Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love - Hardcover

Van Derbur, Marilyn

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0972829849 ISBN 13: 9780972829847

Publisher: Oak Hill Ridge Pr, 2003

Synopsis

About the Book In this long-awaited book, Marilyn Van Derbur, a former Miss America, tells the story of how she was sexually violated by her prominent, millionaire father from age 5 to age 18. She was 53 years old before she was able to speak the words in public, "I am an incest survivor." She opened the door for tens of thousands of sexual abuse survivors to also speak the words, many for the first time, within their own families and communities.

Marilyn describes, in detail, what specific "work" she did on her journey from victim to survivor. After learning of a woman’s rape, Marilyn heard a close friend say, "It was a bad 20 minutes." In the hope that rape and sexual abuse will no longer be as easily dismissed or minimized, Marilyn writes for the first time about what her father did to her and what the impact has been on her adult life.

Using her story as the scaffolding, she shares knowledge and insights she has gained through speaking personally with adult survivors across the country. Marilyn has been in personal contact with more survivors than anyone in America. She has personally answered over 8,000 letters and spoken in 225 cities. Survivors line up for two to three hours to tell her their stories.

Marilyn’s major motivation in writing the book came as a result of hearing these words, literally thousands of times: "When I was 7 and my brother was 13…" Only the ages changed.

The most frequently reported age when sexual abuse begins is between 5 and 6 years old and common offenders are older brothers and teenage baby-sitters (both male and female). 14 -year-olds comprise the largest number of sex offenders of any age group.

With her extensive research on the long-term impact of trauma and her belief that prevention is the best weapon for keeping our children safe, Marilyn urges parents to talk with children, as young as five, and provides suggested guidelines for important conversations that will, hopefully, evolve into continuous dialogues.

Knowing that vulnerable children are targets, she gives unique ways of building children’s self esteem.

Read how she responds to: "This happened decades ago." "How could you forget?" "Are there really ‘false memories’?" "Can ‘just fondling’ cause as much trauma as rape?" "Did you forgive?" "How did you develop a satisfying sexual relationship?" The major theme that ties the book together is how her marriage continued to thrive during her darkest years of recovery.

About this title

About the Author

Marilyn Van Derbur was crowned Miss America while she was a student at the University of Colorado. After her year as Miss America, she returned to college and received a Bachelor of Arts degree, with Phi Beta Kappa honors. As a childhood incest survivor, she has devoted much of her adult life to raising national awareness and understanding of sexual abuse and its long term effects. In 1989 her family funded an adult incest survivor program in Denver, and in 1993 she co-founded two national not-for-profit organizations dedicated to public education and strengthening laws protecting victims of sexual abuse. She has produced 24 films, two of which won national and international awards. One was shown on prime-time PBS and eight others have been shown in hundreds of classrooms nationwide. Van Derbur is well known as a convention keynote and motivational speaker. She has been named the "Outstanding Woman Speaker in America," has been inducted into the Colorado Women's Hall of Fame, and has received numerous awards and acknowledgments for her work. A lifelong resident of Denver, she and her husband, Larry Atler, have one grown daughter, Jennifer, a son-in-law, Joel, and just welcomed their first grandchild, Max.

From the Inside Flap

Anyone who knew Marilyn Van Derbur as a child and young adult believed she had it all. Born into an affluent, prominent family, she was a popular, out-standing student and athlete. But beneath the surface, she suffered from horrific panic attacks, unrelenting insomnia and excruciating body pain. No one could imagine that her father "incested" her from age five to 18. Van Derbur was an overachiever with a subconscious need to stay constantly busy. She realizes now that this was a coping mechanism to keep her two worlds separated - the "night child" who suffered at the hands of her father and the "day child" who was happy and accomplished. While a sophomore in college, her sorority sisters nominated her for Miss University of Colorado. Three months later, she was crowned Miss America. Ignoring the sheer terror she felt at the prospect of speaking in front of others, Van Derbur chose motivational speaking as her career and, within a decade, she was named "Outstanding Woman Speaker in America." Believing people would look at her with disgust and distain if they knew her secret, Van Derbur had an obsessive need to be successful and respected. As her life unfolded, she began to understand the complex ways in which her childhood trauma was driving her adult life. Through dogged persistence and gut-wrenching disclosures and confrontations, she began to heal the gaping wounds of her childhood. When a newspaper reporter learned of her story, Van Derbur's private shame became front-page news. When she landed on the cover of People magazine, there was a national outpouring from survivors who turned to her for help and support. It became instantly clear that her new role was to help others who had suffered from rape and sexual abuse and to help educate parents on how to keep their children safe from predators.

Edition details

• Publisher: Oak Hill Ridge Pr
• Publication date: 2003
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0972829849
• ISBN 13: 9780972829847
• Binding: Hardcover
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 561