Who Cares If It's a Choice?: Snappy Answers to 101 Nosy, Intrusive and Highly Personal Questions About Lesbians and Gays - Softcover

Orleans, Ellen

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9780963252647: Who Cares If It's a Choice?: Snappy Answers to 101 Nosy, Intrusive and Highly Personal Questions About Lesbians and Gays

Softcover

ISBN 10: 096325264X ISBN 13: 9780963252647

Publisher: Ellen Orleans, 1994

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A hilarious parody, Who Cares If It's a Choice? provides snappy answers to all those nosy questions about being gay. From rainbow flags and the gay "agenda" to code words, lipstick lesbians, and bisexual dating. it.s all here. Plus, as an added bonus, a special section of gender confusion in public restrooms! A great gift, this best-seller of popular author Ellen Orleans has sold over 9,000 copies world-wide.

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About the Author:

Ellen Orleans is the lammy-winning author of four books of gay and lesbian humor, including The Butches of Madison County, Who Cares If It's a Choice? and Still Can't Keep a Straight Face. Raised in New Jersey, now living in Colorado, Ellen's work has been widely-published in publications as diverse as The Washington Post and Girl Jock Magazine to Women's Glib (Crossing Press) and Wilma Loves Betty (Alyson Press)

GETTING STARTED Where did the word lesbian come from? Roughly translated from the Greek, lesbian means "lover of wet sex." Really? No, not really. Actually, over 2,500 years ago, a woman-loving poet named Sappho lived and wrote on the Greek island of Lesbos, hence the word "lesbian." While many lesbians are familiar with Sappho and Lesbos, what is less often known is that during this same period over a dozen such "training ground" islands existed throughout the world. Hundreds of artifacts sharing common subject matter have been found on these islands, indicating the inhabitants descended from a single, mighty tribe. Among the objects found were statues of smiling, large-breasted women with big thighs and bellies, ceremonial masks with pierced noses, and petrified sandals that bear an uncanny resemblance to Birkenstocks. What is a homosexual man? A homosexual man is someone who is so incredibly closeted, so profoundly insecure, and so barely able to admit that he even has sexual feelings (much less for another man) that he actually uses the dopey word homosexual to describe himself. Or he is so incredibly over all this talk about self-acceptance and self-respect and so into being queer, thinking queer and breathing queer that its precisely because he finds the word "ho-mo-sex-u-al" so unbelievably dumb that he wears it on his T-shirt. What is the difference between a lesbian and a dyke? About $30,000 per year. Actually, this is a line by comic Lea Delaria. Now if she could only explain the difference between a dyke, a bulldyke and a bulldagger. Are there different kinds of lesbians? Yes! A few of the categories include o

"Protest, Boycott and March" radical dykes o

feminist-theory, process-or-die lesbians o

Rugby/softball/all-around jock lesbians

(and the women who pamper them) o

Earth-Mother/Mother-Earth, pagan lesbians o

Old-time, pack-a-day, bar lesbians o

"were just like you, we dont want to offend anyone" lesbians o

"were nothing like you, we want to offend everyone" lesbians Are there different kinds of gay men? Yes, gay men also come in a variety of makes and models. A small sampling: o

Country-western gays (and those who merely dress like them) o

White picket fence homosexuals o

Young, hip and oh-so-queer dance club fags o

Corporate activists/corporate closet cases o

Frat boy look-alikes o

Homophobic by day/cruising boys by night o

Ordinary by day/ flaming queens by night Are lesbians and gays born that way? No, we are conceived that way. Consider it an act of divine intervention. How do you become a homosexual? Well, first theres the talent competition, then evening wear, and of course the all-important swimsuit competition. Okaythis is not a real answer. Its actually a joke by popular lesbian comic Suzanne Westenhoefer. The truth? Well first theres the general aptitude test, then theres the spatial relations section, then the all important test of eye-hand coordination. Does just one homosexual experience make you lesbian or gay? Absolutely. In fact, if youve even had so much as a homosexual thought, youre automatically lesbian or gay. So if you have had any homosexual experiences, as dull or non-stimulating as they might have been, turn yourself in to your nearest gay or lesbian center and register immediately. Your gay I.D. will be sent to you within 10 working days. If you are a man, during this ten day waiting period you must buy a health club membership and redecorate your house. If you are a woman, you must purchase at least $200 worth of lesbian-themed books and one or more cats. Questions? Call 1-800- IM QUEER. How do you know if you are lesbian or gay? Please consult the handy flow charts on the following pages. Arent gay people the result of domineering mothers and passive fathers? No, they are the result of passive mothers and domineering fathers. No, waitI think thats hyperactive sisters and passive-aggressive brothers. . .or possibly the result of sluggish cousins. What the hell, lets blame it on the family dog. Are most gay men militant homosexuals? Or is that a stereotype? Its a stereotype; albeit a refreshing one. At the 1993 National Gay and Lesbian Task Force conference, gay men voted 3 to 1 to revise the official national gay male stereotype from "sissified pansy" to "militant homosexual." The official dyke stereotype is still unratified; its toss-up between "political activist do-gooder" and "chic trendsetter." Lesbians have yet to reach consensus on the issue. Is the stereotype about ice-pick wielding, revenge-seeking maniac lesbians true? Yes, so watch out! I am white and I recently met a black woman who told me she was a lesbian. Are all black people gay? This is a real question. I attended an Unlearning Racism workshop where an African-American lesbian said shed actually been asked this! No, not all black people are gay. This question cant help but make one wonder, however, "Are all white people this stupid?" What is the homosexual agenda? The homosexual agenda is a figment of the religious rights imagination. As performers Ron Romanovsky and Paul Phillips say, "Theyre always talking about the homosexual agenda. . . as if queers could agree on anything. We cant even decide what to call ourselves." I am a woman who likes to dress like a lesbian, go dancing with lesbians, gossip about lesbians and argue queer politics. The only problem is that Im not sexually attracted to women, not even a little. Can I be a "straight lesbian"? No. You can be supportive of lesbians, you can enjoy lesbian culture, you can be a feminist, a bohemian, left bank, counter-culture, avant-garde, and completely hip, smart and trendy, but you cannot be a straight lesbian. Why do lesbians want to look like men? We like to tease straight women. Can you be seduced into being gay? Is that an offer?

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