Go Ask Ogre: Letters from a Deathrock Cutter - Softcover

Jolene Siana; Bonnie McLaughlin

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0976082217 ISBN 13: 9780976082217

Publisher: Process, 2005

Synopsis

Teenage hell has never been captured with such intense honesty as these actual letters sent in the late ‘80s from a suicidal girl to the singer of her favorite band.

Go Ask Ogre peers into the world of a misfit "cutter" who lives with an abusive mother in the rust belt. A tailspin of suicidal depression and self-injury leads her to write Ogre, front man for the industrial rock band Skinny Puppy. Soon he receives a flood of elaborately illustrated letters and journals filled with Jolene’s most intimate thoughts—from her most painful secrets to hilarious observations and lucid realizations about her life and those around her.

At a concert, Ogre confides to Jolene that he has saved all her letters. Nine years later, a box from Ogre arrives at Jolene’s door. Re-examining the documents, she realizes that writing these letters had saved her life.

Go Ask Ogre compiles Jolene Siana's actual letters, artwork, illustrations, and ephemera into a unique and powerful story of an extremely troubled teen who made it through the worst years of her life, and, through the power of music and art, transformed herself in the process. It is heavily illustrated and full color throughout.

Critical Praise:

"Pure, lucid and engaging...more authentic for a new generation of young women than, say, the 1971 cautionary tale about drugs, Go Ask Alice."—Susan Carpenter, LA Times

"Dark, funny and touching..."—boingboing.net

"Cringingly confessional, persistently desperate, yet often uproariously funny. All rendered and packaged in labor-intensive psychedelic outsider graphic design. An overdue riposte to the bludgeoning morality of the fabricated Go Ask Alice."—Doug Harvey, LA Weekly

"By turns fierce, funny, heartbreaking and wise, Jolene Siana's Go Ask Ogre burns onto the page in an intense collage of words and images that together create a portrait of a gifted young woman fighting to hang on to her own life and choosing an unlikely—but strangely suitable—ally for her battle."—Caroline Kettlewell, author of Skin Game

"Amidst the cultural and political corruption of the late 1980s, seeking and artistic teens like Jolene Siana found cathartic solace in aggressive and so-called 'morbid' bands like Skinny Puppy. That she persevered with the help of music that parents, preachers, and politicians condemned, but rarely tried to understand, is a moving lesson."—Alan Rapp, editor of The Journey is the Destination: The Journals of Dan Eldon and Dan Eldon: The Art of Life

About this title

About the Author

Jolene Siana lives in Los Angeles and spends her time writing, painting, photographing people and traveling to Amsterdam every year. Bonnie McLaughlin, MA, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Burbank, California, since 1990. She specializes in issues related to relationships, parenting, and recovery from childhood abuses.

Reviews

Adult/High School–When she was 17, Siana wrote a series of letters to punk rocker Ogre, the front man of the '80s band Skinny Puppy. The letters speak of depression and cutting, drug abuse and sex, music and poetry. At one concert, Ogre told her that he saved all her letters and one day would return them. True to his word, two boxes arrived at her door nine years later; inside were illustrated letters and journals filled with her most intimate thoughts and fears. Like most cutters, those who injure themselves as a physical manifestation of their inner pain, Siana felt powerless as her life spun out of control. Rereading the letters years later, she realized that expressing herself through this way had saved her life. The letters share what it's like to grow up weird and how one girl could rise above her background. Almost every page of the book is filled with heartbreaking artwork and photos, which brilliantly link the journal entries and letters together, allowing readers to get a look inside the mind of a very creative but disturbed young woman. At the end of the book is a letter from Siana's therapist and a list of resources for teenagers who may be experiencing the same problems and emotions that the author wrote about.–Erin Dennington, Fairfax County Public Library, Chantilly, VA
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

I think everyone hates me. I m completely embarrassed and depressed about last night. For the millionth time, I made a complete fool out of myself. I went to Cleveland to see the Revolting Cocks, and well, I got really drunk and well, the place kicked me out! Can you believe innocent me got kicked out?! I ve never been drunk at a show.

Anyway, I staggered around being quite stupid. Jenny looked for Rave so that maybe I could get in. I came around the corner and I saw Jenny standing with Rave and he took me upstairs. We went over to the entrance and he tried to get me in but the people kept saying, "Don t let her in, we kicked her out twice," and Rave asked if I had my ID but it didn t matter because I m only 18. People were yelling for him because the show was about to start so he said, "I m really sorry, I tried." Then I went outside, got sick, and cried. Jen told me well, she yelled at me saying that writing to you doesn t accomplish anything, that you don t like me, that you re not going to write me back, and that if I didn t write to you, you would forget that I exist. I walked down the darkest alley. I felt like I was going to die. I was so scared. I kept getting sick. Jen and Tracy found me and took me to get coffee. Then we sat on the sidewalk and Jen wanted to leave but I didn t want to. The show ended and I wasn t as drunk as before, so I found some guy and asked him to find Rave. I looked dead. My makeup was smeared all over the place. I probably smelled like vomit. My slip was over my skirt. Anyway, the chubby guy in the band (Luc Van Acker)came out and said, "Are you waiting for a kiss from me?" and I said "No, I m waiting for Rave," and he said, "You re waiting for a kiss from Rave?" and I said, "No, I have to talk to him," and he just stood there and I said, "Your name is Luc, isn t it?" and he said, "How did you! know?" and I said, "I can tell by your accent," and then I said, "I saw you in Detroit. I liked your music but I thought those girls ruined it. They were really shallow," and he said, "I liked it. What does shallow mean?"

Then Rave came out and I don t remember the order but he said, "I didn t like when you said you were going to kill yourself. That upset me." I said, "I didn t say that," and he said that I did. I told him that I don t want to die and that I m terrified of death. I could never kill myself. He said that death is inevitable and then he said, "My father died." He was being so sweet and I felt guilty for being an immature, emotional, drunk little brat. I was telling him my pathetic life story. I feel sorry for him because he listened to me. I told him that I m a failure in school and he said, "What do you want to do?" and I said that I want to be a photographer and he said, "Then be one. You can do whatever you want to." He was giving me a pep talk. It was such a nice pep talk.

I told him that I m going to give my psychology teacher some Skinny Puppy lyrics on the last day of class and he said, "Why?" and I said "Because they re very interesting," and that when I first read them, I looked up all the words that I didn t know the meanings of and most of those words appeared in my psychology book more the once. He said, "They are intelligent but don t live by them," and I said "I don t," and he said, "Do you live by the Bible?" and I said, "No," and he said, "Then don t live by Skinny Puppy lyrics." I said, "I don t." I kept talking and talking and talking. He said, "You have a life of your own," and I said I know that, because I do know that, and I told you that I know that. Then Jen came over and said well, she yelled at me. She said she was going to leave and Rave told me he didn t want me to get left behind and he told us he d see us in three months. Then we left and everyone was mad at everyone. Mostly everyone was mad at me. Jenny, Kristy, Tracy, and Jen.

I got home at 6 a.m. slept until 10 a.m. I felt like dying! I was so depressed. I felt so embarrassed and lonely this morning. I cried and went to work at 11. I took an early break and cried. I can t eat. I can t smile. I felt so sick. You know? I sense hate. I feel stupid and worthless. I wanted to be raised differently. I wanted to have a father and sisters and brothers. I didn t want to be teased in elementary school. I wanted to be special. I wanted to cry less. I wanted to be disciplined. I wanted to be safe. I look in the mirror. I know myself. I don t like myself and I know you can t like myself. I don t want to die. I don t want you to dislike me. I don t know you well, but you matter. Kristy tried to tell me that I write to you because she says you re good-looking. That s so shallow and untrue. I d write to you even if you looked like David Lee Roth but still had your thoughts. I like all nice people. I have no right to say anything to you. I have no right to care. I don t know myself and I m sorry about everything. I really am.

Edition details

• Publisher: Process
• Publication date: 2005
• ISBN 10: 0976082217
• ISBN 13: 9780976082217
• Binding: Paperback
• Language: English
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 180