THE ART OF FRIENDLY CONFRONTATION This book describes the coping skills, strategies and methods to help others see your point of view. These skills work with the precursors of ego, anger and power in personal relationships and keep your own dignity with understanding role placement, power and reversal. When problems arise, as they always do, these conflict skills found in The Art of Friendly Confrontation identify the skills for fairness in relationships. $10.00; Understand purpose of coping skills, methods and strategies. Identify the precursors of conflict: ego, anger, power. Recognize role placement, role power, and role reversal. Evaluate vulnerability in healthy relationships. Identify coping skills to increase self esteem.
THE ART OF FRIENDLY CONFRONTATION
Conflict Resolution to IMPROVE RELATIONSHIPSBy Shirley Brackett MatheyAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 Shirley Brackett Mathey
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4685-7989-5Contents
Chapter 1 Tethered Together.........................................................1Chapter 2 Understanding Basic Differences...........................................9Chapter 3 Ego—The Need To Feel Important......................................23Chapter 4 Anger—The Need To Separate..........................................29Chapter 5 Power Struggle—The Need To Conquer..................................37Chapter 6 The Coping Skills—Self Disclosure And listening.....................49Chapter 7 Coping Stragegies.........................................................57Chapter 8 Coping Methods That Work..................................................65Chapter 9 Learning To Give Your Problem To Others...................................83Chapter 10 Love—The Need To Connect...........................................93Chapter 11 Forgiveness—The Need To Restore Equality...........................101Bibliography........................................................................111Classroom Activities................................................................115
Chapter One
TETHERED TOGETHER CONFLICT IS NORMAL
"And they lived happily ever after" is only a fairy tale. We don't live happily ever after. In order to get our way we alternate between sweetness and strife. We want to win! We think, "I like my way best, and I want you to like it too."
What do you think conflict is? is it people who fight openly or the silent "if looks could kill?" Conflict is not always open warfare. Problems often move underground to divert people from the real issues. Some battles are wordless, where the deafening silence controls the partner. Avoidance of open disagreement can deceive us into thinking everything is fine when it's not.
Conflict should be expected. People throughout history have waged strife and wars against each other and it inevitably will continue. We learn conflict strategies and methods from everyone, but how we interpret our emotional experiences is our most important teacher. Because you must consider the choices you must make, conflict is normal, necessary and can be healthy in our decision-making.
Being an individual and unique from others has it's price. When flare ups occur, we struggle internally to decide what to do. Each conflict molds our values, experiences and needs while helping we decide to work with or against others. The more difficulty, the higher our frustration, and the more we feel we need to do something. Although some people seem to enjoy tempers out of hand, most of us don't have the energy to keep it up.
There are benefits from having conflicts, and knowing good things can come from an emotionally draining struggle can aid a person's coping endurance. But in the midst of a hot-tempered argument or long silent siege, it's difficult to remember what they are! it's reasonable to assume bad things can develop, but of course, we know that. The searing white fame in our breast saying "Kill the opponent," occurs when people oppose us on important matters. For others, the message is different. It says, "Let me get away from this person quickly!"
CONFLICT IS NECESSARY
Conflict is necessary to assure differing needs are met. human nature sees things from a selfish point of view. The argument makes sure each side has a say. As infants, the internal weapon is rage: saying "World! You're not treating me fairly." As we mature, anger become more sophisticated and is expressed in gestures, glares, and dialogue. Many people still use rage to handle conflict instead of allowing others to present their side.
There is great value in finishing an argument. The importance of clearing the air and bringing peace was brought home to me years ago when raising my child. There is nothing like child-rearing to rouse your dander. But there is no sweeter apology than the childish kiss from someone who has been reprimanded and climbs on your lap to negotiate peace. When that happens, the balance of equals replaces the gnawing knowledge that someone is pushing your hot buttons. To present peace, we must learn basic coping skills to have fair and effective encounters.
CONFLICT BEGINS EARLY
Conflict begins early. Children disagree over territory, such as sharing a bedroom, owning a toy, or who has the car window. Families argue over pieces of chicken at dinner. Teenagers' territorial fights include "This is my street" or "That is my girl." Office workers have territorial discord over the nicest offices or closets or parking spaces.
Regardless of the issues, people disagree over the same thing: money, children, relatives, religion, politics, territory and sex. The real concerns are the patterns used to handle differences. People approach difficulties in certain learned ways. Our patterns of resolving conflict may not work, or what might have worked when you were younger simply will not in the adult world.
We don't all think alike. Temperament, age, education, cultural upbringing, and gender create differences. I remember a childhood incident where a classmate, day after day, agitated me. I asked, "Maurice, why do you hassle me so much?" Surprisingly, he said, "because I like you." I couldn't imagine him liking me when I was so frustrated. I moved all over the school bus to avoid him, but he followed me. I remember lashing out at him. As a child, I saw Maurice as the enemy. How I wish I had known how to confront better and become friends.
CONFLICT AFFECTS EVERYONE
Why do people provoke conflict? There are dozens of reasons. As a child you witnessed—or have been the victim of—someone's teasing. This may even have appeared to be fun (unless you are the taunted one). Listed below are some reasons why people provoke conflict in others and create dissention.
* Pleasure: to have fun, feel better, or for power.
* Peer Pressure: social alienation, left out of the "in" crowd.
* Insecurity: lack of identity, or low self-esteem.
* Status: to increase image, ego, to ensure fair treatment.
* Boredom: apathy or a need for thrill-seeking experiences.
* Escape: from problems, in school, community.
* Rebellion: against authority—parents, adults, teachers, siblings, and rules, and a desire to prove independence.
HOPELESSNESS
People stay in discouraging relationships for all kinds of reasons. Many stay hoping it will get better. Shame has been defined as not liking who you are, while guilt is not liking what you do. One woman decided "enough" when the abusive husband battered their oldest girl. She had postponed the decision for herself but with child abuse her boldness took over.
Today's increase in battering is a national wake-up call. Physical abuse is the number one cause of injury to women according to a Psychology Today report. One of every two women will be in a battering relationship sometime in her life, and it most likely will begin with pregnancy. Domestic violence affects all, having no barriers of ethnic or socioeconomic class. You are nine times more likely to be killed in a family relationship than on the streets.
Years ago, I saw the despair of Cora's relationship, a retired teacher, who married Jeff in her mature years. Her wealthy father left her with property that she turned over to Jeff to manage. Cora lived in a shabby, run-down home and pitifully explained Jeff's failures. After his death, she discovered Jeff had sold everything and she had nothing. How could this happen to such a sweet, gentle lady? I'm sure Jeff found it easy to manipulate this passive person. Toward the end of her life she said, "I thought Jeff loved me but now I realize he used me." Cora abdicated responsibility for herself, because she thought Jeff would provide for her.
CONFLICT CAN BE RESOLVED
The bottom line of all conflicts involves lack of communication. Label it avoidance or missed communication, whatever you call it, most people have some difficulty expressing themselves well, particularly when they are upset. We say too much or too little, we say things we regret, or speak superficially instead of what we are really feeling. In conflict, we tend to blame or distort the situation from a personal bias. Being emotionally involved creates a blind spot in the communication.
Effective communication breaks down when:
* People don't always feel free to say what they mean.
* The speaker doesn't say exactly what he/she wants to say.
* Both the speaker and the listener are threatened by loss.
* The listener assumes the speaker knows what to say.
* The same words have different meaning for different people.
* Speakers speak for effect; listeners choose what to hear.
* Listeners have agendas, judge others or become defensive.
CONFLICT CAN HELP YOU GROW
Unsolved problems lead to silence, separation, and despair, but the rewards of resolving conflict are joy, friendship, energy and accomplishment. There is no joy better than regaining a lost friend. Removing an obstacle between people glues the bonds of friendship stronger with each resolved issue. Solving problems empowers partners with a feeling of accomplishment. Fighting and making-up is better than relationships that carry hidden agendas that manipulate.
One study of marital conflict by George R. Back and Peter Wyden concluded that the happiest marriages could "live with aggression, they learned anger was manageable." We need to express good feelings of anger. Expressing conflict positively is a decision and can be learned. It's healthy, cleansing, and normal to be frustrated and have a desire to vent; it's a signal to act. Positive anger repairs damaged feelings, and frees you from feeling resentful. Expressing conflict quickly prevents a pile-up of miscommunications, it's full of self, open rather than hidden, and creates a climate to resolve issues. People who demonstrate healthy anger have good opinions of themselves and others and they want to keep it that way.
Chapter Two
UNDERSTANDING BASIC DIFFERENCES
CONFLICT PRINCIPLES
To deal with conflict effectively, we need to understand behavior principles and the causes of conflict. Recognizing our own contribution to the problem is paramount in conflict resolution. These principles help us look at conflict more objectively.
BEHAVIOR TRIGGERS BEHAVIOR
With maturity, we realize our personal behavior is the one that matters. One customer of a very kind newspaper vendor was always surly, rude and nasty. Another client asked, "how can you stand him?" The vendor replied, "I'm only responsible for my behavior." We respond to others and whatever the situation, people behave either positively or negatively, and this affects us. Behavior can elevate or depress our mood. We are both conscious and unconscious of our responses. There are times we actively seek experiences to change our attitude either positively or negatively.
We work to behave in positive, creative, and uplifting ways but sometimes we are like the little girl in the rhyme "when she was good, she was very, very good, and when she was bad, she was horrid." With good parenting and strong models to discipline our childish behavior, we eventually develop coping strategies.
Thinking people decide to create positive results when they relate with others. It's an act—conceived, believed and practiced. Not setting personal boundaries of how to behave or respond, means you will always react defensively to every situation. Knowing how to improve self respect and relationships even with conflict is the thrust of this The Art of friendly Confrontation book.
BEHAVIOR CAN BE CATEGORIZED
As human beings we have a right to be different. Differences over territory (space/right/privileges) is not the most serious of battlegrounds. People even in the same family have serious misunderstandings. We need to treasure our uniqueness, but we need to respect rights and privileges of others. As the author Ruth Strang wrote, "All people are alike, all people are similar and all people are different." our greatest coping skills lie in building bridges to harmonize with others, to value and embrace their differences.
People think differently about the same experience. In 400 B.C., Hippocrates, known as the father of medicine, observed four different behaviors. "Assuming they had a bodily cause, he used the body moistures to name the behaviors: the blood, he called Sanguine for a subjective, cheerful, talkative, expressive person. The bile, he labeled, he labeled Choleric, for the fast acting, verbal and short tempered, driven high risk takers. The phlegm, he named Phlegmatic for a slower moving, nonverbal amiable low risk taking individual, who stay calm and collected under pressure. Melancholy, uses melas, a Greek work for black, and chole for analytical, time conscious, critical, deep thinking or gifted geniuses." (From Florence Littauer, Personality Tree)
UNDERSTANDING TEMPERAMENTS HELPS YOU ADJUST
Just as there are four winds, people behave consistently in the four behaviors, which we now call temperaments. In the expressive temperament people behave as friendly, enthusiastic, stimulating and sometimes manipulative. In the Driven category, behaviors are determined, dominating, demanding and pushy. Amiable people are more likely to be softhearted, persistent, accepting and complying. The Analytical temperament will be industrious, exacting, critical and serious. To simplify, some people act more out-going while others are more passive, some are cooperative while others are task oriented.
We have all the temperaments, but, we choose to believe we have only one or two of them. The descriptions in the visual will help you identify categories of human behavior. People normally operate from one quadrant. recognizing our strengths or weaknesses helps adjust our behavior. Examine the characteristics of each category to appreciate people's differences. You can manage conflict better when you recognize the four behavior patterns of those people you encounter.
CONFLICT CAN BE TRIGGERED BY UNMET NEEDS
The core of a person is represented by needs. When someone blocks our getting our needs met, we project ourselves accordingly.
Every conflict deals with one of these core needs. Abraham Maslow prioritized human needs in life continuing hierarchy. The person with all needs met and still developing his potential, he called self actualized. Maslow's human needs are: physical needs, safety, to be loved, to belong, self esteem and feeling important, and finally self actualized.
We have physical needs. These include water, food, clothing, shelter, sleep, activities, and biological needs. Many of our routine activities can lead to irritability and quarrels when needs are not net. When someone is tired or hungry, one cannot function well. To illustrate, a women's need for being organized and having all chores finished, may differs from her spouse's. When to start and return from shopping trips all create lively discussions.
We have safety needs. These include freedom from loss, fear, pain, failure, punishment and threats. Security and procedures for safety can create discord. Trips back to check and recheck the house is locked, the stove is off, and the iron disconnected do not set well with everyone. My passive Dad, tired of Mother's anxious routine, announced as they left on one trip, "Your medicine and iron are in the trunk of the car."
The need to give and receive love affects our ability to cope, since it connects us to all our relationships. Being Loved is essential to the give and take process so necessary in healthy conflict. Lack of love teaches us not to trust, to love conditionally, to deceive and manipulate others, and creates fearful responses when adversity strikes. Unloved people tend to have poor coping skills. The need to belong translates into thinking we want people to be like us and are insulted when we realize they aren't. I assumed one friend and I had the same religious interpretation of an issue. We did think the same at all! expectations create conflict in relationships.
We need to feel important. We struggle to find a life worth living. As Peggy lee's song inquires. "Is that all there is?" We yearn to be different from our friends and relatives; our activities, clothing, homes, religions and work help us feel noble, worthy and important. New experiences add perspective and depth to our lives but also offer us insight, meaning and prestige.
Self Actualization is using our talents to go beyond ourselves to conquer adversity and make a difference in the world about us. Using our inborn disposition from a position of strength, we become a larger person and make this world a better place. Self actualizors take the world seriously and themselves lightly. They have a well developed philosophy and could be called "a character," because they are unforgettably unique.
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Excerpted from THE ART OF FRIENDLY CONFRONTATIONby Shirley Brackett Mathey Copyright © 2012 by Shirley Brackett Mathey. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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