CHAPTER 1
How We Understand Errors and Mistakes
Can you imagine how beneficial it would be to have immediate access to information that could lead any person to live a life of continual improvement? Can you envision the transformation in a family's life if all of its members analyzed their decisions and corrected their errors? What if the most effective way parents could manage their children's mistakes was to instill a high sense of responsibility in them without hurting them? What would be the impact on companies and the economy in general if more employees learned from their errors every day? And on a larger scale, how would the world and the environment benefit if we could all learn from historical errors?
In this chapter, we'll begin by differentiating between an error and a mistake, and we'll consider the ways different people react when someone points out errors they've committed.
And as you read, if you wonder why I share some personal experiences with you, it's because I was the first to pointlessly defend my mistakes.
How Do Errors Differ from Mistakes?
You'll notice that the manual contains no complicated terms, yet at this stage I would like to draw the distinction between an error and a mistake. At first glance, both words appear to be synonymous, but there are subtle differences.
The word "error" is derived from the Latin errorem or errare, which means to wander or stray. According to the definition provided by Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th Edition), error "suggests the existence of a standard or guide and straying from the right course through failure to make effective use of this."
On the other hand, the etymology of the word "mistake" stems from the old Norse word mistaka, which means "mis" (wrong) and "taka" (take), or literally: wrongly taken or assumed, thus implying a "misconception or inadvertence." It usually expresses less criticism than an error.
For the purposes of this manual, I will focus primarily on errors, but occasionally you will find that I make this distinction, as in the following section.
A Mistake That Had the Potential to Become a Fatal Error
I used to go to bullfights. One time, when I was seventeen, a bullfighter and family friend was scheduled to fight a one-thousand-pound bull, and he invited me to watch him in a small Mexican town. It was an unforgettable afternoon because I had never had the opportunity to see a fighting bull so close. It's very impressive.
Everything was going fine when suddenly in the middle of the performance, two guys started to fight up in the grandstand. Given the uncertainty of what might happen and concerned about my friend's life, I remember not taking my eyes off of his, especially because he was very close to the animal, whose look made its intentions quite clear. He kept his face immobile as he faced the bull, but even so, he rapidly moved his eyes to see what was going on. Fortunately all ended very well, and he even said that it was one of his best performances.
Following the bullfight, I gave him a big hug and also congratulated him for his success and incredible courage. When I had the opportunity to speak with him for a few minutes, I told him that from my perspective, he had made a very dangerous move that could have cost him his life. I remember he smiled and told me he was surprised I'd noticed it because everything had happened so fast. He added that I was right and that in any case, he should not have done it.
What is still causing me great affection and admiration for my friend is that he took the time to give me a piece of advice that I will never forget: "In my career, Pedro, you cannot make errors because, indeed, you may pay for your distraction with your life; so when you are blessed enough to realize that you did something wrong, it means that life has once again given you the opportunity to instantly remedy your mistake right there, at that precise moment, and you'd better learn from it!
"You are probably too young to understand this in depth, but as you grow up, you will discover that existence is sometimes as risky as a bullfight. So you'd better learn from what you do wrong. That way, I assure you that life (if you view it as a bull like the one you saw me fighting) will have less chance to gore you with its horns. And you must believe me: they are very sharp."
So then, was the matador's distraction an error or a mistake? If the fact that he looked away was simply the wrong thing to do, it would fall into the realm of a mistake. But if you consider that the standards established in a bullfighter's training require him to focus his full attention on the bull's reactions and even try to anticipate them, then straying from that standard constitutes an error. In the case of my friend, that error could have been fatal. In this way, the consequences of our actions define whether we were merely wrong, or if on the contrary, we committed an error.
In those days, I thought I had understood the wonderful life lesson that my friend had given me, summarized in just a few words. But in truth, since I thought I was "smarter" and knew "better" than anyone else, I did not put anything he taught me into practice. Today, with a more mature viewpoint, I cannot fail to recognize that what my friend told me that day could have helped me avoid a considerable number of errors I have made in my life. It's amazing to realize the degree to which our own mistakes can mark our destinies, and all the more if we don't learn from what they teach us.
Common Reactions to Errors
Now let's talk about a topic you could write a book about because it's something you experience every day with the majority of the people you relate to. Have you ever observed how different people react when someone points out a mistake to them? Although there are countless variations of emotions, and therefore answers, you may find that most people express their reactions in one of two ways:
• Some people will readily recognize and admit their errors. They show honest interest in finding out what they did wrong in order to correct them.
• Others refuse to acknowledge them.
People who admit their errors may apologize, repair any damage, and try as hard as possible not to repeat them. However, we know that such a response is not very common.
When confronted with their errors, the vast majority of people react differently. Some respond in surprise, others cry or get angry (even to the extent of attacking the person who pointed them out), some react fearfully, and still others simply remain silent. I know there are more examples, but in the large majority of cases, the mere mention of one's errors sparks looks of hostility.
Why do people get angry or defensive and insist that they are right, even when they know perfectly well that this is not true?
As you know by now, I used to be one of those people who argued about everything. No matter what the topic or how incorrect I was, I had to convince others they were wrong! When I look back, I cannot believe the attitude I held in those days and what's worse, the arguments I wielded and how angrily I defended my weak position.
Why is it that I reacted defensively when someone rightly struck out at me? What was behind all this that brought me so much violence? Why did I have this need to make others be wrong, defend myself, and deny my own faults when it was obvious that I had made the mistake? And what's worse, why did I fall back again and again on that dreadful mechanism that compelled me to deny my errors?
The answer is less complicated than what we might imagine: When I defended myself after committing an error, I experienced a strange sensation that I didn't really understand but that made me feel good. It was an inexplicable feeling of protection, and I had no clue as to what gave rise to it. I only knew that the denial and steadfast defense of my mistakes made me feel safe and protected. Yet in all this there was a huge contradiction because my sense of well-being was only temporary. Almost immediately afterward, an inner feeling took hold of me that made me feel awkward. Oddly enough, despite feeling upset, I got used to living in that state of mind without imagining the damage I was doing to myself.
It was only much later that I finally realized that at the exact moment of making a mistake and denying it, I generated the negative energy that I experienced within myself that made made me feel so uneasy and distressful. Undeniably, this is the most important symptom of the fearsome and pervasive React Without Thinking virus (RWT virus) that I will discuss in the second part of this manual.
Figure 1: The following chart summarizes the two basic reactions to errors:
Points for Reflection
1. People have suffered a great deal as a result of their errors and it is not easy for them to conceive of their lives in an environment where respect, love, warmth, and joy reign. What do you think?
2. Dreaming a little, what do you think the coexistence between human beings would be like if they learned from their mistakes?
3. Regarding the figure above, at first glance, which path do you think most people choose?
4. What has been your experience in this regard?
5. Why do you think most people make this choice?
6. What do you think are the results of this choice in their lives?
7. We talked about three basic responses that people have to errors. What results from each?
8. What causes sparks of hostility?
9. What made me feel the denial of reality and steadfast defense of my mistakes?
10. Why do I mention that it was all a huge contradiction?
11. What came over me when I denied a mistake?
12. What did I realize later on?
13. Why is the RWT virus fearsome?
14. Why is the diagram entitled "Decide and Act" and not just "Act"?
CHAPTER 2
Why Don't We Recognize Our Errors?
In the last chapter we asked whether or not most people assume responsibility for their own mistakes. Some think they do, and some of us think they don't.
The Cost of Not Correcting Our Mistakes
If we look through the keyhole of the world's societies and analyze the topic coldly and dispassionately, we find that errors surely cause health problems, lead to harmful habits, and create states of tension and unhappiness. They frequently destroy human relations. They cause many people to live in a painful world of appearances and dissatisfaction. Mistakes are often the cause of deep unhappiness in human beings of all ages.
In the case of academic errors, for example, consequences include bad grades, punishment, and ignorance, while errors in one's profession are generally associated with failure and economic limitations. Mistakes can have serious implications for our lives and can even result in consequences so disastrous that those who make them are separated from society and imprisoned. In other words, in the light of this brief comment, mistakes are our worst nightmare. And the bad news is that this will continue to be the case as long as we fail to understand that a mistake is resolved with a solution and not with another mistake.
Just think! Living is an ongoing struggle to direct all the aspects that make up our existence toward life itself—that is to say, to fill all that we do with life. So then, it is vital to determine whether people, through their way of thinking and acting, are "watering" their existence with life—in other words, with positive energy—or on the contrary, with dissatisfaction, pain, sorrow, and bitterness, which is exactly what they will harvest. That's why if you asked me what I believe to be the king of all mistakes, I'd give you a simple, yet profound answer, one that is hard for many people to understand. I believe that the biggest error we can make is deciding not to see our mistakes, thereby filling ourselves with negative energy that will undoubtedly stick with us and make its presence felt wherever we go.
There's nothing that can hurt a person more—nothing—than failing to recognize and accept his own mistakes and do something about them. The consequences can turn out to be very tricky. It's a lot like suddenly realizing that you're holding a black widow (representing a mistake) in your hand, and your solution is to gaze at the scenery and just ignore the spider. It's that simple and that serious.
What is spine-chilling is that billions of people in this world live their lives just looking at the scenery, totally out of touch with reality and convinced that this is the way to resolve their mistakes. Can they improve themselves by thinking and acting that way? Of course not! The only way to correct a mistake, as we will see throughout this manual, is by recognizing its existence and doing something about it. There's no other option. But as long as the "solution" continues to be the denial of the error in all its different forms and mechanisms, there's nothing that can be done about it.
And here we are approaching an issue that is plagued with contradictions. While it's true that our mistakes really should be our best allies, for many of us, they are our worst enemies. The primary problem is that well-handled errors are an authentic gift of life. They are the best things that can happen to us—true companions that point out where the wrongdoing is that we must correct in order to remedy any problem and live in peace or be better people. But if they are poorly handled —that is to say, if we ignore them—they are, in effect, a real nightmare. Yet many people insist on not seeing things this way and prefer to "live" by waging fierce battles within themselves or with other people, which may even last their whole lives long. What is particularly thorny in all this is that these people are not the least bit conscious that they are feeding their spirits with energy that is highly toxic and, therefore, tremendously destructive. And yes, in that state, life passes them by.
So then, if recognizing our mistakes determines our quality of life and, moreover, is the only way we have of improving ourselves, why do we deny them? How can we fail to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity that is within our reach? It seems incredible, right? But there are very important reasons for this, as we will see in the next chapter.
Points for Reflection
1. What is the bad news that I spoke of in the first part of the chapter?
2. What is living?
3. How do you know if you are "watering" with life whatever you do?
4. What is the king of all mistakes?
5. What can hurt an individual the most?
6. How would you apply the metaphor of the black widow to your life?
7. Why is it spine-chilling to find out that so many people live their lives just gazing at the scenery?
8. Which issue is plagued with contradictions, and what effects does it have in the life of an individual?
9. How do you explain the fact that even though recognizing our mistakes is highly beneficial, people deny them all the time?
10. What is the only way to improve?
CHAPTER 3
Proven in Personal Experience
After a few years in college, I realized why defending my mistakes represented security and protection for me, despite the negative energy that this injurious habit generated within myself. I could finally begin to admit something fundamental: deep down, I was afraid. And denying what I knew I had done wrong was just a shield with which I uselessly tried to protect myself.
Later on, I tried to identify the root cause of my fear and what it was that I needed protection from. As I pursued my quest, one day an event suddenly came to mind; it was like similar ones I have experienced, but this one was very special. I remembered that when I was around four years old, I was running through our living room and accidentally knocked over an ashtray full of cigarette butts that was on a little table.
