Mission Accomplished! Or How We Won the War in Iraq: The Experts Speak - Softcover

Cerf, Christopher

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1416569936 ISBN 13: 9781416569930

Publisher: Simon & Schuster, 2008

Synopsis

Mission Accomplished! Or How We Won the War in Iraq is the definitive collection -- systematically categorized, indexed, and footnoted for your convenience -- of authoritative misinformation, disinformation, misunderstanding, miscalculation, egregious prognostication, boo-boos, and just plain lies, about the Iraq War.

"Never before has such a large and diverse group of experts been so unanimously in favor of a particular national policy as they were in the case of the U.S. invasion of Iraq," note Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky, who, as co-founders of the Institute of Expertology, the nation's leading purveyor of expertise on expertise, were uniquely qualified to assemble this impressive collection. "In the face of such a consensus, we had no choice but to ask ourselves, 'Could the iron law of expertology -- the experts are never right -- be wrong?'"

At once an entertainment, a cautionary tale, a critique of mass media, a reference tool, and a postwar manifesto, Mission Accomplished! presents, as no book has before, the collective wisdom of all those who are presumed to know what they talking about on the subject of America's adventure in Iraq. As this hilarious, yet depressing, volume demonstrates, they don't.

From MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

"Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed."

-- President George W. Bush, May 1, 2003

"[Insurgents] pose no strategic threat to the United States or to the Coalition Forces."

-- L. Paul Bremer III, Administrator of the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq, November 17, 2003

"Military action will not last more than a week."

-- Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor, January 23, 2003

"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."

-- President George W. Bush, at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, December 10, 2001

About this title

About the Author

Christopher Cerf is an Emmy and Grammy award-winning author, composer, and producer. A charter contributing editor of the National Lampoon, Cerf has written more than 300 songs for Sesame Street and co-edited the celebrated newspaper parody Not The New York Times.

Victor S. Navasky is the publisher emeritus of The Nation and chairman of The Columbia Journalism Review. He is the author of the National Book Award-winner Naming Names and A Matter of Opinion. In 1984, with Mr. Cerf, he cofounded the Institute of Expertology.

Robert Grossman's illustrations have appeared in The New York Times, The Nation, The New Yorker, The New York Observer, Rolling Stone, and many other publications.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

PROLOGUE

PART I

Saddam Hussein: "A Force for Peace in the Middle East"

In 1983 and 1984, Donald Rumsfeld, then a special envoy for the Reagan administration, traveled to Baghdad for meetings with President Saddam Hussein designed to "improve understanding" between the United States and Iraq. Rumsfeld brought Hussein several gifts, including a set of medieval spiked hammers and a pair of golden cowboy spurs. In its report on these meetings, the Christian Science Monitor noted that, as a sign of warming relations between the two nations, the U.S. government had recently "removed Iraq's name from a list of countries alleged to support terrorism."

Access to Persian Gulf oil and the security of key friendly states...are vital to U.S. national security...Normal relations between the United States and Iraq would serve our longer-term interests and promote stability in the Gulf and the Middle East.

President George H. W. Bush, National Security Directive 26, paving the way for $1 billion in new U.S. loan guarantees to Iraq, October 2, 1989

I have been sitting here and listening to you for about an hour, and I am now aware that you are a strong and intelligent man and that you want peace. I believe, Mr. President, that you can be a very influential force for peace in the Middle East.

Senator Howard Metzenbaum (D-OH), speaking to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein at a meeting between Hussein and American senators in Mosul, Iraq, April 12, 1990

I enjoy meeting candid and open people [like you].

Senator Alan K. Simpson (R-WY), Republican Whip of the Senate, speaking to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein at a meeting between Hussein and American senators in Mosul, Iraq, April 12, 1990

Access to Persian Gulf oil and the security of key friendly states are vital to U.S. national security...Iraq...is clearly a power with interests inimical to our own.

President George H. W. Bush, National Security Directive 54, launching the First Gulf War, January 15, 1991

PART II

Premonitions of Liberation

Editors' Note: Pedants may argue that these "premonitions of liberation" more properly belong on page 42, where the attitudes of authoritative Americans on the eve of invasion are presented. Perhaps such objections would be justified.

Indeed, if this were a work of formal scholarship, we would have used the following few pages to present an abstract of our study. But we are, of course, committed to making our data comprehensible to the lay community. Therefore, rather than provide an obfuscatory précis, we herewith present what nonscientists might think of as a preview of coming attractions.

Dancing in the streets of Baghdad will be even more joyous than that in Kabul after its liberation.

Kenneth Adelman, member of the Defense Policy Board at the U.S. Department of Defense, February 13, 2002

After liberation, the streets in Basra and Baghdad are sure to erupt in joy.

Vice President Dick Cheney, August 26, 2002

If we come to Baghdad, Damascus and Tehran as liberators, we can expect overwhelming popular support.

Michael Ledeen, Freedom Scholar at the American Enterprise Institute, September 2002

We shall be greeted, I think, in Baghdad and Basra with kites and boom boxes.

Fouad Ajami, professor of Middle East studies at Johns Hopkins University, assessing the likely outcome of an American invasion of Iraq, October 7, 2002

There will...occur in Iraq a...[show of military force] rapid and accurate and overwhelming enough to deal with an army or a country many times the size of Iraq...And that will be greeted by the majority of Iraqi people and Kurdish people as a moment of emancipation, which will be a pleasure to see...Bring it on.

Christopher Hitchens, journalist, January 28, 2003

I think they will be greeted with sweets and flowers in the first months and simply have very, very little doubts that that is the case...This is a remarkable situation in which the population of a country that's about to have a war waged over its head positively wants the war.

Kanan Makiya, Islamic scholar, March 17, 2003

I don't want to make a prediction...but you're going to find, and this is very important, you're going to find Iraqis out cheering American troops.

Paul Wolfowitz, U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense, February 23, 2003

The terrified and brutalized people of Iraq will rejoice at the downfall of Saddam Hussein. And when we finally smash his evil regime suddenly those countries that doubt us will have their eyes opened.

Richard Perle, Chairman, Defense Policy Board, February 23, 2003

The Iraqi people understand what this crisis is about. Like the people of France in the 1940s, they view us as their hoped-for liberator.

Paul Wolfowitz, U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense, March 11, 2003

My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.

Vice President Dick Cheney, March 16, 2003

I believe...that the Iraqi people will greet us as liberators.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ), March 20, 2003

IN FACT

A poll commissioned by the Coalition Provisional Authority in May 2004, just thirteen months after U.S. troops entered Baghdad, showed that Iraqis who viewed American-led forces as "liberators" numbered only 2 percent of those polled.

Copyright © 2008 by Christopher Cerf Associates, Inc., and Victor S. Navasky

Illustrations copyright © 2008 by Robert Grossman

INTRODUCTION

It is, of course, twenty-four years since the Institute of Expertology issued its first findings. For those who may have been too young to see our study, or are too old to remember it, we recall that, not withstanding the best efforts of the Institute's worldwide cadre of researchers, we were unable to identify a single expert who was right. At the time, despite these findings, our scholarly integrity compelled us to concede the statistical probability that in theory the experts might be right as much as half the time. It was simply that we hadn't found any.

And this was despite our expansive definition of who qualifies as an expert. We use the term expert to designate people who, by virtue of celebrity, official status, formal title (military or civilian), academic degree, professional license, public office, journalistic beat, quantity of publications, and/or use of highly technical jargon, are presumed to know what they are talking about. Trust us, they don't.

However, when we decided to undertake a scholarly monograph with the working title "Expertology and the Iraq War: How Could So Many Have Been Misled by So Few?," we began to fear that our hypothesis -- that once again the experts got it wrong -- was erroneous. Our researchers deluged us with information, all of which showed such a historic unanimity of opinion on the war questions that the intellectual foundations of the Institute itself were shaken.

Certainly, indeed clearly, as Secretary of State Rice (one of the typically articulate experts represented in this particular volume) likes to say, we can state without fear of contradiction, based on a careful review of the Institute of Expertology archives, that never before in history has there been such a distinguished cast of experts as the one we have assembled here on the Iraq War. These are not your average experts. Our database consists of the highest government officials, diplomats, cabinet officers, four-star generals, bigfoot pundits, prize-winning Middle East scholars, top think-tank strategists, heads of congressional committees, the leadership of the Central Intelligence Agency, and such. Moreover, the database is transpartisan, featuring leading neoconservatives and liberals alike.

Thus, as responsible scholars, we tentatively had to consider the possibility that our scores of highly trained expertise experts at the Institute of Expertology were wrong in saying the experts were never right. In the case of America's adventure in Iraq, we seemed to have a clear exception to the Iron Law of Expertise. For never before in history has such a large and diverse group of experts been so unanimously in favor of a particular national policy as has this group in the case of the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Could it be that we at the Institute were wrong?

Let us say in our defense that our work in the past covered many fields of expertise, including science, religion, music, literature, and economics. In those cases, the problems of identifying expertise were more complex and multifaceted. Frequently the experts disagreed with one another. In this study, however, we are concerned with but a single question: the wisdom of the United States invading and waging war in Iraq. On this clear question, we have uncovered an astonishing level of unanimity across the board. In the face of such unanimity, how could we, as scientific expertologists, say, "The experts were wrong"?

The temptation was to succumb to the weight of what appeared to be the evidence. Moreover, as patriotic Americans, we were as eager as our fellow countrymen to take pride in our country's triumphs so persuasively proclaimed by our brilliant, keenly intelligent, high-IQ, perspicacious homegrown opinion leaders -- "Made in the USA."

Of course, as scrupulous scholars, we planned to report and not suppress the fact that there was and is a small group of dissenters from this Great Consensus, but they are for the most part ordinary ...

About this edition

• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Publication date: 2008
• ISBN 10: 1416569936
• ISBN 13: 9781416569930
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 304