Parenting with Values: 12 Essential Qualities Your Children Need and How to Teach Them - Softcover

Kutik, Christiane

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1782504826 ISBN 13: 9781782504825

Publisher: Floris Books, 2018

Synopsis

What do we, as parents, need to give our children to ensure they grow up to be happy, well-balanced and resilient people?

Parenting tutor and mother of two Christiane Kutik tells us that, above all, children need their parents to give them strong values to help them find their way in life.

Many of us consider values to be an old-fashioned concept but Kutik suggests that by fostering twelve vital values, parents can provide their children with all the tools they need to flourish, to discover the worth of non-material rewards and to have an emotionally enriching life.

Parenting with Values encourages parents to reflect on which values they want to pass on to their children. In twelve short, easy-to-digest chapters, Kutik discusses the essential qualities that children need, and explains how each one is learned and passed on from parent to child.

The twelve essential values Kutik identifies are:

• Self-esteem
• Compassion
• Honesty
• Respect
• Sensibility
• Humor
• Security
• Capacity to manage conflict
• Independence
• Interest in the world
• Soulfulness
• Connection the natural world

This engaging and readable book is filled with practical everyday examples of values in action. It will provide inspiration for parents who wish to proactively encourage positive development in their children.

About this title

About the Author

Christiane Kutik is a mother of two, an interior designer, teacher and parenting consultant. She is a director at the IPSUM Institute in Munich, which trains parental advisors in early-years childcare. She gives lectures and seminars on practical issues relating to daily childcare and family life. She is the author of Stress-Free Parenting in 12 Steps.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Security
Comforting and calming A small boy falls over. His mother reaches for her bag and calls, ‘Wait a moment, where are the Arnica pills? ’
Another mother says: ‘Look here are some―I always carry them with me.’

The boy’s mother gives him the pills and asks a lot of questions: ‘Where does it hurt? Is it bad? Come on, tell me darling! ’
The sobbing child refuses to be comforted.
Compare that imagined scene with this one:
A small boy falls over. His mother picks him up, holds him, strokes his back. She sings quietly:
Three days of falling rain
Then the sun comes out again
And all will be well.
When I visualise this second scene, it is easy for me to imagine a child who is bumped but not badly hurt getting up from his mother’s lap soon afterwards and skipping off, comforted, the pain of the bump seemingly soothed. Children often calm down quite quickly when we hold them and sing to them―in other words, when they feel closeness and safety.
Security is a basic human need
Our need for security goes far beyond bumps on the knee and momentary comforting. One of the mothers I talked with when I was thinking about this book told me how aware she was that her daughter didn’t need most things that money could buy – expensive clothing and toys or big outings―rather she needed ‘a familiar, trusted, warm adult who is always there for her’.
Children are very much dependent on a benevolent Other who shows interest in them and gives them a sense of safety and security. This brings the feeling of being in the right place―of being ‘right’ altogether.
Children need ‘nest warmth’. They want to be accepted, to know: ‘This is where I belong, and this is where I get support and help.’
Children want to be loved Children want to feel they are loved just as they are and because of who they are. They need their parents to like them, and to show them they like them.
As parents, we can choose to show our children we like them as they are, rather than feeling we must always be urging them to change somehow: not to be so shy, to have more friends, to be more focused, more diligent, different.
Children thrive when they can blossom, when they aren’t constrained by having to live up to other people’s strong desires and feelings. Child psychologist Alice Miller talks about the importance of children feeling they can express their own self and their own feelings, perhaps especially the negative feelings. It is harmful to small children if they consistently feel they must be cheerful for the sake of others―that they cannot be sad or afraid or angry because others’ needs come first.
No time?
In the busy rush of modern life, it gets harder to give children a sense of security. Many parents are pressured with financial commitments, long office hours and daily stress. Many would love to spend more time with their children.
But then when they do have time to be with their children, parents are often physically present, but not fully available. Even babies can feel when others are distracted. Unsatisfied, they will keep demanding their parents’ attention.
Imagine a two year old on his balance bike.
He wants to show his mother a new trick.
‘Look Mummy! ’ he calls out happily, and lifts his feet up high as he rides.
But his mum is busy answering a message on her phone.
‘Mummy, look! ’ The child tries again.
‘Yes, I’m looking,’ she calls back. She glances up and then returns to her phone screen. ‘Mummy, why aren’t you looking? ’
‘But I’m here,’ she replies.
Being physically present isn’t enough for children
Being physically present but mentally absent won’t satisfy children’s need for security. They need their parents’ minds to turn to them. Children who sense that a device is more important than they are cannot feel secure.
Imagine how it feels inside when you at last get an outing with a parent you love, only for the parent to be constantly sending messages to other people.
Note, too, that babies can go for a long walk with their parent without being aware the parent is there, for example if the buggy faces forward and the parent is listening to headphones and never speaks to them.
What about cuddling in front of the TV?
Watching TV is something you can do together, but, again, it is distracted, so it won’t give children a full sense of security.

The father of a five year old argued with me on this.
‘We always watch together,’ he said. ‘She sits on my lap and I hold her.’ He added, ‘Sometimes it seems to me that cuddling is more important to her than the programme.’
‘If that’s the case,’ I asked him, ‘why do you bother turning the TV on at all? ’
He pondered that. Eventually he said, ‘You’re right, I suppose... It’s just a habit. I’ll try not having it on. I want to have real time with my daughter.’
There are better ways of being close to children than sitting together in front of a screen. Indeed some psychologists believe screens are harmful for babies and young children (see, for example, Manfred Spitzer, who researches brain development).
We are most in touch with children when...
...we engage personally and directly with them and talk with them. Often caregivers hold back from talking with their babies and small children because they believe little ones can’t understand them, so what is the point? But even in earliest infancy, babies are completely receptive to heartfelt contact, to a friendly face, to someone who smiles and nods at them. Smile at a child in a shopping queue or at the bus stop and see how their eyes open wide, how they start to smile back: how pleased they are. Then recognise how much more important it is that loved caregivers do this, given children’s reliance on direct contact with their parents and carers.
Consciously nurturing connection
We all have other things to do besides being with children, and yet children are more important than any task or message. Do show your children you know this: when you have time together try to avoid distractions and interruptions. Look and smile at your child, and chat with them. You’ll be rewarded with their shining eyes the moment they feel your real attention.
As well as consciously giving our full attention to children, there are many little rituals we can cultivate in daily life to help nurture security.
Greeting and taking leave are vital
Greeting children and taking leave of them attentively and lovingly are some of the most important tools we have for acknowledging them and fostering a sense of security. Be mindful of this, not just in the morning and evening, but also during the day. Give eye contact, a touch, a kiss or a few warm words.
Sadly, parents often make do with a cursory ‘Hello’ or go without greetings entirely, and tell me that their children don’t like affectionate gestures and words. But I would urge all parents and carers to persist in the attempt. Persevere with your affection: show your children that even if they are growing older they are too precious for you to simply pass by as you arrive or leave.
A father of teenagers told me: ‘In our family we have always greeted one another with warmth and I think it has had an impact on our children. People often think ours are especially easy children, that they rarely challenge us. But I wonder whether they are copying what we’ve modeled for them: they are treating us as we treat them.’
Warmth and respect are wonderful qualities to learn at home, and they flow from a deep sense of security.
One of the mothers attending a parenting course of mine decided to give her fourteen-year-old daughter a special greeting one morning. ‘It’s so lovely that you exist! ’ she said, looking at her and giving her a hug.
Surprised, her daughter replied, ‘Did you learn that at your course yesterday, Mum? ’
‘We both had to laugh,’ the mother reported. ‘But then we ate breakfast together and for the first time in months we really talked properly.’
Keeping in contact
Children long to be in real contact with people, especially with people they love. We cannot always be with them so we don’t know what they have confronted in a day―bullying? Small humiliations and unfairness? Disappointments? Pressure from other children to do things that aren’t comfortable? Disturbing images and stories? We can make all the difference if we are close enough to notice when our children are anxious or troubled. Children need parents who stand by them, and not only say ‘You can tell me everything’ but really mean it too. They need parents who stay in close contact.
How to listen when you think there’s a problem
Lea is nine years old. Her mother noticed that she hasn’t been herself recently. ‘What’s wrong? ’ her mother asked. ‘Is anything wrong at school? ’<
Lea looked down at the floor.
‘With the other children? ’
She shook her head.
‘Come on, tell me! ’ her mother urged. But because her daughter didn’t volunteer an immediate answer, she turned away, saying, ‘OK, if nothing’s wrong...’
Later, in a parenting workshop with me, she complained that her daughter wouldn’t tell her anything. Other parents confirmed they have the same experience with their children.
Children are not an information bureau. But when troubled, they do want to talk. Before they can open up, though, they need to be quite sure that Mum or Dad is really inwardly receptive, that they are genuinely willing to listen. In the workshop, we discussed how we can show we are open to hearing feelings.
The next time Lea’s mother noticed her nine year old worrying about something, she said, ‘Come on, let’s go for a little walk together.’
At first Lea didn’t want to. But in the end she came along.
Outside, walking side by side, it was easier to talk―especially because Lea’s mother remembered the discussion at the workshop and was careful not to pressure or probe her child.
Instead, after walking together for a while, she related a difficult situation she herself experienced as a child. And then she fell silent but stayed inwardly receptive, and carried on walking with her daughter.
Suddenly Lea started to speak.
It often takes time for children to open up. They only do so if they feel that the adult they are with is really willing to engage, and won’t just offer a pat answer for everything.
Giving time and being willing to engage is the way to nurture security.
And then sometimes the opening up can happen very spontaneously―perhaps at the weekend after a cushion fight in the parents’ bed, with much laughter and no losers.
And boundaries are important too
Giving security requires a listening, open presence. But it doesn’t mean living without boundaries, or giving limitless attention to every grievance and upset. When children overstep the mark, it remains our role to show them where the limits lie instead of mollycoddling them. Otherwise they learn to think of themselves as the centre of the universe around which everything else should revolve. Similarly, if we clear every stone from their path they never learn to endure frustration or rivalry.
Child psychoanalyst Judith Jackson says it is important for children to learn they are not the sole focus of the family. In households where one parent is with the children more than another, it can be a valuable role for the less-involved parent (often still the father) to notice and mention when they see children are failing to listen, or are taking advantage of the at-home parent and crossing boundaries.

Giving children security means following a middle path, listening, yet never simply governed by the children’s wishes. We need to watch that in our responses we are not motivated solely by seeking our children’s love―for children love their parents anyway, even if this isn’t always apparent.
To be able to give security we must also keep seeking our own equilibrium.

Edition details

• Publisher: Floris Books
• Publication date: 2018
• ISBN 10: 1782504826
• ISBN 13: 9781782504825
• Binding: Paperback
• Language: English
• Number of pages: 128