Two Ruddy Ducks and a Partridge on a Par Three: The Unexpurgated Golf Letters of Mortimer Merriweather - Softcover

Agran, Clive

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1913159701 ISBN 13: 9781913159702

Publisher: Merlin Unwin Books, 2024

Synopsis

Once described as the worst golfer never to have won a major, Mortimer Merriweather is a complex character with virtually nothing to show for 60 years of golf at the lowest level.

Decades of abject failure to strike the ball properly undoubtedly fuelled his frustration and led ultimately to him venting his ire on individuals, companies and organisations connected with the game of golf in this remarkable series of 100 letters.

The result is this hilarious book of his bizarre, insulting, unsettling and plain mad golfing ideas, all sent to famous hapless recipients, illustrated with occasional cartoons.

‘Clive Agran is golf’s funniest writer.’ – John Hopkins, The Times

About this title

About the Author

Clive Agran is known for his regular contributions to all the top golf magazines in the UK including Today’s Golfer, National Club Golfer, Golf Monthly and Golf News. For several years he had a regular opinion column in Golf Monthly before switching his allegiance to Golf International.
His style is light-hearted and whimsical and his columns are always amusing. Overseas, he writes for Sports Illustrated and Kingdom in the USA, Golf Digest Middle East and Swing (Singapore). He has also written for travelgolf.com worldgolf.com, Golfshake and The World’s Greatest Golf Destinations.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Dear Mr Disney,
Below is the synopsis of a feel-good movie I think you should make. It has the working title ‘Caught Cheating’. I don’t want millions for it, just a modest $100,000 and a decent part in the film.
The action takes place in Surrey, England in 2019.
To the outsider, Charles Salisbury’s life seems perfect. Married to the lovely and very much younger Linda, he has two delightful children, a secure job with a bank and is considered a pillar of the local community. His crowning moment comes at a dinner at his golf club held to celebrate his appointment as captain. However, his world starts to fall apart when, minutes before he is due to make his acceptance speech, he is caught literally with his pants down in the locker room with Geoffrey, the new assistant greenkeeper.
He’s thrown out of the marital home by his humiliated wife, sacked by the bank, expelled from his club and, worse still, he finds his favourite Ping putter (product placement opportunity) broken and stuffed in a dustbin. Although almost broken himself, this last act of wanton vandalism motivates him to fight back.
With what little money he has, he buys a caravan and camps on a strip of a wasteland adjoining the local municipal golf course. Unlike the toffs at his old club, the less stuffy working-class members of the municipal club welcome him. Driven by a burning desire to revenge his humiliation and with little else to do, he practises golf for hours every day and improves bit by bit. He captains the team at his new club in their annual match against his old club and, fired by all that has happened, his inspirational leadership helps his team to their first-ever success in the fixture.
Charles, however, doesn’t stop there. Despite being over 40, his handicap tumbles to scratch but, because of what happened that night, he’s never picked to play for his county. Then, against the odds, he comes through both a pre-qualifier and qualifier to earn a spot in the British Open. Despite a double-bogey six at the first hole, he has rounds of 69 and 67 to comfortably make the cut. After each round he returns to his caravan, which he tows behind his beaten-up old car. Alone, he stares at photos of his ex-wife, son and daughter, and sobs.
Another 67 in the third round puts him in contention and he tees off on the last day in the final pairing, still symbolically eschewing a caddy and pulling a trolley. As he sinks a 20-foot putt on the last hole to clinch The Open, he sees his wife, son and..

Edition details

• Publisher: Merlin Unwin Books
• Publication date: 2024
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1913159701
• ISBN 13: 9781913159702
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 160