Brave Girls: Raising Young Women with Passion and Purpose to Become Powerful Leaders - Softcover

Stacey Radin

Softcover

ISBN 10: 145169931X ISBN 13: 9781451699319

Publisher: Atria Books, 2016

Synopsis

“A solid resource for parents and educators” (Kirkus Reviews), Brave Girls is an empowering guide to cultivating confident, passionate, and powerful young leaders during the most formative stage of life: the middle school years.

After years of research as a psychologist and consultant for women struggling in the professional world, Stacey Radin made a groundbreaking realization: women who become successful leaders learn how to do so in the middle grades—the most formative stage in a girl’s development and self-identification. Drawing on her own experience with Unleashed, an after-school program dedicated to empowering girls through puppy rescue, Radin has written Brave Girls­—the ultimate guidebook for anyone who wants to help girls become confident, passionate, and powerful leaders.

At a pivotal time in their lives, girls learn to advocate for others, think critically, and, most importantly, gain confidence in their ability to create change. Perfect for “anyone concerned with girls and women’s lives” (New York Times bestselling author Michael Gurian), Brave Girls shows how contributing to one cause can shape a leader for life while reducing the hazards of middle school—bullying, excessive competition, fear of speaking out—and identifying the patterns that truly make a difference. If we take initiative early enough, we can inspire today’s girls to become the next generation of strong, enthusiastic, and fulfilled leaders in all areas of society.

About this title

About the Author

Stacey Radin is a psychologist, researcher, and consultant who has dedicated her career to the development of girls and women. She is the founder and president of Corporate Equilibrium, specializing in the psychology of organizational effectiveness, and a member of the United Nation’s Working Group on Girls.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Brave Girls Chapter 1

“Who Am I?”: The Girl Problem

Madison was your typical girlie girl, long, blond hair, giggles, and flirtation. Eleven years old when she started Unleashed, I noticed she talked—a lot—about looks, weight, and boys. She had more curves than many of her classmates, and she knew it, flaunting them in belly shirts and tight tank tops. Most girls adopt a persona at this age, whether it is “the athlete” or “the mean girl” or “the class clown,” because they are unaware of who they are. Madison was trying on the role of “sexy girl.”

As the weeks progressed, I noticed a marked decrease in her comments about makeup, eating disorders, and cute football players. She attended an animal rescue and worked with potential adoptive parents; I even named a puppy after her to honor the stellar job she did writing and organizing a skit on dog euthanasia for a schoolwide presentation. Madison began to realize the impact she could have on the world—and that that impact had nothing to do with her looks. One day she told me, “I love Elle Woods—she’s so powerful.” Elle Woods is a pink-obsessed sorority girl played by Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde, who strategically enrolls at Harvard Law School to win back her ex-boyfriend. To an outsider, Madison’s comment might seem worrisome, but I was thrilled. I told her, “I agree! Elle is a fabulous role model for girls because she’s so much more than her veneer. She was passionate about a cause and enlisted her fellow sorority girls to get things done.” Unleashed helped Madison find a way to blend her girlishness with a sense of power and, like Elle, became a modern-day feminist.

Adolescence is the stage of life most marked by identity development. The overriding quest is to answer the daunting question “Who am I?” At no other time in a woman’s life will she face as many physiological, psychological, cognitive, and social-emotional changes as during her adolescent years. Newly acquired reasoning skills, hormonal fluctuations, and differences in her social milieu thrust a young girl full speed ahead into self-discovery and experimentation. But this exciting new phase of development is complicated by other factors that make it surprisingly difficult for a girl to answer the question “Who am I?” Our society is largely male dominated, deeming men’s experiences and developments the prototypes for cultural norms. In 2015, girls and women still struggle to establish a strong sense of self in an environment flooded with pressure to conform to expectations that disregard the uniqueness of a female’s experience. The developmental theories studied in school by the next generation of psychologists remain largely based on the clinical observations and research of men such as Kohlberg, Freud, Erikson, and Piaget, who either minimize gender differences or go as far as viewing females as deviants from the norm. Erikson states, when discussing the adolescent girl, “Female identity is held in abeyance while attracting men.”1 Freud believed the superego (an individual’s executive functioning) was compromised in women, labeling them incapable of having a sense of justice as compared to men. And Piaget, who exerted tremendous influence on our educational system, discussed how girls lack respect for rules because they are willing to make exceptions if necessary (adding that respect for rules is highly correlated to morality). What meaning does this have for girls and women? As girls embark on their journey to discover their passions, values, and strengths, they confront the harsh reality that they may need to morph their identities to assimilate and succeed.

We live in a world that places great emphasis on autonomy, independence and self-sufficiency. But a relational, interconnected approach is the cornerstone of a female’s psychological health and growth. Researchers such as Carol Gilligan and Peggy Orenstein continuously report women’s and girls’ identities are defined in accordance with relationships, intimacy, and communities, motivated by a sense of connection to their world; empathy and mutuality are instrumental to their functioning. These vast differences in psychological models of health result in the distortion of a woman’s experience as pathological or insufficient. Societal perceptions dampen our females’ ability to develop authentic identities; instead of asking themselves “Who am I?” the question becomes “Who am I supposed to be?”

Worsening matters, middle school girls are not used to having leadership programs designed specifically for them. Most after-school programs focus on elementary-school children or high school and college women, rendering middle school a developmental purgatory. (According to the Afterschool Alliance, nearly 4 million sixth through eighth graders find themselves unsupervised after school.)2

There is a popular misconception about this group: People categorize middle school girls as oppositional, difficult to work with, and hard to engage. The media depicts them as self-involved, superficial, materialistic mean girls. Even psychologists and teachers confess to reluctantly working with sixth-, seventh-, and eighth-grade girls, easily overwhelmed by sassy retorts, vacillation from one emotional state to another, or being stonewalled with silence.

But what others tag as oppositional, I view as feisty, passionate, and eager to experiment. In my eyes, these girls are diamonds in the rough: unique, possessing great potential, and capable of shining brilliantly when succeeding. What they need is a trusted adviser to actively listen to their ideas and thoughts, empathize with their experiences, and guide and navigate them as they weather the storm. Our girls need adults who will provide them with opportunities to take risks and embrace ownership of projects for which they care deeply. Given the right tools, middle school girls will fly.

Unleashed fills a void created by society, providing girls with a forum to develop a strong sense of self. The organization is largely based upon my model of power, developed from the research I conducted studying powerful women (which will be discussed at greater length in chapter 4). The model integrates personal power, relational power, and assertive power to form a triumvirate, each component as critical as the others. Developing a strong identity and an authentic sense of self is largely contingent upon strengthening a girl’s personal power. Its basic tenets include identifying and leveraging values, strengths, passions, and needs; tapping into empathy and emotional intelligence; strengthening self-esteem and confidence; and increasing self-awareness and insight.

“What do you think Unleashed is about?” I ask the group in our first meeting.

“Puppies!” shouts back Tess, a ten-year-old redhead wearing a tank top and blue Converse high-tops. “Doggy rescue!” calls out Maia, a twelve-year-old with wire-rimmed glasses and wavy brunette hair. It is my job to fill in the blanks: “Yes, it’s all of that . . . and more. It’s about being a powerful girl and having a voice. It’s about fighting for something you believe in. It’s about a concept called social justice and why animal welfare and rights are much more important than you might think. And it’s about learning how to work well with other girls while you learn so much about yourself.” Within minutes of the first session, they are already learning, absorbing information, but this is unlike any education received in school.

On that first day of Unleashed, the classroom hums with energy and excitement. The air is filled with both promise and hesitation: The girls know they will be working with dogs, but they have no idea about the personal transformation they are about to undergo. For most of them, this will be their first experience where their opinions will be heard, their points of view valued, and their leadership skills utilized.

“I’m Stacey,” I say, introducing myself. “I’m the founder of Unleashed, and the reason I’m here is because I believe girls deserve to have a voice.” My words are often met with skeptical looks, and I can practically see the words scrolling across their foreheads like a news ticker on the bottom of a television screen: “Who is this woman? And how do I know I can trust her?” It is depressing to say, but by the age of nine or ten, girls have already been forced to put up with being patronized, condescended to, or treated as “less than” by teachers, parents, and society at large. With few exceptions, they have had at least one experience where an adult, consciously or not, behaved differently toward them than they would a boy. It could be as overt as being denied the opportunity to try out for a sport because they are not male, or more subtle, such as when they report feeling passed over by teachers to serve as leaders of group projects. So now, to have a stranger telling them she believes in them, that they have the power to make a change in the world? They simply do not trust that it is possible.

Unleashed is an all-female program for a reason: Not only does society hinder girls’ quest for an authentic identity, it fails to provide girls and women with opportunities to be different; it also reinforces the building of fences between various groups and the establishment of cliques. During the first few sessions of Unleashed, many of the girls, ranging in age from fifth to eighth grade, are strangers, despite sitting next to each other in algebra or passing by one another in the hallway daily.

From the popular cheerleader or soccer star to the computer whiz, an Unleashed team encompasses many different types of girls with one common passion: animal rights. Yet they feel intimidated by one another. The Unleashed philosophy is to align with the developmental trajectory of women, their need for community and relationships, fostering a sense of sisterhood.

Middle school girls are greatly in need of this intimacy with and connections to others. Girls thrive in supportive social settings, experiencing autonomy in a different way from boys; they are able to better assert their independence when they feel connected; and attachment to others is a vital component of their identity. Without these strong connections, girls and women feel isolated and dissatisfied. While some might view dependency and interrelatedness as weaknesses, I strongly adhere to the notion that women and girls assume a position of strength when they are able to create a shared experience among them. Ultimately, when females defy the need to conform to gender biases and stereotypes, ignoring the shoulds and shouldn’ts placed before them, a strong sense of self will ensue.

Keeping in line with girls’ need for shared experiences, every Unleashed session launches with a Check In. Not only does the Check In serve as a transition from school to social-justice mode, it also functions in several other capacities. First, it offers me a snapshot of the girls’ personalities. On the first day, I can get a sense of who is willing to take a risk and speak up first, versus those who are reluctant to even whisper their name and grade aloud. For every girl who craves the spotlight and takes the floor with ease—“I’m Gemma! I’m eleven years old and I have a Goldendoodle named Cookie at home and a little brother named Asher and last week my mom let me see Justin Bieber in concert and OMG we had fourteenth-row seats!”—there is one who rarely participates in school because she fears raising her hand and using her voice. These initial impressions help me establish individualized goals to enhance each girl’s personal power. As sessions progress, Check In allows me to pose a provocative question to inspire the girls to dig deeper, think critically about issues that impact them, and discuss what it feels like to be female—the challenges faced and how to manage them effectively. Check In conveys the message that Unleashed was designed as a space to develop and hone their sense of power, to figure out who they are, how they relate to others, and to build their dreams for the future. Middle school girls need an outlet to openly express their confusion about identity (who they are and whom they are supposed to be); articulating their ideas and challenges aloud each week helps them clarify their self-perceptions in the context of their peers’ experiences.

Unfortunately, opportunities for girls to speak about their unique experiences of being a female in today’s world are limited. Check In often lasts for a half hour because girls crave a forum to explore issues that are not addressed in school. As they become aware that their feelings are not abnormal, it sets a tone to deeply explore who they are based on strengths, how they describe themselves, and their visions for the future. By the end of the program, Check In responses reflect an identity that is much more crystallized than in the beginning sessions.
Identifying Values in the Search for Self

Identifying, leveraging, and aligning behavior with values is critical for our current and future generations of powerful women. A girl’s identity is largely predicated on her core values. As she experiments, faces new situations, and is exposed to new ideas and information, she constantly reevaluates her decisions. Observing this, one might perceive a middle school girl as fickle or noncommittal; she seems to be constantly changing her mind about friends, clothing style, music, and interests. But this process is a prerequisite for crystallizing a strong sense of self; in its absence she resigns herself to accepting the personality characteristics she first tests out, never knowing what could have been if she continued her search.

Up until now, girls have mirrored their parents’ values, accepting them as truth. During adolescence, they begin questioning those values and rethinking if those values make sense to them. Defiance is a healthy part of identity development as they establish themselves as separate individuals who are capable of having their own thoughts and opinions. As they mature, it will be essential to keep their sense of self intact by refusing to veer from what is most important.

Many times I have heard women recount situations where they compromised their values because of pressure to conform. Our goal in Unleashed is to lay the groundwork for the girls to develop mental templates so they are equipped to manage adversity throughout their lives. During one session, I hand out a sheet of paper that lists fifty values—family, beauty, education, honesty, self-confidence—and ask the girls to circle those that appeal to them, gradually narrowing it down to their top five. What values resonate most with them and how do they manifest those in various aspects of their lives? I explain that powerful and ethical leaders know their values, align their behavior to correspond to those values, and recognize when they are straying. Most girls tell me they have never even thought about what is most important to them, let alone prioritized their principles. When we debrief their insights, they openly discuss how much they have learned about themselves, and they now see how their values can be similar yet different from those of other girls without destroying their relationships. Over the twelve weeks, we strive for increased self-awareness, which has a direct, positive effect on identity and sense of ...

About this edition

• Publisher: Atria Books
• Publication date: 2016
• ISBN 10: 145169931X
• ISBN 13: 9781451699319
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 304