Essential Guide to Wedding Etiquette - Softcover

Naylor, Sharon

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1402205120 ISBN 13: 9781402205125

Publisher: Sourcebooks Casablanca, 2005

Synopsis

A wedding is a minefield of social rules, for everyone from the bride and groom to the wedding party, the mothers, fathers and extended families. This comprehensive guide by one of the leading experts in the wedding category will help everyone involved.

Providing the most up to date, current and socially important etiquette rules, this ultimate guide to the etiquette of weddings includes:
--Sharing the good news of the engagement, wedding announcements and engagement parties
--The roles of bridal party members, selecting the bridal party, and what to do if a bridal party member has to be removed
--Parents' roles and responsibilities, and parent issues
--Budgeting, who pays for what, the etiquette of legalities, how to ask others to help financially
--Cutting down the guest list, sticky guest list issues
--Ceremony style etiquette, working with an officiant, and reception planning and seating charts
--The etiquette of group shopping, long-distance organizing, ordering and paying

About this title

About the Author

Sharon Naylor is the bestselling and internationally-renowned author of over 35 wedding books, including The Complete Outdoor Wedding Planner, Bridesmaid on a Budget, The Mother of the Bride Book, Mother of the Groom, and many more award-winning titles. She has been featured in Bridal Guide, Southern Bride, Brides, InStyle Weddings, New York Weddings, Destination I Do, VOWS, and many other top bridal publications, as well as in Glamour, Redbook, Better Homes and Gardens, Ladies Home Journal, Woman's Day, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times and others. She has appeared on Good Morning America, Martha Stewart Weddings satellite radio, the BBC, Lifetime, ABC News, and countless other media programs. She is a syndicated wedding columnist and the green weddings expert at GorgeouslyGreen.com, as well as the Q&A maven at iVillage Weddings, WeddingMapper.com and more. She is also the destination wedding and honeymoon spokesperson for the Best-Of award-winning Rosewood Resorts Caneel Bay and Jumby Bay. Visit her website sharonnaylor.net and follow her on Twitter @sharonnaylorwed for her latest news and to potentially be featured in her upcoming wedding articles, blogs, and television segments.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Building Your Guest List
What Will People Think?
This concern haunts many a couple who, together, agree fully that they need and want a prenuptial agreement to protect their assets in the future. They have no problem with it. But their families most certainly might. Here are some helpful etiquette tips for this situation:
0 Stay quiet about it. No one needs to know your personal business, and this is one issue that you should consider sacred between the two of you.
0 If someone asks you about whether or not you're getting a prenup, you can be vague. "We're talking about it," followed by a natural change of subject gently and politely lets the inquiring mind know that it's none of his business.
0 Think for yourself. Problems arise when partners approach everyone they know for their opinion, to vent about the process, or to ask for legal advice. You've then invited everyone else's baggage, fears, and egos to interfere with your thought process. It's bad etiquette to advertise private matters within your partnership, as you'd be disrespecting your partner's privacy as well, and now is an early lesson on that. Discretion always.
0 If family and friends hear about your prenuptial agreement and approach you with hideous etiquette of their own ("What were you thinking, man?"), don't take the bait. You don't have to explain anything, and you won't indulge their need for drama and gossip (which is what's behind most ambushes launched by very bored people). Simply say, "We're both happy with what we've decided, thanks. Now we're on to other things." You're calm and cool about it, you thank them for their "thoughtfulness," and you smoothly divert the subject.

Keep It Quiet
Ask parents, politely, to stay quiet about their guest wish list until you can devise a final guest list for the wedding: "I think it's best if we don't share any details about the guest list until we have a final master list. I wouldn't want to create any misunderstandings." You're talking about a major etiquette breach-overeager parents inform everyone on their wish list that they are invited to the wedding before the master guest list is created. Unintentionally or intentionally, they've created a huge etiquette problem. The bride and groom would not have chosen Mom's Bunco partners for the wedding guest list, but they have now been invited. You cannot uninvite people who would realistically expect to be invited. And a direct invitation from the mother of the bride constitutes just that. Yikes. So avoid this etiquette nightmare by asking your entire team to be discreet about the guest list for right now, and you will do the same. The Deed Is Done
0 After you complete your prenuptial agreement, after all is signed and sealed, put it away and let it fade from your thoughts. Get on with your life together.
0 Never, ever, ever bring up the topic of the prenup as ammunition in an argument. ("Oh yeah? Well at least I trusted you enough not to think about drawing up a prenup!") A hot temper and a careless comment can erode the start of a marriage. Words do last between partners, so never use a prenup as a way to cut off your partner at the knees.
Since the size of your guest list determines the kind of wedding you'll have, where you'll have it, and just about every other detail beyond the basics (how many invitations you'll need, your menu, and so on), and since working together with your parents presents etiquette issues to be handled well, let's start off by defining your wished-for size of wedding so that you can inform parents about parameters:
0 Small: Under 50 guests
0 Medium: 50 to 100 guests
0 Average: 100 to 150 guests (Note: the average guest list size in the country right now is 141 guests)
0 Large: 150 to 200 guests
0 Extra-Large: 200+ guests
Three Lists
As you begin the selection of your invited guests, you'll invite your parents to submit their guest wish lists. Use the term "wish list," since you will ultimately decide who makes the final cut. Yes, parents who are paying for all or part of the wedding might think otherwise, but it's ultimately your choice of who you want to share your day with. Parents should of course be given the chance to invite some of their closest friends, but as a matter of honor to you, they should never be invited in place of your friends.
The bride and groom will have one list of your relatives and friends; the bride's parents will compile their list; the groom's parents will compile their list. If you have more than two sets of parents, such as remarried parents, they get a list too.
Remind your parents at the start that you wish to share your wedding day only with the people you're closest to. Make it clear that you expect your guest list to be "worked on" by asking parents to star or underline the people on their list who are absolute must have's. And you'll do the same with your list. When parents perceive fairness all the way around, many etiquette problems are avoided.
Parents' Guest List Etiquette
0 Invite only those friends and family that the bride and groom know.
0 Don't shift your IOU's onto your son or daughter. Just because your friends invited you to their daughter's wedding does not automatically mean that you have to invite them to your children's wedding.
0 Remember that it's the bride and groom's wedding, and keep it foremost in your mind that you've had your wedding day with your favorite people. Now it's their turn.
0 Be a dream partner. Volunteer to cut several of your distant friends so that the bride and groom can add some of their closest friends.
0 Deliver your list to the bride and groom on time, if not early.
0 Help the bride and groom to create a complete guest list, reminding them of first cousins they"Mom, Is Cousin Lena Single Again?"
Parents are an invaluable resource when it comes to offering an "And Guest" to the right people. For instance, it would be horrifically rude of you to send an invitation to your Cousin Lena and Guest when Cousin Lena is engaged to Tom. That's a huge show of ignorance and implied disrespect to Tom. Your parents can check over your "And Guest" list and update you about family and friends' marital status.
may have forgotten and thus saving them from etiquette snafus in their invitation process.
0 When you compile lists, cross the duplicate names off of your printed list, not theirs.
0 Voluntarily star or underline names that can be added to the backup list. If the bride and groom receive regrets from expected guests, they can look to their backup list to send out invitations to others they'd like to have at the wedding (but could not include on the master list).
Compiling Your Master List
Using everyone's wish list, you'll compile one master list in an organized fashion.

"And Guest" Additions
0 Every single guest over the age of eighteen (in some families, the rule is "over sixteen") is given an "And Guest" indication that he or she may invite a date to the wedding.
0 It is improper not to allow an "And Guest" to single adults as a way to save money or open up spaces to additional guests.
0 Included in the singles list are elderly guests, who should be allowed to bring a date, friend, or assistant.
0 If a single guest responds that she's bringing a fun friend of hers instead of a date (as you'd intended), you cannot tell her that she only gets an "And Guest" if she brings an actual date. ?You don't get to choose who your guests bring as a companion for the event.
0 The officiant must be invited to the reception, sParents Say...
"But you were their flower girl twenty years ago! We have to invite them!"
"But my friends are likely to give you much better gifts than your friends! We have to invite them!"

"But my friends are so much fun! We have to invite them!"

You Reply...
"I don't know them at all. I understand how you feel about this, but I'd rather invite friends and family that I'm close with. That couple will understand."
(Be careful not to let your jaw hit the floor. Parents who claim this one have lost sight of the true meaning of the day. Be understanding.)

"It's not the gifts that matter to us. It's having our closest friends there with us on the wedding day."

"I know your friends are fun, and it's great that you all have such a good time together. But I just don't have room on the guest list for any people who aren't very close to the two of us." Parents Say...
"But they're FAMILY! We have to invite them!"
You Reply...
"I wish we could invite all the cousins, all fifty of them. But it's just not possible. We're not close with them. You had to tell me some of their names, after all." (Give a smile here.) "So I'm sorry, but we'll have to put them on the backup list." along with his or her spouse or partner.
0 The wedding coordinator is counted as a guest, together with an assistant. Wedding coordinators, who are on the job, do not bring dates to weddings. But they do sit down to eat, which makes them part of the final guest count.
0 The same goes for the photographer and his or her assistant.
0 The DJ or band members
0 The videographer and assistant
0 Finally, the members of your wedding party are either invited together with their spouses, fiancé(e)s, or significant others, and single members of your wedding party are each given an "And Guest" as a matter of respect to them. Yes, they're paired up for the ceremony and the first dance, but it's an etiquette mistake not to give them an "And Guest" for the reception. They can choose to turn down the offer if they wish.
Ceremony Style Etiquette Cutting out the Kids
It's a common practice to eliminate guests' children from your wedding guest list, but you should invite your siblings' children even if they are not in the wedding party.
The #1 Etiquette Mistake in Cutting Guests from List
While it's not likely that your aunt and uncle who now live in New Zealand will be able to attend your wedding in Florida, you absolutely must invite them to the wedding. Never cut a guest from your list just because you assume they won't be able to come. It's hideous etiquette when close relatives hear about your wedding and don't receive the invitation they expect as a matter of family practice and honor. Sure, your aunt and uncle might not be likely to attend, but honor them with an invitation anyway. They just might hop on a plane to see you. If not, you're free to invite other guests.
The mirror image to this dilemma is sending invitations to guests you're sure won't come as a matter of family diplomacy only. They just might say yes, so be sure you've counted them in your final head count list.
The area that requires the most decorum, besides your wedding invitations (which we'll cover in Part 9), is your ceremony style. While the elements and expressions within your ceremony are highly important to you, it's essential that you follow proper etiquette for the type of ceremony you'll plan. It's a matter of honor and respect for a house of worship-if you'll have a religious wedding-or longstanding propriety in a secular ceremony of any type.
Religious Ceremonies
When you'll marry within any house of worship, they will dictate their rules of conduct to you. Some religions are known for being less exacting than others, and it is up to you to take these rules into consideration when you're deciding where to marry.
0 You may ask for permission to alter the traditional religious ceremony script, such as adding a musical interlude or writing your own vows. Your officiant must approve any changes you desire for your ceremony.
0 Never attempt to "go over the officiant's head" by slipping in new wording to your vows or sneaking some sheet music to the choir. You are a guest in the house of worship and must abide by the rules.
0 Your guests must be educated about the rules of the house as well. Be sure to include instructions ?in your wedding program, such as notification that flash photography is not allowed inside the house of worship.
Interfaith Ceremonies
If the two of you are of different faiths, you might decide to honor both of your belief systems by planning an interfaith wedding. These personally-styled ceremonies intertwine the rituals, readings, and symbolism of your religions.
0 You have two options regarding the officiants who will create the style and substance of your ceremony: hire one interfaith minister or have two separate officiants (one from each of your faiths) work together to conduct your ceremony. Each will then enact the rituals and readings of his or her faith.
0 Note that some houses of worship will not allow you to bring in a separate officiant from another religion. If you find yourself "stuck" in a situation such as this, search for a different house of worship that will allow you to bring in a separate officiant and thus style your ceremony the way you wish.
0 If you cannot find a willing house of worship to share officiating duties, or if your faiths are too conflicting by nature to realistically allow for one shared ceremony that expresses both sets of beliefs, it may be best if you plan a secular wedding. You can incorporate the readings and rituals you both cherish in your own styled ceremony led by a secular or non-denominational officiant.
0 If you hire an interfaith minister to cocreate your ceremony style with you, come prepared with your wishes on which elements you'd both like to include in your ceremony. Interfaith and non-denominational ministers tell me they appreciate a couple taking these preparatory steps, as it is their goal to help the couple plan a deeply meaningful and personalized ceremony. Partner with this expert as equals, in a respectful and open working manner.
0 If your interfaith situation just seems too complicated and your faiths do not mesh well, then you might opt to plan a civil ceremony.
Secular Ceremonies
0 A secular ceremony may include some religious elements, such as the readings of psalms and offerings to saints, but they do not take place in a house of worship.
0 You may host a secular ceremony anywhere you please, such as in a hotel ballroom, a garden, the beach, your home, and so on.
0 You'll either hire a licensed independent minister to perform your ceremony, or you'll find out at your town hall or county courthouse which accredited authorities you may hire to officiate your wedding. Different states have differ?ent rules about who may conduct wedding ceremonies legally, so check your state's laws about having the mayor, a superior court judge, an appellate judge, a member of the town council, or even a friend who has been ordained conduct your ceremony.
0 You are free to set the formality level and style of your ceremony exactly as you wish as long as all of your plans work in tandem with your set formality and theme.
0 Secular officiants can "work" a wedding of any style. Ask your hired minister to show you his or her formal attire (such as robes) or informal attire choices (such as a suit or flowing dress with flowers). You may request that your officiant dress appropriately for the style and formality of your wedding.
Civil Ceremonies
0 A civil ceremony is a quick and simple process, often lasting only minutes. You'll be married at town hall, in the mayor's office, or at the justice of the peace.
0 You'll make an appointment for your civil ceremony and speak to the justice of the peace, for instance, about what's involved in their usual civil ceremony script. He or she may hand you the script, and you are allowed to ask for personalizations to the wording.
0 You will not be allowed to add musical numbers, additional rituals, or other time-stretching elements. The code of the civil ceremony is that it is designed to make your marriage legal. Once your lic...

About this edition

• Publisher: Sourcebooks Casablanca
• Publication date: 2005
• ISBN 10: 1402205120
• ISBN 13: 9781402205125
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 256