Beyond Blame : Reclaiming the Power You Give to Others - Softcover

Lukeman, Alex

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1880823144 ISBN 13: 9781880823149

Publisher: North Star Pubns, 1997

Synopsis

Beyond Blame is a controversial look at the problem of blame. The authors take the point of view that we can consciously resolve blaming behaviors and feelings of blame in our lives. When we do this, we reclaim significant power over our feelings and actions that we have unknowingly given away to others.

Alex and Gayle Lukeman give us an easy, step-by-step process we can follow to find our own, personal solution to the devastating influence of blame in our lives. Blame is seen as a spiritual challenge to successfully meet and overcome, a key to achieving peace and well-being.

In the first part of the book the reader is given a guided tour of the corrosive presence of blame in our society. Through true stories, today's headlines and personal example, racism, crime, violence, gun control, smoking and many other contemporary issues are looked at with an eye turned to the context of blame as an underlying and fundamental factor. Few readers are unaffected by the intensity of these issues, or escape the urge to blame when thinking about them.

After showing how blame affects all of us, the authors present a practical, simple, step-by-step process for getting through the issues surrounding blame and reaching our own, personal resolution for the destructive feelings and actions that result from blaming.

The last part of the book presents the idea that blame and the resolution of blame is a spiritual as well as an emotional challenge. It gives practical examples of how the authors and others have applied the principles given in the book to successfully resolve difficult issues of family, health and relationship that had been confused by blame and blaming behaviors. The book ends with a hopeful call for spiritual renewal and a better society.

About this title

From the Publisher

This book offers far more than the common view that blaming hurts others. Beyond Blame shows how we hurt ourselves when we blame other people. Authors Alex and Gayle Lukeman clearly explain what blame actually is, where it comes from, and how, when we stop blaming, we can reclaim the power we have unknowingly given away. What are the benefits of moving beyond blame? Nothing less, declare this husband-and-wife team, than a profound and abiding state of personal fulfillment.

Blame, the Lukemans argue, is a way of avoiding personal responsibility that has also become a devastating collective problem in modern life. In disowning personal responsibility, we give our personal power to others, then tend to believe that people out there are causing our problems. This fuels a negative cycle of finger-pointing, lack of accountability, general ineffectiveness, and societal decay. Beyond Blame (which offers practical advice and dynamic self-improvement techniques to help break the blame-cycle) will appeal to all those concerned with the erosion of time-honored values and the rise of destructive behavior in the world.

-- Provides empowering tools for taking charge of your life -- A real book about real issues in our lives with real solutions -- With vivid examples, shows how to reclaim personal power -- A way to resolve conflict by taking back your own power -- Touching the Divine by accepting personal responsibility -- Presents a possible way to transform our future -- Opens our minds to new possibilities in the way we deal with the world -- A book that lifts the burden of Blame -- An insightful tool to shift our paradigm

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

From - Chapter 1: Black and White

At that time in San Francisco there was a frightening series of murders taking place. These came to be known as the "Zebra" killings, because the murderers, who had been seen by several people on different occasions, were black and the victims were white. Two black men would drive up to the curb just as some white person was entering or leaving their house or walking down the street. They would greet the person, "Hi.", and then shoot them. The city was in mortal fear. Several people were dead. Whites felt very vulnerable.

Vulnerability brings feelings of anger, and anger is motivated by fear. How vulnerable did those cops feel? The city was focused on a series of what appeared to be racially motivated murders (this was actually the case, as came out later) and these were white cops in a black district in a black bar where someone was waiting to 'get' someone else. I think I might have been more than a little nervous, if I were them. That doesn't excuse the behavior; but I have compassion for how they must have felt.

I had made some real friends in the bar. When I went to the bank on Saturday nights with the bar receipts, two of them would walk with me to make sure I was safe. But when I walked home at 2:00 A.M. each night, I walked alone. The streets, normally busy, were completely deserted. It was an eerie feeling, and I definitely felt vulnerable in my whiteness walking through those streets at night. I was acutely sensitive to literally being a target for blame. There was a map showing the locations of the killings in the newspaper. I drew a line connecting the locations and saw that I was living in the exact center of a circle of murder. I decided that enough was enough. I had saved enough to get back to the East. I left two days later.

Who was to blame for the way people felt at that time and that place, about white and black? Was it the police? Was it the killers? Who were they blaming? Was it whites who didn't understand the blacks and why they were angry? Was it blacks, who were fed up with a white American culture which often refused to treat them as equal and fellow human beings? Was it really that simple when describing black or white cultures and thoughts about one another?

Everyone who blames the other for what doesn't work in race and cultural relations participates in the ongoing tragedy of racial discrimination. Blacks are certainly as prejudiced as whites and are as responsible for the ongoing discrimination as any one else, but whites had better be careful about saying so. Each race blames the other and perpetuates the polarization.

Whatever the historical realities were that led to the second class citizenship of African- Americans in today's society, they are not relevant to resolving the issue today except as they contribute to understanding the roots of the blame. I know that many in the black community will disagree with me about this. That is as may be, but one of the problems with blame is that it becomes the excuse for perpetuating the very situation which is experienced as painful.

There are no exceptions or excuses possible if we are going to be consistent in our discussion of blame and its effects. There is no place to go but forward. Back is not an option and the past is gone. The future is not here but will reflect our present efforts. All that we have to work with is in present time and it is from here that we must make the effort to move beyond our blame and accusations to the self responsibility and inner work which may ultimately heal the breach. White and Black are equally responsible for what happens next. The same is true for all of the other groups which experience discrimination.

Part of the quest for individual and cultural recognition leads through blame and through the often artificial creation of a sense of independent cultural identity. The trend seems to be ever increasing identification with a racial or ethnic sub-culture and tradition, often justified with blame of the traditional melting pot rationale and the white majority which is basic to the image of America. This has the result of polarizing all of us into our respective ethnic, religious, cultural or racial groupings, at the expense of the overall sense of nationhood. Similar patterns of separation and polarization based on ethnic and cultural identity may be seen all over the world.

This adversarial relationship is based mostly on blame. Revisionist historians now tell us that just about everything which occurred historically in the discovery, founding and expansion of our country was wrong and blameful. This in turn is presented as justification for almost any means of seeking retribution or redress for the blamers. Somehow life owes this to them. This is predictable behavior when the underlying rationale is blame. It is not only predictable, it is unavoidable.

There has never been a country in this world which was not founded upon the subjection or repression of someone, somewhere. This fact neither justifies nor condemns the acts of repression. It's just history. If we are going to get caught in the historical past, we might as well forget about creating a future which is free of such repressive acts. Blame will prevent a genuine resolution.

It remains to be seen if the process of claiming ethnic and racial identity and "roots" will ultimately succeed in contributing to a diverse and appreciative expression as one American nation. Since this is to a large degree motivated by blame it is just as likely to drive us into a process of fragmentation. The potential exists for creating oppression and a Bosnia like mentality of regressive and tribal perceptions. One thing is certain, if a good outcome is created it will be because blame was discarded, having served its purpose of stimulating the evolution of our collective American psyche.

There are many current examples of how blame is forcing us to evolve or regress as a nation. The issues based in blame which command our national attention provide an opportunity for each of us to choose whether we will support further confrontation and polarization or whether we will seek genuine resolution and constructive change. One of the central issues which brings out the pointing finger in many parts of the world is crime. Crime provokes great fear. Great fear is sure to foster blame.

About this edition

• Publisher: North Star Pubns
• Publication date: 1997
• ISBN 10: 1880823144
• ISBN 13: 9781880823149
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 170