Making the Best of Second Best: A Guide to Positive Stepparenting - Softcover

Fox, Kathleen

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0966554302 ISBN 13: 9780966554304

Publisher: Foxcraft Inc, 1998

Synopsis

Book by Fox, Kathleen

About this title

About the Author

I have been doing on-the-job training as a stepmother for nine years. I haven't learned all the answers yet, but I certainly have a good idea what most of the questions are. I have two children (Loren is 22 and Rachel is 16), and my husband has three (Stephanie is 19, Amy is 15, and Peter is 13). In the beginning, my kids lived with us all the time. My husband's kids lived with us for half the year and with their mother for the other half. When Loren was 15, he went to live with his father after a conflict with his stepdad. Stephanie, at 14, decided that life was easier at her mother's house and that she wanted to live there full-time. Right now those two are out on their own, so we have Rachel with us all the time and Amy and Peter here for six months of each year.

I am self-employed as a computer consultant, providing hardware and software support. I also am a freelance writer and editor. I have edited over 30 books on recovery and self-help for Health Communications, Inc., ranging from minor copy-editing to complete rewriting. I wrote a column on stepfamilies for three years for The Dallas Morning News and published a parenting newsletter for one year. For several years I was the executive director of Onsite Training and Consulting, a company which offered programs for co-dependency and addictions. I teach classes on building stronger stepfamilies, and I am working on a young-adult novel and a second nonfiction book.

From the Back Cover

Kathleen Fox has shared the challenges of stepfamilying with her husband, two children and three stepchildren since 1989. Her column on blended families ran for three years in The Dallas Morning News. She has also published magazine articles and edited a number of books on personal growth. She lives with her family in South Dakota.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

(From the Introduction) When I was a little girl I never once said to myself, "I want to be a stepmother when I grow up." It just isn't a job one aspires to, especially for those of us who learned about stepmothers from "Cinderella" and "Snow White." But my life took some unexpected turns over the years, and eventually, without ever having planned it or prepared for it, I became a stepparent. This is a demanding job with no formal training. I've never seen "Stepparenting 101" in a college catalog. I've never received a brochure in the mail advertising, "Learn to be a stepparent in the privacy of your own home for just pennies a day! Good jobs await our graduates!" (Thank goodness at least we do learn how to be stepparents in the privacy of our own homes. Some of those lessons include experiences we would never want known outside our own four walls.)

One of the things I have learned along the way is that a blended family is inherently second best. Because of its many moving parts, the baggage brought into it by various family members, and the stresses and chaos which are part of it, a stepfamily is a tough place to do a good job of parenting. And the stepparent's place in the system is almost always second-in the eyes of society, in the view of the legal system, and in your stepkids' hearts. Most of the time, that's the right spot. Kids' biological parents certainly ought to come first.

But "second place" isn't the same as "no place." When you become a stepparent, you become part of your stepchildren's lives. You take on a responsibility to them as an authority figure and as a parent figure. They won't necessarily want you to assume that responsibility; on the contrary, they may battle you fiercely over it. But it's still your job. The specific dimensions of that job are often beyond your control, but you volunteered for it, and whether you succeed at it is largely up to you.

Despite the difficulties, it is certainly possible to build a functional, healthy stepfamily that is a good place for kids to grow up. It's the responsibility of both parents and stepparents to do their best to form that kind of family. The stepparent's role is often the hardest, and it may well be the most important. You are the one who has to build a relationship with your stepchildren, hang onto your relationship with your own children, and define your place in the new family. How well you do all of that is critical to the success of the blended family.

Creating a functional stepfamily isn't magic, and it isn't luck. It isn't one of those things that some people mysteriously can do while others can't. Making a blended family work takes work, as well as love, courage, humor, flexibility, and lots of energy. It takes skills which can be learned and attitudes which can be changed. It also is a long-term commitment, not to be taken on lightly or abandoned at the first sign of a struggle. A successful stepfamily isn't created in a month, or six months, or a couple of years. It grows slowly over time as the people in it learn to like, trust, and respect each other.

By now you may be ready to head out the door, convinced that working your heart out just to be second best isn't for you. Please stick around. The most important thing I've learned about stepfamilying is that it's a challenge well worth taking on. I'd like to encourage you to think of stepparenting as an experience to appreciate and grow from, not merely endure.

Many of the books I have read about stepparenting emphasize the difficulties. Words such as "survival" and "coping" figure largely in their titles. But looking back over the past nine years has helped me realize how much I enjoy being part of a stepfamily as well as how much I have learned. Yes, the experience has often been difficult. Sometimes it has been exceedingly painful. It has also been a source of happiness, fulfillment, and a great deal of growth. I am a better person and a better parent now than I was then, and I'm grateful for the struggles that have helped me change (even though I didn't always appreciate them at the time).

Stepfamilying is definitely a challenge. It contains more than its share of pain and heartache. Yet it can also provide many rewards and an abundance of joy. Choosing to work actively toward building a happy blended family can be one of the most rewarding things you will ever do in your life. Yes, maybe as a stepparent you will always be in second place. But I hope you'll come to appreciate, as I have, just how good a place second can be.

Edition details

• Publisher: Foxcraft Inc
• Publication date: 1998
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0966554302
• ISBN 13: 9780966554304
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 182