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Synopsis
“I said I was sorry!”
Even in the best of relationships, all of us make mistakes. We do and say things we later regret and hurt the people we love most. So we need to make things right. But simply saying you’re sorry is usually not enough.
In this book, #1 New York Times bestselling author Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas unveil new ways to effectively approach and mend fractured relationships. Even better, you’ll discover how meaningful apologies provide the power to make your friendships, family, and marriage stronger than ever before.
When Sorry Isn’t Enough will help you . . .
- Cool down heated arguments
- Offer apologies that are fully accepted
- Rekindle love that has been dimmed by pain
- Restore and strengthen valuable relationships
- Trade in tired excuses for honesty, trust, and joy
*This book was previously published as The Five Languages of Apology. Content has been significantly revised and updated.
"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.
About the Author
GARY CHAPMAN--author, speaker, counselor--has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships. He is the #1 bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages series and director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations. For more information visit his website at www.5lovelanguages.com.
JENNIFER M. THOMAS, Ph.D., is a motivational speaker specializing in the five love languages and communication. She is a business consultant and psychologist. She recently gave a TEDx talk on the two essentials for healthy relationships. Hint: They involve a love tank and forgiveness. She is co-author (with Gary Chapman) of When Sorry Isn't Enough and The Five Languages of Apology. Her books have been translated into fifteen foreign languages and sold hundres of thousands of copies around the world. Jennifer has a doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Maryland, as well as a BA in Psychology and Religion from the University of Virginia. Visit her website at www.drjenthomas.com to take a free apology profile and register for her enewsletter.
From the Back Cover
“I said I was sorry!”
Even in the best of relationships, all of us make mistakes. We do and say things we later regret and hurt the people we love most. So we need to make things right. But simply saying you’re sorry is usually not enough.
In this book, #1 New York Times bestselling author Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas unveil new ways to effectively approach and mend fractured relationships. Even better, you’ll discover how meaningful apologies provide the power to make your friendships, family, and marriage stronger than ever before.
When Sorry Isn’t Enough will help you . . .
· Cool down heated arguments
· Offer apologies that are fully accepted
· Rekindle love that has been dimmed by pain
· Restore and strengthen valuable relationships
· Trade in tired excuses for honesty, trust, and joy
This book was previously published as The Five Languages of Apology. Content has been significantly revised and updated.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
When Sorry Isn't Enough
MAKING THINGS RIGHT WITH THOSE YOU LOVE
By GARY CHAPMAN, Jennifer Thomas, Elizabeth Cody NewenhuyseNorthfield Publishing
Copyright © 2013 Gary Chapman Jennifer Thomas
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8024-0704-7All rights reserved.
Contents
| Introduction: Why This Is Important........................................ | 9 |
| 1. Righting Wrongs......................................................... | 13 |
| 2. "I'm Sorry": Expressing Regret.......................................... | 21 |
| 3. "I Was Wrong": Accepting Responsibility................................. | 33 |
| 4. "How Can I Make It Right?": Making Restitution.......................... | 45 |
| 5. "I Want to Change": Genuinely Repenting................................. | 59 |
| 6. "Can You Find It in Your Heart ...": Requesting Forgiveness............. | 73 |
| 7. How Do You Say You're Sorry?............................................ | 83 |
| 8. What If You Don't Want to Apologize?.................................... | 93 |
| 9. Learning to Forgive..................................................... | 109 |
| 10. Healing Your Family Relationships...................................... | 125 |
| 11. Choosing to Forgive Yourself........................................... | 139 |
| 12. Truly Sorry, Truly Forgiven............................................ | 149 |
| Notes...................................................................... | 155 |
| Acknowledgments............................................................ | 159 |
| Things Not to Say When Apologizing......................................... | 161 |
| Things to Say When Apologizing............................................. | 162 |
| The Apology Language Profile............................................... | 165 |
Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Righting Wrongs
In a perfect world, there would be no need for apologies. But because the worldis imperfect, we cannot survive without them. My academic background is thefield of anthropology, the study of human culture. One of the clear conclusionsof the anthropologist is that all people have a sense of morality: Some thingsare right, and some things are wrong. People are incurably moral. In psychology,it is often called the conscience. In theology, it may be referred to asthe "sense of ought" or the imprint of the divine.
It is true that the standard by which the conscience condemns or affirmsis influenced by the culture. For example, in Eskimo (or Inuit) culture,if one is on a trek and runs out of food, it is perfectly permissibleto enter the igloo of a stranger and eat whatever is available. In mostother Western cultures, to enter an unoccupied house would be considered"breaking and entering," an offense punishable as a crime. Although the standardof right will differ from culture to culture and sometimes within cultures, allpeople have a sense of right and wrong.
When one's sense of right is violated, that person will experience anger.He or she will feel wronged and resentful at the person who has violated theirtrust. The wrongful act stands as a barrier between the two people, and therelationship is fractured. They cannot, even if they desired, live as though thewrong had not been committed. Jack, whose brother swindled him years ago, says,"Things have never been the same between us." Whatever the offense, somethinginside the offended calls for justice. It is these human realities that serve asthe basis of all judicial systems.
A CRY FOR RECONCILIATION
While justice may bring some sense of satisfaction to the offendedperson, justice does not typically restore relationships. If an employee who isfound stealing from the company is caught, tried, and fined or imprisoned,everyone says, "Justice has been served." But the company is not likely torestore the employee to the original place of leadership. On the other hand, ifan employee steals from the company but quickly takes responsibility for theerror, reports that misdeed to the supervisor, expresses sincere regret, offersto pay for all inequities, and pleads for mercy, there is the possibility thatthe employee will be allowed to continue with the company.
Humankind has an amazing capacity to forgive. I remember a number of years agovisiting the town of Coventry, England. I stood in the shell of a cathedral thathad been bombed by the Nazis in the Second World War. I listened as theguide told the story of the new cathedral that rose beside the ruins. Someyears after the war, a group of Germans had come and helped build the newcathedral as an act of contrition for the damages their fellow countrymenhad inflicted. Everyone had agreed to allow the ruins to remain in theshadow of the new cathedral. Both structures were symbolic: the one of man'sinhumanity to man, the other of the power of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Something within us cries out for reconciliation when wrongdoinghas fractured a relationship. The desire for reconciliation is often more potentthan the desire for justice. The more intimate the relationship, the deeper thedesire for reconciliation. When a husband treats his wife unfairly, in her hurtand anger she is pulled between a longing for justice and a desire for mercy. Onthe one hand, she wants him to pay for his wrongdoing; on the other hand, shewishes for reconciliation. It is his sincere apology that makes genuinereconciliation possible. If there is no apology, then her sense of moralitypushes her to demand justice. Many times through the years, I have observeddivorce proceedings and watched the judge seek to determine what was just. Ihave often wondered if sincere apologies would have changed the sad outcome.
I have looked into the eyes of teenage rage and wondered how different lifewould be if an abusive father had apologized. Without apologies, anger buildsand pushes us to demand justice. When, as we see it, justice is not forthcoming,we often take matters into our own hands and seek revenge on those who havewronged us. Anger escalates and can end in violence. The man who walks into theoffice of his former employer and shoots his supervisor and three of hiscoworkers burns with a sense of injustice—to the point where onlymurderous revenge will right the wrong. Things might have been different had hehad the courage to lovingly confront—and others had the courage to say, "Iwas wrong."
CAN YOU FORGIVE WITHOUT AN APOLOGY?
Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that areenabled by apologies. Some, particularly within the Christian worldview, havetaught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus, "Ifyou do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yourtrespasses." Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful andcontinues in his adulterous affair, "You must forgive him, or God will notforgive you." Such an interpretation of Jesus' teachings fails to reckon withthe rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructedto forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does Godforgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgiveour sins. Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgivesthe sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins.
When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he stillcontinues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife somethingthat God Himself does not do. Jesus' teaching is that we are to be alwayswilling to forgive, as God is always willing to forgive, those who repent.Some will object to this idea, indicating that Jesus forgave those who werekilling Him. But that is not what the Scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed,"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Jesusexpressed His heart of compassion and His desire to see His murderersforgiven. That should be our desire and our prayer. But their forgivenesscame later when they acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God.
Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the benefit of theforgiver rather than the benefit of the offender. Such forgiveness does not leadto reconciliation. When there is no apology, the Christian is encouraged torelease the person to God for justice and to release one's anger to God throughforbearance.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great theologian who was martyred by the Nazis in aconcentration camp in 1945, argued against the "preaching of forgiveness withoutrequiring repentance." He referred to such forgiveness as "cheap grace ... whichamounts to the justification of sin without the justification of the repentantsinner."
Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense andopens the door to restoring trust over time. If the relationship was warm andintimate before the offense, it can become loving again. If the relationship wassimply one of casual acquaintance, it may grow to a deeper level through thedynamic process of forgiveness. If the offense was created by an unknown personsuch as a rapist or a murderer, there was no relationship to be restored. Ifthey have apologized and you have forgiven, each of you is free to go on livingyour lives, although the criminal will still face the judicial system created bythe culture to deal with deviant behavior.
THE FIVE-GALLON CONTAINER
When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to makeamends with the person who was offended. Genuine apology opens the door to thepossibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. Then we can continue to build therelationship. Without apology, the offense sits as a barrier, and the quality ofthe relationship is diminished. Good relationships are always marked by awillingness to apologize, forgive, and reconcile.
Sincere apologies also assuage a guilty conscience. Picture your conscience as afive-gallon container strapped to your back. Whenever you wrong another, it'slike pouring a gallon of liquid into your conscience. Three or four wrongs andyour conscience is getting full—and you are getting heavy. A fullconscience leaves one with a sense of guilt and shame. The only way toeffectively empty the conscience is to apologize to God and the person youoffended. When this is done, you can look God in the face, you can look yourselfin the mirror, and you can look the other person in their eyes; not because youare perfect but because you have been willing to take responsibility for yourfailure.
We may or may not have learned the art of apologizing when we were children. Inhealthy families, parents teach their children to apologize. However, manychildren grow up in dysfunctional families where hurt, anger, and bitterness area way of life and no one ever apologizes.
WHAT REAL LOVE LOOKS LIKE
The good news is that the art of apology can be learned. What we have discoveredin our research is that there are five fundamental aspects ofan apology. We call them the five languages of apology. Each of them isimportant. But for a particular individual, one or two of the languages maycommunicate more effectively than the others. The key to good relationships islearning the apology language of the other person and being willing to speak it.When you speak their primary language, you make it easier for them to genuinelyforgive you. When you fail to speak their language, it makes forgiveness moredifficult because they are not sure if you are genuinely apologizing.
Understanding and applying the five languages of an apology will greatly enhanceall of your relationships.
In the next five chapters, we will explain the five languages. And in chapter 7,we will show you how to discover both your own and another person's primaryapology language and how this can make your efforts at apologizing mostproductive.
Love often means saying you're sorry—over and over again. Real love willbe marked by apologies by the offender and forgiveness by the offended. This isthe path to restored, loving relationships. It all begins by learning to speakthe right language of apology when you offend someone.
CHAPTER 2
"I'm Sorry"
EXPRESSING REGRET
Those of us who experienced bullying when we were growing up—orwatched our kids being victimized—know that the scars cancut deep and last long. But some elementary-school students in Louisiana arelearning an important lesson. At a recent antibullying assembly at a school inLafayette, Kyannah Mathis, only seven, admitted that she had sometimes been abully toward some of her classmates. She said she had been feeling sad since thedeath of her grandmother and thought she might have taken out some of thatsadness on others. With the encouragement of facilitator Asher Lyons, Kyannahcalled two of her friends up and apologized to them, then asked for theirforgiveness and asked what she could do to make it right. The girls shook handsand agreed to be friends.
"I feel much better because I don't feel mad anymore," Kyannah said after theprogram. As for her friends, eight-year-old Nevaonna Alfred said she wasthankful for Kyannah's help and said that when she was bullied, "I feel like Ijust want to be mad myself." She added, "I just want us to be friends."
Years ago I (Gary) was watching Oliver North, the famous military officer andauthor, discuss Jane Fonda on a talk show. He was talking about the "acts oftreason" that he alleged Jane Fonda had perpetrated during the Vietnam War. HostAlan Colmes said, "But she apologized," to which North replied, "No, she did notapologize."
"She said that she was sorry," Colmes responded.
"That's not an apology," said North, adding, "She didn't say 'Will you forgiveme?' 'I'm sorry' is not an apology."
In addition to their political differences, Oliver North and Alan Colmes clearlydo not agree on what constitutes an apology. Perhaps they could learn a lessonfrom Kyannah and Nevaonna.
WHERE IT BEGINS
In 2013, Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah that he had cheated by doping, liedabout it, and sued innocent people as part of his cover-up.Time will tell if his confession will help salvage his legacy.
Is "I'm sorry" enough?
Maybe not always, as we shall see. But it does form the basis of our firstlanguage of apology: expressing regret. Expressing regret is the emotionalaspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person yourown sense of guilt, shame, and pain that your behavior has hurt him deeply. Itis interesting that when Robert Fulghum wrote his book All I Really Need to KnowI Learned in Kindergarten, he included as one of the things he learned: "Sayyou're sorry when you hurt somebody." Expressing regret isfundamental to good relationships.
Apology is birthed in the womb of regret. We regret the pain we have caused, thedisappointment, the inconvenience, the betrayal of trust. Regret focuses on whatyou did or failed to do and how it affected the other person. The offended oneis experiencing painful emotions, and they want you to feel some of their pain.They want some evidence that you realize how deeply you have hurt them. Forsome people, this is the one thing they listen for in an apology. Without theexpression of regret, they do not sense that the apology is adequate or sincere.
SAYING THE MAGIC WORDS
A simple "I'm sorry" can go a long way toward restoring goodwill. The absence ofthe words "I'm sorry" stands out to some like a very sore thumb. Quite oftenoffenders will not realize that they have left out some "magic words," but youcan be assured that the listener is scanning the silence for those missingwords.
Let me (Jennifer) share a personal story. Last spring I was part of a group ofwomen who received end-of-the-year prizes for each having led a small group. Iselected my prize from a sales consultant's catalog and was eagerly awaiting thearrival of my thank-you gift. The summer came and went with no delivery of myproduct. I began to wonder, Where is my order? When the end of the year came withno package, I concluded that my order was not likely to come. I actually decidedat that time that it was not worth pursuing the issue with anyone. I reasonedthat I had enjoyed leading the group and put the item out of my mind with therefrain, "Easy come, easy go."
Imagine my surprise when I received a telephone message from the consultant thenext spring. She said that she had been cleaning out boxes and found my order!She closed the phone message by saying simply that she wanted to arrange to getthe item to me. For my part, I was pleasantly surprised to be in the position toreceive that which I had let go. However, something was nagging at me. Ireplayed her message and confirmed my suspicion: She had failed to say, "I amsorry for my mistake," or to express any sort of regret. I would have quicklyembraced such an apology.
As it was, I pondered the issue in my mind long enough to write it down and towonder how often I might do the same thing. Do I correct problems, yet notassume responsibility or express regret? The magic words "I'm sorry"would have made a world of difference to me.
"I WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND HOW HE HURT ME"
Many people can identify with Jennifer's experience. Karen lives in Duluth,Minnesota. She has been married to her husband, Jim, for twenty-seven years.When I asked her, "What do you look for in an apology when Jim has wrongedyou?" her immediate response was, "Most of all I want him to understand howhe hurt me and why. I want him to see things from my perspective. I expect tohear him say, 'I apologize. I am really sorry.'
"It helps if he gives an explanation of how his actions have hurt me. That way,I know he understands. If it's something really bad, I expect abject misery andwant him to really be sad about the pain he caused me."
I asked, "When you say 'really bad,' what kind of things do you have in mind?"
"Like the time he took a girl at the office out to lunch without telling me. Iheard it from a friend, and I was really hurt. I think if he had tried tojustify it, I would have never gotten over it. You see, my husband is not thekind of man who takes other women out to lunch. I knew he had to have a littlefascination for her or he would not have done it. He admitted that I was rightand told me how sorry he was. He said that he knew that I would never go outwith another man and that if I did, he would be deeply hurt. He said that heregretted what he had done and wished he had never done it. I knew he wassincere when I saw tears come to his eyes." For Karen, the heart of an apologyis a sincere expression of regret.
WHAT DOES YOUR BODY SAY?
It is important that our body language agree with the words we are saying if weexpect the offended person to sense our sincerity. Karen mentioned Jim's tearsas evidence of his sincerity. Listen to the words of another wife who said, "Iknow when my husband sincerely feels sorry for something he's done, because hebecomes very quiet and his physical mannerisms become introverted. He apologizeswith a soft voice and a bowed head. This shows me that he feels really bad.Then I know it's genuine."
Robert and Katie have been married for seven years. When I asked him, "How doyou know that Katie is sincere when she apologizes?" his answer was, "Eyecontact. If she looks me in the eye and says 'I'm sorry,' I know she's sincere.If she says 'I'm sorry' while passing through the room, I know she's hidingsomething. A hug and a kiss after the apology also let me know that she'ssincere."
Robert is illustrating the reality that sometimes our body language speakslouder than our spoken language. This is especially true when the two contradicteach other. For example, one wife said, "When he screams at me, 'I said I'msorry!' but his eyes are glaring and his hands are shaking, it's like he'strying to make me forgive him. It seems to me he is more concerned about movingon and forgetting it than truly apologizing. It's like my hurt doesn'tmatter—let's just get on with life."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from When Sorry Isn't Enough by GARY CHAPMAN. Copyright © 2013 by Gary Chapman Jennifer Thomas. Excerpted by permission of Northfield Publishing.
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