Kumquat - Softcover

Strand, Jeff

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1500404594 ISBN 13: 9781500404598

Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2014

Synopsis

From the "wickedly funny" Jeff Strand (says Publishers Weekly) comes a comedy about love, death, hot dogs, TV, and obscure fruit.

Thirty-five-year-old introvert Todd Bryan hasn't really done much with his life, and he's okay with that. Until, at a painfully bad film festival, he meets Amy Husk. She's attractive. She's funny. She's quirky. And...she has an inoperable brain aneurysm and not much time to live. She may not even make it to the long-awaited final episode of EXIT RED, the Greatest. Show. Ever.

She convinces him that they should do something crazy and frivolous. And suddenly Todd, a guy who doesn't do spontaneity, is on an insane road trip from Florida to Rhode Island with a woman he barely knows, just to visit a really cool hot dog place.

Many things will go wrong. But, hey, many things will go right, too. There's a hook-handed hitchhiker and some property destruction. Maybe some sex. A kumquat will probably be relevant at some point, although not during the sex (if there is any).

A laugh-out-loud comedy, a touching love story, and a cross-country adventure, KUMQUAT is a story about making the most out of the time you've got.

If that doesn't interest you, there's also a gummi bear tractor.

About this title

From the Author:

Hi. I'm Jeff Strand, the author of KUMQUAT, the novel you're seriously considering buying at this very moment. As the author, I'm not allowed to post a review of this book, but I assure you that my FIVE STARS BEST BOOK EVER WOO-HOO BUY IT NOW!!!! review would be based on an unbiased, thoughtful analysis of the material.
 As your mouse pointer hovers over the "Buy Now" button, you may be 98% ready to make that all-important click, but need an extra 2% of encouragement to be sure that KUMQUAT is right for you. Therefore, I have provided this handy self-assessment:
1. Do you like funny books?

If "YES," then you may very well be the perfect audience for this novel! Congratulations on your exquisite taste! You're pretty much a total match at this point, but we want to make sure you're entirely comfortable with your purchase, so continue to question #2 below.
If "NO," then this is not a novel that matches your taste profile. Purchasing a copy for yourself is not recommended at this time, but no doubt you have a friend and/or loved one who enjoys this type of fiction. Don't they deserve a gift? 
2. Do you like romantic books?
If "YES," then this book is totally romantic. It's a poignant love story. You'll be all over this one, I promise. Skim the reviews. C'mon, romantic comedy! You know you want this book! Proceed to question #3.
If "NO," then please do not read the above sentence. It's not all THAT romantic. I mean, there's love and stuff, but there are lots of parts that aren't even remotely kissy. It's a nutty comedy! You'll get through the lovey bits, I promise.
3. Do you like books about road trips?
If "YES," then, oh, do I have a treat for you! This is a road trip book! That's, like, the whole premise! The characters are going on a road trip from Florida to Rhode Island! It's as if I gazed into your soul when I wrote this. There's really no reason for you to hesitate on clicking that "Buy Now" link, but, go ahead, proceed to question #4 if you really must.
If "NO," then...really? You're anti-road trip novel? Why? What's wrong with road trip novels? Is it because you've had bad experiences on road trips before? Did you get crammed into the back seat of a car with no A/C and a bratty sibling? Sorry I brought back the bad memories. Look, I don't want you to go into nightmare flashbacks, so I'm going to be honest and say that KUMQUAT is not going to be your best bet for your entertainment dollar. I've written a bunch of other books, so feel free to purchase one of those instead.
4. Do you like hot dogs?
If "YES," mmmmm...I like hot dogs, too! There are hot dogs in this book! Proceed to question #5.
If "NO," eeeeww..hot dogs are gross. There are no hot dogs in this book!* Proceed to question #5.
*Okay, that was a lie. There are hot dogs in this book. But they're fictional hot dogs. No pig tails or cow hooves were murdered in the writing of this novel.
5. Have you ever done anything you regret?
If "YES," then I've got photographs that I can be convinced not to release to the public. Purchase KUMQUAT immediately.
If "NO," then you should know that KUMQUAT is a novel about moving outside of your comfort zone. Be spontaneous! Do something crazy! Like...how about buying a book with the title KUMQUAT? Nobody buys books called KUMQUAT! Go for it! Succumb to temptation! Release your inner whirlwind!
I think that's enough. You've probably made up your mind by now. If you've read this far and decided that KUMQUAT is not a novel you will be purchasing at this time, that's okay. No hard feelings. I mean, I did do this whole write-up, but that's okay, I probably would've squandered this time goofing off on social media anyway.

If you've decided to buy it, you are the reason that people are awesome. I owe you a hug. 

About the Author:

Jeff Strand is the author of a bunch of books, including A Bad Day For Voodoo, Pressure, Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), and Dead Clown Barbecue. He has emceed the Bram Stoker Awards banquet six (!) times, and will be emceeing a seventh (!) time in 2015. If you were looking at the listing of Kumquat and thinking, "This does look like a delightful romp, but I prefer to read books by authors who have emceed an awards banquet no fewer than five times," well, your decision has now been made. He loves hot dogs, gummi bears, and yogurt. Sadly, there is no yogurt in Kumquat.

About this edition

• Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
• Publication date: 2014
• ISBN 10: 1500404594
• ISBN 13: 9781500404598
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 248