Making Intimate Connections: Seven Guidelines for Great Relationships and Better Communication (Rebuilding Books) - Softcover

Ellis PhD, Albert; Crawford, Ted

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1886230331 ISBN 13: 9781886230330

Publisher: Impact, 2000

Synopsis

This is the first book to apply Dr. Ellis's famous “Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy” principles to intimate relationships. The seven guidelines for better couple communication offered in this user-friendly guide emphasize non-blaming acceptance, integrity, mutual support, appreciation, replacing irrational ideas and expectations with realistic attitudes. An effective resource for couples seeking greater closeness, intimate partners who are willing to make "unilateral" changes, marriage and family therapists -- a breakthrough relationship guide from the father of rational therapy.

About this title

About the Author

Dr. Albert Ellis (1913-2007) was the author of more than 65 books on psychotherapy, relationship therapy, and self-help, including Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better; Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy: A Therapist's Guide; Making Intimate Connections and How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable. He published over 700 articles and composed more than 200 rational songs.

Dr. Ellis was rated by psychologists and counselors in the United States as one of the most influential psychologists of our time. He "revolutionized" psychotherapy since 1955, when he created Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), the first of the now-popular cognitive behavior therapies. Dr. Ellis was a practicing psychologist, president of the Albert Ellis Institute in New York City, and a featured speaker at workshops and conferences throughout the world. He received many awards, including distinguished psychologist, scientific researcher, and distinguished psychological practitioner from several associations, including the American Humanist Association, American Academy of Psychotherapists, Society for the Study for Scientific Sex, American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and Academy of Psychologists in Marital and Family Therapy. He also earned one of the highest awards of the American Psychological Association: Distinguished Professional Contribution to Knowledge.  

Ted Crawford, as a young man, served in the US Army Air Corps in India and China. That experience inspired him to work toward prevention of war and other types of conflict. He developed a profound knowledge of semantics, and studied Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy with Albert Ellis. Ted's major contributions include the system of Revolving Discussion Sequence and other processes for overcoming differences and disagreements.

From the Back Cover

MAKING INTIMATE CONNECTIONS

Seven clear guidelines for better couple communication, together with Albert Ellis' famous "Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy" principles, make this book a powerful resource for couples. It's a user-friendly guide that emphasizes non-blaming acceptance, integrity, mutual support, appreciation, and replacing irrational ideas and expectations with realistic attitudes.

"...clearly points the way to satisfying and lasting intimacy...filled with wise and rational alternatives... easy-to-follow... a gem." --Arnold A. Lazarus, Ph.D., ABPP Distinguished Professor Emeritus of Psychology Rutgers University

"This is a down-to-earth book that reflects much practical wisdom about intimate communication. It will be useful to practitioners and clients alike. I recommend it highly." --Michael Mahoney, Ph.D. Author of HUMAN CHANGE PROCESSES and CONSTRUCTIVE PSYCHOTHERAPY

"A breath of fresh air... Seven simple guidelines to improving interpersonal communication -- new, easy to apply and fun to follow." --Cyril M. Franks, Ph.D. Distinguished Professor Emeritus of Psychology Graduate School, Rutgers University

"This is a book for people who have spent a lifetime messing up their relationships with other people... I recommend it very, very strongly for anyone with any difficulty at all getting along with anyone else and that means, literally, everyone." --William Glasser, M.D. Author of REALITY THERAPY IN ACTION

"...of interest to all who labor in the field of marriage counseling... seven basic guidelines that all in this field should consider in the attempt to generate happy relations between couples, married and not married." --Raymond Corsini, Ph.D. Editor of CURRENT PSYCHOTHERAPIES and HANDBOOK FOR INNOVATIVE PSYCHOTHERAPIES

ALBERT ELLIS, Ph.D. is a psychologist and founder of the Albert Ellis Institute for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy in New York City, with affiliated centers throughout the world. His popular books include HOW TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM PUSHING YOUR BUTTONS, SEX WITHOUT GUILT, ANGER: HOW TO LIVE WITH AND WITHOUT IT, A NEW GUIDE TO RATIONAL LIVING, and HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. Perhaps the best-known and most honored psychologist of our time.

TED CRAWFORD, as a young man, served in the US Army Air Corps in India and China. That experience inspired him to work toward prevention of war and other types of conflict. He developed a profound knowledge of semantics, and studied Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy with Albert Ellis. Ted's major contributions include the system of Revolving Discussion Sequence and other processes for overcoming differences and disagreements.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Guideline #1: Accept your partner "as is."

Purpose: To put you in charge of yourself in a way that supports your partner's right to choose and to contribute to a self-correcting relationship with you. And to give you inner peace of mind.

Key: Assume responsibility for your feelings.

Action: Observe your own avoidance thinking or refusal to accept reality. Challenge yourself to accept the adversities that may be "unacceptable" to you.

Choose your own self-suggestions:
1)
2)

Guideline #2: Express appreciation frequently. Avoid steady criticism.

Purpose: Don't "judge." Accept your partner as a loving, caring person. Help each other grow to your "fullest" potential. To support a happy relationship with your partner through honest emotional support and acknowledgment without the destructive effects of criticism.

Key: Expressing frequent honest appreciation for small things has an accumulative effect for making the communication environment "safe" for your partner to open up and share more honestly with you. Catch your partner doing something right. Share that something with your partner.

Suggestion: Everything has both advantages and disadvantages. "And/also." Look for and discover the advantage in what you object to.

Choose your own self-suggestions:
1)
2)

Guideline #3: Communicate from integrity.

Purpose: To keep your relationship on a basis of trust, keep yourself emotionally free of traps or entanglements that violate your integrity.

Key: Honestly and readily acknowledge (a) what is going on with your partner, (b) what is going on with yourself, and (c) what is going on in the relationship. Acknowledge what you feel and think. Acknowledge your weaknesses, your inconsistencies, and your unfulfilled promises. Acknowledge your strengths and what you like about yourself.

Suggestion: Accept your fears that honesty and integrity will not always make you look good. Honesty and integrity require courage to face your fears and to learn from your mistakes. Learn to time your honesty by saving your problem for the right occasions to share.

Choose your self-suggestions:
1)
2)

Guideline #4: Share differences to achieve a win-win outcome.

Purpose: To establish cooperation in the solving of social problems, conflict reduction, and to enjoy the pleasures of cooperative creativity.

Key: Assume that your partner always has a position worth considering. Listen for your partner's issue. If you're talking, you aren't listening.

Suggestion: Look for and find something right, useful, or true in your partner's position. Focus on understanding your partner's central issue as your partner sees it.

Choose your self-suggestions:
1)
2)

Guideline #5: Support your partner's goals and purposes.

Purpose: To express your love for your partner in practical and supportive ways.

Key: Clarify what you choose to mean by constructive "purposes," and by "integrity."

Suggestion: Support your partner's right to develop the unique individual he or she is as a separate person from yourself. See disagreements as differences and think of differences as resources that can enrich your relationship with your partner when differences are successfully shared.

Choose your self-suggestions:
1)
2)

Guideline #6: Give your partner the right to be wrong.

Purpose: To affirm your partner's right to be imperfect and a fallible human. Allow room and support for your partner to learn and grow into his or her own constructive potential.

Key: Refuse to be embarrassed or ashamed of your mistakes or your humanness. Acknowledge your similarities with your partner. You can bond on your similarities. You too are imperfect and a fallible human. You also have mistaken assumptions and make mistakes.

Suggestion: Readily acknowledge your mistakes and your forgetting to your partner -- more or less when you discover them.

Choose your self-suggestions:
1)
2)

Guideline #7: Reconsider your wants as goals.

Purpose: To release you from the demands of shoulds and musts and the trap of "either/or" that you either must get what you want or you give in to the hopeless despair of never getting what you want.

Key: Remind yourself frequently that you don't have to get what you want. What you want is not guaranteed by God, chance, or nature. You may, or you may not, get it. You will discover what you get, or don't get, in time.

Suggestion: Keep your wants, intentions, and desires as valid for you. If you work to achieve a want, you may get it. But keep your want as a future goal you work for. When you let go of the demand to get what you want, you may also increase the probability of getting it.

Choose your self-suggestions:
1)
2)

Edition details

• Publisher: Impact
• Publication date: 2000
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1886230331
• ISBN 13: 9781886230330
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 160