The Inflatable Butch: New Funny Stuff

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9781555835699: The Inflatable Butch: New Funny Stuff

Ellen Orleans, the Lambda Literary Award-winning author of The Butches of Madison County returns with an insightful and hilarious collection of essays that examine pressing and important questions such as "Do you have gay fingers?" With keen insight and flawless comic sensibility, Ellen Orleans recounts her encounters with the Lesbian Intervention squad as she attempts to keep a mismatched couple from moving in together, and finally, finally earns her lesbian merit badge!

Ellen Orleans is the author of four previous books published by Laugh Lines Press: Still Can't Keep a Straight Face, The Butches of Madison County (1996 Lambda Literary Award Winner) Who Cares If It's a Choice, and Can't Keep a Straight Face. She lives in Boulder Colorado.

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About the Author:

Ellen Orleans is the author of four previous books published by Laugh Lines Press: Still Can't Keep a Straight Face, The Butches of Madison County (1996 Lambda Literary Award Winner) Who Cares If It's a Choice, and Can't Keep a Straight Face. She lives in Boulder Colorado.

Excerpt. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.:

The Inflatable Butch

While traveling by plane, I love to flip through the complimentary catalog of upscale products. This month, I was quite taken with "Safe-T Man: Your Superior Bodyguard."

According to the catalog, Safe-T Man is "a life-size, simulated male that appears to be 180 lbs. and 6 feet tall." Made of inflatable vinyl, he "gives others the impression that you have the protection of a male guardian in your home or car." All this for only $99.95, repair patch included. (The dual-action pump is sold separately.)

Safe-T Man looks incredibly real--or so claims the copy--with his positionable latex hands and air-brushed facial highlights. But my favorite line in Safe-T Man's description is "When not keeping vigil, Safe-T Man can be deflated, stored, and transported in an optional tote bag." Ah, were all men so easy.

Even though he's marketed as a bodyguard, this fellow has a multitude of practical applications. Closeted lesbian couples could use Safe-T Man as Cover-Man. That's right, just stick him on a recliner in front of ESPN, then, if friends from work unexpectantly drop by, you can point out to your guests that your "man" is in the TV room, engrossed in the game, while you and your "friend" practice various massage strokes on each other.

And bopping around town with Safe-T Man in your car, you'd not only add to your heterosexual front, but you'd also be complimented for choosing a sensitive new-age guy who's safe enough in his masculinity to let you drive.

Of course, what I'm waiting for is not Safe-T man, but Safe-T Butch, the inflatable diesel dyke bodyguard. Dress her in black jeans and work boots, stick a wrench in one of those positionable latex hands, and nobody's gonna mess with either of you.

But that's just the beginning. Need a quick date for a party? Just pull Safe-T Butch out of her tote bag and inflate away. Some friends may wonder why your new gal doesn't say much, but most folks know that old-school butches just aren't big talkers.

Is your old girlfriend snooping around your house, peeking in windows to see if you've got a new honey pot? Viewed through the window shade, Safe-T Butch will throw your ex off kilter, convincing her you've moved on to greener, albeit quieter, pastures.

But full-size plastic folks aren't the only ones for sale. Surely you know of "Billy," the first gay doll. GI Joe on steroids, this doll comes with cowboy, leatherman, sailor, and vacation outfits. And, the catalog promises, Billy is anatomically complete.

Just how complete? I wasn't sure until I happened upon a Billy doll in Key West's Flaming Maggie's. There I found a brunette version of Billy (he's also available in platinum blonde) clothed only in a pair of tiny black leather chaps, his anatomically complete member boldly on view. So how big is Billy? Simply put, he's hung like a horse. Proportionally, that is. Realistically, I had to feel sorry for the guy. Imagine if he were advertising in the personals. "Thick-chested gay white doll seeks companion for mutual admiration, exchange of outfits, and more. Me: Good-looking, clean-shaven, one-inch dick."

Which of course makes me wonder about Safe-T Man. How anatomically complete is this "incredibly realistic" fellow? And if he is, does that part of him require the dual-action pump?

All of which may make you wonder why I, a certified lesbian, am writing in such detail about a gay doll. Because, of course, I'm dreaming up the first out lesbian doll, Liz. Strong, competent, and visually striking, Liz is as comfortable in lipstick and power pumps as she is in flannel and running shoes. An accountant who can fix leaky faucets and cook a killer lasagna, Liz does it all. With eager women lined up around the block, Liz doesn't need a personal ad, but if she did run one, it would sound something like this: "Self-assured lesbian doll seeks soul mate for marathon training, foreign films, gourmet cooking. Me: smooth skin, firm breasts, 1/16 inch clit."

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