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Divorcing the House: A Guide to Understanding Your Options, the Pitfalls & Whether You Could-or Should-Keep Your Home in Divorce - Softcover
Synopsis
In divorce, deciding what to do with the house can become a source of strife, confusion, and financial ruin. Most are unprepared for the legal and financial ramifications about keeping or selling their home—their most important financial asset.
Divorce is stressful enough by itself. In the midst of other traumas, many divorcing people discover that they aren’t just married to a spouse—they’re married to a house and a mortgage, too. Their most financially and emotionally important asset can become a source of strife, confusion, anxiety—and all too often, financial ruin.
As they discover, it’s not enough to divorce their former partner; they must divorce the house—a treacherous process, fraught with risks and unexpected challenges. Navigating it successfully requires expert help—and the kind of practical information provided in this book. Few people fully understand the complexities of real estate transactions, let alone their long-term ramifications. These matters take on even greater weight when they occur in the context of a wrenching, perhaps acrimonious breakup.
Divorcing the House is a comprehensive guide written by an expert in divorce real estate that addresses all these issues, from the emotional impact to the dollars-and-cents details. It provides a framework of knowledge that will empower divorcing spouses to emerge financially sound and prepared for the future.
The result is a well-rounded view of what divorcing partners can expect, and concrete advice on how to manage the process.
Laurel Starks lives with her husband and two boys in Rancho Cucamonga, California.
"synopsis" may belong to another edition of this title.
About the Author
Laurel Starks is the country's foremost divorce real estate expert. She is a divorce real estate specialist and founder of the Divorce Real Estate Institute. Trained in both mediation and collaborative divorce methods, she speaks frequently on real estate and divorce issues to legal and alternative dispute resolution groups.
A former host of the talk radio program Real Estate Matters, Starks also serves as an expert witness in real estate matters related to divorce cases, including the mishandling of procedural aspects therein. She handles the sale of real property in family law cases, and is one of the top producing realtors in the nation. Laurel lives with her husband and two sons in Southern California.
A former host of the talk radio program Real Estate Matters, Starks also serves as an expert witness in real estate matters related to divorce cases, including the mishandling of procedural aspects therein. She handles the sale of real property in family law cases, and is one of the top producing realtors in the nation. Laurel lives with her husband and two sons in Southern California.
From the Back Cover
In divorce, deciding what to do with the house can become a huge source of strife, confusion, and even financial ruin. Most are unprepared for the unique legal, financial, and emotional ramifications of either holding on to or selling their house at one of the worst times in their life.
Divorcing the House presents the numerous legal, emotional, and practical challenges of equitably settling your marital home—and offers specifics on how to handle those issues and who to turn to for professional help. This book clears up common misconceptions about dividing real estate assets and empowers both parties to be proactive, make smart decisions, and emerge from this complex process financially sound and prepared for the future. It includes detailed information on:
Whether to sell or not
Common pitfalls that plague the uninformed
How to determine what the house is really worth
Making housing decisions that are truly in your children’s best interests
What to do about the deed and the mortgage if one spouse stays in the home
Proceeds of the sale (if any) and what to do if there is no equity
The court’s perspective and power
Learn how best to deal with your most important financial asset—your home—from a real estate expert who specialize in divorce. Get the facts about how to make wise and purposeful choices to set yourself up for success as you move forward with building a new life—a life that includes financial health.
Divorcing the House presents the numerous legal, emotional, and practical challenges of equitably settling your marital home—and offers specifics on how to handle those issues and who to turn to for professional help. This book clears up common misconceptions about dividing real estate assets and empowers both parties to be proactive, make smart decisions, and emerge from this complex process financially sound and prepared for the future. It includes detailed information on:
Whether to sell or not
Common pitfalls that plague the uninformed
How to determine what the house is really worth
Making housing decisions that are truly in your children’s best interests
What to do about the deed and the mortgage if one spouse stays in the home
Proceeds of the sale (if any) and what to do if there is no equity
The court’s perspective and power
Learn how best to deal with your most important financial asset—your home—from a real estate expert who specialize in divorce. Get the facts about how to make wise and purposeful choices to set yourself up for success as you move forward with building a new life—a life that includes financial health.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter 1
There is a moment in the life of anyone getting a divorce when reality hits home: This is really happening. I’m getting divorced. Whether you’re the one who initiated the breakup or the one on the receiving end, you’ll eventually face this, and it can happen anytime during the process. For some, it’s a jolt of the highest magnitude; for others it’s something that’s been building for a long time, and may even come as a welcome release. You may be glad your marriage is finally over, but you’ll still feel the impact of that moment. It will be important then to keep your perspective: You will get through it—and if you make the right choices, you will be okay.
I got my first glimpse of this early in my career as a real estate agent. By chance, one of my very first listings was a divorce case. Some local attorneys had asked me to put a home on the market for a divorcing couple. Like many splits, this one was messy: Greg had been an abusive husband during the couple’s fourteen years together, but Sarah had stayed with him—right up to the point where he moved out to be with his new girlfriend.
Greg’s choices made their divorce inevitable, and by the time I entered the picture it was basically a done deal. Being a new agent, I was excited to have a listing, and so I put all my energy into marketing the house. Within a few days we received an offer. I was proud of myself and knew the attorneys would be relieved. I called Sarah to tell her the good news. Instead of relief or joy, her response was . . . silence. Then she began to weep. Soon she was sobbing uncontrollably over the phone.
I was stunned. And for the first time I realized the depth of the tragedy I was dealing with. This woman’s life was disintegrating before her eyes. With my phone call, reality came crashing down on her like a tidal wave.
That was a pivotal event in my career, and my life. As an agent who now specializes in divorce sales, I’ve handled hundreds of such cases since then. Yet, that early experience taught me to be much more sensitive to how these events affect real people. Much of my business comes from attorneys or family law judges who call me when a couple is splitting and their home needs to be sold. By that time the divorce is usually a foregone conclusion, but as with Sarah, it can take a while for the parties to absorb its full impact. And that is true even for the person who initiates the divorce.
A Complex Process
At least three processes are occurring simultaneously during a divorce: a legal process, a real estate process, and an emotional process. All three are new to most people, and in a divorce they’re all happening at the same time. It’s easy to see why the experience is so wrenching. Legal matters are always daunting for the layperson; few of us go to court more than a couple of times in our lives, and virtually nobody enjoys the experience. The process of selling a home may be slightly more familiar, but it is still stressful in the best of circumstances. And ending a relationship through divorce is usually new terrain, accompanied by its own riot of emotions. Together, these ingredients can make for an overwhelmingly traumatic experience.
The situation becomes more complex when one partner is far along in the emotional process but the other is still trying to make sense of it all. By the time divorce rears its head, the initiating party may have already worked through the emotions of separation, while the other party might think everything can still work out. Joyce Tessier is a collaborative divorce coach and a marriage and family therapist in Southern California. Here’s how she describes the disconnect that sometimes occurs between divorcing spouses:
There's always a difference in pacing. There's one person that shows up and has been dealing with this for months, and they’re emotionally ready. And the other guy’s going, “What? You want a divorce?” Now, you’re talking about two processes that are not parallel; you’ve got one who’s ahead of the game and they're pushing for what's the next thing that’s going to happen, and they’re so focused on getting out of the marriage that there's not enough time for them to be in the process itself.
That process itself forces changes in people. And if one person is resisting it, tension can result. Tessier elaborates: “The process itself—the time—changes them . . . dealing with the facts, and the emotions . . . then you’ve got the other one at the starting gate, grieving because it wasn’t their decision.”
Often the emotional side of the process drives the other two. In their bitterness, people may seek to win at any cost. The ensuing power struggles can cloud their vision and lead to bad decisions. The house becomes a trophy that both sides strive to keep, even when selling it would lead to the best outcome for everyone.
In a different way, the emotional process sometimes lags behind the others. Once the machinery of divorce is set in motion, it takes on a momentum of its own. The spouses separate, hire lawyers, and then mechanically follow the directions they’re given by attorneys or judges. So, the process hurtles forward, though both may secretly believe that it’s all going to go away and things will return to normal. Nevertheless, eventually they find themselves standing before a family law judge, who will make decisions that affect the rest of their lives. At this point, many people are seized with anguish or panic when they realize what’s happening to them.
For people who don’t encounter it every day, the legal environment can seem strange, foreign, and fraught with nasty surprises. I’m fortunate to be part of a network of professionals who have unique insight into that world. This group includes attorneys, judges, mediators, therapists, loan officers, and credit experts among others. To provide a complete picture of what you could be facing, I’ve included insights from these professionals in this book. One of those experts is Pamela Edwards-Swift, an attorney and certified family law specialist who practices in Southern California. She is deeply familiar with the misconceptions that people often bring to the divorce process. One example: Many don’t understand that when a divorce is filed, the court immediately assumes broad control over all jointly held assets. In legal parlance, these are collectively referred to as the community—a term that encompasses everything pertaining to the marriage. But the court’s control doesn’t end there. Some divorcing spouses are surprised to find that all their assets have been frozen—even those not related to the marriage in any way. Edwards-Swift explains:
What they don't know is that they [the courts] also have jurisdiction over separate property assets. For instance, when a petition is filed there are automatic temporary restraining orders that prevent a party from selling or disposing of not just community property, but also separate property. So, they're thinking, Well, it's mine; I had it before marriage, so therefore I can do whatever I want with it. And that's not true.
As Edwards-Swift notes, those separate assets may be needed to pay reimbursements ordered by the court. Or, the non-owner spouse may have an indirect interest:
Maybe you have somebody that owned a home before they got married and they’ve never changed the character of that; it’s still their separate property residence. Well, because the community has made mortgage payments on that house, the community does have an interest. It may not be a large interest, but they do have some interest.
The court can also order a couple’s house to be sold whether both spouses want it or not. That typically happens in the trial phase of a divorce, but it can occur beforehand under pressing circumstances—such as when the house is facing foreclosure.
Facing Reality
If you have already worked through the emotional issues of your breakup, you may be anxious to get it over with, and selling the house is the last piece of that puzzle. But for others, facing the imminent sale of the family home can be a sobering experience. It’s then that they realize what they’re losing, and some remain in denial right up to the last moment. The judge has ordered a sale; the house is in escrow; and they need to move out by next Friday—but they’re still hanging on. They can’t accept that it’s over and they must begin building a new life; they’re simply not ready yet. All the mundane tasks they must now undertake become fraught with emotion: finding a place to rent, having the utilities turned on in their own name, opening new bank accounts, applying for credit cards as a newly single person. It’s a disorienting process under the best of circumstances. In the wake of a life-changing upheaval such as divorce, it can be crushing.
When a home is being sold, it’s not just a physical structure that’s at stake, or even the money it represents. A home is the brick and mortar of a family’s life. It’s where dreams are born—and children, too. It’s where the kids grew up, and the proud parents marked their growth on the doorjambs. It’s where the Christmas tree went up every year, and family gatherings took place. Most couples remember that happy day when they bought their home, whether it was a move-up purchase or a first-time venture. It was a mark of achievement that symbolized the family’s future together. They had worked and saved, and that home was the fruit of their efforts. It contained their hopes, their aspirations, their life. And now, suddenly, it’s all gone. In my experience, everyone underestimates the impact that loss will have on them.
Of course, a house can also be a reminder of painful memories: It might be where the fights occurred—or an affair. For most people the thought of home stirs up a mix of positive and negative emotions. Yet, even in the worst cases, most people aren’t prepared to see it all taken away in an instant. As the process grinds on, they’re often distracted by the flurry of external events, and they repress the deep changes that are occurring inside them. When their emotions finally catch up to reality, the experience can be overwhelming. I often witness this as the person designated to handle the sale of the property. Sometimes the gravity of it all hits when they make that first phone call or sit down with me in the office. It’s not uncommon for people to call me and say, “I’ve had your number for months, but it’s taken me till now to call you.” I understand their reluctance; it’s a big step to acknowledge that a marriage is ending and then to begin taking action. For others, the moment comes when the sale is done and we’re ready to close escrow. They might have been totally cooperative throughout the process, but when it’s time to sign the final paperwork, they freeze.
The Sign in the Yard
For Maggie, the reality hit her one day as she was driving her two kids home from school. She had had a beautiful home and a storybook marriage. Then suddenly, her husband decided he didn’t want to be a family man after all. The kids knew that Dad had moved out and that their parents were splitting up, but they hadn’t been told that their home was about to be sold. As they rounded the corner and approached the house that day, the kids spotted the for sale sign in the front yard. It was painful and jarring—not only for the children, but for Maggie as well. Suddenly she realized that she really was going to be moving.
None of it was a surprise to her, of course. She...
There is a moment in the life of anyone getting a divorce when reality hits home: This is really happening. I’m getting divorced. Whether you’re the one who initiated the breakup or the one on the receiving end, you’ll eventually face this, and it can happen anytime during the process. For some, it’s a jolt of the highest magnitude; for others it’s something that’s been building for a long time, and may even come as a welcome release. You may be glad your marriage is finally over, but you’ll still feel the impact of that moment. It will be important then to keep your perspective: You will get through it—and if you make the right choices, you will be okay.
I got my first glimpse of this early in my career as a real estate agent. By chance, one of my very first listings was a divorce case. Some local attorneys had asked me to put a home on the market for a divorcing couple. Like many splits, this one was messy: Greg had been an abusive husband during the couple’s fourteen years together, but Sarah had stayed with him—right up to the point where he moved out to be with his new girlfriend.
Greg’s choices made their divorce inevitable, and by the time I entered the picture it was basically a done deal. Being a new agent, I was excited to have a listing, and so I put all my energy into marketing the house. Within a few days we received an offer. I was proud of myself and knew the attorneys would be relieved. I called Sarah to tell her the good news. Instead of relief or joy, her response was . . . silence. Then she began to weep. Soon she was sobbing uncontrollably over the phone.
I was stunned. And for the first time I realized the depth of the tragedy I was dealing with. This woman’s life was disintegrating before her eyes. With my phone call, reality came crashing down on her like a tidal wave.
That was a pivotal event in my career, and my life. As an agent who now specializes in divorce sales, I’ve handled hundreds of such cases since then. Yet, that early experience taught me to be much more sensitive to how these events affect real people. Much of my business comes from attorneys or family law judges who call me when a couple is splitting and their home needs to be sold. By that time the divorce is usually a foregone conclusion, but as with Sarah, it can take a while for the parties to absorb its full impact. And that is true even for the person who initiates the divorce.
A Complex Process
At least three processes are occurring simultaneously during a divorce: a legal process, a real estate process, and an emotional process. All three are new to most people, and in a divorce they’re all happening at the same time. It’s easy to see why the experience is so wrenching. Legal matters are always daunting for the layperson; few of us go to court more than a couple of times in our lives, and virtually nobody enjoys the experience. The process of selling a home may be slightly more familiar, but it is still stressful in the best of circumstances. And ending a relationship through divorce is usually new terrain, accompanied by its own riot of emotions. Together, these ingredients can make for an overwhelmingly traumatic experience.
The situation becomes more complex when one partner is far along in the emotional process but the other is still trying to make sense of it all. By the time divorce rears its head, the initiating party may have already worked through the emotions of separation, while the other party might think everything can still work out. Joyce Tessier is a collaborative divorce coach and a marriage and family therapist in Southern California. Here’s how she describes the disconnect that sometimes occurs between divorcing spouses:
There's always a difference in pacing. There's one person that shows up and has been dealing with this for months, and they’re emotionally ready. And the other guy’s going, “What? You want a divorce?” Now, you’re talking about two processes that are not parallel; you’ve got one who’s ahead of the game and they're pushing for what's the next thing that’s going to happen, and they’re so focused on getting out of the marriage that there's not enough time for them to be in the process itself.
That process itself forces changes in people. And if one person is resisting it, tension can result. Tessier elaborates: “The process itself—the time—changes them . . . dealing with the facts, and the emotions . . . then you’ve got the other one at the starting gate, grieving because it wasn’t their decision.”
Often the emotional side of the process drives the other two. In their bitterness, people may seek to win at any cost. The ensuing power struggles can cloud their vision and lead to bad decisions. The house becomes a trophy that both sides strive to keep, even when selling it would lead to the best outcome for everyone.
In a different way, the emotional process sometimes lags behind the others. Once the machinery of divorce is set in motion, it takes on a momentum of its own. The spouses separate, hire lawyers, and then mechanically follow the directions they’re given by attorneys or judges. So, the process hurtles forward, though both may secretly believe that it’s all going to go away and things will return to normal. Nevertheless, eventually they find themselves standing before a family law judge, who will make decisions that affect the rest of their lives. At this point, many people are seized with anguish or panic when they realize what’s happening to them.
For people who don’t encounter it every day, the legal environment can seem strange, foreign, and fraught with nasty surprises. I’m fortunate to be part of a network of professionals who have unique insight into that world. This group includes attorneys, judges, mediators, therapists, loan officers, and credit experts among others. To provide a complete picture of what you could be facing, I’ve included insights from these professionals in this book. One of those experts is Pamela Edwards-Swift, an attorney and certified family law specialist who practices in Southern California. She is deeply familiar with the misconceptions that people often bring to the divorce process. One example: Many don’t understand that when a divorce is filed, the court immediately assumes broad control over all jointly held assets. In legal parlance, these are collectively referred to as the community—a term that encompasses everything pertaining to the marriage. But the court’s control doesn’t end there. Some divorcing spouses are surprised to find that all their assets have been frozen—even those not related to the marriage in any way. Edwards-Swift explains:
What they don't know is that they [the courts] also have jurisdiction over separate property assets. For instance, when a petition is filed there are automatic temporary restraining orders that prevent a party from selling or disposing of not just community property, but also separate property. So, they're thinking, Well, it's mine; I had it before marriage, so therefore I can do whatever I want with it. And that's not true.
As Edwards-Swift notes, those separate assets may be needed to pay reimbursements ordered by the court. Or, the non-owner spouse may have an indirect interest:
Maybe you have somebody that owned a home before they got married and they’ve never changed the character of that; it’s still their separate property residence. Well, because the community has made mortgage payments on that house, the community does have an interest. It may not be a large interest, but they do have some interest.
The court can also order a couple’s house to be sold whether both spouses want it or not. That typically happens in the trial phase of a divorce, but it can occur beforehand under pressing circumstances—such as when the house is facing foreclosure.
Facing Reality
If you have already worked through the emotional issues of your breakup, you may be anxious to get it over with, and selling the house is the last piece of that puzzle. But for others, facing the imminent sale of the family home can be a sobering experience. It’s then that they realize what they’re losing, and some remain in denial right up to the last moment. The judge has ordered a sale; the house is in escrow; and they need to move out by next Friday—but they’re still hanging on. They can’t accept that it’s over and they must begin building a new life; they’re simply not ready yet. All the mundane tasks they must now undertake become fraught with emotion: finding a place to rent, having the utilities turned on in their own name, opening new bank accounts, applying for credit cards as a newly single person. It’s a disorienting process under the best of circumstances. In the wake of a life-changing upheaval such as divorce, it can be crushing.
When a home is being sold, it’s not just a physical structure that’s at stake, or even the money it represents. A home is the brick and mortar of a family’s life. It’s where dreams are born—and children, too. It’s where the kids grew up, and the proud parents marked their growth on the doorjambs. It’s where the Christmas tree went up every year, and family gatherings took place. Most couples remember that happy day when they bought their home, whether it was a move-up purchase or a first-time venture. It was a mark of achievement that symbolized the family’s future together. They had worked and saved, and that home was the fruit of their efforts. It contained their hopes, their aspirations, their life. And now, suddenly, it’s all gone. In my experience, everyone underestimates the impact that loss will have on them.
Of course, a house can also be a reminder of painful memories: It might be where the fights occurred—or an affair. For most people the thought of home stirs up a mix of positive and negative emotions. Yet, even in the worst cases, most people aren’t prepared to see it all taken away in an instant. As the process grinds on, they’re often distracted by the flurry of external events, and they repress the deep changes that are occurring inside them. When their emotions finally catch up to reality, the experience can be overwhelming. I often witness this as the person designated to handle the sale of the property. Sometimes the gravity of it all hits when they make that first phone call or sit down with me in the office. It’s not uncommon for people to call me and say, “I’ve had your number for months, but it’s taken me till now to call you.” I understand their reluctance; it’s a big step to acknowledge that a marriage is ending and then to begin taking action. For others, the moment comes when the sale is done and we’re ready to close escrow. They might have been totally cooperative throughout the process, but when it’s time to sign the final paperwork, they freeze.
The Sign in the Yard
For Maggie, the reality hit her one day as she was driving her two kids home from school. She had had a beautiful home and a storybook marriage. Then suddenly, her husband decided he didn’t want to be a family man after all. The kids knew that Dad had moved out and that their parents were splitting up, but they hadn’t been told that their home was about to be sold. As they rounded the corner and approached the house that day, the kids spotted the for sale sign in the front yard. It was painful and jarring—not only for the children, but for Maggie as well. Suddenly she realized that she really was going to be moving.
None of it was a surprise to her, of course. She...
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