Raising Humane Beings - Softcover

Fendelman, Jane

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0970469802 ISBN 13: 9780970469809

Publisher: Phoenix Rising Counseling Inc, 2001

Synopsis

Foreword by George Addair Ph.D.

Raising Humane Beings is the finest book on raising children ever written. Rarely in life does a reader find a single book that sufficiently covers an entire subject. After reviewing Jane's book I found myself thinking differently, for such a book will shift your thinking, and you, like me, will never be the same. I am pleased to endorse both her and her masterful book.

If you don't read this book now, you will in time. If you do not agree with it, time will prove to you that Jane was right. If you reread it twenty years from now you will be surprised at how advanced this book was, and you will then realize it as one of the greatest tools of the decades, not just for our children, but for our world. This book is the finest on this subject that I have ever seen, and it deserves a high place of honor in the world today.

About this title

About the Author

JANE FENDELMAN, MC

Jane Fendelman is an author and expert in coaching families, couples and individuals through many of life’s most challenging emotional and psychological obstacles.

For the past 12 years, Fendelman has served as a psychotherapist/counselor, working with children, particularly those diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD) and/or Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and their families. It is her belief that ADD and AD/HD are not disorders, but "adaptive responses to a society stuck on a hamster wheel." She shares this philosophy with parents in her inspirational book Raising Humane Beings. Fendelman is committed to restoring the nuclear family and eliminating the use of drugs as a form of treatment for America’s children.

Fendelman also assists children and adults in overcoming physical, mental, emotional and/or sexual abuse. In her new CD, Healing Childhood Trauma, Fendelman guides listeners through the complete healing process while sharing a personal account of her own journey into self-discovery and ultimate healing. From direct work with victims, sex offenders and rapists, she helps individuals conquer past trauma.

Finally, Fendelman coaches couples in rebuilding strained or shattered marriages into fulfilling and loving lifelong partnerships. Unlike most counselors, Fendelman’s revolutionary no-nonsense approach of three to five sessions has yielded long-lasting success testimonials from her clients.

Fendelman has a bachelor of science degree in education and masters degree in counseling. She resides in Phoenix where she founded her practice, and has been a featured speaker at conferences, on air via KFNX 1100 and KXAM AM Radio, Sonoran Living, Pat McMahon Show and Your Life A to Z. She also teaches parenting workshops across the state. Jane can be seen on Arizona Midday, channel 12 (NBC), every Friday morning at 11:00 am. For more information call (602) 532-0335.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Grocery Store Tantrums by Jane Fendelman, MC

The grocery store experience! Your child has the psychological advantage in public places by virtue of the fact that you have a deeply ingrained need for external approval. I am going to ask you to change now, which is what you have been asking your child to do. Can you look at this a new way? Look at it as a test for you to develop emotional maturity through, self-valuing, self-approving and self-identifying. Picture it: everyone is standing around shooting you those dagger looks that make you want to crawl under the cashiers' stand. You think they are thinking, "Can't s/he control his/her child?...I would swat my child if s/he did that!...I can't believe s/he hit that poor child!...Why doesn't s/he DO something?" Right? Well, if you are thinking all that, you have abandoned yourself into the dark depressing land of "the need for external approval". Self-abandonment is always painful and you aren't capable of making a clear and loving decision from this dark place. I love the title of the book by Terry Cole-Whitaker, What You Think of Me is None of My Business. You must develop your "external observer", that part of you that can sit outside of you and watch like a scientist looking down through a microscope into a petrii dish. Say to yourself, "Hmmm. This little boy appears to be very expressive, and this woman that I call 'me' appears embarrassed and now angry. How interesting." If you choose to act instead of react, you will be coming from a much more empowered state. Come back to yourself and see what would be a loving thing for you to do or say to yourself. It might be, "Well, I would really like a hug right now." So, give yourself a hug! In my parenting group we practice giving ourselves hugs and kisses so we can have one whenever we need one. See how it feels and give yourself a hug or a kiss right now. Go on, no one is looking and even if someone is, so what; and all the better if it is the children who see you doing it. This is the start of self-approval and acknowledgment. You must learn to stay present with yourself, even under the scrutiny of onlookers, whether they be strangers or family. If you continue to judge yourself by other peoples' standards you will be like a leaf blown around in the wind and your self-esteem will be shaky. Plus, you will punish your child for embarrassing you; in other words, you will punish your child for your own low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. If you remove this chain from your neck, your child won't be able to pull it. Think how surprised your child would be if, instead of giving your power up in a rage, you simply laid down on the ground next to him/her and quietly waited out the emotional expression, all the while sending the child a silent, "I love you, I see your fear, frustration and need for control". I did this once years ago before I was even a professional counselor. I was at a grocery store and there was a child having a terrific tantrum at the front while Mom was trying to make it through the line at the cash register. All the other shoppers were looking on and Mom appeared thoroughly embarrassed and frozen in place. I observed for a few moments and then decided to lie down next to the little boy, who looked to be about six years old. I laid comfortably on my side with my head propped on my hand and watched him as intently as I like to watch a National Geographic show or my favorite soap opera. The little being was so engulfed in the throes of passion that he didn't notice me for a full half minute, and I was not but two feet from him. The onlookers were becoming amused and Mom began to breathe again. Suddenly, this small person became aware of me and all at once came to a full stop. He locked his little eyes on mine and I smiled at him. His tantrum was over and the crowd dispersed in search of other mothers they might intimidate. Mom was grateful, thanking me. Some of your best parenting techniques will be those that come to you in a flash of brilliance, the way Mozart's great concertos would come to him-- all at once-- seemingly a divine intervention. Most importantly though, remember, emotional maturity is being able to love yourself even in the face of mass disapproval. Just knowing this will solve 75% of your current power struggles.

Edition details

• Publisher: Phoenix Rising Counseling Inc
• Publication date: 2001
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0970469802
• ISBN 13: 9780970469809
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 172