervous, the problem is compounded.  She may feel you don't think she's attractive--and you know how sensitive women are about this matter.  

In any case, what you are left with is a memory of an experience that is, at best, embarrassing, and at worst, can destroy your chances of building a good relationship.  If the experience was frustrating, you're not going to want to take a chance on a repeat performance (or lack thereof).  If it was embarrassing, you won't want to be confronted with someone who is a reminder of your discomfort.  

And if you left your partner with either of you feeling even a little unsure about the experience, a whole new dynamic comes into play.  Even if the sex was fantastic, it is normal to be more sensitized in that time right after you part company.  ("Was I good?  Did he/she really enjoy being with me?  Did I make too much/too little noise?")  The questions are endless, but they all are merely different ways of asking,  "Am I safe with this person?"  If you're not sure, you probably won't even call the person back, because you're afraid of what the answer might be.  

The bottom line is that by having sex when you're not really ready, you can not only destroy the opportunity to build a wonderful relationship, but end up cheating yourself (and your partner) out of some really remarkable sex.

So, men or women, if you find that you have a tendency to become attracted to somebody on a physical level first, rein in those hormones and ask yourself where you are on the other two levels of attraction.  

THE FIVE BIGGEST SEXUAL TURN-OFFS FOR MEN:

1. A sexually unresponsive woman.  A man hates having sex with a woman who doesn't act as if she is enjoying having sex with him.  The days when women were expected not to enjoy sex, when Queen Victoria advised her daughter to "just lie back and think of England," are long gone.  Men are no longer happy with a woman who merely submits.  Having sex with an unresponsive partner is like dancing alone; it's just not very satisfying, and it makes a man feel foolish.  A man wants an active partner who enjoys having sex with him, and who lets him know that he's giving her pleasure.

2. A woman who never initiates sex.  If a woman never initiates sex, the man doesn't feel wanted or desirable and, if he doesn't feel wanted or desirable, he probably isn't going to stick around.  However, there is a big difference between initiating sex and demanding it.  In fact if you're a woman you probably understand this distinction very well: think of the difference between a man who lets you know he wants you and a man who lets you know that he expects you to have sex with him.  (Does the old word duty ring an ugly bell?)

3. A woman who doesn't take care of herself physically.  Very simply, men are more visually driven creatures than women, and a woman's physical attractiveness is more important to them than a man's attractiveness is to most women.  Generally speaking, a woman looks more for internal qualities, such as the attributes in a man that make her feel safe and secure.  Does this mean you must look like a centerfold to attract a man?  Of course not, but you should take care of yourself.  You should try to be attractive in a pleasing, natural way by making the most of your physical attributes.  This means using common sense about personal hygiene, and using cosmetics and clothing styles that accent your individual beauty instead of changing it.  Eat right, exercise, and generally take good care of your body.  Even a good haircut can work wonders for your attractiveness and self-image.  You don't need to be obsessive about your looks (see the next item); just be conscious.  Be the most attractive you can be.  

4.  A woman who is too concerned with her appearance.  While men are turned on by a woman who is naturally pretty, they're very turned off by a woman who believes that physical beauty is all she has to offer.  If a woman is obsessed with her appearance to the extent that she won't make love and abandon herself to orgasm because she's afraid it will smear her makeup, it shows she lacks the confidence that she has anything to offer but her looks.  A confident woman simply doesn't dwell on her looks.  She doesn't think about what she looks like during orgasm.  A woman is going to be attractive to her man if her hair is messed up and her makeup is gone, so long as she is enjoying what she's doing with him.  And, as we discussed in chapter three, most men don't like a lot of makeup, anyway.  They don't mind makeup, but they don't want it to look as if they could touch your face and see their fingerprints.

5.  A woman who doesn't enjoy giving a man oral sex.  Oral sex is very important to men.  A woman who doesn't enjoy oral sex, who doesn't treat the man's penis as if it's special, is rejecting a very significant part of him as a person.  I cannot overstate the significance of oral sex to a man.

Now, let's "clear the palate," if you will, and look at their five biggest turn-ons.

THE FIVE BIGGEST SEXUAL TURN-ONS FOR MEN:

1.  A woman who really likes sex.  Every man wants a responsive woman who enjoys making love with him.

2. A woman who initiates lovemaking from time to time.  A man wants to know that his woman desires him as much as he desires her.

3. A woman who praises her man and makes him feel that he's the best lover in the world.  A man wants to be with a woman who makes him feel that he's the paragon of sexual pleasure.  She praises him, thanks him for her pleasure, and tells him how great he is.  However, a woman should resist the temptation to pay false compliments, because the man will see right through it.  She should, instead, focus on the wonderful ways he gives her pleasure, and let him know how terrific he makes her feel.

4. A woman who shares what turns her on in a positive, noncritical way.  Because men are very sensitive, a positive message always works better than a negative one--and in the bedroom this is particularly true.  Instead of saying, "Don't do this," say, "I like it even better when you do this," and gently guide him into doing what you like.  You don't want to be a traffic cop or a choreographer in bed; you do want to be an enthusiastic, loving partner.  

5. A woman for whom sex is just as much a priority as it is for her man.  A ...

Edition details

• Publisher: Broadway
• Publication date: 1998
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0767901673
• ISBN 13: 9780767901673
• Binding: Hardcover
• Edition number: 2
• Number of pages: 240